Transference & Trust

somatic_therapy_touching_traumaI’m falling in love with my therapist.

At least that’s what it feels like sometimes. Fortunately, the intense, romantic feelings are fleeting and sporadic. Sometimes, though, I’m distracted during a session by his smile or the way his lips move, wondering what they’d feel like against mine. When he gets up to check his phone, I find myself averting my eyes so as not to admire his form. Fortunately, those feelings are fleeting, too. I’m still unsure about sexuality and romance at this point in recovery, even if he wasn’t my therapist and monogamously married.

Romantic or sexual feelings towards one’s therapist are known as transference and erotic transference, respectively, and it’s quite common, especially for rape and incest survivors. Even feeling platonic love for one’s therapist, likening them to a parent, is a type of transference.

Mostly, I just feel gratitude and affection towards him. The little I know about him, for I pay him to talk about me, makes me want to know more. He’s a vegetarian and into alternative medicine, like me. He’s an environmentalist and into progressive politics, like me. He leans toward Eastern spiritual traditions, like me. (I get all these things from his bumper stickers, btw. :D) He seems like an amazing person, and I’d like to spend more time with him and his wife. Coffee. Games. Hikes. Whatever. Just to have a friend. To be with people I trust. To start to rebuild community.

I intellectually recognize that these romantic and sexual and even friendly feelings are directed towards him because he’s safe. Because he’s the only other person on the face of the planet other than my husband and my best friend that I trust. He summed it up in one session: “It’s natural to want to be close to someone who feels safe.”

I’m stuck between the place of a natural tendency to make myself the most attractive possible for a potential partner, while being genuinely myself, and intellectually recognizing it’s transference. I used to talk with him about things without a second thought, like intimate details of my sexuality or past experiences, anxieties and such. Now I’m hyper-aware of everything I say because of my attraction. There is a disconnect between what I feel and what I intellectually know to be true.

It’s extremely important to talk to your therapist about transference, if you’re having those feelings. They are trained to deal with it professionally because it is such a common occurrence. It’s part of the therapeutic experience, especially in recovery from sexual assault and intimate partner violence. Talking about your feelings of transference is paramount to your healing, as they are likely demonstrating patterns and underlying issues that should be addressed in therapy.

If your therapist crosses that boundary and alters your interactions to include romance or sexuality, you must get away quickly. If they cross that line, they are not only betraying you and your trust, they are also betraying the ethical code of their profession and very likely their spouse/partner. No matter how much you think (and they will tell you) it’s because of how special or sexy or awesome or how deep and unique your connection is that caused them to breach that boundary, the reality is this: they are an unethical person with little-to-no integrity who would betray their profession’s ethical code, their client’s trust, and possibly their spouse. That is not someone you can trust, nor are they conducive to your healing.

The rules and guidelines behind “dual relationships” with psychologists, counselors, therapists, or psychiatrists are strict for a very good reason. Dual relationships are damaging to the client—any dual relationship, not just those in the realm of romance and sexuality. Friendships. Hiking partners. Poker buddy. RPG team. Plumber. Home improvement contractor. Yoga instructor. Any of these and more constitute a “dual relationship,” and they aren’t conducive to your healing or recovery. They are, at worst, severely damaging, for there cannot be a balanced relationship between you. You share intimate details of your heart, mind, and soul with your therapist, putting you in an extremely vulnerable position, where you know next to nothing about them in comparison.

One there therapeutic relationship ends, the accepted time period before establishing any social or professional relationship with your former therapist is two years. Some professionals say no other relationship for life.

You are in therapy for your healing, to get your needs met. They are not there to get their needs met. It’s not a two-way street, as my therapist says. You pay them to make it a one way street. They go to therapy to work out their issues. They have other relationships to meet their needs. This therapeutic relationship is about you and your healing, period.

If you therapist breaches that trust, that speaks to them not only as a professional but also as a person. As much as I, at times, want him to cross that boundary and kiss me or hug me or even just grab a cup of coffee together and let him talk about himself for a change, I know if he did that then he wouldn’t be the man I feel this affection for. It’s a very frustrating place to be.

For now, it’s wonderful to see him once a week for an hour or two. I have an intelligent, skilled, compassionate, understanding, accepting, handsome man who I pay to focus completely on me for our time together. That alone is healing. I feel seen. I feel heard. I feel cared for and respected. I feel accepted and validated. I feel love and desire, on and off, and it’s nice to know I still can.

I’m healing because of his empathy and skill, because of his compassion and presence…and because of the boundaries that are there to keep me safe. To keep everyone safe.

When I first admitted to having these feelings of transference, he handled it with perfect professionalism. Without hurting my feelings or mocking me or compounding the shame I already felt around it, he said that he would not cross that line. He said if he did cross that line because it would be severely damaging to me.

He didn’t say wanted to or didn’t want to.
He didn’t say he was attracted to me or not.
He didn’t say anything except: “If I did this, it would be extremely damaging to you.”

I broke down and cried.

He’s right. It would be. He would become yet another man who betrayed my trust, who got me to feel safe and loved, then exploited that situation for his own needs. For he would not only be violating his professional ethics, he would be deceiving his wife. That is not the man I am drawn to. Everything would crumble.

He also said that it was perfectly natural, especially in my healing, to want to be close to someone with whom I felt safe and who I could trust. As the only person on the planet, save my husband and my best friend, who I trust and feel safe with, it’s a pretty small circle right now, as he put it.

It’s perfectly natural.

He knows that. He also knows the power that gives him, and it speaks to his integrity that he chooses not to exploit that power. He said he knows he’s sitting there with a loaded gun, as a man in a position of power with a vulnerable woman before him. He could take advantage of my transference feelings, take advantage of my trust and vulnerability, take advantage of the entire situation, but he chooses not to use that power. That’s the difference between a man with integrity, like my therapist and my husband, and a man like The Rapist and predators like him, when he knows he holds that power and he uses it for his own momentary pleasure and his own selfish needs, exploiting the vulnerability and emotional distress of his prey.

There is also something called counter-transference, where the therapist develops feelings for the client. That is also natural. My therapist has not indicated whether or not he is experiencing counter-transference, and I don’t expect he will. As he has reminded me time and again, this therapeutic relationship is about my needs getting met, not his. If he is and if he says so in therapy, we would then discuss that professionally with those boundaries firmly in place. As in any relationship, I always encourage complete transparency. In this case, however, I trust that he wouldn’t even say as much, even if it were true, unless it would be beneficial to helping me heal.

Last year I had a therapist, the first of many I had after the rapes, humiliation, and discardment. He practices humanist psychology and is polyamorous. He was kind and compassionate. He was very loving. He helped me take the blinders off and see the underlying abuse and mind-fuck by The Rapist long before I accepted what happened as rape. My relationship with this first therapist was extremely helpful and healing, until it wasn’t. He didn’t hold those boundaries. In fact, he didn’t believe in “boundaries.” He thought they were too rigid. That just serves to demonstrate not only what kind of therapist he is, which isn’t a very good one, but also the kind of man his is: one without, or with very little, integrity.

We had a therapeutic relationship and a friendship growing at the same time. He talked about himself, too. He opened his home and office and community center to me as a safe haven, stating that The Rapist wasn’t welcome there as a client (he said he didn’t want The Rapist’s money) or as a poly community member. He created the only place in Austin I felt safe other than my own little room. I loved him like a father, also a form of transference. His community center became my second home, my office, and my safe haven, all of which he offered to me. I didn’t ask for any of those things.

Then, one day, about three months into therapy, he ripped it all away. Suddenly, The Rapist would be welcome if he showed up. The anxiety attacks started again, and I thought it was my “issues” causing them, but now I see it’s because I was yet again betrayed by someone who cultivated a relationship, got me to feel safe, then tore it away. Ironically, the exact same time period as the relationship with The Rapist.

So after establishing this dual relationship with me, by not holding the client-therapist boundary and pursuing a fuller relationship, he caused more damage. While it was satisfying and healing in the short term, when he reneged on his promises that The Rapist wasn’t welcome there, I felt betrayed. I felt exposed. I felt violated. Not only by my therapist, but by my friend. He ripped away the one place I felt safe outside of the little room I was renting at the time.

This secondary trauma set me back months in healing. The tertiary trauma would come when the entire poly community embraced The Rapist and called me a liar. Fuck Austin, as I’ve said before.

That first therapist didn’t hold those boundaries. He didn’t act with integrity. He crossed the line, established a secondary relationship, and then changed his mind about his promises, further damaging an already-traumatied client.

This is why those boundaries and rules are in place.

In a therapeutic relationship, it is the therapist’s responsibility to hold that boundary. As a client, you are there to be completely open, to talk about the most intimate and vulnerable details of your life, your past, your mind, your heart, and your soul. That, of course, is going to feel very intimate to the client who is sharing things they may not even share with their spouse.

As I’ve said countless times throughout this blog, I always advise total transparency in any relationship, and especially in romantic and sexual ones. I tell my husband everything, which is one of the reasons our foundation is utterly unshakable. It’s how we not only survived the last three horrific years, but how we’re stronger because of it. In times of trouble and fear, you turn into love, not away from it. Still, very few people, I’ve found, can be that transparent.

My current therapist holds those boundaries with graceful professionalism. Even though at times I wish with all my heart he wouldn’t, that he’d come close to me and breathe into my lips how much he can’t stay away from me a moment longer…I know if he didn’t hold that boundary it would not only be damaging to me and my healing, it would be damaging to him, his career, and his marriage. It’s a no-win situation no matter how attracted to him I might feel. I’m also intellectually aware, as is he, that this is part of the therapeutic experience. I feel drawn to him because I trust him, because I feel safe with him, because I have opened myself up with all the pain and trauma and shame and intensity screaming inside me, and he has held that space, accepted me without judgement. He has validated me, my feelings, my thoughts, and my experiences. He has helped me see the level of abuse I’ve endured throughout my life, not just in the last year in the aftermath of rape, but how that relationship was even possible because of ongoing abuse over a lifetime that has, for the purpose of survival, has altered my nervous system to the point where I don’t recognize early signs of danger. Even when the violence is occurring, whether sexualized violence or verbal or emotional, I freeze when instead of fighting or fleeing. I explain it away. I make it my fault, something I did wrong.

He explains my feelings and diffuses my shame with words of clarity and compassion and care, and it turns out I have a lot of shame. I’ve been shamed for feeling throughout my life, for just having emotions. For feeling insecure at times. For loving. I’ve been shamed for my sexuality. I’ve been shamed for saying no. I’ve been shamed for saying yes. I’ve been shamed for falling in love. I’ve been shamed for falling in love too fast or too deeply. I’ve been shamed for unrequited love.

He takes that shame away.

He said it is completely natural to want to be close to someone with whom you feel safe and who you trust.

It is completely natural.

Although I fantasize about severing the therapeutic relationship now and setting iCal to remind me in two years to call him up for coffee, then spend more time talking about him to balance the budding relationship, the reality is that he’s my therapist. He will always be my therapist. For someone who has had their sense of trust and boundaries so severely violated, a relationship with firm boundaries is exactly what I need, no matter how much my heart yearns for more at times. What that shows more than anything is that my ability to feel love, to trust, and to desire someone is not permanently damaged. From a position of safety, I can feel love again. I can feel desire again. I can ease back into exploring those options with new people, all from the safety of therapy.

May you find peace.

~ by omgrey on May 8, 2013.

43 Responses to “Transference & Trust”

  1. Thank you for your transparency, honesty, integrity, and self-awareness. You are a beacon in the fog. Goddess Bless you.

    • What an amazingly wonderful thing to say! Thank you for saying those things and for your gratitude. May the goddess bless you as we’ll, and may you find peace.

  2. Beautifully and bravely written. So brave. If we all could speak these truths, all day, every day, we could change the world. And it might be by an all-out violent war being waged against us for speaking the truth, and us violently defending ourselves — but that would change the world, still.

    My therapist had sex with me when I was in my 20’s, and i thought it was flattering. Then he dumped me, which of course was not, “flattering.” While he was courting me, an older lover said to me, that i was PAYING the therapist NOT to feel that way about me. I didnt get it, i didnt understand what he said. I just felt flattered that the therapist was asking me out to dinner and talking to me off -the-clock and that he kissed me. The kiss was… for lack of a better work… incredible. Reading what you wrote, I now remember it, clearly, vividly even, over 20 yrs later. Now, I GET what the other man said to me.

    • I agree on the point about speaking with truth and transparency. It is, indeed, a revolutionary act. So very rare.

      I’m sorry that happened to you with that awful therapist!! Then after betraying his wife, you, and his profession, he proceeded to gaslight you into believing it never happened.

      If there is a hell, I hope there is a special place reserved for creeps like this.

      I’m so sorry. I hope you can find a therapist you can trust. Just being able to trust one person is so healing.

      Peace to you.

  3. PS (It didnt take me 20 yrs to understand, i understood much sooner than that. But 20-some years later, it is still vivid, and so is the shame i felt when he told me i was not rational, that we hadnt had sex, the way i felt when running into him and his wife in the mall, i thought i had to act like nothing happened, and the way i felt when many yrs later a therapist absolutely insisted i dig deep into this issue with her, despite my resistance – and then her forcing me to leave her practice because she found out she worked out of the same office as him. Death to them both, and anyone that backed them up.

    • Hear hear!
      Death to them and to the ATX poly/burner/dance community & anyone who backed The Rapist up as well.

      Fuck them all.

  4. My counselor is my pastor. He has very clear boundaries of which no hugging is one. He has a masters in therapy and a PhD in theology. Very qualified and professional. His wife has become my best friend over the years. He has been my pastor for over 9 years. Last year I went through a divorce and my mom died last month. Thought counseling might help since I knew there were long buried issues surrounding both traumas. For 9 years I have respected and admired him but never had I felt anything other than that. Once counseling began to uncover unmet feelings of safety and validation, I began to see him as someone I’ve always needed as he was providing that safe place and accepting me unconditionally. All of a sudden I’m battling inappropriate feelings for him. I feel despicable. How in the world did you muster the courage to admit your feelings? I am seriously thinking of stopping therapy with him… you know, cut out your right eye stuff. I’m so afraid. If I tell him these things everything may change. I think I was really beginning to get to the heart of things too.

    • Exactly how I feel. I consider stopping therapy at least once a week. In fact, I just wrote to him saying just that. Certain times its very distressing for me, I suppose because it is bringing up a lot of those attachment and childhood neglect/abuse issues.

      I found the courage because I had to. I really can’t afford this, and if I’m paying him, even at a reduced rate thanks to his sliding scale, then I’m there to get well. Everything I found on transference said pretty much the same thing: it’s natural. For many people, this is the most intimate relationship they’ve ever had. It’s not for me, but it’s in the top two, my husband being the other one.

      No hugging or physical touch is a good boundary to keep. Indeed!

      It’s a leap of faith, really. It could be the key to unlocking many other things, but you also risk him changing or not handling it or, worse, inappropriately reciprocating.

      Transference, my readings tell me, is always about the same thing: parental neglect/attachment issues. It feels like love and even sexual, but it stems from a very deep need to feel loved, safe, heard, seen, and accepted.

      It really, really feels like love. Distressingly so. And it is love, but perhaps not a romantic or sexual love.

      Regardless, it might be a good thing to explore. Tell him of your fears and read up on transference. Every week after my session, I’m back reading up on transference. It’s comforting.

      Thank you for commenting. Please let me know what you decide and how it turns out.

  5. […] These days, I’m actually enjoying life most of the time, and that’s because I’m living my purpose much more often than I’m wondering about whether or not I have purpose. That’s another of the many gifts my therapist gave me… […]

  6. […] Transference & Trust (omgrey.wordpress.com) […]

  7. […] Transference & Trust (omgrey.wordpress.com) […]

  8. This was a great site. Just what I needed.
    Lost of regards from Norway.

  9. Fuck this shit. My therapist played stupid games. I liked him a little. I was stupid.
    My brain was so fucked over bc of his games. He gave me attention and that was my sin. I lost a friend too . The witch that told me he was nice. He said he used to like pretty girls. I haven’t been pretty for at least 25 yrs.

    • Understood. After I wrote this post, just a little under a year ago, my therapist did a 180 and said the exact words my rapist said to me. He knew they were The Rapist’s words, too. It was heartbreaking. This after he violated my privacy by discussing me with another therapist without my permission.

      I reported him.

      Fuck this shit. I agree.

  10. Abusers like all females. The point is to abuse, and they will do it whenever and to whomever they can.

  11. I miss this blog so much. There is no place i have found where rape issues can be talked about so openly and with the level of anger they deserve. Sometimes I look back at my own comments and think, “why cant i still remember that observation myself, and apply it to my life now?” But how can we? There is no support for this stuff. When I read OM saying she reported her therapist, i thought, good for her, i wish i had done that. But of the thousands of women who report things, once in a while we get lucky, but we know that most times we will be “raped” again by the system. I’m so tired of being bullied and threatened into pretending that everything’s ok. And i’m so tired of being forced out of social circles for telling the truth, or even approaching it, no matter how diplomatically i do it. And i’m tired of people suggesting some individual strategy i should do, while they pretend to be well meaning but want to stay on the outside and not get involved — as if it just doesnt happen to them, in their lovely relationships, because, “you know,” there ARE good therapists/men/husbands if you just look in the right places.” I know we women can now vote, wear pants, own property (in some places), etc, but we still have therapists doing this shit to us, we still have men gang raping women on college campuses and getting a slap on the wrist, we still cant go to the police and then get threatened if we do go, blamed if we dont. The gaslighting, which i get reminded of when i read this blog, is CONSTANT. I dont know how we all arent suicidal — which i know is what the men want, except we should live long enough to give them comfort, cook and clean, and bear them children. Then we can die.

    • I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way.

      I did report my therapist, but it’s been nearly a year and they haven’t even processed it fully yet. Similar bullshit to the “justice” system.

      Yes. As you’ve said above about the college campuses (and everywhere in society), rapists keep raping and our society keeps excusing, minimizing, and apologizing for their criminal behavior.

      It’s horrific, no doubt.

      Thank you for saying you miss the blog. I’m still here if you need to talk, even if I’m not blogging anymore.

      May you find peace.

  12. Wow how I can so relate to this post. Thank you so much for posting this. I have read several but this one truly hits home. I thought I was in love with my therapist it was like he hypnotized me just out the blue. I have came clean to him about my feelings and he as well has told me that these feelings were natural. I fantasize about him every moment of the day. Will this soon fade? I feel like I’m in a deeper depression dealing with this transference now.

    • Transference is a natural part of the healing process. It should fade over time. Basically, your therapist is a surrogate. You feel deeply for him because you talk to him about intimate things, and he responds to you with compassion, kindness, and acceptance. Hopefully your therapist can handle your transference and help you take the next step in healing. My therapist wasn’t able to do that, must to the detriment of my healing and ability to trust.

      If your therapist is trained properly and has the strength to maintain professional and emotional boundaries, you will be able to transfer that trust and affection to someone who is able to reciprocate.

      May you find peace.

      • Would it be wrong to tell him my fantasies of him? I don’t know what has become of me. It just hit me last session that I want to be with him. I totally felt like he was flirting with me in our last session. Then poof I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Even to the point of Facebook stalking him. I feel obsessed I want to come clean about my feelings he knows already how I feel but I haven’t gone into details about the dreams and fantasies I have. He’s really not even my type which is quite odd. But what is a type now a days. In therapy he kept implying you can’t control who u love. I felt like he was implying that to me, and how I needed to quit one of my 2 jobs and how someone out there would take care of me to the point I wouldn’t need to work. We had some real intense conversations some I question now were they even relevant? I just don’t know how do I stop thinking of him. It’s taking over my job my life I think of him non stop I even broke off my 9 year relationship thinking that he would want to be with me too. Is there any pointers to help with this?

      • Read all you can on transference. That will help you understand this.

        The feelings you have for your therapist are a natural part of healing. You trust him. He has focused solely on you during your time together. He listens to you.

        It’s his job to do those things. You paid him to do those things.

        That’s not who he is outside of that office. The truth is that you don’t know much, if anything, about him. Therapists are a surrogate onto which you transfer strong feelings. That’s why it’s called transference, and although your feelings for him are real (I know only too well), you feel love for him because of the above reasons. Because he’s done what you’ve paid him to do.

        You could tell him your fantasies if you’d like. You could tell him how you feel if you like; however, if he responds in any way other than professionally (meaning he reciprocates your feelings and wants to meet outside of therapy), then he is a predator not to be trusted. Immediately report him.

        If he habitually allows your sessions to run long. If he doesn’t hold professional boundaries.
        Report him and find a new therapist.

        On the other hand, if he handles the news professionally as he’s been trained to do, even if he’s experiencing countertransference, then you can make real progress together.

        It’s your job to bear your heart, mind, and soul to him for your own healing. It’s his job to create a safe place for you to do so, and that includes being able to professionally and effectively handle feelings of transference.

  13. I love what you have said here. I wish my therapist was like yours. I told him I was falling in love with him and he tells me I am crossing the line. And that I should watch a movie called the butterfly effect because everything we do in life brings us to where we are today. Not sure what he means by all that. I also didn’t know I shouldnt have told him how I felt. I thought therapy was to be open and honest.
    I felt like I did something wrong by telling him.
    I don’t know what I should do. I haven’t been back since and I feel that he is going to ridicule anything that might come from my mouth. I know this is old but maybe someone will see it and know what I can do. Thanks

    • I am so sorry to hear your therapist responded like that. That was incredibly unprofessional. I don’t blame you for not going back because that is no longer a safe place for you. It’s his job to make that a safe place for you, and he failed miserably.

      Believe me, the mistake was on him, not on you. You did exactly what you were supposed to do: be open, honest, and vulnerable.

      If he doesn’t understand that transference is part of the healing process in therapy, then he is not only insensitive, he is also incompetent.

      I hope you find a therapist with whom you can feel safe. May you find peace.

      >

      • I am in the same boat Jennifer I am madly in lust with my therapist. I love how I can make him smile. But besides me telling him how I feel he has been very professional. As much as I don’t be wanting him too. We have yet to actually discuss my feelings since I have been overwhelmed with other things that play more of an importance that I’m trying to work thru with him. I think it’s very unprofessional his response maybe make an appt with him you are going to need some kind of closer.

  14. Thank you for this. I’m experiencing this and didn’t know what to do. Very VERY scared to bring it up with my T. This helps me a lot.

  15. I was in therapy for over 2 years, fell in love with my therapist, I told him I was in love with him,told him about the dreams I was having. He terminated me, when I went back for our closure talk, he looked at me with all the love a human can give another,then he referred me. This was my first time ever in therapy and it will be my last.

  16. I have been in a position of counter transference, and I would like to share my story if that’s ok?

  17. I can relate to this topic, which makes me wonder, wouldn’t it just be better if females saw female counselors (and vice versa)? Actually, I do feel I can relate better to a male, but maybe this is for some of the reasons discussed in this thread. Any comments appreciated.

    • I don’t think so. I think therapist need to be trained properly for instances of transference, because it is not only extremely common, it’s also natural. The therapist is a safe person to which the client can open up and ultimately heal. They are a safe person to love. That is the whole point of a therapist, especially one specializing in trauma recovery. Safety.

      My therapist failed me, as many therapist fail their clients. They freak out at the emotion, when the point of therapy is to process emotions and build trust.

      • Actually, after writing this I discovered that heterosexual females experience transference for female counselors as well. So now I am wondering if female clients experience transference in therapy more commonly than male clients do? This is really just sort of musing to self, but comments are appreciated.

      • Maybe. It would make sense as women are usually more in touch with their emotions than men, since men are socialized to push them down. They’re not as likely to express it even if they are feeling it.

  18. I am so happy to have found this thread and to see that it is still active. I and female and think I am experiencing transference with my female therapist! It is not sexual or romantic in any way. I just think she is amazing and cool and awesome and I am extremely jealous of her kids. My “fantasies”, if you will are about wanting to go to her house and eat dinner with her family and play with her dog. Its like the ultimate “girl crush”. I have read about transference and feel that it is due to my poor relationship with my parents, though it is weird because my mother was the better of the two, though she has her issues. I am both desperate to bring it up and terrified. I do not think she would be unethical at all or cross boundaries. I am more worried she would suggest I see a different therapist. I shared some things that were difficult for me and things are really going in a good direction. I would not want to have to start all over again!! Plus, I am at a point where I would feel pretty abandoned if that happened. (I’m going to be one of those difficulty to terminate people..ahh) It makes me feel so strange because I am also a healthcare provider with patients of my own. I’ve had patients try to be friends, I know how weird it is! I keep feeling I should know better than to be feeling this way.

    • Transference is a powerful feeling. It’s real for us, and it’s part of the healing. Perhaps your therapist is the only person you can really trust or truly feel safe with. It’s not your job to hold the boundaries, it’s hers.

      I can imagine you’d feel abandoned. I sure did when my therapist changed because of transference. It was devastating, especially since I was seeing him for rape recovery. His actions were retraumatizing, and I still believe (3 years later) that had he been properly trained to navigate through transference, if be able to form a romantic and sexual bond again.

  19. I am currently having this issue with my female therapist and I am also a female. Its not romantic, just the worst “girl crush” I’ve ever had. Like I want to go to her house and play with her dog, or go to the mall. Just being in her presence is great because she is so cool. I desperately want to discuss it but I am terrified. I know she would keep good boundaries for sure, I am more worried she would want to terminate me. We work well together and I do NOT want to have to go through telling stuff I told her to anyone else. So I will probably wind up keeping it to myself and hoping it passes.

    • It might pass. It’s definitely a risk to tell her, but it can be healing if she handles it well.

      May you find peace.

      • Hey..thanks for responding and sorry i posted that twice i did not think it went through the first time.

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