Love Bombing, Sex, and Flattery

20120720-132345.jpgDidn’t get the polyamory podcast recorded this week, but I hope to have a new one next week.

In the mean time, please read this informative article and learn those signs early.

Ironically, it was originally posted the day before I had my fist date with the auctioneer.

Here’s an excerpt:

Psychopaths commonly engage in love bombing as their hook, to sink their claws into their victims. The flattery, declarations of love and romantic encounters bond and attract the victims to them. This process is not reciprocal. Since psychopaths attach to others without emotionally bonding to them, they only bond the target, not the predator.

Such techniques pump up the victim’s confidence and get her addicted to the supply: of flattery, of romantic words and gestures, or constant displays of “affection” and love making. But only one person–the victim–is actually making love. The other one–the predator–is conquering her, getting her to depend upon his presence and approval, so that he can later tear her apart. That is a psychopath’s main goal: to exercise control over his targets and ultimately harm them. The psychopathic bond is, as Sandra Brown aptly puts it, “a relationship of inevitable harm.”

When victims are still in the honeymoon phase of the psychopathic bond they rarely believe that the person who appears to woo and romance them so much, the one who claims to adore them, intends to use, control and ultimately destroy them. But as the relationship with a psychopath unfolds, this underlying goal becomes more obvious. He starts to get you to focus on your weaknesses. He starts to tell you the criticisms leveled against you by other people (supposedly) so that you focus on those issues. Initially the criticisms don’t come from him (supposedly). They come from your colleague or your friends or his family members. Then, slowly, they start coming from him. Maybe you should exercise more. Or lose some weight. Or you don’t wear the right kind of makeup. Or professionally you’re not successful enough. Or you’re no longer as sexually exciting to him. Bit by bit, criticism by criticism, the psychopath undermines your self-worth. This process may happen in a few months or may be painfully slow and gradual, a matter of years. Either way, it’s highly effective. You are already used to his flattery and validation. What are you doing wrong that you’re no longer getting them? Your sense of who you are and self-confidence begin to slip. You do what you can to regain his approval, or perhaps even his idolatry. His “love.”

And, it’s devastating.

From near the beginning he got me to stop wearing makeup and change my hairstyle through flattery. All the way through changing intimate grooming choices, not through flattery but through criticisms…subtle manipulation and control.

And that was just the beginning. Shortly thereafter he honed in on my insecurities and blamed me for everything, all disguised as loving compassion. Insidious.

And I didn’t see a thing. Until it was far too late. Until after I had been psychologically raped, sexually assaulted, devalued, and discarded.

I must’ve been a tasty treat for him, to break down an accomplished author and speaker, to destroy my confidence and self-esteem as I was almost healed from the last slight. To break down my newly-formed defenses. What a challenge it must’ve been at first to get me to trust him, and how very rewarding it must’ve been to watch me fall in love, trusting and vulnerable, open and honest, knowing what was to come.

How difficult it must’ve been for him to keep a straight face as he told me he loved me, adored me. How much happier he felt when I was around. How crazy he was about me, how attached.

Yep. Must’ve been yummy indeed.

Fucking monster.

~ by omgrey on July 20, 2012.

3 Responses to “Love Bombing, Sex, and Flattery”

  1. […] Love Bombing, Sex, & Flattery […]

  2. […] Love Bombing, Sex, and Flattery […]

  3. […] stayed away for so long and how much he regrets it, and she finds she still loves him, and he her (Sociopathic Love Bombing). Next thing the audience sees is Maleficent passed out on her stomach, for Stefan had spiked her […]

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