Old Patterns, New Perspectives
After an emotionally draining week, the details of which I won’t go into here, things are looking up! A few days off gave me some great perspective, and I’m seeing clearly now. I’m riding my own white horse.
Despite the amount of work we do on ourselves to break free of old patterns and socialization, we still fall into those deeply carved grooves, and it takes some doing to crawl back out of them.
Well, I’ve crawled out and feel the sweet rain on my face.
Although it wasn’t fun to go through it, looking back I see how I resorted to my patterns and socialization during the unbelievable stress of last week. I started to fawn, big time. I totally minimized myself in the hopes that it would just stop. I took responsibility for shit that wasn’t my fault. Yes, really interesting looking back over last week.
I was in crisis and I didn’t even know it, which in turn led to the aforementioned survival mode/regressing into old patterns, those deep gouges in our psyche. Thankfully, that’s now in the past. Looking ahead, taking the next step forward.
A friend recently told me that I don’t see all the incredible things I do, and last week I was too quick to believe that I (and my work) wasn’t worth what I know I am (again). Today I see just how much I have done both professionally and elsewhere in my life.
I’m a remarkable person. I have survived horrors, and I’m thriving in spite of them. I support myself, and even if I lose my beloved job, I will be just fine. I have marketable skills and a strong work ethic. I’ve created art in the form of film, literature, poetry, and paintings, all of which I’ve been brave enough to share with the world. I’m living my lifelong dream, which takes a considerable amount of courage, turns out. . . and I’m doing it all on my own. Although I get lonely, I’m doing quite well on my own, and I’m usually quite content to be on my own, too. This past weekend I went hiking in the Lake District in the glorious rain. I was totally blissed out! I had been working so hard and was so close to burn-out that I had forgotten to live, but I’m living again now. There’s no place I’d rather be than here in England right now. What a magical place this is.
I’m practicing my cello every day, which brings me a special kind of joy. My teacher says I have natural talent, and I think she’s right. I’m also doing quite well in my riding lessons and in my personal training sessions. Plus, I’ve got the entire northern part of England to explore over the next three months.
(But wait! There’s more!) I’ve gained not only new insight into myself but also into a very important relationship. I’ve deepened two other relationships and have formed a new one, too. Look at me rebuilding my life! It’s getting dangerously close to being full and fulfilling all at once! Imagine that! I’m learning to express love in a different way, one that can be very beneficial to me in many areas of my life, especially because I have so very much love to offer.
May you all find peace and feel safe.