Over the past two weeks, I’ve been vacillating between self-righteous anger and deep sadness, a profound sense of peace to a painful unconsciousness, the present moment to projected future & tormenting past. From acceptance to accusation. From a place of unconditional love to a place of terrifying fear.
Just trying to understand & make sense of it all.
As part of processing such drastic life changes, the break of a beautifully loving relationship and the move out of and back into my home, among others, I’ve written about things as they’ve come up, sometimes from a place of peace, other times from a place of confusion, fear, and pain.
Fortunately my readers and friends have been patient with me and for the most part completely supportive. Unfortunately, at the same time, because I’ve done this publicly on this blog & on Facebook in an attempt to find solace and support and understanding, I’ve hurt a dear friend and thereby lost her friendship.
So, this will be the last post on the subject.
I’m letting go.
I don’t know what the future will hold, reconciliation of love or no, and I’m letting go of that outcome. What will be, will be. Que sera sera.
My public processing isn’t helping anyone, least of all me.
I know this for certain: the love my sweet auctioneer & I shared isn’t going anywhere. Nothing real truly dies. And what we share is real.
So whether it’s tomorrow, next week, or some undetermined time down the road, when we’re both in a place to forgive, rebuild trust, and give each other another chance, that love will remain. For that I am grateful, as grateful as I am for the time we shared.
I will be silent on this blog for the next week in mourning.
If he happens to visit and reads nothing else, I hope he will read Breathing Out, I Smile. As for the rest, I hope he, and everyone, will keep in mind the rush of conflicting emotions that come forth in such a time and forgive any unconsciousness on my part.
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~ by omgrey on March 2, 2012.
Posted in Lost in the Aether
Tags: author, eckhart tolle, grief, healing, honesty, intimacy, love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, passion, polyamory, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex, Thich Nhat Hanh