How to Fuck Up a Relationship

Another great post from the Heartless Bitches International website. Kudos, ladies.

How to Fuck Up a Relationship

(Poly or mono this applies to all)
By Elise MatthesenAlt.polyamory FAQ – the first supplement How to f*** up

The preceding list of answers to questions about polyamory is not a guide to how to have a working polyamorous relationship, although we have strong anecdotal evidence that the tools mentioned are useful in all sorts of relationships, mono and poly. We do, however, have the following guide of carefully tested methods for making mistakes in polyamorous relationships. With proper application and ingenuity, these methods may impair or destroy monogamous relationships as well; they’re truly multipurpose tools. We post this listing for your consideration; no liability expressed or implied.

1. Lie. This is basic and effective. To maximize bad results, lie about something important to the other person(s) and arrange to be caught in the lie in such a way as to produce maximum shock. Additional stress points awarded for keeping the lie going for a while before discovery, which increases the disorientation and sense of betrayal in the deceived person(s). Lying about sex gets double points. Lying about being married gets triple f***-up points. Creative lies of omission (i.e. “not telling”) with fancy rationalizations and condescension get gold stars.

2. Avoid self-knowledge. This is more elegant than strategy 1, as it combines a bold sweep of denial with sorties of distraction aimed at oneself. This tactic is most effective when combined with tactics 3 and 4. Self-destructive or addictive behaviour has also been found very effective in avoiding self-knowledge by our researchers. When combined with an endearing attitude of helplessness, this strategy has been proven efficacious in attracting “rescuers” or “white knights” on whom one can then practice strategies 4 and 3, in that order.

3. Blame the other person(s). If anything went wrong, hey, it must be their fault, right? This eliminates the need for messy things like communication and negotiation, which can be embarrassing, particularly if one is using strategy 2.

4. Disclaim responsibility. This is a little more complex than strategy 3, and often includes what is referred to as “codependency”. The classic way to play this strategy is to cater to the partner(s) involved while repressing one’s own desires and questions. This allows a good head of resentment to build up, and one can justify anger by saying one has done so *much* for one’s partner(s) and gets no thanks, etc. In its most refined state, this strategy makes the other person(s) responsible for setting the direction, pace and content of the relationship, for which one can them blame them if one’s own expectations or needs are not met. Using strategy 2 to avoid knowledge of these expectations and needs gets double points.

5. Push. This is an art, albeit a crude one. When augmented with strategy 6, pushing can achieve spectacular negative results in even a short time. Remember, when pushing, only *your* satisfaction counts! It’s a dog eat dog world, and you’re a pit bull. Emotional and mental bullying can be as satisfying as old-fashioned physical coercion, and not nearly as easily prosecutable.

6. Play on insecurity. This is an old favorite. Using sexual insecurity as a weapon and combining this with strategy 5 is a four-star winner. Attempting to control one’s partner(s) by manipulating them through their insecurities is a sure-fire f***-up tactic. It’s so much more delicate than simply beating them up, too, though the resultant emotional damage can be remarkably similar.

7. Avoid intimacy. This may seem paradoxical; after all, we’re talking about getting up-close and personal with as many hot bi babes — er, ahem — we’re discussing achieving satisfyingly close relationships with a number of people, right? The trick of avoiding intimacy can be performed in several ways, but the easiest is to confuse intimacy with “rubbing slippery bits together”. Substitute the words “sex” and “love” for each other often in conversations. Repeat the mantra, “If you loved me, you’d know what I want.” Practice strategy 8 assiduously, supplementing it with strategy 2. According to the needs of the moment, figure out whether action or words are more likely to be ambiguous or misconstrued, and go with what gives you the most plausible deniability later. Some exceptionally talented individuals manage to give the impression of being intimate while successfully remaining stone-cold. Study sales techniques for pointers. People with good “lines” fall into this category, especially if the lines include explanations of how they truly *value* the other person.

8. Don’t talk. Talking has been known to lead to communication if practiced carelessly. Communication will seriously impair your f***-up progress, and in certain cases will halt or reverse it entirely. If you *must* talk, use cliches and quotations from popular songs as much as possible, or fall back on strategy number 1.

If all else fails, make a safer-sex agreement with your partner(s) and then break it, contracting a communicable disease about which you do not then tell them. Double points for avoiding all discussion or negotiation of sexual matters entirely so that the “agreement” is wishful thinking and completely deniable. For a coup de grace, add strategy 6 and tell them it wouldn’t have happened if they had been satisfying you like they were supposed to.

9. For the ultimate metaf***-up, remain technically faithful to your partner while breaking the spirit of whatever agreement you have whenever possible, keeping this knowledge bottled up to ensure maximum fear, shame and resentment. Some people win the grand prize with the figleaf-and-stinging-nettle cluster for self-inflicted suffering and wasted potential by managing to keep this strategy up until death do them part, concealing from their spouse the fact that they have been shamming happiness all these years.

******************************************************************** Whew! Yuck! You know, writing those sure took me down memory lane. What I hoped to do with this little icky essay was illustrate the flip side of some of the tools in the toolbox for healthy poly (and other) relationships. These “bad tools” are humorous (pretty bent humor, too), but the good tools are serious.



On a personal note, friends. Today marks four months of freedom from a man who brilliantly hit all nine of these ways to fuck up our relationship, and then some. At least it’s not me he’s fucking (up or with) anymore. My sympathies to whomever he is. She’s in for a traumatic world of pain when she sees the cavernous black hole behind that beautiful, convincing mask.


For loads of articles on how to recognize abusers and manipulators, visit the Heartless Bitches International website.

~ by omgrey on June 20, 2012.

8 Responses to “How to Fuck Up a Relationship”

  1. Olivia, like so many of your blog posts, I wish I had seen this years ago. It would have helped me see what was going on in my marriage for years. At least I have read it now, so that I can carry this knowledge with me into the future and hopefully see the warning signs and have more successful and fulfilling relationships. Thank you so much for all that you do!

    • Thank you for your comment, Carlos. It’s nice to receive supportive comments like this, and it really helps me keep going. I wish I had seen this years ago, too…this and so many of the things I write about. Certainly the past year has made me less trusting and more self-protective. Intensely so. No more benefit of the doubt for anyone until they earn it, and I will continue to work to earn a potential partner’s trust. But for now, I’m celibate. No more for awhile. Not until I heal completely.

      This heartbreak stuff is serious business.

      Wishing us both more successful relationships in the future. Healthier, more loving, reciprocal and respectful relationship. Here’s to self-knowledge and self-protection. Cheers!

  2. Good for you, Om Grey! I did know most of this many years ago because I read every psychology book I could find beginning at age 12 to figure out the crazy behavior surrounding me, and was willing to share it to those who were open to hearing it. Knowing doesnt always prevent, because our emotions override logic when it comes to romantic or deep love. Unfortunately people generally arent open to your opinion and warnings . The phrase love is blind is very true. Also, they tend to take offense to those who question their choices, choice of partner, parenting style etc. I dont want to hear and see their misery decades later, as often has occurred ;but telling them years earlier makes them angry then, and thankless for your insight later. Maybe we can change this.

  3. Elise would be pleased to know her very insightful words are still just as relevant now as the day she wrote them. The alt.poly FAQ has been around for many years (witness the “alt.poly” terminology — it was a USENET mailing list before it was a website), but I doubt it has reached even a fraction of the people who really need to see it. So kudos for spreading the word, and I hope you’ll get the opportunity to meet Elise some day, at least online if not in person (I believe she’s still up in Minneapolis or thereabouts). Midwestern fandom has a fair population of polyfolk, most of them quite fine people you would enjoy. And they would surely enjoy you as well!

    • I hope so, too! I’m actually considering touring the country and talking to poly groups in several cities about honesty, communication, and integrity in relationships. About facing fears and being present with your partner while they face theirs. Perhaps we’ve use made a great connection! Email me about your local poly group and any interest in that. Steampunkgrey@gmail

  4. […] How to Fuck Up a Relationship […]

  5. […] and behave lovingly to your significant other; “wrong” to mean ways to certainly fuck up a relationship, to be disrespectful, abusive, and […]

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