Building A Romantic Relationship
I’ve been very happily married for over eleven years. I truly know what it takes to maintain a healthy, open, honest, and loving romantic relationship.
But, as it turns out, I’m rather rusty at building a new one.
Thankfully, I’m a fast learner. And, with even more gratitude, my secondary is a patient, loving, honest man.
One of the major things I’ve learned is to refrain from being too open, too fast, which I have a tendency to do. That’s not to say I withhold information or deceive, not by any means, but it takes time to get to know someone. A huge, rambling info-dump of who you are, your history, and your issues will only serve to frustrate and overwhelm. No one can process so much information at once.
It’s been a challenge for me, as I’m so used to just opening up and letting it all out at once to my husband, but a fledgling relationship needs more space to breathe.
Through a lot of inner struggle, I’ve forced myself to slow down and let things unfold naturally with my sweet auctioneer. Sometimes it was sheer torture between my emotional regulation issues, anxiety over the heartbreak last year, and deep control issues, but I have been wonderfully amazed. Euphorically shocked, actually, at how things developed because I just let them. Correction. Because we just let them.
And it’s more beautiful than I could’ve imagined or hoped for.
Both he and I, as everyone, come to a new relationship with “baggage” from childhood and past romantic relationships’ successes and failures. We each have our own fears and precautions, mine definitely more pronounced after last year, but through open and honest communication, we’re working through them and allowing ourselves to love again, to take the relationship for what it is rather than what we fear or hope it to be. Through radical honesty and a big dose of courage to face things that are sometimes uncomfortable, we have each found in the other something very special, indeed.
I’m not ashamed to admit I looked online for assistance because I really, really didn’t want to fuck things up because of other men’s mistakes and my loss of trust due to betrayal and abuse. After all, this man didn’t break my heart. This man didn’t betray me. This man didn’t toy with me and abuse my trust. This man doesn’t deserve to pay for the lack of integrity in others. All that said, I still had a need to protect myself from such slights again. It was a delicate balance, one I’m still working through, to be cautious yet open to love.
One of the sites I looked at is Dating Inspiration Online. It is full of articles outlining the most common relationship mistakes. That balanced with my determination to find an open, honest, loving relationship and the communication skills I’ve learned over the years, all along with his skills and determination as well, has enabled us to become close and really begin to trust the other. It’s still early in the relationship, but it is more beautiful than I could’ve imagined. I’ve already said that, haven’t I?
It’s worth saying again.
I’m also not ashamed to admit that the reason this post is a week late is because I’ve been reveling in the joy and wonder and ecstasy of this gorgeous new connection. Spending more time in real life with him than in front of the computer. That coupled with maintaining a primary relationship and traveling to conventions, things like blog posts sometimes fall through the cracks. And that’s so okay! There is nothing more important to me than relationships with others, especially romantic relationships.
And this one is glorious.
Through non-monogamy and the concept that we don’t own each other…
Through respecting the other’s freedom…
Through being aware and sympathetic to our respective fears…
Through courage and honesty…
Through discovering each other for who we are instead of who we want the other to be…
Through the understanding that the only thing either of us ever wants to hear is the truth…
Through embracing compersion and rejecting jealousy
Through the knowledge that love breeds more love, desire more desire…
We have found something truly beautiful. Just because we let it be.
Perhaps The Beatles had something there…
Let it be.
As for me and my sweet auctioneer, who knows where we’re headed or how long it will last. Its still too early to tell, but we’re off to a brilliant start. And I plan to enjoy every moment with him, basking in the joy and love he brings. Expressing gratitude for him and all he is and all he does. For his patience and honesty, for his strength and courage. Here and now, it is just so beautiful, and this, here and now, is all there ever is.
Those of you who follow my blog know what last year brought me. Every bit of heartbreak, every painful lesson was worth it because it led me to this. It led me to him.
Love is always worth it.
Trust yourself to love again.
Find that balance between fear and courage.
Let yourself trust again…with measured caution.
Don’t make someone new pay for another’s mistakes, but, at the same time, they must earn your trust, as you must earn theirs.
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~ by omgrey on January 18, 2012.
Posted in Romance & Relationships
Tags: author, healing, honesty, intimacy, love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, polyamory, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex