Last week I did something quite out of character in an attempt to stand up for myself and regain some self-respect after a very difficult summer of loss. I sent an angry email to the man who caused the heartbreak.
Anger is a stage of grief, and I’ve been feeling quite a lot of it lately. I suppose that’s good because acceptance isn’t too far behind. But it’s not good when it hurts someone you love, and anger almost always hurts. In my pain, I reached out to my beloved to express myself and ask for some respect. We were trying to be friends, which is almost impossible after a love affair, but we were trying just the same, and it was going rather well for the most part.
Early on, he had said that he was determined to make it work between us, and so was I.
That is until last week.
My angry words hurt him and killed his desire to try any longer.
Up until this email, I had treated him and this entire fucked up situation with loving understanding and unending patience to the point of my own detriment. I had refrained from demonizing him just to get through the pain and grief cycle faster. But recently I’ve begun to feel quite used, tossed aside, walked on, and so the anger came.
Although I don’t regret saying much of what I said, because it needed to be said for my own sense of self-worth as well as to let him know certain things were not okay, I was unnecessarily harsh and insulting in my anger. In fact, I was abusive in my language, and that I truly regret. There is rarely a time such cruel words are necessary, and I’m ashamed to have used them against someone I love so dearly. I asked for respect but showed little in that email, and for that I am truly sorry.
All I can hope is that he understands that sometimes things that shouldn’t be said are said in anger and forgive me. Hopefully his anger will subside and the care we feel for each other beneath this struggle will bring us back into each other’s lives, for he is so very dear to me.
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~ by omgrey on September 5, 2011.