Old Patterns, New Perspectives

•March 27, 2016 • 2 Comments

After an emotionally draining week, the details of which I won’t go into here, things are looking up! A few days off gave me some great perspective, and I’m seeing clearly now. I’m riding my own white horse.

Despite the amount of work we do on ourselves to break free of old patterns and socialization, we still fall into those deeply carved grooves, and it takes some doing to crawl back out of them.

Well, I’ve crawled out and feel the sweet rain on my face.  Continue reading ‘Old Patterns, New Perspectives’


Poem: I Forgot to Live

•March 25, 2016 • 2 Comments

I wrote this poem in Wordsworth’s Garden only a day after going to the hospital due to stress at work and loss of a support structure. Being out in the Lake District reminded me how much I had missed while working so much, which this week felt all for naught.

img_5552 Continue reading ‘Poem: I Forgot to Live’

My New Life

•March 21, 2016 • 2 Comments

This will be uncharacteristically short.

Even though the past two months were much better than they’ve been over the past four years for reasons I’ve discussed and explored here, they were still very emotional for reasons I also discussed and explored here. Because of the time of year and all the exciting and wondrous and painful changes, many of my recent posts have been processing emotional pain and unrequited love and past traumas.

But not this one. Continue reading ‘My New Life’

Two Steps Forward…

•March 20, 2016 • 1 Comment


You know what comes next.

Any progress or learning truly takes on this pattern. We take two steps forward and just when we’re feeling so great about our progress we find ourselves taking one step back. Perhaps something unexpected happens, thus we take a step back to catch ourselves from falling. That’s normal, expected.

Still, so many of us beat ourselves up for taking that step back. Self included. Although, I’m recognizing it faster and faster each time, and I’m showing myself the compassion I so generously offer everyone else.

The other night I had one too many glasses of wine and was feeling really down on myself. I don’t drink often or much, but it had been two very long, demanding, 12-hr work days, and I wanted some wine. Sadly, the night ended in tears. A lot of tears. I beat myself up pretty hard that night, but I caught myself in the middle of it and changed that self-cruelty to self-soothing compassion.   Continue reading ‘Two Steps Forward…’

Never Say Never

•March 16, 2016 • Leave a Comment


Two years ago I posted this image on my OMGrey Facebook with the words “Never Again.” Someone commented “then he wins,” and it really pissed me off. It angered me so much that I wrote a blog post about it. Yesterday, I reread that blog post entitled “Then He Wins,” and I still agree with most of it, even though I was in a place of anger at that time. That’s a damaging thing to say to a survivor. Most of my rant holds true, except…

I’m no longer in the “Never Again” space. Continue reading ‘Never Say Never’

Who I Used to Be…

•March 12, 2016 • Leave a Comment

While waiting to catch my train to Lancaster today, I was chatting with a friend on WhatsApp. She told me how her teenage daughter is in a filmmaking class. It got me talking about my filmmaking days and how the documentaries can still be seen on YouTube. How I interviewed two of the greatest political minds of our time: Howard Zinn and Noam Chomsky. How my first film theatrically premiered in St. Michel, Paris. How The International Herald Tribune, among others, interviewed me and how I had a photo shoot in Paris for the press. She was very impressed and wanted to see the articles, so I tried to find links for her.

I found my old list of links in my server archives, but after 12-13 years, most of those links are no longer any good. Still, it reminded me of how much work I did back then. How those films earned me a listing on IMDB. How I traveled the country leading up to the 2004 election and visited over 40 cities on my tour. How Peace & Justice centers would welcome me and people would line up to hear me speak. How a group in New Hampshire held a parade in my honor. How my film was at the Gothenburg Film Festival in 2005. How the Oscar-winning writer/director Alexander Payne came to see my film. How we talked afterward. How all these things seemed so promising at the time. Continue reading ‘Who I Used to Be…’

A Reflection on The Master Builder

•March 10, 2016 • 2 Comments

Last night I finally realized my dream of seeing Ralph Fiennes on the London stage. His inspiring work has touched me for the past twenty years from “Schindler’s List” and “The Constant Gardener” to “Maid in Manhattan” to his brilliant depiction of Voldemort. I felt truly blessed to see him perform live.

His performance, of course, was phenomenal. I expected nothing less from Fiennes, and I wasn’t disappointed.

Before last night, I wasn’t familiar with the play “The Master Builder.” Henrik Ibsen wrote it in 1892 when he was in his 60s. It is a somber and darkly humorous piece whose characters, on their surface, could almost be clichés.

The emotionally rigid, passionless wife. The nubile temptress. The “misunderstood” husband looking to recapture lost glory between the thighs of said temptress while grappling with a middle-age crisis and emotional cowardice. Continue reading ‘A Reflection on The Master Builder’