It had been 11 years since I had fallen in love. The last time, all those years ago, was with my husband, to whom I am still so happily married. He is my everything, my universe. He is patient and kind and supportive and loving. He is gentle and intelligent and affectionate. I tell him every day how lucky I am to have him in my life. I thank him every day for his unending patience with me, and I thank the universe for him as well. Every. single. day.
It had been 11 years since I had fallen in love. It had been about 15 since I had my heart broken and over 20 since it had been shattered. Then over this past year of utter hell, I have fallen in love twice and been shattered twice. It must be the last twelve years of being with such a great man, one who is honest and has a deep sense of integrity, that I have a tendency to just trust people. It must be living in an open and honest relationship that makes me believe other people’s words, for I do take people at their word. And I just keep getting burned.
As I recover from the latest slight, from a man I trusted implicitly–a man who betrayed that trust–the realization of what this past year of agony has been hit me last week.
As a dark romance author, I must spin tales of desire and heartbreak, love and death. My personal experience of falling in love was based on a decade-old memory. My personal experience of heartbreak, extreme heartbreak, was over two decades old. Well, fate fixed that.
Likely the darkest time in my entire life, the past year has reminded me of what it feels like to fall in love, to be sick with love, to feel the agony of desire, to suffer the crippling pain of heartbreak. After losing nearly 25 lbs due to the anxiety over the losses, after being unable to focus enough to read or write anything longer than a short story or a blog post for months, I have finally found my silver lining, the only good thing to come out of this torment (besides being thinner than I have been in 20 yrs): Emotional Research.
Now I have fresh memories of the pangs of love. Now I have recent sensations of feeling so much desire for another, and feeling the same from them, that you fear it will consume you–and you just don’t care. Now I have the emptiness, that sinking, hollow feeling in your soul that only heartbreak can bring.
Now I remember it all.
With a little more time to heal–once I can focus again, once I can write again–I will be a better writer for it. My stories will be full of more emotion. They will contain richer characters, deeper pain. They will contain burning desire and crippling loss.
Because it all has to be for something. Right?
Please tell me that there will be some benefit when I finally get over this.
Until then, I will continue trying to get through each day. Pushing memories out of my mind. Sleeping as much as humanly possible just to have a few hours of relief. Finding distractions when I can. Crying when I can’t. Looking ahead. Going through the motions of life until I can once again feel alive.
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~ by omgrey on September 26, 2011.
Posted in Lost in the Aether
Tags: author, broken heart, grief, healing, heartbroken, honesty, love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex, shattered