Breaking the Betrayal Bond
Betrayal Bond. Trauma Bond. Stockhom Syndrome. These terms all describe the same thing: a deep, inexplicable bond with someone who has hurt you.
Perhaps the word “hurt” is an understatement.
This phenomenon is caused when a victim of abuse feels a strong bond to their abuser. These victims develop compassion and loyalty to their abusers, whether that abuse be physical, psychological, emotional, verbal, or a combination thereof. They tend to see the lack of abuse or periods between abuse as kindness, as proof of their abuser’s humanity.
A trauma bond is where an intense, traumatic experience or betrayal of trust takes place, forming an equally intense relationship/bond with the perpetrator. (ptsdme blog)
Trying to understand why you were betrayed can most certainly be an exercise in futility. I’m always trying to figure out why. Why do I feel so sick constantly? Why am I having these panic attacks? Why can’t I stop thinking about him? Why didn’t he still want to be friends? etc. etc. etc.
Ultimately, why doesn’t matter. What is…is. This is your reality now. This is where we must practice acceptance and just let go of the reason “why.” I know that we feel that if we could just know our abusers’ motives or thoughts or reasons, we might be able to understand the betrayal, after all we are nurturing, compassionate people. But we wouldn’t understand, because there is no excuse or valid explanation for abuse, for deception, for betrayal. Ever.
The moment of betrayal is the worst, the moment when you know beyond any doubt that you’ve been betrayed: that some other human being has wished you that much evil. (Atwood)
In fact, it’s traumatic. The betrayal of a friendship or a lover (or worse, both) is highly traumatic, and your body (and mind) will likely respond as if you have been traumatized. Because you have been traumatized. The level of the abuse related to the impact of the abuse varies from person to person, as we all have different capacities for dealing with stress, anxiety, and pain.
As to what betrayal does to a relationship, and ultimately, a person, it’s a constant war between illusion and reality, between believing in love and explaining away lies. There are those people who excel at causing this type of betrayal and bond, especially (but not limited to) those who have NPD, HPD, or other such psychopathic disorders which are characterized by a lack of empathy hidden behind a very believable mask.
The path to betrayal looks something like this:
Validation: The victimizer validated the promise in some way so that you believed things are actually the way they were presented. [Regains confidence]
First betrayal: The real intention becomes clear in early abuse or exploitation. What really happened[.]
Reseduction: The victimizer adds an explanation to the story so that the abuse is understandable. [New promise or explanation]
More betrayal: The abuse and exploitation continue in a number of forms. [Now you examine your own sanity, value, and costs for having stayed.]
Reframing: The victimizer interpreted costs to you as minimal and reframed them as necessary for the good of the relationship.
Life crisis: Ultimately, reality asserts itself and you realize you can go no further. (Carnes)
Yet the bond remains even after the relationship is severed.
According to Carnes, “there was just enough truth to make everything seem right. . . . a little truth with just the right spin.” The rest was exploitation and a harsh form of abandonment, which he connects to the core of addictions and shame. It is worse than neglect, being purposeful, in my case even intentionally cruel. And “if severe enough, it is traumatic,” he concludes, creating “a mind numbing, highly addictive attachment to the people who have hurt you,” leading to self-distrust and self-abandonment. (ptsdme blog)
People who are caught up in this type of bond experience symptoms similar to PTSD like nightmares, flashbacks, and panic attacks. Even before the relationship is over, your body might know before you do. For the first time in my life, I was thrown into daily panic attacks, and I couldn’t understand why. Looking back, and after a lot of research, this is common to those victimized by Narcissists. People who have had no history of an anxiety disorder or panic attacks suddenly are finding themselves popping Xanax just to make it through the day. Constant nausea. Inability to eat. Weight loss.
The body knows. It has encountered a poison, and it’s trying to purge. It’s thrown into a survival fight or flight mode, and it remains there day after day. It’s exhausting.
But that is not the worst. The worst is a mind-numbing, highly addictive attachment to the person who has hurt you. You may even try to explain and help them understand what they are doing–convert them into non-abusers. You may even blame yourself, your defects, your failed efforts. You strive to do better as your life slips away in the swirl of the intensity. This attachment causes you to distrust your own judgement, distort your own realities and place yoruself at even greater risk. The great irony? You are bracing yoruself against further hurt. The result? A guarantee of more pain. This attachment to the person that betrayed you has a name–they are called betrayal bonds. (Carnes)
And of pain, or the remnants of the pain, the fading scars that never seem to go away…
But who can remember pain, once it’s over? All that remains of it is a shadow, not in the mind even, in the flesh. Pain marks you, but too deep to see. Out of sight, out of mind. (Atwood)
As for the unending circular questions, try these on:
Why would you want to be friends? Why would you go back into a situation of abuse?
But those questions, as logical as they are, don’t have answers yet because the betrayal bond is not broken. Some part of you is still empathizing with the abuser, rationalizing his/her behavior, wondering if it’s something that you had done wrong.
As Carnes says, “You will never mend the wound without dealing with the betrayal bond. Like gravity, you may defy it for a while, but ultimately it will put you back. You cannot walk away from it. Time will not heal it. Burying yourself in compulsive and addictive behaviors will bring no relief, just more pain.”
-_Q
If you think you might be still trapped under a betrayal bond, here is an online assessment from Dr. Carnes’s website. I wish there was a step-by-step method I could give you on how to break these bonds, but it will likely be a lot of work to break the bond and end the pattern. The first step to healing, of course, is to identify the root problem. I have known “decording” and “soul retrieval” to work for some people, if you have a more alternative spiritual outlook. The latter has worked for me in the past. If your beliefs tend toward the conservative and “traditional” medicine end, psychotherapy and time may not be enough. Please look into Carnes’s book for help.
-_Q
Atwood, Margaret. The Handmaid’s Tale: A Novel.
Carnes, Patrick J. PhD. The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships
http://angerclinic.wordpress.com/2011/01/16/interpreting-emotions/
[...] Sometimes called Stockholm Syndrome, a betrayal bond is an inexplicable bond one makes with his/her abuser. Until that bond is recognized and broken, the victim of abuse cannot heal or move forward. Often times, we see the periods between abuse as kindness, and we start to empathize with our abuser. It is very important to recognize this pattern and break it. For links to helpful books and the quotes from the sources spoken about in this podcast, please visit the original blog post. [...]
I love this. I recently got out a relationship that was physically and emotionally draining. While he never put his hands on me other then to restrain me, he did hurt me mentally. The manipulation was the worst! Once I was able to recognize the mental abuse, I ran. Problem is, he’s following me. He doesn’t want to let go of me. Horrible…
I love this post. I’ll be following.
http://raviolisandwaterworks.com
Emotional abuse can be as damaging as physical abuse. One friend suggested that it might even be moreso because it’s so very intangible, like invisible to anyone outside of your mind. Harder to see. Harder to define. Harder to prove. With physical abuse, there is no denial of abuse. The bruises and physical pain, even from forceful restraint, are quite evident, not only to you but to others. The unquestioning validation can be healing, and I have been very fortunate to have that sort of validation from friends regarding my recent emotional abuse. In fact, they defined it as such before I did, helping me accept that’s what had happened. It is wonderful you were able to see it yourself and leave on your own. It shows that you are a very strong woman, and I admire you for having the ability to do that. I’m sorry to hear he’s following you, and I sincerely hope that you can get rid of him for good. The Narcissist sites might help you. Have you gone into No Contact with him? It is the only way.
Thank you for your comment and for the link.
[...] year I also wrote about shame, victimization, and betrayal bonds. All well worth another read. No doubt. Gaslighting and Projected Abuse are two types of very [...]
[...] for the health and well-being of one or both people involved, especially in cases of abuse. That betrayal bond must be broken, as painful as that is. Sometimes it needs to end for other reasons. One of the [...]
[...] PTSD and Emotional Abuse. If you are exhibiting any of the signs, you might be trapped in a betrayal or trauma bond with the abuser. This makes it even harder to get away and [...]
[...] fears and live in deep denial. But this is also very accurate, in relation to being trapped in a trauma bond and the struggle to first see and then break that [...]
So glad you mentioned HPD Here. HPD sufferers,because of the often- accompanying dependent personality traits,are sometimes in a bizarre, emotionally abusive relationship with the person they depend on!! It increases the misery. I lost my grandpa 2 months shy of my 4th birthday and I was taken to a wake when I was only 4 years old! Definitely had authoritarian parents, but dont understand how this would create an overly-dramatic personality,as indicated in the HPD page. The person does not feel their emotions are excessive. They have interests and a lifestyle that are the opposite of “shallow”, I, for one, lead a pretty buddhist lifestyle of no possessions, dont even own an Ipod! but yes, I allow for the possibility we may appear this way to others. I hope we can remember to change these parts of our ingrained personalities. Despite attention, we feel ‘ignored’; a very uncomfortable thing. Very brave of you to write this, dear.
[...] psychiatrist says this thinking is part of the trauma bond, and that it will lessen with [...]
I took that test and scored a 25, if 11 is bad I must be really terrible. But thanks to you I am no longer flailing around blindly in the dark. I can start to see what I have done wrong and now act better and try to heal myself. I may be messed up and having to totally start over, but at least I know WHY!
ITS not all my fault, but its me who has to clean up the mess. Long road ahead. I just hope you are there to help me on.
You’re not terrible and you didn’t do anything “wrong.” I challenge you to stop using these judgmental terms to describe yourself.
If you took the Betrayal Bond test, you’re trapped in betrayal bonds with one or more relationships. Now you know. Examine those ties, the behaviors of others, and start to break those bonds & ultimately those patterns.
Get into therapy to help. It’s certainly helping me.
Peace.
1 thing that really helped me break my primary betrayal bond was learning to tell the difference in spoken words & true intent. My abuser saying he was “sorry” , versus being truly remorseful. If someone is remorseful they dont give u 5-10 reasons why they behaved badly, (& those reasons are almost always somehow your fault), their “reasons” never justify the behavior: ex: “u were indecisive so I screamed insults at u in front of everyone…. ” and doing that helped the situation HOW exactly?? The truly remorseful person doesnt continue & repeat the offensive behavior. A remorseful person won’t minimize the offense or its effect on u. Basically actions > words. Anyone with a tongue can talk & talk is CHEAP! Watch & see how they act & it becomes crystal clear abusers arent sorry. They use us as emotional dumping grounds. I refuse to be dumped on anymore!
Agreed. Easy to say the words “I’m sorry” or “I love you,” something entirely different to mean them. Although I got a lot of “I love you”s, and they were so very believable, he never apologized for anything. Not even once that I can recall.
Good for you for taking a stand.
[...] suicidal ideation. Expect confusion. Expect them to love their abuser through it all. The trauma bond is extremely strong, and confusing feelings around abuse and assault are completely normal. Someone [...]
[...] Ah, yes. The joy of the trauma bond. [...]
My therapist just introduced the concept of betrayal bonds, and, fortunately, I found your post. Can’t thank you enough, not only for the content, but also for the way you brought Atwood and Carnes together. (Oh, I scored 29 on the index.)
I’m so pleased you’re finding the blog useful! The more people learn and understand trauma bonds, the more we can support loved ones and avoid abuse…and heal.
[...] back, I can see that I was deeply trapped by the Betrayal Bond. I’ve learned a lot about Betrayal Bonds, PTSD, and survival between now and then. So many people have written me just having been victims [...]
[...] falls in love, although it would more realistically be categorized as Stockholm Syndrome, aka The Betrayal Bond. Derek isn’t quite as bad as the other vampires in the Blood Shade, an enchanted island under [...]
[...] falls in love, although it would more realistically be categorized as Stockholm Syndrome, aka The Betrayal Bond. Derek isn’t quite as bad as the other vampires in the Blood Shade, an enchanted island under [...]
[...] I had emerged from the trauma-bond cloud and accepted that what had happened back on February 12th and 16th, 2012 was, indeed, rape, through [...]
[...] of trauma can be quite debilitating, as I’ve discovered. I’ve spoken a bit before on The Betrayal Bond, and I’ll be looking more closely at this phenomenon as well as things like Gaslighting and [...]
[…] own assaults, just as this culture teaches every woman to do. Besides, I was still trapped in the Betrayal Bond with him when I wrote this. I’m far out of it […]