Letting Go…

20120302-135816.jpgOver the past two weeks, I’ve been vacillating between self-righteous anger and deep sadness, a profound sense of peace to a painful unconsciousness, the present moment to projected future & tormenting past. From acceptance to accusation. From a place of unconditional love to a place of terrifying fear.

Just trying to understand & make sense of it all.

As part of processing such drastic life changes, the break of a beautifully loving relationship and the move out of and back into my home, among others, I’ve written about things as they’ve come up, sometimes from a place of peace, other times from a place of confusion, fear, and pain.

Fortunately my readers and friends have been patient with me and for the most part completely supportive. Unfortunately, at the same time, because I’ve done this publicly on this blog & on Facebook in an attempt to find solace and support and understanding, I’ve hurt a dear friend and thereby lost her friendship.

So, this will be the last post on the subject.

I’m letting go.

I don’t know what the future will hold, reconciliation of love or no, and I’m letting go of that outcome. What will be, will be. Que sera sera.

My public processing isn’t helping anyone, least of all me.

I know this for certain: the love my sweet auctioneer & I shared isn’t going anywhere. Nothing real truly dies. And what we share is real.

So whether it’s tomorrow, next week, or some undetermined time down the road, when we’re both in a place to forgive, rebuild trust, and give each other another chance, that love will remain. For that I am grateful, as grateful as I am for the time we shared.

I will be silent on this blog for the next week in mourning.

If he happens to visit and reads nothing else, I hope he will read Breathing Out, I Smile. As for the rest, I hope he, and everyone, will keep in mind the rush of conflicting emotions that come forth in such a time and forgive any unconsciousness on my part.

Namaste.

~ by omgrey on March 2, 2012.

16 Responses to “Letting Go…”

  1. Much love….I think that’s all that I need to say!!!

  2. The past does not exist. The hardest thing for humans seems to be staying in the moment, the present moment. It has been scientifically proven that our memories of the past are NOT accurate or correct. The human mind is a very tricky thing. It seems you continue to have a tremendous amount of support that I do not have, and have never had. Your photos on this blog website are beautiful!

  3. You inspired me today, love. I read what you wrote and it about engulfment fears and it was as if I was reading my own life. I am going through the same situation now and letting go seems to be the best option. It is literally rocking me to my core, this pain. And I tried not to get into this again with the boy but…I couldn’t. As you said here, what he and I have is real. No matter how much damage we do to it, it always floats to the top.

    I feel enraged because I’m not the one running and torturing our love. But I understand that if he could do it he would. It seems so unfair to have found what everyone in the world is looking for other than God, but not be able to live in it and enjoy it.

    I am going to read breathing out and then breath. I am going to share this week of mourning with you and then move on.

    The only thing I hate more than it all….what you said about being in the right place to forgive and start over is true. But I hate it because it means that one day we will reconcile again but I still have to be the one who sits through this pain right now. And then the pain is for nothing, it’s a waste, because one day we’ll be together again…? It makes me so angry I don’t even want to.

    Thank you for writing to us and being transparent.

    Let’s do something good for ourselves this week after we mourn. Let’s rock some dream we’ve been putting on hold.

    • Your comment moved me. We will mourn the loss, but let’s also celebrate the love together. We have found what everyone is looking for. Be grateful to have experienced it.

      As for the pain, I hope you find it’s not that bad, as I have. When it comes, turn into it. Name it. Every emotion. Scream & cry. You’ll be surprised at how fast each wave passes.

      Then choose peace & happiness in the next moment. Breathe.

      Ask yourself: what is the one thing I can do in this moment to feel happy, at peace. Because this moment is all there ever is.

      Trust in the love. It’s inside you & all around you. Let it fill the cracks in your heart. More love will come to you, for it is infinite. Whether from him or from another. It will come to both of us again.

      Namaste.

  4. Your writing is very articulate and your public processing is helpful as a model for someone like me who isn’t good at expressing emotions. Best to you.

    • Thank you. I’m so pleased you’ve found it helpful. It’s interesting for me to talk with people who have trouble expressing. It’s so opposite from me, as I have trouble not expressing. Sometimes it is literally painful not to express what I’m feeling, but I’m trying to learn how to keep more to myself.

  5. I was thinking about you tonight as I headed home. Wondered how your week had gone and I realized that tonight was the last night for me to experience and dwell in this situation. It’s funny, though, I did what you said and let every moment where the pain rose up in me flow out of me and through me and the last few days, until tonight when my friends asked me what was going on, I had not thought about him much at all.

    And you are right about the love continuing. There are so many men who are looking for a good woman to be with that there really is no point stressing ourselves over men who were, basically, afraid of commitment, locked into fears that they developed in past relationships, and whose love for us was not stronger than their fears.

    We need a strong man because we are strong women. A brave man because this type of man is the only one by whom a strong woman can be inspired. A leading man who, upon recognizing his love for us, does not muck about but instead takes us like a real man should.

    Tonight I heard on the radio that song “you can’t always get what you want…but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need.”

    It is perfectly representative of this situation for me. In many ways, he was killing me. By playing with my emotions he was distracting me from my goals, by making me feel like I was the problem, he was hurting me and making me feel like less of a woman. The truth is….I NEEDED to get away from him but I did not have the strength to walk away myself. I thank God for allowing him to leave. It hurt like heck at first, but I know in the long run I will be so glad it happened. I honestly already am.

    May the love we experienced be multiplied by a hundred in our next relationships.

    Namaste.

    • I’m so happy to hear you’ve come to a place of relative peace. As for me, I still think about him far too often, and when I do, I let him go again and again. When the pain rises, I feel it. Go into it. It doesn’t come up as much anymore.

      The love does continue. Getting your message this morning really inspired me to keep fighting my thoughts about it. It helped me feel stronger. There are so many men looking for a good woman. So many men who would be grateful for the love, dedication, passion, intimacy. But, yes, they must be strong men to be with strong women like us. Very, very strong. And brave as well. Enough courage to face fears head on, because everyone has them. Enough courage to look inside and ask difficult questions. Enough courage to let go of the past and misconceptions. Enough courage to trust in love.

      I’ve chased away the feelings that I wasn’t enough for him to the understanding that I was too much for him at this time. Your right, their fears were stronger than their love for us, which means, in my case, that his fears must be even deeper and more terrifying than my own, because the love between us was profound. I feel compassion for a person who feels that much fear, so much it robs them of love. And in my case, an unconditional, free love. Never did he have to edit himself or stay devoted to only me. He was loved and he was free. And his fear was so great that he gave that up. Yes, great compassion and love for that man. I hope he finds peace.

      And, you are right again, I think you did need to get away from him. I suppose I did, too. Even if it’s temporary, that is, if he can once again find the consciousness and courage within him, but after three weeks tomorrow…

      This space was necessary for me to regain equilibrium and perspective. To find my own peace. And I have.

      Indeed, may the love and connection and intimacy we experienced be multiplied by a hundred in our next relationships. Both with a strong man who is capable of reciprocating love, respect, desire, and the rest on our level.

      Namaste.

  6. […] After all, there is nothing I can change about what happened three weeks ago. I cannot make a different decision or say something else. What’s done is done. That no longer exists. So I let that go. […]

  7. […] week I had a reader email me during my brief mourning hiatus and express how much my blogs had helped her deal with her own emotions and breakup. It reminded me […]

  8. […] After the most recent loss of love, I really looked inside myself to see why I didn’t feel happy more often. Why I didn’t notice the intrinsic joy within. Why it took someone else to point that out. Why I so identified with sadness and depression. Why I found some kind of satisfaction or justification in it. I knew I could just choose to be happy in any given moment, to focus on the joy in life instead of the sorrow, but it seemed like so much work when sadness was natural in a time of the loss of such a significant relationship. […]

  9. You helped me with your public processing. I am experiencing the same thing, I have gone through all your thoughts and emotions. I have gone through it seemingly alone which is all very necessary I realize. Thank you for your spirit of bravery in baring your soul. Most people can not process, let alone express, these emotions, thoughts, and feelings you have so thoughtfully shared. I admire your depth. I find solace in your reminder that depth is often frowned upon for it shines a light into the dark caverns of searching spirits. I thank you soul sister, from the bottom of my open, wounded, healing heart.

    • And I thank you, sister, from the bottom of my open, wounded, healing heart for telling me all this. It has made my day.

      In solidarity, honesty, and openness,

      ~Olivia

  10. […] Letting Go […]

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