Evolve, Damn It!
The most conscious, most loving, and most honest relationships don’t end, they evolve.
EVOLUTION: A gradual process in which something changes into a different and usually more complex or better form.
Emphasis on the word gradual.
As far as I’m concerned, this is by far the best way for a loving relationship to end because, well, it doesn’t. It evolves. Gradually over time, a relationship may evolve from a loving and passionate, sexual relationship to a loving, deep life-long friendship.
The love doesn’t die, it evolves.
If this relationship is an open one, that is a type of non-monagamous relationship like a polyamorous one, other people may come into your or your beloved’s life, bringing new passion and love along with them to the benefit and enrichment of all concerned. When they do, they do so and deepen the love and connection between your and your beloved. Loving together, you love others. Loving together, you love more. It’s not about finding something better. It’s about opening your heart to more love, different experiences.
Unfortunately, this happens all too rarely. I’ve had it happen once in my life, with my ex-fiance in a monogamous relationship, but even that ended more than could have. It was not as painful, though, because it ended with love and respect after some evolution had taken place. Afterward, we stayed in touch, and we’re still friends nearly 20 years later.
In true polyamorous relationships, where all parties are open, honest, take responsibility for themselves and their actions, actively pursue their own self-awareness and self-growth, and aren’t afraid to examine their own insecurities and fears as well as be present and in a place of support while their partner examines and works through their own, relationships will have the presence and compassion and support to evolve.
Allow me to define what I mean by “true polyamorous relationships.”
Polyamory, as I’ve discussed at length in previous posts, has no hard and fast rules. Each polyamorous or non-monogamous relationship truly must make their own rules and agree upon definitions to words (like jealousy, serious, relationship, sex, etc.) that work for the couple in question. That goes for the details of specific polyamorous relationships. All relationship structures depend on honesty and openness for real intimacy & success, but Polyamory, as opposed to other forms of non-monogamy like swinging or just the nondescript “open” relationship, relies on a heavy level of commitment. “Commitment to honesty, to sexual safety, to facing one’s own insecurities, to making difficult sacrifices when necessary, to the difficulty of standing up for oneself when necessary, and a willingness to be with a partner through some very strong emotions.” (Source)
Unfortunately for those of us who are looking for a real relationship in polyamorous circles, those who have an innate fear of commitment and intimacy have a tendency to think that their lack of responsibility and inability to commit makes them “polyamorous.”
It makes them dangerous to the hearts and souls of loving, giving, honest people.
Too often, I’ve learned, that players consider themselves “polyamorous,” thinking they can have lots of NSA sex. Commitmentphobes consider themselves polyamorous, thinking that if they just date married women they never have to take responsibility for their own actions, for the heart of their partner, and avoid “drama” and hurt feelings, because, well, that’s what their husband’s are there for.
Next week, I’m going to explore commitmentphobia in another post, but let me just say this: it is a psychological illness, like any other phobia. If you find yourself in love with a commitmentphobe, they must acknowledge the issue and commit to working on it, usually with the help of a therapist. If they do that, then with some patience, understanding, and a lot of love, you can make a relationship work. However, if they are content with just going from breaking one heart to breaking the next, then get out and get away for your own safety.
I have absolutely no respect for players, on the other hand. These are wo/men who knowingly and consciously “play” their partners, making them believe there is really intimacy and connection when it’s just part of their manipulative game.
There is nothing fun about hurting people.
As I’ve said before, and I’m obviously much better at saying it than doing it, trust takes time to build.
Words + Supporting Action + Reliability Over Time = TRUST.
I had a counselor once tell me that it takes at least three months for a person to show their true colors, sometimes longer.
Last week, I came across a wonderful blog on Getting Past Your Breakup. Among the several great articles therein, one called “Benefit of the Doubt” caught my eye. It’s an excellent post. Please read that and others on that blog if you are going through a breakup. Some very helpful information there. This entire blog is in support of the book by the same name. Great book, too. Go buy it.
Hmmmm. A book on surviving a broken heart. I’m an author. I’ve certainly have experience doing it…
I totally digressed away from the topic at hand! Imagine that!
So, in your relationship(s), examine yourself often. Be honest with yourself and then be honest with your significant other. Openly discuss your fears and hopes and dreams. Openly discuss your insecurities and love and desires. Openly discuss everything. Have fun. Go out and play. Stay in and play.
When doubts or questions come up, discuss them with your partner. Don’t vacillate in your own head for days or weeks or months or (god forbid) years on a decision without sharing these thoughts with your partner. You are PARTNERS in this. You’ve chosen to share your lives together, no matter how long you’ve been together. Give them the respect of being part of the decision-making process. Don’t let a change come out of nowhere in their eyes because you didn’t have the courage or respect to discuss it with them.
Allow your love to grow and evolve into whatever it will become. As long as you’re coming from a place of love and understanding and compassion, hurt feelings and misunderstandings, part of any relationship, will be minimized. As you move along in love together, you will learn how to best manage these and other types of pain and fears together.
You are a team. Love deeply together.
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~ by omgrey on March 28, 2012.
Posted in Romance & Relationships
Tags: author, breakup, broken heart, evolution, fear, grief, healing, heartbreak, heartbroken, honesty, intimacy, love, LTR, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, polyamory, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex