Texting Fantasy
Sometimes it still feels so fresh. The pain has lessened, but the despair and sense of loss remains. Sometimes he feels so close, as if just one text could be the door to heal all wounds. Could be the door back to love. I’ve truly lost something so very significant.
I found this bit of writing yesterday. Something I wrote over two months ago, just two weeks after the split. The fantasy hasn’t changed much since then. Despite what I’ve been through, what I still go through every day, the love remains. Hope, however, fades just a little more with each passing day. The hope of an ounce of remorse from him. The hope of any sign that I meant anything to him. The hope that it was even ever real.
And still, I pick up my phone each day and hope for this text:
Hi sweetheart. I miss you.
Although I wouldn’t recognize the number, as it’s no longer attached to your name, the “sweetheart” would tell me it was you.
I’d reply immediately:
Hello, my love. I miss you, too.
I think of you everyday. I love you.
You’d text.
I’d reply:
Oh, sweetie! I love you, too. You’re never more than a thought away.
Suggestions? You’d say.
Wednesday. I’d say.
Just you & me. Someplace public, but quiet. Let’s just be. Smile & laugh. Talk about nothing much. Perhaps a walk, hand in hand. And a single kiss before we’d part. Then again the following week. Slowly getting reacquainted. Just enjoying the others company. Eyes. Lips. Touch. For the next three weeks…
Then take me back to your place. Dribble wine on my flesh. Feed me chocolate. Kiss me all over with those sweet, tiny kisses.
Then with all the love, desire, and passion built up over the past six weeks four three months, make love to me. Join me in that place of blissful ecstasy. Show me heaven again.
I miss you.
Caught in the Cogs 
Beautiful, warm and full of so much raw emotion….and these words have left me speechless…..Always will take my breath away no matter how many years pass….
I completely understand. Thank you for the validation of my words. It’s embarrassing to still love so deeply after all this time, after all his silence, after all his cruelty, after all I’ve realized, after all the agony. But still, I love.
Never be embarrassed of true feelings….it’s those that pretend with beautiful words, a soft touch and a smoldering look that should be embarrassed! But the point to be made about that is that it will never happen because it’s their nature to take….Someone once looked me in the eye and said “Don’t ever let me make you think that your feelings don’t count”…I should have listened!
Agreed. I was just thinking that this morning. Makes no sense. But it’s how I feel.
I feel deeply. Its part of who I am. I love deeply. I grieve deeply.
I’m not embarrassed of who I am. I embrace life. The joy. The love. And the pain.
Thank you for your continuing support. xo
I too, wait and wish that the next text will come from my rouge. I know that it will never happen. He has moved on, found his next victim. Forgotten that I exist at all. I on the other hand, remember every moment, every touch, like it was yesterday. In the four months since our final breakup, I have struggled and healed, but I can not seem to stop loving him.
I stumbled upon a set of role play texts from him yesterday. I did not read very far into them, not wanting to become sad. The feelings of remorse and wishing the relationship had not ended where there, but I did not cry this time.
I am healing, I recognize him for the predator he is. I shall not be taken unaware by a predator again.
I want you to know that your travail, your writings have helped me move on and heal my deeply wounded soul. My Rouge introduced me to “Steampunk”, which in turn led me to find you. I thank you for sharing a very deeply personal part of your life with us your audience.
I’m so glad you found this blog. There is always something we learn and/or gain through the pain or from the relationship, and hopefully you will consider my work something gained for quite some time.
I’m quite grateful to gain a new reader. 🙂
Yes. I wait. Some days it feels like I’m waiting, but most days it doesn’t. The next word I get from him will be like the last two times, when I least expect it. And it will not be loving, it will be more passive-aggressive bullshit, likely not even directed at me but through the community I’ve been pushed out of. Hopefully, I’ve gotten the word out to everyone that I don’t want to hear updates of him or who he may or may not be seeing.
I just don’t want to know.
If he wants to talk to me, he will have to contact me directly and with compassion rather than arrogance. His message or text or call will have to lead with kind words and have a tone of someone who cares, or I’ll just delete them like I did the others. Otherwise, I’m staying away.
this may sound curt and cruel, but you need to turn your back on this and cut him out cold turkey. You loved him and that was a good thing, but holding on is like being on a bad drug, it will slow you down and cause a lasting pain. I too had to deal with a would be lover who promised me the world. I was stupid and kept going back to her. I finally said NO to the whole thing when I got it thru my head that she would never commit and that I was just hurting myself by hanging on. Do I still think about her? Rarely, but always with affection, but I know I can never turn back to that path without hurting myself and those around me.
I suggest you erase those texts and go spend some time with those you love as well as yourself.
I wish you nothing but the best. Take care.
Clint
You misunderstand, Clint. I’m not holding on at all.
I’m starting to see someone new. I spend every day with people who love me, whether that be my husband, friends, or a new potential sweetheart.
There are no texts to erase. I deleted his phone number, email, and all correspondence, whether text or email, the day we split up three months ago. Although, gmail had different plans when I discovered that the emails I deleted still lurked in the “all mail” folder about six weeks ago, resulting in an auto-reply error. But that’s another story.
I disconnected from him on social networks the day we split up. Other than a handwritten letter two days after the split and the auto-reply technological error described above, I haven’t had any contact with him.
He’s emailed me directly twice, neither which I have read, as they were not of a compassionate tone, but rather an accusatory, callous one. My husband read the first one, but he got so angry reading the second, he didn’t get past the first paragraph before deleting it permanently. We still have no idea what that email said six weeks later.
I haven’t heard from him directly since. He’s playing some passive-aggressive games in my (now former) community. He certainly has done everything he could to push me out, and I’ve left. I only go where I’m safe. Friends know not to talk to me about him. They know the damage he’s caused.
Like I said, this bit of writing was composed over two months ago. It never actually happened, thus the fantasy. I do still love him. Always will. What we shared was extremely rare. Transcendent, as I’ve said before. The grief still comes. I still miss him. But I’m far from “holding on.”
I’m open to communication for closure and clarification. Always have been. I’m even open to reconciliation, but the sacrifices he would have to make for me and my husband to even begin to trust him again are things he would unlikely ever do. He’s proven to be far too selfish and arrogant.
If he wants to talk to me, he will have to find the courage to contact me directly via phone or text, and he will have to lead the conversation with compassion, not arrogance. Otherwise, I will delete it as I did the others.
And, let’s face it, the man is many things, courageous isn’t one of them. Loving, compassionate, and trustworthy aren’t either. I would welcome him back into my life and my heart, but he would have to be willing to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is these things as well as capable of truly investing in a relationship and taking responsibility for himself and his actions.
In my fantasy, that long road starts with a loving text.
I’m a hopeless romantic romance author. It’s my job to dream.
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