Isolation & Silence

Dear readers and friends,

I was so hoping to be back to recording the Polyamory Podcasts by now, but I’m still not ready to go there. I’m feeling so much better over all. Truly. I do still get triggered from time to time, as is expected with PTSD, but each time, although the intensity is frighteningly the same, the duration is considerably shorter. That’s also quite common with PTSD. As long as they get shorter, the healing is happening as it should.

As of late, I’ve been spending a lot of time on my own, and it’s peaceful. I get to take care of myself without worrying about caring for anyone else first, which is my default, so I’m going to continue the isolation and silence until the healing is complete. It’s part of stripping away external stressors as much as possible until I’m back to myself.

This summer is an exciting time. I’m teaching my first ever British Literature course, and I’m ever so excited about it. Preparing for class takes up most of my time, so there is little time for anything outside of self-care and dealing with the remnants of grief anyway.

Strangely, I find myself enjoying the time alone. Preferring it.

So, I’m going to leave the Polyamory Podcasts off until the end of the summer at least. Additionally, my weekly Wednesday posts will stop in a couple of weeks, since I have two already written and scheduled to appear this Wednesday and next. There might be a stray one here and there, but I’m removing the pressure to create weekly content for the time being, as it seems they’ve become no longer helpful to readers and no longer helpful to me. Last week’s comments had quite the triggering effect, and like I said, I’m removing external stressors.

On top of that, I’m at least three novels behind: two that I write with my husband under Christine Rose, the Rowan of the Wood series, and another O. M. Grey book with Doctor Q that was supposed to be complete this past Spring…not to mention an updated Publishing and Marketing Realities for the Emerging Author, the sequel for The Zombies of Mesmer, and fans have been calling for a sequel to Avalon Revisited as well. I’m hoping to at least get the fourth Rowan book completed by the end of the summer, as fans have been waiting nearly a year for it. Next will be the book with Doctor Q, as some generous Kickstarter supporters generously donated to be characters in that book.

The Avalon Revisited fiction podcasts will hopefully continue throughout the summer and onward, as will the Rowan of the Wood fiction podcasts on Christine’s site. The Steampunk Spotlights will continue to be sporadic, as I’m not actively searching for new content due to…well, you all know already.

With some luck and focus, I’ll be touring this fall either across the States or in the UK/Europe talking on Polyamory, Publishing, and Steampunk. Who knows what the future holds for dear Olivia. Perhaps Europe. Perhaps California. Perhaps a new life here in South Austin. Perhaps all of the above. I’m embracing the uncertainty of it all.

Until then, please look around. This blog is full of emotion: joy, pain, love, fear, bliss, and sorrow. There are countless articles on alternative lifestyles, relationship issues, and ways to recognize dangerous people in romantic relationships. For our hearts are precious and fragile. It would benefit us to protect our hearts and souls and support those we love to do the same.

I will no doubt be back to myself and then some by September. I’m so close now, and I appreciate your continued understanding, support, and patience.

Namaste.

~ by omgrey on June 10, 2012.

9 Responses to “Isolation & Silence”

  1. Some do not have the capacity to be honest. Nothing we do can change this. Sometimes I slip back and start analyzing other people again, but stop myself because of awareness. I have loved and lusted for 1000s. There is no good to come from dwelling in the dark. It might be glamourous, even financially profitable and popular, but I want and deserve g life of joy and happiness! Keep repeating that to yourself. When youre spinning your wheels, its a sign to move on to something else. A friend reminded me of that. I am so glad you embrace change. So much of my life was stopped by fear. The greatest waste! Fear put on by the abusers that surround. Stand up to the bully fear! I now do, as I once did. The creator wants us to live fully and happily. The rest is a waste of time. Love to you.

    • I do stand up to fear. No doubt. I face my fears, and they have not been few or easy. But it is better than the alternative, running away from them, hiding, striving for some 100% ideal happiness that doesn’t exist. Accept life for what it is. Joy, bliss, love, as well as the pain, fear, and misunderstandings.

      Love to you.

  2. […] The only place I feel safe is in my remote home overlooking a lake with my husband, my dog, and my cat. No people. Little contact, and then only with the barrier of texts and […]

  3. You wrote: “The only place I feel safe is in my remote home overlooking a lake with my husband, my dog, and my cat. No people. Little contact, and then only with the barrier of texts…”

    You mean “other people?” How is your husband? Supportive? Was he before or after the rape? I married a man who didn’t have sex with me because of being raped, used and abused. Took me 25 years to figure out that one (when it should have been right in front of my face). I would love to have romance back in my life, but have given up. I’m 63 years old.

    • I’m so sorry to hear your husband was such a misogynistic monster. I understand about giving up.

      I mean people in general. I have my husband and my therapist, who I see one a week. My best friend and I text all day. A few other friends & family I keep in touch with via FB or games, but no more than that, really.

      My husband is amazingly supportive. We’ve been together for 14 years. He doesn’t pressure me to have sex at all. He says when I’m ready. We’re polyamorous, so he can have sex or even a relationship with someone else if he wanted, but he doesn’t. It’s been over a year for both of us, and he still says when I’m ready, even if it’s never. Sex is a very small part of a complete, healthy relationship. We’re closer and stronger than ever.

      Peace to you.

      • “I’m so sorry to hear your husband was such a misogynistic monster.”

        No, my husband is a good guy who gives me lots of support. We just don’t have a romantic relationship and now I understand it is because I can’t bear to have anyone near me ever again (and stay in my body while “in the act”). My husband has been really good in that area and such a Godsend, really, even though I wish I could have a romantic relationship!

        But just knowing there are some good men out there helps a lot. He’s the same as your husband. Who knew? “We’re polyamorous, so he can have sex or even a relationship with someone else if he wanted, but he doesn’t.” Same here! I didn’t know there was a term for it!

        I spend lots of time on the computer emailing with my oldest and dearest friends, while working (at arms length) with all the wonderful men that are helping me to develop my rose garden and more. Isn’t the internet incredible? What would we do without it!

        And all things will come in time, “when we are ready.” Thank God for those good and patient people in this world. They make up for the devils and demons that thankfully do not outnumber the rest of us!

        “The garden is my church and everything in it…” and “the world is made by artists, and art makes life worth living!”

        http://morefavoritequotes.blogspot.com/2013/06/attitude-is-principle-thing-in-life.html

        Now it’s back to work for me! Thanks for responding.

      • My mistake. I thought you said your husband wouldn’t have sex with you because you had been raped. I’m so glad to have misunderstood, and he’s a wonderfully supportive partner.

        Yes. Dissociative sex, not being able to stay in your body. Same for me, last time I tired a year ago. I don’t want to have dissociative sex.

        I wrote a lot about polyamory before things got so bad. You can read some in the archives.

        I’ve created a garden, too. Creating beauty, revealing truth. That’s my purpose.

        May you find peace.

  4. Oh, I didn’t explain myself clearly. I wrote: ” I married a man who didn’t have sex with me because of being raped, used and abused.”

    I meant I couldn’t have sex because of what happened to me growing up, I could barely tolerate it, even though I wanted to, and my husband understood and accepted it. I just didn’t know what was wrong with me for 25 years!

    • Oh!! He supported you not treated you as “damaged goods.” Much better!!

      I’m glad you have a word for it now.

      I think I could more easily have sex with a stranger than my husband, and it’s because of the dissociation. People like you and me now equate sex with exploitation and violation, with violence, so making love as an expression of love doesn’t compute.

      Even though I could possible have sex with someone I didn’t care about, or at least someone with whom I wasn’t in love, it would still be dissociative. I dot want to have sex again until it’s a pure expression of love and/or desire…no more dissociative sex for me.

      And, yes, the Internet is wonderful. Without it we wouldn’t be able to speak in such a unifying voice & be heard, a part if a larger discussion. Without it, I’d have no community at all.

      xo

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