I’m Taking Responsibility for Getting Raped

•January 21, 2014 • 22 Comments

A courageous woman named Coco Jones was the first to say it. She’s right. It’s all our fault. I’ve been in serious denial this entire time. All those people who said I needed to take some responsibility for what happened to me, here it is. My apologies to the neutral third parties who violated me, as it was completely my fault for being in the same room with you and trusting you. I’ve seen the error of my predator-blaming ways, and I apologize.

You truly must read the entire post, “I’m Taking Responsibility for Getting Raped,” but here are a few excerpts of things I’m particularly guilty of:

3. I let people in my life. I have relationships and friendships. I allow them in my home, I eat food they prepare for me without watching them cook it. I open the door when I am alone. I leave the house by myself to meet them places. I even let my partner tie me up and believe he won’t rape me on MERE TRUST.

I see now that it was truly my fault to be alone with my boyfriend, with whom I had had great sex with before I let myself get raped. He had told me he loved me and adored me so many times that I just really let my guard down. It’s really my fault that I didn’t push him away forcefully enough. Same goes with The Musician, silly of me to trust a colleague. My goodness, I’ve just let myself be a victim left and right.

I’ve learned a great lesson here. To not get myself raped or betrayed or discarded, I truly need to stop letting anyone in my life. Even therapists. No more friends. I’ll lock myself away in my room with my dog and cat, because then I’ll be safe. Indeed. Even my husband after 15 years together…one never knows. So, here is my first mistake. No doubt.

5. I dress like a fucking slut. No, really. I wear clothes that touch my body. I have hair. Sometimes it is up, sometimes I wear it down. I accentuate my eyes and lips with make-up. I go out in the world like this. Regularly.

6.My reflexes are not cat-like. If you throw something at me, it will hit me. I will not deflect it with a sudden, practiced movement. Things can catch my by surprise and I am not always ready for them. I should be sharpening my instincts daily. Instead I forget to because I’m usually doing something less important.

Me, too. I’ve made these same mistakes. In fact, I’ve got clothes on right now that touch my skin. I had better change before I go to the post office. I haven’t put make-up on yet, but I did already fix my hair. Maybe a bulky hat will help.

Additionally, I have an open heart and a tendency to believe people at their word, especially friends, colleagues, and lovers (the roles of the three men who violated me between 2010 & 2012). Foolish and careless of me, really.

In fact, I’m convinced that the only reason I haven’t been sexually assaulted since 2012 is that I have kept myself so isolated. I see no one other than my husband and therapist, which turns out was a waste of time and money for trauma recovery. All I ever needed to do was accept responsibility for the sexual violations. I do now, and how. I see the error of my ways. As long as I stay locked away in my house, venturing out only for Starbucks and to go to the movies alone (as long as I’m dressed properly), I should remain safe.

Good plan.

Just think, for nearly two years I’ve been saying how the rapist is responsible for choosing to rape and the communities for making excuses and embracing said rapists (ooops, neutral third parties, I mean) at their parties and conventions, when all along it’s been my fault. Huh.

Yep. I got myself raped, too.

Please read the post by the courageous woman who has just freed all of us “survivors” from years of recovery. We have nothing to recover from, as it was all our fault. Let’s start practicing victim flagging and rapist apology across the board. Let’s show sympathy for those poor neutral third parties who get labeled “rapist” for merely having nonconsensual sex and purposely blowing boundaries. It’s not their responsibility, after all.

Have some compassion!

Redefining Masculinity

•January 8, 2014 • 2 Comments

Excerpts from “Please Be That Guy! 7 Men Who Are Transforming Masculinity

Lately I’ve been seeing a pattern.  More and more men are standing up to misogyny, to sexual violence, to street harassment, to victim blaming, to rape apologia, to sexism.

Despite the noise created by the idiocy in the Men’s Rights Movement, a tide is shifting.

On every college campus and in every high school where I work, I meet young men who are passionate about creating a different masculinity.

In short, there are men who are acting like this:

Jamie Utt over at Change from Within goes on to spotlight seven amazing men who are speaking out loudly about domestic violence and rape. Darnell Moore, Fivel Rothberg, Kai M. Green, Emiliano Diaz de Leon, Jackson Katz, Jeff Perera, and Carlos Andres Gomez. Read the piece. Watch the inspirational videos. See once and for all that every time I or another feminist or anyone speaks out against men who commit violent acts against women, we are not ever, ever saying “all men are like that.” That’s something others put into our mouths to derail the important conversation.

Whether we’re talking about famous poets or intellectuals or our fathers or classmates, it’s time we start lifting up the brothers who are calling for a different masculinity, a more inclusive masculinity, a more non-violent masculinity.

Take this as a call to action.  Take some time to thank a man who you’ve seen do something, whether big or little, to build a better masculinity.

Read the entire article and watch all the videos at Change from Within.

2013 in Review

•December 31, 2013 • Leave a Comment

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The Louvre Museum has 8.5 million visitors per year. This blog was viewed about 150,000 times in 2013. If it were an exhibit at the Louvre Museum, it would take about 6 days for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

Poem Featured on Bar None Group

•December 26, 2013 • Leave a Comment

My poem “I Pretend You’re Watching Me” is featured today on the fabulous poetry site Bar None Group. This is the third poem of mine the site’s lovely editor Mark Butkus chose to publish.  The first, “New York Rain,” quickly entered their “Hall of Fame” in 2011 and has stayed there for over two years, much to my delighted surprise. The second was the mournful fantasy “Behind the Carousel” published in February 2012 between two horrific events (those who follow my blog know of which I speak), so I wasn’t able to promote it effectively. In fact, I had even forgotten they had published that poem. Events around and for months after that horrific week have become fuzzy in my memory. Such are the effects of PTSD.

My latest poem, “I Pretend You’re Watching Me,” signifies a time in my life where I’m finally able to feel love and desire again, and it’s wonderful to do so after the last few traumatic years. However, as you can tell in the poem, it’s an impossible love, one that can never be realized due to many reasons. For the same reasons, it’s a safe love. It’s a poem about longing and fantasy, but it is rooted in the reality of our situation. The dream that he feels the same way, even though he’s unable to express it, keeps me going on some days. On others, it’s pure torment to be in such close proximity to him when my heart is bursting with love for him, when my hands are trembling with the urge to touch him. Just once.

Thus the line about having to soon say goodbye, for self preservation.

I hope some of you can relate to the poem, but I hope even more than your lives and hearts are filled with love and joy, the kind that can be openly reciprocated.

May you all find peace.

~Olivia   xo

Happy Christmas!

•December 25, 2013 • 1 Comment

Quick note to say I wish for all my readers to find peace and revel in the joy of the season.

May you feel all the love your hearts can contain.


Kindle Countdown Deal!!

•December 2, 2013 • Leave a Comment

NickieCVR4WebGet The Zombies of Mesmer for low, low prices! Starting at $0.99 at 8am PST this morning (December 2), then slowly increasing in price over the next three days (December 5) until it’s back to it’s regular price of $3.99. Get it fast to get the best price!

Gearhearts Steampunk Glamour Revue just put up their lovely review of The Zombies of Mesmer and called it a “fun adventure story” with “a lighthearted balance” and “poignant moments.” They concluded: “This is a good book for any and all ages, especially if one enjoys a bit of mad science.”

Then, between December 6 and 8th, get the sequel during it’s very own Kindle Countdown Deal. Starting at $0.99 at 8am PST on Friday, December 6th, then slowly increasing in price over the next two days until it’s back to it’s regular price of $5.99. The Ghosts of Southwark GoS_Web

Time it right, and you can have both books on your Kindle for less than a good cup of coffee.

Also, the paperback version is now available for The Ghosts of Southwark on Amazon for just $11.66. For a limited time, get an author-signed copy of this latest installment of Nickie Nick, Vampire Hunter! Use THIS LINK to buy your copy by 11:59pm PST on Thursday, December 5th, and you’ll get your author-signed copy delivered to your doorstep in time for Christmas!


Poem: I Pretend You’re Watching Me

•November 24, 2013 • 2 Comments


I pretend you’re watching me,
While I clean the store at night,
While I sweep the floor.
I sway my hips for your delight
Pretend you beg for more.
I pretend you’re watching me,
Watching every move.
I pretend you long for me
The way I long for you.

I pretend you talk to me
And whisper secretly
Everything your heart desires
Your fears, your hopes, your dreams
Confide in me
Reside in me
Bear your soul to me
I become your confidante,
The one who holds your truth.
I pretend you talk to me
The way I talk to you

I pretend you’re touching me
When we meet at last
For a coffee late at night
When the day has passed.
First our knees find their way,
Then our hands do meet.
A rush of heat to our hearts
Then our lips to cheek;
I pretend you’re touching me
Touching me.
Tittilating taboo.
I pretend you’re touching me,
And I am touching you.

I pretend you’re watching me.
Secretly, tenderly watching me.
Waiting, wondering, wishing…

But it is not reality,
This fantasy of mine.
I know the time draws ever near,
The time to say goodbye.

And yet, tonight, I’ll still have hope
That you’ll be watching me.
I’ll sweep the floor and sway my hips,
Look into the night and see,
Beyond the glass, in the dark,
You secretly watching me.


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