Kramping My Style
Before this year, I had never heard of Krampus, the Alpine figure who accompanies St. Nick and punishes (& eats particularly) bad children. From Krampus-themed holiday parties to this Krampus Blog Carnival hosted by Nevermet Press, he seems to be everywhere I turn this season. Even in my own home. Last night, I felt Krampus kreep into my heart and try to ruin my Christmas cheer and budding romance. He shook his chains and rang his bells and tried to frighten me away from the beauty of love.
Over the past few weeks I’ve been quieter on social networks and this blog. That is partially due to the bustle of the holidays and working hard to get the Kickstarter projects done and in the mail in time for Christmas, but it’s also because I’ve been cultivating two new relationships.
Yes, friends, after a year of heartache, love is in the air for this romance author once again. Although, due to my experiences, which I’ve blogged about throughout this difficult year (YAY that it’s almost over!), I am quite a bit more cautious offering my heart to someone new. It has been ill used a few times this year, after all.
Both gentlemen are lovely, and it’s been so much fun getting to know them over the past six weeks. My husband is thrilled with my new relationships, feeling that I deserve some happiness and joy after such a painful time. This is the first time I’ve sought out true polyamorous, loving relationships beyond theory, and it is truly wondrous. I know very well how to maintain a relationship, after being blissfully married for 11+ years, but I’m relearning how to build a relationship.
One of these two men and I have become surprisingly and profoundly close in a way that neither of us had previously experienced. It’s wonderful. It’s terrifying. It’s a cause for celebration! It’s a cause for caution!! I’ve worked hard to heal from the betrayals of earlier this year, and friends have helped me find my strength not to build walls, but rather filters of protection against possible new threats. Although there is often pain in love, there is also love in love. And love, as I’ve said so many times before, should never be denied. One must risk their heart to experience love, and it is so very worth the risk.
Perhaps because of the pain I’m a little wiser, and I’m definitely more prudent. I’m forcing things to move a little slower than I’d like. I’m recognizing and acknowledging red flags or potential red flags. I’m diligently working to stay centered and grounded while opening my heart to new possibilities. I’m reciprocating, but not giving too much more. I’m keeping my inner balance. I’m allowing things to happen and unfold rather than seeking reassurances and definitions, something very new to me. And because of this, I’m continuously surprised by him. By us. It’s simply gorgeous, and it becomes more so with each passing day.
So last night, on the eve of Christmas Eve, in the midst of my joy at my budding love, Krampus showed up in the form of my old nemesis Anxiety. Out of the blue. Without reason or rhyme. And Krampus whispered doubts in my ears, filling my heart with fear and my tummy with a rumbly, uneasy sensation. He tried to sabotage love.
It didn’t work.
This Yuletide season, I got my greatest wish. It’s the thing that makes this life worth living. It’s connecting with another human being. It’s experiencing what they have to offer. It’s giving what you have to offer and being grateful that they let you. It’s basking in the abundance of love. It’s reveling in the joy of being. It’s validating the concept that love is infinite, and the more you love…the more you love. Love breeds love, and it is gorgeous.
So although my husband must be away from me and I’m not with blood relatives this Christmas, I am with family. Chosen family. I am loved. Tonight I’ll snuggle in front of the fire with my new beloved and watch my favorite holiday film, Love Actually. We’ll wake up on Christmas morning in each other’s arms. We’ll open special gifts and laugh at my Santa apron while I make waffles. We’ll gaze into the other’s eyes and marvel at the good fortune of finding each other. We’ll be grateful for the love we share, for it is the greatest gift of all.
Even Krampus can’t kramp my style this Christmas. No, sir. He is not welcome here.
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~ by omgrey on December 24, 2011.
Posted in Lost in the Aether, Romance & Relationships
Tags: author, broken heart, christmas, healing, heartbroken, honesty, intimacy, krampus, love, nevermet press, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationships, romance, sex, st. nicholas, st. nick