Embracing the Cougar Within

Yes. I’ve aged into that category, I’m afraid. Quite an eye-opener, really.

I remember several years ago, a close friend told me something his grandfather had said, “My attraction to women remains the same as it’s always been, but there is a definite point where I turned from a potential lover to a dirty old man.”

Interesting perspective, that. I remember when I was seventeen, a thirty-five-year-old man was ancient, but a guy 16-21…HOT.

Now, of course, a 17-year-old boy looks just like that. A boy. Once they mature into their early twenties, though, they’re all man in my eyes. Have you seen Daniel Radcliffe lately?! Rawr.


But now, thirty-five year-old men are beautiful, too. Even men into their 50s turn this forty-something’s head. Middle-age has given me a broader range of attraction, ranging from about 22 to late-fifties, sometimes older. But when do I become unattractive in their eyes, especially the younger ones?

Just a few months ago I was propositioned by an early-20-something man, and it was very, very tempting. What a 20-something saw in this 40-something writer, I have no idea, but it was more than just a little flattering. Regardless, I did not indulge.

I really love men, and I really love sex. I’m a very happily married polyamorous woman, and I adore my husband. I’m fully aware how lucky I am to have found such an amazing man & partner with whom to share my life. But I still really love men, and I really love sex.

I’d love to have about three or four regular lovers. I have a rather insatiable appetite, as it were, but I’m not at all interested in casual NSA sex. Whatever. Give me mutual respect and friendship and love, someone with whom I have an intellectual, as well as sexual, connection. Not easy to find, needless to say. Such a connection happens far, far too rarely. I’m so fortunate to have found it once in this lifetime with my husband. Perhaps more is just greedy.

But I want more.

Recently I have enjoyed the (platonic) company of several young men over the past two months at conventions, and I’d be lying to say that I wasn’t more than a little attracted to one or two of them. But I’m also very aware of the age difference, likely moreso than they are. Certainly I must look like a cougar on the prowl to them, for their eyes and tastes are set to wo/men nearer their own age.


The term “cougar” has gained in popularity in our culture in recent years, or perhaps I’ve just noticed it since I turned 40. With Cougartown on prime time now and even with the MILF from American Pie all those years ago, the time of the cougar is now. They even have a website: http://www.dateacougar.com/


When the word “cougar” comes up, perhaps images of Demi Moore and Courtney Cox come to mind, but this is the first definition of “cougar” in the Urban Dictionary.

An older woman who frequents clubs in order to score with a much younger man. The cougar can be anyone from an overly surgically altered wind tunnel victim, to an absolute sad and bloated old horn-meister, to a real hottie or milf. Cougars are gaining in popularity — particularly the true hotties — as young men find not only a sexual high, but many times a chick with her shit together.

I’m not so sure I have my “shit together” anymore now than when I was 22. I also don’t frequent clubs nor do I try to “score with a much younger man,” and I’ve most certainly not had any plastic surgery. Still…if I’m attracted to a man, I don’t think of his age first. My mind is most definitely already somewhere else; however, I’m curious to know how younger men view older women overall. Need I keep my flirtations to myself lest I come across as a creepy-old-woman, or do younger men in general crave an experience with an experienced woman?

So tell me, gentlemen, what do you think of older women?

Sexy & experienced? Or just a cougar on the prowl?


~ by omgrey on April 6, 2011.

15 Responses to “Embracing the Cougar Within”

  1. Hmm. You ask some good questions at the end there.

    Personally, I age has no business in my mind. I love women. Period. Older, younger, same age. As long as we can find a common connection and enjoy each others company, then age is not a factor in my opinion.

    Thknk Burt Reynolds in his mid 1980’s film “The Man Who Loved Women” and I think you have the idea.

    My wife on the other hand tends to view me as more of a Hank Moody (Californication) without the coke habit.

    I have younger lady friends (platonic) and have periodically wondered if I come off as some creepy older guy myself.

    As far as experiance………..that depends on how you’ve lived your life I think. I tend to look of it as a state of mind and not just a lifestyle or something you’ve tried.

    As a younger man, I always seemed to end up with women my age or just a bit younger. Maybe I wasn’t looking in the right places for the older ones or maybe I hadn’t reached my freshness date. Not for lack of trying however.

    My assesment: older women yes!

    • “older women, yes!” That’s what I like to hear! 🙂
      I’m with you. Age never really entered into it. A connection is far more important. It’s difficult to find, but when it’s there, it’s there.

      I’ve also been mostly with men within a year or two of my age, and I think a lot of that has to do with shared experiences and culture. I once dated a man 18 years my senior. I was 27, he was 45. Age wasn’t an issue at first, but differences in culture and perspective became issues.

      I’ve been with younger men, too. Within a decade, but barely. The maturity level was the most difficult thing to deal with there. But then, the 45 year old was still pretty emotionally immature, too. Some people have serious intimacy issues, no matter what their age.

      Next week I’m writing a post on Sex as a Gift. What’s really difficult is finding that coveted connection with a lover who doesn’t devalue sex.

  2. I love cougars.

    I know in our society, it’s ok for an older man to chase women half his age, but if a woman did it, she’s somehow wrong to do so. I like seeing this change little by little. I can’t define the allure of an older woman exactly.

    I don’t want to type-cast. But for me, I found that an older woman was more confident, assertive, and comfortable in her role as a sexual being. Younger women know what sex is, but I feel they don’t excel at it’s practice. A hot chick is cute, but a “Milf” is sexy. There is something about that that attracted me.

    In my younger years, my first sexual experience was with a woman 20 years my senior. It was the most passionate experience I had ever had. It also set the bar unusually high as far as what I expected in a lover. And sex since then simply hasn’t measured up. Sure, there are people I have made love to that I felt deeply about, but the fireworks just weren’t as bright and loud. So to speak.

    I’m no longer cougar-bait. I still think an older woman is sexier.

    • Great reply, Chris! Thanks for your comments.

      Whenever I think of the cougar/cub scenario, I always think of the words “hot-to-trot” because of Happy Days. LOL. Richie was going on a date with a divorced woman, and all his friends kept saying she was hot-to-trot. I must’ve seen that episode 25-30 years ago, but those words still stick with me.

  3. It’s up to you, obviously, to choose your sexual partners based on your own standards. If you love sex, however, it would be a shame to limit yourself to encounters because of social taboos.

    At 45, I have zero problem being called a cougar and zero problem playing with boys half my age. My husband is the man I chose to spend the rest of my life with and we’re fortunate to have had an open marriage for 14 years. I have plenty of platonic friends to share interests and conversation with. However, hot sex comes in all sorts of packages and age groups and I’m delighted to partake in all that comes my way!

    Social mores be damned, I say. They change at the whim of popular opinion and, upon reflection and the distance of time, are many times deemed to be closer to ridiculous than socially necessary.

    If there’s something (or someone) you’d like to do and the only thing stopping you is “What would _____ think?”… well, again it’s up to you, but I haven’t had that thought in decades and I love living life on my terms.

    • Beautifully stated, Trixie! (Great name, btw.)

      My point was not so much about what society would think because, agreed, fuck ’em, but more about coming across as an unwelcomed advance. The female version of the “dirty old man.” I know I’m far from old, but I think it’s just the same insecurities of any attraction at the beginning, wondering if the one to whom you are attracted would welcome open flirtation or advances or not. The age factor just adds a new layer of insecurity, I suppose. I was never one for making the first move anyway, but I’m certainly more bold about it now than I was 20 years ago.

      Good for you and your husband! 14 years, sweet! I have yet to play with a boy half my age, but I’m looking forward to it at some point in the future. xo

      • Whether flirtation is welcome or not… what has society done to us? *grin* I flirt because I think it’s fun and harmless and I love sharing double entendres with a receptive audience, especially if a provocative conversation ensues. It doesn’t always have to lead to anything more than a shared look or smile. I believe anyone perceptive enough to realize there might be such a thing as an unwelcome advance would be sensitive enough to identify whether the passion target is interested or not.

        You come across as a sexy and sophisticated woman. Channel your inner Auntie Mame (the Rosalind Russell version, not Lucille Ball, *grin*); insecurities be damned! Anyone you make goo-goo eyes at should be flattered.

        You’re sweet to notice my name, btw. :} It’s my way of releasing my inner sex kitten. Young men are fun, older men are fun, sex is fun, laughter is fun, romping is fun. Fun keeps you young. Partake often!

      • Good point! I guess I never thought of it like that. The people who push unwelcomed advances are clueless, aren’t they? (or worse, they just don’t care)

        Agreed on all points. Sex and romping and laughter is fun. xo

        Thanks Trixie!

  4. You ask what he saw in you. I remind you a few months back of a response to a pic you tweeted from AllCon… The pic was of you posing by a steampunk Segway. I half jokingly asked you to pass my number to the hottie modeling with the scooter thing. He saw a beautiful woman, dear, as do many of us.

    But, I do understand about the difficulty in seeing that attractive person in the mirror. I seem to suffer from it, as well. Maybe, that’s the appeal of younger mates. They see, and they share, and we don’t feel so old. We see ourselves through their eyes for a while.

    I certainly don’t think its a bad thing.


  5. I’m pretty close to your age, so i don;t know if my opinion counts. but I’ll share it anyway. My wife of 13 years is 9 years older than me. We get on just fine. Ive recently been affectionately flirting with a 22 year old girl. There are so many other things that can go wrong in a relationship. So many factors that have to be “just right” for two people to really click. Why obsess over a number? If the age difference becomes a problem, deal with it then.

    He saw what we probably all saw. Your beautiful, smart, funny, creative and have an overdeveloped sex drive. (In truth I didn’t know about the sex drive until I got home from the SPWF, but hey, theres always next year!) In fact, you are quite the total package. Your husband is a lucky fellow.

    Hope I didn’t over-inflate your ego too much.

    • Agreed. No worries to obsess over a number. I just don’t want to come across as creepy, but I guess as long as I’m aware of that, I won’t.

      Not overfull, my ego, but definitely satiated. Thank you for your kind words.

  6. Great article (s)! In terms of ‘cougars’ – personally I don’t see age as the first thing, it’s what the person is like inside. If they have that spark that makes them exciting.
    I flirt a lot, with everyone, whoever…I’m heterosexual and have my ideals in female form, but if someone is fun then they are fun, just have to know thd boundaries!!
    Older ladies usually are a bit more relaxed, they aren’t worried that it’s going to lead to a date so they can flirt without fear they have to deal with rejection issues. No, I’ve never taken it beyond flirting, but with the right lady…maybe…

    Good luck with everything and enjoy your life’s quest for fun 🙂

  7. When I was in my young twenties I bought a t-shirt that said “Cougar Hunter” on it. I was under the mistaken impression that more mature women would be less jealous and insecure than younger women. It’s not true, but it did give me a lot of great experience and a better expectation for how long my childhood issues might plague me if I didn’t get my own shit together. I was sad to discover that I wasn’t simply going to “grow out” of my own problems.

    Anyway, something I hadn’t counted on that IS true, is that more experienced women tend to know their bodies better than younger women, and it’s easier to find mutual pleasure because she is not too worried about what I think of her to enjoy me.

    • There certainly is not an age limit on jealousy. And, indeed, we do not grow out of our issues. Nor do they go away if we ignore them, as so many people seem to think, or hope.

      Since writing this post back in April, I have been thrilled to discover that some younger men do see me as a sexual being. Being a cougar is actually a rather lovely place to be.

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