Is S/he Into You?

Recently a reader wrote to me and asked if I could write a post on how to tell if someone is into you or attracted to you. Man, if I knew the answer to that, I’d be rich. Really, really rich.

Still, there are signs, but we always are faced with a fear of rejection and the nagging question if we’re reading too much into the signs. Openly talking about polyamory, especially with someone knew, can immediately sound like a proposition, whether or not it is, so we must proceed with caution. In fact, this very thing happened to me rather recently.

There was a man to whom I was quite drawn, and I fancied he was attracted to me, too. We flirted a bit, but when my husband came up in conversation, as I never hide him away, I felt this man withdraw. If the person in question is a respectful person, they’re not going to tread on one’s marriage or primary relationship. So if they don’t know you’re polyamorous and they back off, then they’re likely interested, but respectful. If they don’t pull away, then it might just be flirtation for the sake of flirtation, also fun, or they’re not respectful of your situation. It’s a judgment call at this point, and dependent on your agreement with your SO.

But if you think they’re interested you can test the waters by bring it up casually in conversation. When in this situation, I texted a friend for advice, and he told me to talk about my blog. Seems rather obvious now, so I did. I talked about how rewarding it’s been to have gained a larger readership though discussing relationship issues on my blog. I told him how I talked about things from abusive relationships, broken hearts, and alternative lifestyles like polyamory and swinging. And that readers responded! I went on to say how liberating it’s been to talk about it under this persona, things I would never talk about under my real name for fear of family/friends freaking out. As I said in last week’s post, it’s none of their business anyway. Then I casually mentioned that my husband and I were polyamorous.

Worked quite well, actually.

So, feel free to use this blog series as an opener to the topic. If they’re interested, they’ll continue with the flirtation. And you might just get lucky.

This issue plagues everyone open to a new lover/relationship, but it is much more complicated if you’re poly. Never lie. Never hide your primary away. Never deceive. This new person must make their decision based on the reality of your situation.


~ by omgrey on September 7, 2011.

6 Responses to “Is S/he Into You?”

  1. This is pretty much exactly the situation I’ve been in. My wife and I have been discussing trying a poly relationship, and we’ve been wondering how to approach it. I’m always very upfront about being married, which sometimes leads to people being very judgmental about the fact that I’m also a terrible flirt. But I did take a similar approach- a wholly separate online persona from the one my friends and family deal with, though one that is still tied to my wife- and it has worked well so far. I’ve met some really great people and, if nothing else, we’ve been getting a lot more comfortable with seeing our marriage in terms of what we want it to be, rather than in terms of what our families and society tell us we should want it to be.

    I figure that, eventually, the line between the two will have to blur somewhat, which makes me feel a bit panicky, but I’ll deal with that when it happens. Until then, I’m happy. And I can’t ask for anything more than that.

    Thank you so much for your blog- it’s been a fantastic resource as we’re going through this period!

    • Good for you for exploring options to see what works for you as a couple!! Couples are as unique as individuals, and it’s such a shame that so many couples fall into the line of what society expects instead of talking with one another to find out what works for them. And, yes, don’t worry about that blurry line now. Just be here and now with your wife and know that you are both in an excellent place, making your relationship stronger.

      I’m so very pleased the blog has been helpful to you. X

  2. Just nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award! Your pictures and content are right on! Keep it going and get that white Playa dust off of you!
    Much love~

  3. You’re spot on Grey! And great casual transition into your’s & your husband’s personal lifestyle! Once that Pandora’s Box has been opened the excitement starts, BUT with no guarantees of a beautiful outcome, especially long-term, as you’ve ripely experienced recently. What sometimes falls by the wayside in these situations is your own integrity toward not only your spouse/SO, but the RESPECT your also showing the new encounter…AND their own spouse/SO if they are equally OPEN and honest.

    Frequently these indicators get totally lost in the “heat of the moment” which in and of itself is beautiful & natural between human beings! But as we both know the complexity up to that point is only beginning — so many ancient societal taboos must be dealt with thoroughly. I sometimes get frustrated with this slow “cautious” approach because it can dampen (even kill) the romance or steamy lustful chemistry NATURALLY happening! Again, something that should ALWAYS be embraced when happening under the ‘honorable’ terms of our lifestyle.

    Superb stuff once again Grey! Keep it coming! 🙂

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