In these posts, I generally use the terms “primary” and “secondary,” etc., to describe polyamorous relationships. Now that I actually have a beautiful “secondary” relationship, I’m seeing the limitations and the potential problems with these terms.

The issue with trying to communicate such profound concepts is that language is limited…much more limited than love. We struggle to articulate feelings and situations not only through the limited nature of language but also through the preconceived societal notions ingrained in our brains since childhood. It’s tricky. It takes a lot of patience, even more understanding, and an infinite amount of love.

There are so many forms of polyamory, since each couple (triad, quad) make their own rules as to what works for them, it’s difficult to define something on here without readers thinking it’s always this way. So please remember that everything I write about polyamory on this blog are either in general terms or specifically from my own experience/understanding.

Generally, for those who use the above terms and set up their relationships hierarchically, a “primary” relationship is usually a spouse or a long-term SO that was in place before the couple opened up or, at least, the one they build a complete life around. It can also be the person with whom you live, have children with, have finances entangled with, etc. Ask different poly couples and they’ll likely have different definitions of what this means. This is the person that has priority in time, importance, and perhaps even emotionally. This is your primary romantic relationship.

Same goes for the word “secondary.” A secondary can be just a fun, light sexual friendship on the side, but I tend to call that a “satellite” relationship rather than a “secondary.” A true secondary to me is a second serious, deeply loving, committed relationship, no matter how many other people you and/or s/he might be seeing.

Let’s take this scenario. Couple A are primaries, married for years. The wife is seeing another man regularly and they’ve become fairly serious and have fallen in love. He is her “secondary.” Now this man doesn’t have a “primary” of his own and is also seeing another married woman who he cares for but is not as romantic or serious with as the wife from Couple A.

Can a couple be secondaries if one of the two don’t have a primary?

Maybe.

That would depend on how each person defines the term. This woman’s “secondary” might have a very important job that comes first, perhaps he will never have the emotional energy or time for a full-time “primary” of his own, so his career is his “primary” relationship. Or perhaps he needs a lot of time and/or space to himself, unable to live with a woman on that level. Perhaps he is incapable of committing himself to another person that deeply and unwilling to take responsibility for each other’s hearts on that level, so he would be his own “primary” relationship. Is she still his “primary” romantic relationship by default, as theirs comes before any others on his side in time, importance, and emotionally.

This is just one possible example. Again…problem with language trying to describe fairly new societal concepts. We muddle through.

A woman can be a “primary” to two men, but only one of those men might be her “primary.” The more I use those terms, the less I like them, actually. Love is limitless, but as I said before, when I use these words, I’m not talking about loving one person deeper than another….because love begets love begets love….this is more about logistics, time, and responsibilities in my own private poly world.

Perhaps one day that “secondary” might merge into your lives so deeply that s/he becomes part of a “triad.” There are different types of triads, too. There is the “V” or “Vee” triad, where, in this example, the woman would be at the hinge (MFM), loving two men more or less equally, where the two men aren’t romantically or emotionally involved other than through her. There is also a true triad where a couple would date a third person, forming a triangle rather than a “V.” And it just gets more complicated from there…

Bottom line, don’t get too hung up on terms. Use them when it facilitates communication, but ensure that you and your partner understand and agree on the definition of that term as it applies to your relationship.  That goes for all terms, not just “primary” and “secondary.”

What does “serious” mean? Committed? Emotionally responsible? Sex? That’s a big one. What is sex and what isn’t sex when it comes to sexual activity? What does “I love you” mean? Can it mean “I care very deeply for you” or must it mean “I am madly in love with you”?

As in any situation of communication, it’s important to define your terms so that everyone is on the same page. This is especially important in romantic relationships. Don’t let anyone tell you what is or is not truly poly when it comes to how you define terms or how you choose to live your lives. Save one… The only thing that absolutely must be present for a polyamorous relationship is open and honest communication between all involved parties.

Lies. Deception. Manipulation. These have no place in polyamory, or any relationship, really. And that’s the only time I would call someone out as not truly poly, if they practice deception and/or lie to their SOs.

Most important, as always. Communicate. For polyamorous relationships (actually, all relationships) to work, there needs to be a lot of deep, open and honest communication. Frequently. No one said this was easy.

Me & The Rabbit

OMG. Where do I start?

Clockwork Con 2012 not only exceeded mine (and everyone else’s) expectations for a first-year Steampunk convention, but we all had an absolute blast on top of it. I don’t think I’ve ever had so much fun at a convention before, and that’s saying something because conventions are generally a pretty good time.

This convention was organized and implemented by the amazing couple Alex and Tiffany Whisenhunt. They’re in their early twenties, are full-time students, work full-time, and live in Lubbock. The convention was in Austin. Pulling off any event is tricky, but a first-year Steampunk con in a city nearly seven hours away….

I mean, wow.

I couldn’t be more impressed with how the lovely Whisenhunts handled the entire affair. Professional from the moment they asked me to be a guest back at last year’s Aetherfest through the entire convention, I felt well cared for and like an important part of the convention, which is so very nice for a guest. They had personal guest packets prepared for each guest, which is wonderful and completely unheard of! I’ve done dozens of conventions, and all too often I’m wondering where I’m supposed to be when, having to look up the schedule myself an figure out which panels I’m on, etc. But not here at Clockwork Con! A personalized schedule of what I was to do throughout the weekend…and every guest got one! What a concept, really…to actually let the guests know where they’re supposed to be! I love it. It seems so logical, really, but you’d be amazed at how many cons don’t do that. Like, all the other ones I’ve been to save one other. I’m hoping that will change in the future.

Cherie Priest and I have had this conversation more than once. She has the view that since the con is bringing her in, she works for them for that weekend, and I take that same view. They’re using a portion of their tight budget to have me as part of the entertainment. While there, I do my part by mingling with fans, entertaining audiences by reading my work, or educating them by participating on various panels. It’s ever so helpful to know where I’m supposed to be, so I can do my best for the convention.

DJ Doctor Q

Over 400 Steampunks came out to enjoy Clockwork Con, and enjoy they did! With fabulous acts like Cut, Thrust, & Run, The Marquis of Vaudeville, Master “Bones” Jangle, Mr. Saturday and Sixpence, Airship Isabella, ME (of course), and the amazing Steam Powered Giraffe, how could they not have a blast? Over 400! There are long-established fantasy conventions in TX that don’t get that many people, so for a first year, Steampunk-specific convention, that’s highly impressive.

Personally, I adored this convention because I got to spend time with my colleagues, some of whom I rarely see like Emperor Justinian and my own personal muse DJ Doctor Q and his lovely wife Talloollah Love, and others who I see more often (but still not nearly enough), like my piratical family Airship Isabella and the delightful couple Mr. Saturday and Sixpence. As always, it was a joy to see Arron von Blackwolf and Toby of The Marquis of Vaudeville. I’ll never forget how hard he made me laugh with his taco piano down at Dickens on the Strand. Additionally, I got to meet Steam Powered Giraffe and had the absolute pleasure of seeing them perform (not to mention developed a huge crush on The Rabbit). There will be a fresh Steampunk Spotlight on them very soon.

Me & My Sweet Auctioneer

Perhaps the thing that pushed this convention over the top for me was that my sweet auctioneer was able to join us all for a few hours. Still a new relationship, but it’s a beautiful one. And it just meant the world to me that he would step so far out of his world of nonprofit auctioneering to experience my world of fandom, geekdom, and (as he put it) con-dom. We enjoyed a lovely dinner Friday night with Dr. Q & Talloollah Love while listening to a special acoustic set by Steam Powered Giraffe.

All in all, it was a brilliant time. Hands down the most fun I’ve had at a convention EVER! I got to reconnect with some fans and meet some new ones. I did a very successful panel on Writing in Steampunk with the esteemed Ben Hamby as well as two well-attended readings where I discussed AVALON REVISITED and read some short stories from my new titles CAUGHT IN THE COGS: AN ECLECTIC COLLECTION.

The touch of another human being can be a powerful source of healing, not only for what’s going on inside your own heart and mind, but for your relationship as a whole. The gesture of a loving touch given freely and frequently throughout your days can transform your relationship from one that feels empty and distant to one that is full of love and affection. So please, just reach out and touch your spouse. Often. It only takes a fraction of a second, and it can change your entire life.

Human Touch (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

But, as it turns out, I’m rather rusty at building a new one.

Thankfully, I’m a fast learner. And, with even more gratitude, my secondary is a patient, loving, honest man.

One of the major things I’ve learned is to refrain from being too open, too fast, which I have a tendency to do. That’s not to say I withhold information or deceive, not by any means, but it takes time to get to know someone. A huge, rambling info-dump of who you are, your history, and your issues will only serve to frustrate and overwhelm. No one can process so much information at once.

It’s been a challenge for me, as I’m so used to just opening up and letting it all out at once to my husband, but a fledgling relationship needs more space to breathe.

Through a lot of inner struggle, I’ve forced myself to slow down and let things unfold naturally with my sweet auctioneer. Sometimes it was sheer torture between my emotional regulation issues, anxiety over the heartbreak last year, and deep control issues, but I have been wonderfully amazed. Euphorically shocked, actually, at how things developed because I just let them. Correction. Because we just let them.

And it’s more beautiful than I could’ve imagined or hoped for.

Both he and I, as everyone, come to a new relationship with “baggage” from childhood and past romantic relationships’ successes and failures. We each have our own fears and precautions, mine definitely more pronounced after last year, but through open and honest communication, we’re working through them and allowing ourselves to love again, to take the relationship for what it is rather than what we fear or hope it to be. Through radical honesty and a big dose of courage to face things that are sometimes uncomfortable, we have each found in the other something very special, indeed.

I’m not ashamed to admit I looked online for assistance because I really, really didn’t want to fuck things up because of other men’s mistakes and my loss of trust due to betrayal and abuse. After all, this man didn’t break my heart. This man didn’t betray me. This man didn’t toy with me and abuse my trust. This man doesn’t deserve to pay for the lack of integrity in others. All that said, I still had a need to protect myself from such slights again. It was a delicate balance, one I’m still working through, to be cautious yet open to love.

One of the sites I looked at is Dating Inspiration Online. It is full of articles outlining the most common relationship mistakes. That balanced with my determination to find an open, honest, loving relationship and the communication skills I’ve learned over the years, all along with his skills and determination as well, has enabled us to become close and really begin to trust the other. It’s still early in the relationship, but it is more beautiful than I could’ve imagined. I’ve already said that, haven’t I?

….well…

It’s worth saying again.

And again.

I’m also not ashamed to admit that the reason this post is a week late is because I’ve been reveling in the joy and wonder and ecstasy of this gorgeous new connection. Spending more time in real life with him than in front of the computer. That coupled with maintaining a primary relationship and traveling to conventions, things like blog posts sometimes fall through the cracks. And that’s so okay! There is nothing more important to me than relationships with others, especially romantic relationships.

And this one is glorious.

Through non-monogamy and the concept that we don’t own each other…
Through respecting the other’s freedom…
Through being aware and sympathetic to our respective fears…
Through courage and honesty…
Through discovering each other for who we are instead of who we want the other to be…
Through the understanding that the only thing either of us ever wants to hear is the truth…
Through embracing compersion and rejecting jealousy
Through the knowledge that love breeds more love, desire more desire…

We have found something truly beautiful. Just because we let it be.

Perhaps The Beatles had something there…
Let it be.

As for me and my sweet auctioneer, who knows where we’re headed or how long it will last. Its still too early to tell, but we’re off to a brilliant start. And I plan to enjoy every moment with him, basking in the joy and love he brings. Expressing gratitude for him and all he is and all he does. For his patience and honesty, for his strength and courage. Here and now, it is just so beautiful, and this, here and now, is all there ever is.

Those of you who follow my blog know what last year brought me. Every bit of heartbreak, every painful lesson was worth it because it led me to this. It led me to him.

Love is always worth it.

Trust yourself to love again.
Find that balance between fear and courage.
Let yourself trust again…with measured caution.
Don’t make someone new pay for another’s mistakes, but, at the same time, they must earn your trust, as you must earn theirs.

Say what you mean.
Do what you say.
Be courageous.
Communicate openly and honestly.
Build trust..
Cultivate intimacy.
Revel in love.

There will be a special dinner (with an acoustic performance by Steam Powered Giraffe) on Friday night, a Comedy & Vaudeville Show, a Gadgeteer Festival, Concert/Dance on Saturday night, LARP, and a real TEA ROOM, open for the duration of the event.

There will be several amazing guests and performances at Clockwork Con, including

• Steam Powered Giraffe
• Marquis of Vaudeville
• Airship Isabella
• Mr. Saturday & Sixpence
• Emperor Justinian of the Red Fork Empire
• Cut, Thrust, & Run
• DeeJay Dr. Q & Talloolah Love
• Bones Jangle & The Voodoo Island Cannibals
• Delirium of Grandeur
• Cracked Monocle
• And, of course, ME!

Join me in the tea room for tea or find me at one of my readings. My schedule for Clockwork Con is as follows:

Friday, January 20

• 1pm – Writing for Steampunk, Panel Rm 2
• 4:30 pm – Reading, Panel Rm 2
• 6 – 10pm – A Dinner Event of Aether and Steam

Saturday, January 21

• 2:45 pm – Reading, Tea Room
• 8-Midnight+ – Saturday Night Dance & Concert

Sunday, January 22

• 2:15pm – Reading, Panel Rm 3

Do join me and say hello. Let’s have some tea and chat!

Tickets are still available, find out more information on the Clockwork Con website.

Original Article in Psychology Today.

Excerpt:

Rather than having a father who towers above you, warning about the risks of sex, instilling fear about it, who rather than judging and guarding your development to determine whether or not you have become sexually active, instead asks if you feel you are ready and have any questions, then hands you some condoms and tells you to have fun.

What would you do?

Well, most people would probably answer that they would do just that. Have fun. Experiment. Maybe even go a little crazy. But not me. Oh, no.

That’s not to say that I didn’t start having sex in my teen years. It’s just that I looked at my free pass, my dance card, with skepticism. Hesitation. If my parents weren’t going to guard my sacred virginity like a lion at the gate, then I guess it was my responsibility to make a decision about what I wanted to do with it.

Also read his viral article “In Defense of Casual Sex“

If your sexual preference or lifestyle is “controversial” by society’s terms, you might find yourself questioning whether or not to share it with your family and friends. For those who are GLBT, the answer is increasingly yes, and I couldn’t be more pleased. Society is *slowly* moving past tolerance into acceptance around GLBT. Finally.

Alternative lifestyles are a different story. They are not understood or accepted by society, although I see that *slowly* changing as well. More and more people I meet not only know the term polyamory, but they often know someone who is living an open lifestyle. But the question remains…do you share this with your more conservative friends/family?

Sharing Your Lifestyle (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Here is a non-comprehensive list of Steampunk Conventions up to May. I have the honor of being a literary guest of honor at each of these fine events.

Get them on your calendars now and join me for tea!

HRM Steampunk Symposium – January 13-16, 2012. Long Beach, CA.

Clockwork Con – January 20-22, 2012. Austin, TX.

Gadgets & Gobstoppers – February 3, 2012, Dallas, TX

AnachroCon – February 24-26, 2012, Atlanta, GA

AnomalyCon – March 23-25, 2012, Denver, CO

Florida Steampunk Exhibition - April 13-15, 2012, Daytona Beach, FL

Aetherfest – May 4-6, 2012, San Antonio, TX

Look for con reports of some of these fine conventions throughout the spring.

Love. Such a simple word, but too many people avoid it like other four-letter-words. Although a simple word, it certainly does not convey a simple concept. Love is very complex sometimes, although it’s apparant complexity is really just a delusion. Nothing is more natural or beautiful than love, and it is just fear around the word or the intimacy it often suggests that causes people to give pause. The word love in the English language has many meanings from a deep affection or preference for something (I love my dog, I love chocolate) to actually being “in love.” And so many things in between.

Sometime hearing those three little words can make someone’s day. We all need to feel loved, so use it freely. Just ensure the recipient of those powerful words understands your meaning behind them, especially in romantic relationships. It’s perfectly wonderful to express love even before two people are “in love.” Make sure you both are on the same page.

Those Three Little Words (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Three years later, at the age of fifteen, I lost my virginity, and I’ve been basking in the joy of sex ever since.

As I’ve gotten older, more and more hang-ups and inhibitions have fallen by the wayside, which has only served to heighten the joy of sex. In my mid-twenties, I started studying the more sacred side to sex. While exploring aspects of spirituality outside the traditional (and culturally mandated) Judeo-Christian paths, I delved into various pagan and eastern traditions. In many of them sex is a way to tap into the divine nature of being.

From pagan practices of a man and woman coming together to symbolically represent the god and goddess to Tantric Sex where one can glimpse The Divine though love-making and the profound connection that is possible, albeit rare, between two people. Through my own sexual experiences and spiritual journey, I view sexuality and sex with another human being as rather sacred, at best, and at the very least a gift. I don’t take sex lightly. Unfortunately, many men whom I’ve encountered over the past 25 years do take it lightly. They take it for granted. They devalue it. They view it as a conquest. They use it at a means to an end…often using the women right along with it. And yes, certainly not only men behave in this manner. Women do as well.

I have come to pity those wo/men, actually.

They have no idea what they’re missing.

Play and laugh and learn and experiment. Bask in the joy of each other. Allow yourself to delve into a deep level of intimacy with another person, body and soul. Worship them and their body as an incarnation of love and desire and divinity, and let them worship you as well. It is indeed terrifying at times, but only because it is so profoundly beautiful.