Emotional & Sexual Predators

The term “Sexual Predator” covers a wide gamut of predatory behavior. Most research on the subject has to do with the pedophiliac sexual predator, one who preys on children. The level of ew that comes with that is bottomless. These are very sick people who need serious help, and although I can empathize with damaged people overall, being emotionally damaged myself, when those issues hurt other people, especially but not limited to children and animals (the innocent), my empathy falls short. Bottom line, they are dangerous. Get away. You cannot help them. Save yourself. Save your children.

Today I’m going to focus on the largely ignored sexual predator, those that prey on adults either in person or via the internet. Let’s start with this list on Sexual Predator Warning Signs from Dr. Phil’s website, although he is talking about those who prey on children, many of the warning signs are the same.

  • Refusal to take responsibility for actions and blames others or circumstances for failures
  • A sense of entitlement
  • Low self-esteem
  • Need for power and control
  • Lack of empathy
  • Inability to form intimate relationships with adults (inability to commit)
  • History of abuse
  • Troubled childhood
  • Deviant sexual behavior and attitudes
  • Often offend where they won’t get caught — when they have misdirected people’s attention
  • Often married or in relationships
  • Offend when the victim is handy
  • Not always strangers, often family members, family friends and neighbors
  • Most attracted to adults
  • Good manipulators (seduction is an integral part)
  • Overly self-indulgent
  • Arrogant
  • Sexualize, objectify women
  • Users of various kinds of pornography
  • Typically known as rationalizers, intellectualizers, justifiers
  • Great helpers — are there to lend a helping hand — prey on people in need, when they can insinuate themselves in your life
  • Use stressful and vulnerable situations to get in — they find a need they can fill and they use that to get next to the victim

I’ve bolded the signs that I’ve personally experienced with more than one predator. They will undoubtably be extremely charming and seem very sweet and gentle at the start, perhaps even throughout the relationship. With their words at least, but you must look very closely at their actions. Do their actions match their words? Remember, that is how one builds trust: Words + Supporting Action + Reliability over Time = TRUST.

Narcissists may be the most dangerous type of sexual predator, but not all predators are narcissists. Please watch out for the signs, trust your instincts, and protect yourself.

Let’s take a look at this list more closely. Many people have low self-esteem. Many people have had a troubled childhood or been victims of abuse in its varying forms, from neglect and verbal to emotional and physical. These alone do not a predator make, but they are symptoms.

One of the biggest indicators of sexual predators is a sense of entitlement or grandiose sense of self. One person described himself as having a “typical performer’s ego,” and he wasn’t kidding. However, I’ve known many performers throughout my life, actors, musicians, etc., and most of them are not sexual predators. Dear friends of mine told me that as a performer, you must think you are the most amazing thing in the world when you are on stage. For your audience to believe it, so must you. But they also stressed the importance of shutting that off the moment you walk off stage. In other words, it’s part of the act, not part of who you are. So if the person who has caught your eye has an inflated ego or an inflated sense of entitlement, beware. These people can never accept blame. They believe they are beyond the rules. They take criticism as baseless attacks and turn quickly to rage or giving the cold shoulder. These and other signs can be found on Think Like A Black Belt. Well worth a read, as they go into more ways to spot a predator before they prey on your emotions, your trust, and your heart.

True narcissists, or even those with severe narcissistic tendencies, will make you feel as if you are the most important and special person in the world, “then emotionally distance themselves in ways that keep you unsure of yourself.” A very dangerous thing about people like this is that they are incapable of empathy, but they fake it very, very well. And therein is where the difficulties lies. They are so very believable. They are so very charming. They seem so loving and caring and seem to be opening up, but it’s all a facade. A very convincing facade.

If they are married or in a committed relationship and are telling you that their SO doesn’t understand them or doesn’t make them feel loved or some variation of that, they are quite possibly a predator. They are putting their needs and selfish pleasure above integrity, above giving their SO the respect of a choice. Not all cheaters are predators, by no means. Sometimes they really just don’t know what else to do and fear is crippling them. Sometimes it’s their only way out, but most of the time, they are predators.

Still. Married/committed people stepping out (or trying to step out) is a HUGE RED FLAG. They will justify their actions indefinitely. They will not take responsibility. It’s their spouse’s/SO’s fault for not understanding them or not being the person they want them to be. They’ll believe things like online sexual activity or even in-person sexual activity is not cheating. A blow job isn’t cheating. Unless penis enters vagina, it’s not cheating. Balderdash. If you are watching porn behind your spouse’s back, it’s cheating. If you are chatting with another wo/man via text or online behind your spouse’s back, it’s cheating. If you can’t tell your spouse about it or, better yet, do it with them right there, it’s cheating. It’s a betrayal of trust.

Women as well as men can be sexual predators, so look for the signs. If you see these signs, be careful and look more closely for more signs. Have them earn your trust and the privilege of holding your heart over time. And you, in turn, show them that you can be trusted by meaning what you say and doing what you say. By opening up and sharing your fears. By respecting yourself and your boundaries first, then respecting them and their boundaries as well.

A very prevalent form of sexual predators are those online. They troll Craigslist and Twitter, and they are sometimes very creepy and can be spotted a mile away, but all too often they are charming and sweet. They play the sympathy card. They’re not understood. They “could really fall for you.” They usually won’t meet you in person, but sometimes they do. They toy with your emotions, perhaps filling a void and making you feel special and cherished. They excel at that. But, as I’ve learned from several victimized women, these predators are doing this exact same thing with multiple victims, men or women. So be very careful with online interactions. Please don’t get attached or give your heart before you at least meet them in person. Remember, behind the protection of the internet wall, one can pretend to be anything. Talk to others. If on Twitter, DM other wo/men to whom the person in question often interacts, and just see if they’re experiencing the same type of communication. There are *so many* predators on Twitter, and they prey on lonely people. It’s uncanny, really.

What is the internet, if not a narcissist’s dream come true?
~Tony Long WIRED magazine

I really can’t emphasize enough how very charming and sweet they seem, both online and in person. They can turn on the tears to gain your empathy. They are masters. Be careful. Please. Be careful.

Take your time. Watch for the signs. Protect your heart without locking it away. It’s a fine line. Build trust between you over time.

Undeniable signs that you’ve encountered a sexual predator:

  • they do not respect your boundaries
  • they do not wait for a “yes” (enthusiastic consent) before sexually moving forward
  • worse, they don’t accept “no” for an answer.
  • they sexually or emotionally seduce and coerce, masterfully. The real experts can even wind words to make it seem like it’s your idea.
  • they use their position or social status to pressure you
  • you feel nauseous or anxious – your body’s warning system

Please read more over on the Think Like a Black Belt blog, where they teach ” physical, mental and emotional self defense against unsafe people.” I’m sure going to be spending some time there as well as on the Yes Means Yes blog. Next week, I’ll be talking about Enthusiastic Consent. Please join me then.

Also look at these articles on the subject:

If you think you may have encountered a Narcissist, do your due diligence for your own protection. No one can suck your soul or shatter your self-esteem like a narcissist can. Months, if not years, of recovery.

As for NarcSpeak, this is my current favorite:

I don’t think you and I talking would do either of us any good.
Since you have me figured out and won’t buy any more of my b.s. I can’t face you. You scare me and you might just reveal more of the sick predator I am.

Please remember, although I’ve posted many links and information about Narcissists, as they are severely dangerous, they are not the only kids of predators. Look for the signs, and if you see more that two or three, take a step back and give them time to earn your trust over time. Ensure that their actions match their words. And ensure your actions match your words, too.

You are worthy of love, honesty, integrity, respect, time, and reciprocity. If someone isn’t willing to meet you on your level and respect you and your boundaries, they are not worthy of you, not the other way around.

Peace.

About these ads

~ by omgrey on October 12, 2011.

47 Responses to “Emotional & Sexual Predators”

  1. the NarcSpeak jumped out at me :) I thnk i have the nearly exact same phrase knocking round my twitter DMs a couple of times :D

  2. Grey, very exposing blog! The checklist of behaviors/signs should be memorized, if not read several times, particularly in dealing with the internet variety!

    Hope you will talk about this subject many occasions over time; the FLOOD lights are needed on them always. Great stuff! :)

    • Yes. Flood lights, indeed. Everyone needs to talk about predators, how to avoid them, and if possible, how to stop them. Thank you for your comment, love.

  3. I think I have about heard all the lines on NarcSpeak, I can’t pick a fave but, I have a few gems I could add! ;)

    “You have everyone else fooled, they think you are such a nice guy but ,they don’t know you like I do.”
    You are a nice guy and all my friends and public know so when you leave me they just may figure me out too.

    “I need a boyfriend because you just don’t pay enough attention to me anymore.”
    You have about figured me out and I’m looking for a new sucker before your gone. After all my ego needs constant feeding.

  4. [...] Original Blog Post Share this:Like this:LikeBe the first to like this post. [...]

  5. [...] s/he charming? That is a huge red flag and a sign of an emotional predator. Certainly not all charming people are predators or abusive, but it is something of which to take [...]

  6. The height of arrogance was leaving me note 3 days befre my flight which said he would “consider” returning MY Money and dictating to me when i could and could not take my trip?! Facebook is also a problem. On there i told men that if their wives were not aware of me and in the room while they were looking at my photos and typing to me then they were cheating. Is it a surprise that those men immediately removed themselves from my “friends” list?

  7. [...] referred to as a wolf in sheep’s clothing, the narcissist excels at creating a very believable , charming and compassionately loving mask. It [...]

  8. [...] predators and abusers aside, as I’m really tired of talking about them and, as I keep being told, [...]

  9. Great info. My x boyfriend 58 was looking at random women on facebook for 3 hours. Is this as weird as I think it is or has this become the new norm. He also asked me for the name of my teenage sons girlfriends cousins name. I had the thought that he wanted to look her up on facebook. Why did he want to know her name?

    • Sounds strange to me, but then I don’t know the guy or the situation. You do. If you feel that it’s weird or inappropriate, or you think there’s more behind this, listen to your gut.

  10. [...] Emotional and Sexual Predators [...]

  11. [...] Reread Dr. Phil’s page on Sexual Predator Warning Signs as well as my blog post on Emotional and Sexual Predators. [...]

  12. [...] as men, and some monsters masquerading as humans. The polyamorous community attracts the predators because we’re a group of open, honest, trusting women who like sex (and are open about [...]

  13. This is a very good description of what they act like! If you are reading this blog I’m sure you are questioning yourself or a person in your life. If you know someone like this, run like hell! Keep your kids away from them, divorce this person and try to get custody. Keep good documentation becasue they will flip your weaknesses against you and make you look like th crazy one. Demand a psyc evaluation from a very qualified psyc evaluation person. Stay away from them you are worth so much more!

  14. http://www.bustedmugshots.com/texas/austin/john-guerra/67657821

  15. Im trying to figure out if my friends husband is a sexual predator…….reading the signs here all seem to fit. Do you keep this to yourself or let your friend know?

    • That’s a really tough call. Likely, if you tell your friend, she’ll hate you for it even if you’re right. You probably are if all year signs fit. He might be hurting her emotionally or physically, or both.

      I’d tell her, but be prepared for a huge fall out. She’s likely in denial about anything, and people live their denial.

      Do you think he’s hurting other people as well?

      • I wish I could tell you what I know, but posting it all here, Im not comfortable doing………….

      • Email me if you’d like. steampunkgrey (at) gmail.

      • I did just read a post above mine, this person also friends “girls” on fb, mostly porn type, but some look very young. Also family and friends teenage kids are his friends on fb, his fb is public and he knows these teenager kids of family and friends can see what he post on fb. That does not seem to bother him…………

  16. [...] shamed. I’m working to turn that around, to put the shame where it belongs: on the abusers. On the predators. On the rapists. On those that perpetrate sexual, physical, and emotional assaults, especially when [...]

  17. My husband of 24 years walked out on me and our 9 year old 18 months ago, no word why, no communication and exactly the attitude you all are talking about. Boastful, nice ,do any thing for any one,I found out lots of affairs, even family, refuses to talk to me so hateful and mean, screamed at me a year ago ” you kept sex from me”! Never any talk about nothing no word either. He is a registered sex offender. A long time ago when he was 17 she was 14. He got in trouble for something else and went to prison . Good people make bad chooses. Never thought of him that way never dis respected me that I knew but who is this person now? Living with a 30 year old meth head and she has a 13 year old daughter! Refuses to acknowledge me and his son exist. I love the person I thought he was and I know he can be. We were divorced in December of2012 he lost everything including visits with his son only on supervised service settings which has not taken place. His son and I have been in counseling since2011 he does not care. Screamed at me a year ago you have to have hate to survive! What makes a person change like this? Thanks confussed

    • I’m so sorry this has happened to you. It sounds utterly horrific.

      I don’t know what makes a person change like this. My guess is he was always like this and just wore a very convincing mask for a long time, especially hearing about the multiple affairs. Blaming you is textbook narcissism and maybe even sociopathy.

      Registered sex offender. Ew.

      His choices prove who he truly is: a man who would cheat on his wife, abandon her and their son, and live a lie for a quarter-century. No, he doesn’t care. He’s abusive and selfish. This is not a good man. This is a horrible person no matter what his justifications or excuses, which it sounds like he’s not even bothering with those any more.

      I’m glad he’s out of your life and away from you and your son. I’m glad you’re in counseling. Talk to your therapist about PTSD, as this was a significantly traumatic event for you both.

      The best thing for you is to grieve not only the loss of the marriage but the loss of the person you thought he was, the person he deceived you into thinking he was. He’s the meth-head’s problem now. Do you best to look forward and protect you and your son. When you’re ready to love and trust again, you will find someone worthy of you both.

      May you find peace.

  18. […] mistake at 42. Assuming that people hold spirituality sacred. Newsflash: predators don’t. They’ll use it because decent people think that it is sacred. Hmmm. […]

  19. […] O. M. Grey provides a detailed treatment of emotional and sexual predators (see the full article for details): […]

  20. […] Emotional & Sexual Predators […]

  21. hi, i date a guy im unsure about. he treats me nice are sex life is good but when it comes to other women he behaves quite bad. he sometimes brushes up against them. he listens to their conversations. he asks me questions about my girl friends. he follows women he fancys around the supermarket and pretends to bump into them just to brush up against them. he says its all in my mind but i know its not. is he a sexual predator?

    • Sounds like it to me. At the very least he’s creepy and doesn’t care about women’s boundaries.

      I’m glad he treats you well. How long have you been dating? My guess isn’t that long…

      These are serious warning signs, Anita. Huge red flags. Very predatory behavior. For a time, predators can play a convincing role, but their true self rears it’s ugly head sooner or later. Sounds like his is already peeking out.

      And, yes, the sex is often spectacular. In the end, it’s not worth it, though, especially when it ends in sexualized violence that takes years, if not the rest of one’s life, to recover from.

      May you find peace.

  22. I posted on here a few months back after finding out a lifetime friend is a sexual predator, his wife, kids were told, but no one acutally took it serious, because they did nothing. They removed his facebook and warned not to get another facebook. All is back to normal for them. A month or so I checked and again he has a facebook (he was previously using fb as his personal porn page, including having kids as friends) Im not so concerned about me now, I have disowned him and his family, But he is again on fb and you can see the signs that he is just beginning to start his actions again, he is following some young girls. This guy needs to get caught, because he will sooner or later hurt someone. I dont have any clue what to do or how he can get caught, I have searched the internet for forums, help or advise, but unable to find what I want. Do you have any suggestions? You were such a support for me when I was going through this before. But now its not about me, but Kids…………..any help is greatly appreciated.

    • I remember you. I’m so sorry you’re still dealing with this. It sounds like his wife and family are in deep denial, which is easier than facing the truth, albeit extremely unhealthy. They’re just putting off the inevitable and in the mean time more people will be harmed by this man’s predatory actions.

      Yes, he does need to be caught. Keep an eye on his activity and report anything you see. Don’t let them intimidate you into silence. Unfortunately, the police are generally useless in cases like this, even with evidence. What you’ve done is good. Speak to the community. Educate people about the signs of sexual predation and talk about the ways to address it. Open discussions about these things and how people can handle them. Learn the facts and statistics so you can derail all their derailing comments like “false accusations” and the like.

      I have a wealthy of information about responsible community response on The Order of the White Feather website.

      I’m glad to hear I was of help to you before.

      May you find peace (and may you find a way to stop this predator).

  23. […] yourself on what a Sexual or Emotional Predator looks like. They are generally not the creepy guy with back social skills crouching in the shadows. […]

  24. I am a victim, I saw all the flags yet he still managed to lure me in.

    Gutted.

    • I’m so sorry to hear. I know what hats like. We want to believe the best in people. We want to ignore our gut instinct and love.

      We learn.

      Still, not your fault. Abuse is always the fault and responsibility of the abuser.

  25. […] which utterly destroyed me for a time. But, I won’t go through all that again. You can read about The Musician on the pages of this blog and in my award-winning poem “New York Rain“, and you can […]

  26. My bf of 8 years has all the signs of a predator. He recently had an affair & used his job position to do it. He is a principal at a private religious school & had an affair with a parent of one of his students. After reading this article I have to say its as if I wrote it about him. He is not a child predator at all. Just women & he did such disingenuous & disrespectful acts to do it. Sympathy of his experiences and over complimenting to come across as sincere but completely emotionally void of feeling what he said. It was all fake. Blamed me & wouldn’t accept responsibility. I have told him he is pretty much every symptom you listed prior to ever reading this. He says he realizes it & wants us to work it out. Im not sure what to do but I have demanded respect, honesty, & integrity prior to reading this as well. Should I stay or go? This is not the first problem with him. Its been a roller-coaster of issues with his narcissism. Help!

    • You know, had you asked me my advice two years ago, I’d have told you that if he’s committed to making a change, stay and work on it.

      However…I’m far more cynical (read:realistic) and experienced now, so I say leave.

      Whenever engaged with a narcissist, leave. Run far away. No contact, period.

      Especially if this isn’t the first instance. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Also, this is a man who hold a position of power and prestige at a *religious* institution, who committed adultery with a student’s mother. Ethical problems both professionally and personally.

      Leave him and take him for everything he’s got, including his job. I’d make it know that he’s a hypocrite and adulterer, and not an appropriate role-model for Christian children.

      Of course, the reality also is that nothing will happen to him professionally. If he were a woman, he’d be crucified, but as a man, he’s too protected for this kind of behavior.

      Still, you could get a considerable amount through his fear of exposure.

      At the very least, he should pay to set you up in your new life and pay for the extensive therapy you’ll need to deal with his manipulation, abuse, and infidelity.

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this. May you find peace.

      • I have done some of that. He is paying my rent and bills and I have threatened his job however if he loses it he cant pay my bills. He also contracted an STD from this person and hid it from me. I searched his car and found it. I was not sexually active with him at the time even tho we live together because he was emotionally abusing me so he could feel better about himself for what he was doing. I tested anyway and it was negative. His affair told him he gave it to her and she found out in a “routine” physical. I happen to kmow they do not test for herpes in standard STD tests. One either has to have symptoms or request it. She also told him he was only the second man she’d been with. She is 50. She claimed she had her ex husband tested so I asked if he saw the results & proof and he did not. He tried to say I gave it to him. Ive been with him 8 years and no one else and neither of us have ever had symptoms. He is fearful of losing his job as he is 60 and already lost a prior primcipal position for misconduct with a parent. He has lied all along saying he learned his lesson while again engaging in another affair with a parent. I so want both of them to be found out for who they really are. They both deserve it. He of course states now that he wants to work things out because its the “right thing to do”. I dont want to be with anyone so they can feel “right” for the wrong they did. I am extremely angry and will take your advice and tell him to get lost because I feel it is best. He keeps saying he’s sorry and it was a mistake. Only because I caught him. Otherwise he would still be doing it. I dont know how to get past the anger.

      • Exactly. He’s sorry for getting caught, not for doing it.

        I’m glad he got herpes. He deserves it. Many people who contract it don’t, of course, but he certainly does.

        He probably got it from a third person and gave it to his affair. What a lying scumbag.

        The man who raped me has herpes and his it from me for months while we were lovers. Fortunately, I didn’t contract it. I’m glad you didn’t, too.

        I’m glad you’re leaving him. You deserve better. He likely won’t ever change. He’s a liar and a cheater, and he’s a coward.

        You deserve honesty, integrity, and loyalty.

        May you find peace.

  27. He gained my trust as a friend for three years before showing me the side to him that engages other women inappropriately behind his wife’s back. He tried to do this with me, and I refused, but at the same time I realised feelings for him erupted from nowhere, when I had felt nothing prior, so it made rejecting his advances (absolutely necessary of course) that bit more painful. He moved onto the next one willing to engage inappropriately with a married man, which hurt. As far as I know, just online, but he probably would put into practice if he had chance. I suspect he got caught by wife recently and a public display of married affection was made, but seems he’s doing it again. I feel like I’ve walked into a harem against my will, all these women he has drawn in and objectified, so many of us I’ve become aware of through observation but haven’t said anything. It’s true he made first contact in the form of a knight in shining armour when he stood up for me in a situation with a mutual friend, so I was vulnerable yes. It’s been almost a year and I’m still hurting, mostly over the horrible change to the friendship which is back to what it was before, at least on the surface, and trying to cope with discovering this other side to him. I can’t break contact because we’re in same professional and personal circles, it’s not possible. Thank you for an amazing article – it is helping me heal.

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