Then He Wins
Earlier today, I saw this meme making its way around Facebook, and I reposted it to my O. M. Grey page with the words “Never again, I’m afraid.”
Two people comment after the first 30 minutes. Both comments pissed me off. The second was from some guy I don’t recognized telling me that I can’t “block out the entire world because one guy turned out to be a jerk.”
Um. Understate much?
Number one, don’t tell me what I can and can’t do with my life, especially if you’re a man. That will earn you an immediate block. Number two, don’t comment on sensitive topics if you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. This man quite obviously knows little to nothing about me or what I’ve endured. Saying “one guy” proves that alone.
Enough time wasted on him. He’s been blocked.
The first response was much more painful and severely triggering because it came from a fellow survivor. She said this: “Then he wins.”
Little makes me more angry than suggesting my rapist(s) win because of a choice *I* made to care for and protect myself. This isn’t a game or a race or anything of the sort.
This is my life. My heart. My soul.
If you can’t respect the decisions I make for myself, because no one has to live in my skin with my experiences but me, then fuck off. You are one more person that doesn’t deserve to be in my life, and you certainly don’t deserve access to my heart and soul.
Rapists “win” when people stay silent.
Rapists “win” when accepted into communities that know they’ve been accused of rape.
Rapists “win” when people renew their Social License to Operate by excusing their behavior, blaming their victims, and spouting inane platitudes such as this.
Rapists “win” the moment people start repeating The Great Derailers.
Rapists “win” with every rape joke.
Rapists “win” when they get more community support than their victims.
One of the many reasons this particular platitude infuriates me is because it’s a reminder that, as a woman and a survivor, I simply cannot “win” no matter what I do.
- If I try to explain why I came to this decision, I’m accused of “playing the victim” or I hear “Okay! Okay! You’re a victim. I get it!”
- If I “get back on that horse” and try to love and trust again (like I did after rapist 1, 2, and 3**) and I’m sexually assaulted or raped again, I get victim blamed. “Didn’t you learn from the last time?” — “When will you learn?” — “Again? Are you sure it’s rape?” — “That’s a very serious accusation! Do you have any proof?”
- Or, let’s take it out of the realm of sexuality and romance, if I open my heart and soul to “friends,” I hear, “You’re always so fragile” — “You need to toughen up.” — “Isn’t it time you take responsibility for your part in this? I mean, you are the common denominator here.”
- If I pay a therapist to support me in my healing I get,
- “You’re only upset about being raped because you think rape is a bad thing. The problem is with your ego. Have some compassion! (for your rapist)” (I reported her to the State Board)
- The therapist offers me sanctuary in their place of business/community only to change his mind and welcome my rapist into his office/home.
- The most recent and most damaging, the therapist builds a long-term, intimate therapeutic relationship with me and encourages me to open up and trust him, and when I finally open up all the way and show him the depths of my heart and soul, he emotionally abandons me, makes excuses for all the men who have done that in the past, and makes 180-degree shift in personality, reinforcing the pattern of The Rapist (3). Then disappears without any word or effort to repair the broken trust, reinforcing the patterns of all and more. (Yes, I reported him to the State Board for that and for violating professional confidence.)
- If I take the hint, after being ostracized by four different communities and deceived/judged/betrayed by every. single. person. I trusted, and decide to just protect myself and remain isolated until (if ever) I can deal with being a part of society again without being (so obviously) vulnerable, I’m accused of “giving up,” “being too cynical,” “jaded,” or “*letting* him win.”
Yes, I’m angry. If you can’t deal with my anger, then NEWS FLASH — you don’t have to read my updates. You don’t have to read my blog…and you really, really don’t have to fucking comment.
Great that you’re oh-so-positive-and-spiritual (just like R3, btw, and 2 of the communities who embraced him, not to mention the “HAVE SOME COMPASSION” therapist) and you “forgive” your rapists and live in a world of rainbows and bunnies and love. I’m not there, and your judgments won’t help me get there any faster.
In fact, they’re keeping me away and reinforcing my decision to remain isolated.
As a survivor, one would think you would know this, but, as I’ve said before, I can’t even pretend to be surprised anymore.
**for the purposes of my writings in this blog, Rapist 1 is The Writer, Rapist 2 is The Musician, and Rapist 3 is The Rapist, aka Austin Poly Rapist. There have been many other sexual assaults, severe sexual abuse or harassment, and rapes over the past thirty years, as I’ve mentioned before, about 1/3 of my lovers and some who weren’t lovers. I mainly talk about these three as they were the ones that were so traumatizing over the past four years and sent me into a tailspin from which I’ve only recently recovered. But there was a digital rape after The Rapist (3) that I don’t often talk about because I wasn’t further traumatized by it. The guy owned it, more or less, apologized for it, and made amends. The only thing I’ve ever asked of Rapist 1, 2, or 3. The assaults before 1,2,&3, as well as ones during, I don’t talk about because it really borders on the absurd the sheer number of times, especially because it wasn’t until months after Rapist 3 (and the subsequent digital rape) that I realized they were rape. Boiling Frog phenomenon. I’ll write about that in another post. This and this, though, are great reads on the subject.
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~ by omgrey on January 31, 2014.
Posted in Trauma & Recovery
Tags: austin poly community, austin poly rapist, author, broken heart, fear, grief, healing, heartbroken, honesty, intimacy, love, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, polyamory, rape, rape survivor, relationships, romance, sex, sexual assault, shattered