You Don’t Turn Me On

A few weeks ago, there was a wonderful post by Susan Anderson, author ofThe Journey from Abandonment to Healing, entitled “I Love You, but You Don’t Turn Me On.” It’s about learning to integrate sexual feelings with attachment rather without the newness and/or forbidden-ness of a love affair.

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, there are different stages of love. New love is intoxicating and often agonizing, but it’s nothing if not exciting and hot and passionate. We all too often equate our sexuality with this new love or new desire.

The deeper connection and more profound love that develops in relationships after the initial “in love” phase can also be a source of sexual desire, but sometimes we must retrain our brains for this. It’s very easy and natural to feel such desire for someone new or forbidden. It’s chemical. It’s biological. It’s easy, and it can be very hard, especially if a the relationship ends before it can grow into a more comfortable zone.

When security and companionship are allowed to grow in a committed relationship, sex can fall by the wayside. After all, no one can burn that bright for too terribly long. We would burn out. Exhausted. There is life: kids, bills, work, rest, family, responsibilities, etc. And it is so very wonderful to share your life with someone you love and who loves you back. There is nothing more beautiful, truly.

But still, human nature is partially based in our sexuality.

It might take a little more work, but sex with your long-term, committed SO (significant other) can be so much more rewarding, even if it’s not as hot as a new love.

Just because you’re not having sex as much as you used to doesn’t mean there is a problem. If you are both happy with your lives and the sexual part of your relationship, then don’t judge yourselves if you only have sex once a week, once a month, or once a year. However, if either you or your SO feel that your sexual lives are lacking, then make it a priority. Take time for yourselves, away from the kids and away from responsibilities.

  • Create a sacred space. Light candles.
  • Nurture and worship each other. Take turns giving your partner a massage.
  • Leave expectations behind. If your encounter together doesn’t result in coitus, no worries. Re-establishing a connection is far more important.
  • Talk. Laugh. Be silly. Share. Cry. Feel. Together.
  • Ensure you do little things throughout the day. Sneak little touches and kisses.
  • Express your love verbally and with little demonstrations. This can range from flowers to a small gift…or even cleaning the kitchen.
  • Most importantly. Please, SEE EACH OTHER
There is an amazing short story on this very topic written by Adrienne Crezo called “Husband-Shaped” that is in the current issue of “The Pedestal Magazine.” Quite poignant. Well worth a read.

“Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly.” ~Rose Franken

“Love has no desire but to fulfill itself.  To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.  To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving.”  ~Kahlil Gibran

Let’s talk.
What are some ideas to help nurture a loving relationship? Reconnect sexually?
How do you show your SO every day that they are still seen, loved, and desired?
What is your favorite love quote?

~ by omgrey on April 27, 2011.

5 Responses to “You Don’t Turn Me On”

  1. […] Original Blog Post Share this:Like this:LikeBe the first to like this post. […]

  2. What a lovely thoughtful post!

  3. Excellent Grey! This nails the reality of intimacy. Thank you. 🙂

  4. Reblogged this on evolution of the chicken.

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