That’s a great, albeit scary, story! Glad you’re okay!

I didn’t know about it being haunted until I got there, too. Interesting how you felt it as soon as you walked in.

If only we could leave to trust out gut more often.

This: “didn’t want to be responsible for my feelings” – was something mine said over and over and over.

Huge red flag.

I didn’t know how devastating “commitment issues” could be either. I’m glad you’re away from him.

Peace to you.

Although it’s very sad that other women have gone through their (often more extreme) versions of this, I’m glad that we’re able to share our experiences with each other. It’s been a horrible time for me thinking that if I hadn’t said this or done that then we’d still be together, but we wouldn’t. He literally told me we were breaking up because he ‘didn’t want to be responsible for my feelings’ ‘didn’t want to settle down’ and ‘didn’t want to waste my time’. No matter how ‘perfect’ I was, nothing would have changed the fact that he doesn’t care about my emotional needs. I’m very glad I only wasted 6 months of my life on this jackass and not longer.

I just want to wish the best of luck to anyone else who’s currently going through a break-up such as this. Please know it’s not you, it’s them.

I’m so sorry you went through that. How horrible for you. Upon hearing one has “commitment issues” at the beginning of a relationship, unless one has suffered a commitmentphobe before, there’s no way of knowing what’s in store. Even if one has, until one understands what exactly that means and how pathological and methodical they are, one has no idea what’s in store.

I’m glad those books helped you. They were the first step in uncovering a huge facade for me.

May you find peace.

I was in a relationship too with someone who said all the right things and romanced the hell out of me at first. In the beginning I wasn’t interested, but became so due to the intensity of his pursuit. We dated happily for 2 months before I showed up at his place after a party a little worse for wear and he dumped me a few days later (in what I later realised was his ‘panic mode’) telling me things had moved too fast, we had become a couple too quickly and he needed to take a step back. We separated for 3 weeks and then I stupidly took him back.

Things went on the same way for a while – he would do lovely, romantic things for me but kept me very compartmentalised from his life and never let me meet friends or colleagues. We spent 90% of our relationship in his apartment. Then he started to flake on dates and become unreliable, and went through a period of 5 weeks where he worked every day until 11:30pm and went to work at weekends so we barely spoke and barely saw each other. I didn’t realise at the time, but this was clear distancing behaviour. I expressed my unhappiness with the situation a couple of times and instead of coming to a conclusion which would help solve things and make us both happy, he refused to discuss it. He then told me he wants a baby in the next 2 years (he goes clubbing all the time and has absolutely no intention of following through on this) just to push me away – he knows I am 25 and career-focused with no intention of having children soon. The excuses he used to end the relationship were weak (just like the excuses he told me he used to end his other relationships). It was clear that he panicked and fled. This was very shortly after telling me how perfect I am, and how happy he was.

I was and still am very hurt by his behaviour. I sought therapy which helped initially; but what helped the most was undoubtedly ‘Men who can’t love’. I beat myself up for a month after we split trying to work out what I said or did wrong, but now I know it wasn’t me at all. The worst part is that he told me he had commitment issues when we first met, but I didn’t know what it really meant.

Sorry for the long post – I hope this helps any other girls out there in the same position!

This topic seems to be gaining awareness and understanding in the professional field. I’m so happy to hear it.

He has a choice.

He chooses to abuse and assault and terrorize.

You likely have complex PTSD. Please find a PTSD specialist who can help you work through your trauma. Also seek out a domestic violence counselor, they are usually free under state grants.

I’m so pleased you got away. It took unbelievable courage and strength to do so.

May you find peace.

I too am angered that not one time has he apologized or even acknowledged his “participation” in ruining our lives. To this day, the antidepressants (that I hid taking from him) made me crazy and that’s why I left him- end of story. After all nothing is EVER his fault, nothing.

I found the courage because I had to. I really can’t afford this, and if I’m paying him, even at a reduced rate thanks to his sliding scale, then I’m there to get well. Everything I found on transference said pretty much the same thing: it’s natural. For many people, this is the most intimate relationship they’ve ever had. It’s not for me, but it’s in the top two, my husband being the other one.

No hugging or physical touch is a good boundary to keep. Indeed!

It’s a leap of faith, really. It could be the key to unlocking many other things, but you also risk him changing or not handling it or, worse, inappropriately reciprocating.

Transference, my readings tell me, is always about the same thing: parental neglect/attachment issues. It feels like love and even sexual, but it stems from a very deep need to feel loved, safe, heard, seen, and accepted.

It really, really feels like love. Distressingly so. And it is love, but perhaps not a romantic or sexual love.

Regardless, it might be a good thing to explore. Tell him of your fears and read up on transference. Every week after my session, I’m back reading up on transference. It’s comforting.

Thank you for commenting. Please let me know what you decide and how it turns out.

Even 8% is low, but I think it’s much lower. Much, much lower.

I would never lie about rape. I don’t respect anyone who does, if for no other reason that it perpetuates the myth that false accusations are common, when they’re not. But there are many other reasons I think lying about anything, but especially rape, speaks very lowly of the person.

No integrity.

I think just believing the victims would put men on the defensive for a change. No need to lie.

Believe the victim.
Question the accused.

Name and shame.

80-85% of rapes are perpetrated by someone the victim knows. Upwards of 90% of rape kits are never processed in some districts. Police habitually minimize and dismiss rape and sexual assault reports due to lack of physical evidence. Even with physical evidence, very few go to trial. Only 14% of reported cases go to trail, and only about 40% of the cases are reported. 3% of rapists ever see a single day in jail.

No. Making new laws are not the answer. The answer is revoking what Thomas from Yes Means Yes calls their “social license to operate.” We must make it so socially unacceptable to rape or even joke about rape that the rapist/accused rapist will suffer humiliation and social ostracism for being called out. Which is exactly what the victims face now for coming forward. We, as a society, must reverse this and put the burden of proof on the accused. The questions must be posed to the accused, not the victim.

Do not ask or say to the victim:
“Did you fight back?”
“Did you say no?”
“Why were you alone with him?”
“I’m sure it’s just a misunderstanding.”
“Just a case of love gone kaplooey.”
Etc.

The questions are to be directed to the accused and the accused only.
“What happened?”
“Why were you having sex with her if she withdrew/didn’t give consent?”
“Was she crying?” “Was she frozen?”
“What are you going to do to make this right?”

Most rapists don’t look like rapists up until the raping starts. It’s so rarely the creepy guy in the dark alley. It’s friends, lovers, spouses, siblings of friends, teachers, therapists, pastors, etc. etc. etc. It’s those you think you can trust, often those that have encouraged you and shown you they are trustworthy, that’s when the raping starts.

The law (and enforcement of the law) won’t change until the cultural climate changes. Until we no longer stand for any of this. Until we acknowledge that a woman is raped ever 1-2 minutes in the USA and the only way that will stop is to believe the victim. To make it safe for them to come forward. To put the burden of proof on the accused.

Period.

(BTW, before the usual chorus of FALSE ACCUSATIONS and INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY rains down on me from the peanut gallery peeking in, please refer to my post on Falsely Accused. Between 1.5 and 8% of rape accusations are false. As low or lower than any other falsely reported crimes.)

My point in using the analogy is to show the psychological damage even when there are no physical wounds. I once met a rapist who even admitted he had raped but justified it because he “never left any marks.”

Society has not only been desensitized to violence, they have been socialized to accept that violence against women is just par for the course. It’s what happens. No big deal. Oh, and on top of that, women are lying and crazy and vindictive anyway, so they’re either making it all up, blowing it out of proportion, or they deserved it for, you know, just being a woman.

Agreed, too. Until the cultural climate changes to believe the victims of these horrific crimes as the default, to put the burden of proof on the accused rapist (socially, at least, if not legally), then nothing will change. Rapists will rape rape rape rape rape and only 3% will ever see a single day of jail.

It’s time we revoke their social license to operate.

So many think it’s about a lot of sex, far too many that practice “polyamory” are about a lot of unethical, irresponsible sex under the guise of ethical, responsible, sex-positive, rainbows and bunnies sex.

Any relationship takes a lot of investment. Open & honest, indeed. Integrity, indeed.

That’s what it’s about.

Fuck them all.

I’m sorry that happened to you with that awful therapist!! Then after betraying his wife, you, and his profession, he proceeded to gaslight you into believing it never happened.

If there is a hell, I hope there is a special place reserved for creeps like this.

I’m so sorry. I hope you can find a therapist you can trust. Just being able to trust one person is so healing.

Peace to you.

Secondly, you’re basing everything on some pretty serious dogma of Judeo-Christianity, which represents a fraction of the world’s population. It pretty much goes against everything natural, causing irreparable damage and guilt in many of it’s followers for even having sexual desire.

Thirdly, the Holy Bible and Judeo-Christian-based religions are highly misogynistic across the board.

So, I will follow the laws of my maker, but “my maker” and “your maker” are two extremely different entities.