My Heart Still Wants to Believe

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And I still haven’t, as much as I try to convince myself I have.
Such is the heart of a hopeless romantic with a deep belief in the goodness of people.

Näive. I know.

So, a poem…

-_Q

Though it was several months ago
My heart still wants to believe
That a love like our love
Is the kind of a love
One never has to grieve.

But grieve I have for four long months,
And there seems no end in sight.
Although I try, I can’t forget:
He discarded me that night.

I cried and cried as he moved inside,
Not stopping nor comforting me,
He turned over to sleep.
I continued to weep.
In horror, I had to flee.

He was not my love.
Not anymore.
Something had changed in him.
He pushed me away.
Lost his soul in a day.
Began to condescend.

Then came the cruelty.
Then he withdrew.
Then he hid from me.
He said that he knew
There was someone far better
Someone far better
Someone far better than me.
He all but said, “We’re through.”

There was a time he seemed so kind.
Entwined we were at our core,
And we loved with a love
That was more than the love
Either had known before.

We laughed and we danced,
Put ourselves in a trance
With ecstatic energy.
Got trapped in a mall,
Midnight hike to the falls,
Kissing beneath a tree.

That elusive hair gel,
And me under your spell
At CVS Pharmacy.
Your body at dawn,
Arms keeping me warm.
My heart still wants to believe.

Presence and peace,
Shelling those peas,
The times we shared: Pure Joy!
Meditate in the morn.
Watching some porn.
You lucky, lucky boy.

That sweet body buzz.
A shower with suds.
Texting me, “Are you here yet?”
Dripping wine on my skin.
Quiver. Pleading, come in.
Basking together in bed.

Auctions and friends.
That perfect weekend.
Coffee in the jacuzzi.
Pizza and wine.
A kiss and then dine.
His love made me quite woozy.

I still feel that love,
That joy and that bliss,
Like it was yesterday.
But then I recall
That he never called.
He took it all away.

Not one single call,
Not one single text
In these four long months apart.
And still I do cry
Everyday that goes by
Alone and in the dark.

Because just one day
His mask fell away,
And showed the monster inside.
It came out to play.
My heart it did slay.
That day my soul did die.

The transcendence, it turned
Into something that burned.
In anger, he ravished me.
Devalue, discard.
Became ever so hard.
The demon had set itself free.

So now when I run or hike or bike
I remember the summer we planned:

Living and laughing
In such joy and bliss,
A dip in the pool,
A kiss
That we were supposed to share.
But he went away,
And I long for the day
He lovingly gazed at me,
Not this monster that doesn’t care.

Every tree sings a song
Telling how it went wrong.
I catch my breath and I sigh.
Every step on the trail
I cry out and I wail,
“He should be by my side.”

It hurts to remember
His eyes were so tender
When he said that he adored me.
I lost something profound
Was forced down to the ground.
I hope that you all can see
That I try hard to let go,
Accept he said no,
My soul deserves to be free.

Yet still I wait
Yet still I pray
My heart still wants to believe
That the monster’s the mask
Who threw me in the trash;
It that had chosen to leave.

Oh please let it be.
Please, please convince me!
That the hard can turn soft
That damned mask can come off
That love is still beneath.

Give the demon its leave.
Let my lover be free
Of the fears that confine him,
Keep the monster inside him,
And bring my love back to me.

My heart just still wants to believe.

For we loved with a love
That was more than just love
We loved with a love
Transcendent.
A love like our love
Is that kind of a love
And I will forever defend it.

-_Q

This poem was inspired by the brilliant “Annabel Lee” by Edgar Allen Poe. It even contains an homage to that glorious work by parroting it, almost verbatim (“But we loved with a love that was more than love-“), echoed again in my favorite stanza, copied below. That stanza haunts my thoughts through this difficult time.

“My Heart Still Wants to Believe” was written to structurally have the same feel as “Annabel Lee,” with the internal rhyme and repetition, as well as a similar theme: grieving the untimely loss of a very unique love. I hope you enjoyed it. I am quite proud of it.

But our love it was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we-
Of many far wiser than we-
And neither the angels in heaven above,
Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee.

-_Q

Added 01/27/13 — a video reading of this poem, recorded for the 3,000 Weeks celebration.

~ by omgrey on June 22, 2012.

16 Responses to “My Heart Still Wants to Believe”

  1. I used to shout and scream in the woods. It might be cathartic. Oh I know what u mean about the trees whispering memories. I remember those torturous times. I promise you- this too shall pass. My grandma’s quote. And when I thought it never would, the sorrow did pass.

    • I don’t really scream in the woods. Not anymore, anyway. But the memories of how we planned to do it together still scream inside my head. It will pass, no doubt.

      “This too shall pass” is an ancient proverb, repeated in many traditions, and a very wise one. Thank you for your words.

      • I have said the quote “this too shall pass” many times to get myself through situations. You will grow stronger from this experience. One day you will be able to look back and see the good that came from experiencing such a thing as love and heartbreak. I have never experienced heartbreak from a romantic relationship, but I imagine that love you feel is a very beautiful thing and the sadness can feel devastating. Beautiful, touching poem!! Thank you for sharing!

      • This too shall indeed pass. I have already grown stronger from this experience. No one will ever be able to treat me like that again. Him nor anyone else. I’ve taken self-protection to a new level.

        The love I still feel for him is beautiful. And yes, the heartbreak has been quite devastating.

        I’m so pleased you enjoyed the poem.

  2. […] accepted for publication, and I’ve started getting more works out again. I’m submitting poetry & short stories to various markets as well as writing new ones. I’m running and singing […]

  3. […] I trusted him. And it’s taken me five-plus months to accept that he’s a monster because my heart still wants to believe otherwise. I don’t want to be a rape survivor. This is not fun for me. I don’t want to […]

  4. […] But I don’t blame you for believing. I really don’t. He’s *very* convincing and skilled at what he does. […]

  5. […] My Heart Still Wants to Believe (poem) […]

  6. […] I really don’t blame you for believing him. I still want to believe him. More than anything in the world. I would give everything I have, save my husband, for it to be all […]

  7. […] inspiration in rhyme and alliteration and repetition. The poem I’m most proud of is called “My Heart Still Wants to Believe,” and it was inspired by and patterned after Poe’s “Annabel Lee.” It chronicles the […]

  8. O-

    This poem hits deep inside me…for many, many, many reasons…I can realate.

    We need to talk about things…even though you are now farther away from me than Paris is to Belgium, you are still closer than ever before.

    ***No hidden meaning here…just physical facts.🙂 ***

    http://corkyschweizerpoems.blogspot.com/

    -Cork

    • I can’t wait to grab a coffee and catch up. Really, really soon, I hope!

      I’m so pleased my poem touched you. I have never known such pain or betrayal or confusion or violation as I did with that monster.

  9. O-

    Once again, by example, you have shown me the way and motivated me with new links to get my work online…I have signed up for WordPress. I have used SCRIBD for many years…and have a BLOG as well…but I will soo mave a site here.

    Thank you again for these many years of inspiration.

    http://corkyschweizerpoems.blogspot.com/

    -Cork

    • Excellent, Cork! xo

      Blogging is a great way to express oneself and connect with similar hearts and souls. I’ll give you some blogging tips when we meet.

      It has been my pleasure, my dear.

      Peace.

  10. […] Dissonance is indeed a bitch. I’m still struggling with it. My poem “My Heart Still Wants to Believe” is all about Cognitive Dissonance. How can “lover” and “rapist” […]

  11. […] as well, throughout my recovery in 2012 and in the poems “Look Into My Eyes” and “My Heart Still Wants to Believe,” among […]

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