He Said, She Said
I’ve had enough of the He Said, She Said nonsense. It’s partially what came between me and the auctioneer. Everyone involved in the He Said, She Said circle spoke out of love and care for everyone involved, of this I have no doubt, but it still resulted in the same confusion. We are all just learning how to do this, manage multiple loving relationships, and we’re making mistakes along the way. Sometimes, really, really big mistakes. Especially me. I keep making more and more, it seems, just by trying to cope and process and move forward.
From a place of complete peace a few days ago, I went to Yoga with his ex, my new friend with whom I have so much in common as emotional women. I really, really love her, but I got lots of information about him that I didn’t ask for or want. She was only trying to be helpful and loving and open, it’s just the way we both are, and I don’t blame her one bit. The pain is inside me, and I’m still at a place where I can’t hear new information unless it comes directly from him.
She said, he misses me.
She said, he feels dumped.
She said, he’s hurting.
She said, he and his other, the one he was considering breaking up with a week before we did because they didn’t have an emotional or spiritual connection, are “coming into their own,” partially because our breakup made them closer.
She said, don’t worry, he’ll be fine. He’ll get over you.
Bottom line, it means nothing unless it comes from him, and he’s not talking to me at the moment, nor am I talking to him. We’re in that period of No Contact (NC) that is essential after any breakup to gain perspective of what happened. A time that hopefully both people are assessing their emotions and desires. A time that might turn out to be just a break, that speed bump I spoke of, or the beginning of permanent separate paths. (Please let it be the former.)
He said, she said doesn’t help. It just confuses things further.
He knows where I am.
He knows I love him dearly.
He knows my arms are wide open.
He knows I’m willing to talk and continue to love together.
So, my sweet auctioneer, if you miss me, call me. I’m right here.
I don’t want to see it on Facebook. I don’t want to hear it from anyone else. I don’t want to guess. I don’t want to assume.
Let’s just talk to each other, okay? Enough of the He Said, She Said bullshit.
This relationship is between me and you. Not me and you and your ex. Not me and you and my husband.
ME AND YOU.
As for my lost peace, it’s not really lost. It’s still there, but it’s been more challenging to tap into it after seeing her, which is my issue, not hers. It’s just another step towards choosing that peace in every moment. Tolle talks about how there are glimpses of it, then they gradually get to be more than glimpses. And that’s what this was. A full 30+ hours of peace, and it was lovely. The longest I had ever experienced it, and I’ll get there again. I’m there right now, in fact.
I remember once my beloved auctioneer said how he looks forward to the day when that’s his normal state and the periods of unconsciousness are the one’s that are fleeting. To say, Huh! I was totally in my head, my egoic mind, for that moment, but here is the peace again, rather than the other way around.
It’s a process. As is grief.
The cycles of denial, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance continue. Several times a day I cycle through them. Sometimes anger is the strongest, sometimes depression. Often denial with the hope in my heart that will not die. But acceptance comes, and it goes. When it comes, like the peace, it stays around longer.
I accept this new reality, this new life. It’s not the one I wanted, but it’s the only one I have. I’m okay overall. There are waves of grief, of course. Part of losing something so dear, but I’ll be just fine. And, in case there is any confusion…here it is straight from my own lips (um, keyboard.):
I love you.
I miss you.
I will welcome you with open arms.
I want to rebuild trust and love together.
I want to take it slower and build a stronger foundation. There is no rush. This love isn’t going anywhere.
I want to meditate with you again. Have breakfast on the terrace. Taste wine on your lips.
I want to dance with you. Feel dubstep with you. Laugh with you. Hike with you.
I want to worship your body. Bask in your presence. See you in the morning light, the sunshine, and the moonlight along a rushing creek in the middle of the night.
I want to celebrate the joy of being with you.
I want to find a way to this peace we’ve both glimpsed, supporting each other on this beautiful journey.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
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~ by omgrey on March 1, 2012.
Posted in Lost in the Aether
Tags: author, eckhart tolle, grief, healing, honesty, intimacy, love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, passion, polyamory, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex, Thich Nhat Hanh