When Love Dies
“Love never dies a natural death….Love dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. Love dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. Love dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishing.” ~Anais Nin
Last month I tried to breathe new life into a dying love…to no avail.
I blame Mumford and Sons, actually. Their soulful music, coupled with the loss surrounding me (not only the loss of my beloved, but knowing my cousin was watching her husband die and my sister’s friend having just committed suicide), inspired me to reach out to my dear friend. I firmly believe that love should never be denied, in whatever form it takes in one’s life, for it is too precious, too fleeting.
Mumford and Sons’s words “Roll away your stone, I’ll roll away mine/Together we can see what we will find” gave me the courage to believe that my beloved and I just needed to break down the barrier between us and heal the broken friendship beneath the failed romance.
So I took a chance, believing that the strong base of a cherished friendship would see us through.
“But I will hold on hope and I won’t let you choke on that noose around your neck.”
I started to convince myself that perhaps it was I who abandoned the friendship. Silly, really, in hindsight. Yet, a month ago, I emailed him and said that I wasn’t going to give up on a friendship as important as ours just because we got derailed for a few months. That I missed him. That I was here when he was ready.
“It’s not the long walk home that will change this heart, but the welcome I receive with a restart.”
How he must’ve laughed at that email.
“But darkness is a harsh term, don’t you think? And yet it dominates the things I seek.”
I have not heard a word from him. Not one. And although I still look for an email or a text every day, even a month later, they don’t come. I’m not sure if I’m more saddened or relieved by this absence of love. Saddened, I suppose.
“I gave you all…and you rip it from my hands and you swear it’s all gone. And you rip out all I have just to say that you’ve won…but I gave you all.”
This silence tells me that I truly meant nothing to him. That all the love I felt and all the pain that followed was for nothing. It was all for nothing.
“But you, you’ve gone to far this time…”
Because I am not nothing. I am love, and I continue to give that love. To him and all. I am not broken anymore. I am healing. I am stronger. I am worthy of honesty and respect and love.
“Love–it will not betray you, dismay you, or enslave you. It will set you free.”
Although Mumford and Sons inspired me to believe in him again, they are now helping me through another level of loss. Their words help me understand the truth that it was all a lie from the beginning. Their words help me find the strength to move forward, to forgive myself for being a fool in love…
“You did not think when you sent me to the break. You desired my attention but denied my affections. So tell me now where was my fault in loving you with my whole heart?”
The deception. The abuse. The abandonment. The loss. It was not my fault, except for being too blinded by love to see the truth. I loved him then. I love him now. I was true in my emotions. Although he was not true in his, I still cherish the little time we shared. And I still mourn it.
“Lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life.”
So, last month I took a chance again. Foolishly, it seems. I reached into the darkness hoping to find a friend, but I stood there alone. At least see now that I was always alone in this. That is a difficult reality to accept, but I’m slowly coming to embrace it.
The man I loved, the friend I cherished, was ultimately a figment of my imagination, a character I created just like I do in my books. As for the real man, he never let me close enough to see him. Although, I would still really like to know that real man. Perhaps one day he will find the courage to show me that man, although I will not hold my breath.
“Alone in the wind and the rain you left me. It’s getting dark, darling, too dark to see…I know you have felt much more love than you’ve shown. And I’m on my knees and the water creeps to my chest. Plant your hope with good seeds. Don’t cover yourself with thistle and weeks. Rain down. Rain down on me.”
Out of necessity, I had to unfollow him on social networks. Seems rather petty and I really hated doing it, but just seeing his face and watching him talk to everyone but me was far too painful. I had to do it for my own sanity, for my own well-being.
“Take the spade from my hands and fill in the holes you’ve made.”
I do want my cherished friend back in my life, if he ever existed, but I am quite uninterested in the arrogant public persona. I want to know the man behind the avatar, although I strongly suspect the avatar is all that’s truly there. I hope one day he proves me wrong on this point. Because I would really, really like to know the man beneath. In the mean time…
“I have other things to fill my time. You take what is yours and I’ll take mine. Now let me at the truth which will refresh my broken mind.”
I am reclaiming that which is mine.
“‘Cause I need freedom now, and I need to know how to live my life as it’s meant to be.”
And the grief subsides. The tears come much less often now. Yet, when I hear these words, I beat my chest and scream them to the heavens…because I feel. I love. I hurt. I love. I cry. I love. I love. I love.
“Stars! Hide your fires. These are my desires, and I will give them up to you this time around, and so I’ll be found with my stake stuck in this ground, marking the territory of this newly impassioned soul.”
Mumford and Sons songs quoted, from their CD Sigh No More: