Breaking the Betrayal Bond

Betrayal Bond. Trauma Bond. Stockhom Syndrome. These terms all describe the same thing: a deep, inexplicable bond with someone who has hurt you.

Perhaps the word “hurt” is an understatement.

This phenomenon is caused when a victim of abuse feels a strong bond to their abuser. These victims develop compassion and loyalty to their abusers, whether that abuse be physical, psychological, emotional, verbal, or a combination thereof. They tend to see the lack of abuse or periods between abuse as kindness, as proof of their abuser’s humanity.

A trauma bond is where an intense, traumatic experience or betrayal of trust takes place, forming an equally intense relationship/bond with the perpetrator. (ptsdme blog)

Trying to understand why you were betrayed can most certainly be an exercise in futility. I’m always trying to figure out why. Why do I feel so sick constantly? Why am I having these panic attacks? Why can’t I stop thinking about him? Why didn’t he still want to be friends? etc. etc. etc.

Ultimately, why doesn’t matter. What is…is. This is your reality now. This is where we must practice acceptance and just let go of the reason “why.” I know that we feel that if we could just know our abusers’ motives or thoughts or reasons, we might be able to understand the betrayal, after all we are nurturing, compassionate people. But we wouldn’t understand, because there is no excuse or valid explanation for abuse, for deception, for betrayal. Ever.

The moment of betrayal is the worst, the moment when you know beyond any doubt that you’ve been betrayed: that some other human being has wished you that much evil. (Atwood)

In fact, it’s traumatic. The betrayal of a friendship or a lover (or worse, both) is highly traumatic, and your body (and mind) will likely respond as if you have been traumatized. Because you have been traumatized. The level of the abuse related to the impact of the abuse varies from person to person, as we all have different capacities for dealing with stress, anxiety, and pain.

As to what betrayal does to a relationship, and ultimately, a person, it’s a constant war between illusion and reality, between believing in love and explaining away lies. There are those people who excel at causing this type of betrayal and bond, especially (but not limited to) those who have NPD, HPD, or other such psychopathic disorders which are characterized by a lack of empathy hidden behind a very believable mask.

The path to betrayal looks something like this:

Validation: The victimizer validated the promise in some way so that you believed things are actually the way they were presented. [Regains confidence]

First betrayal: The real intention becomes clear in early abuse or exploitation. What really happened[.]

Reseduction: The victimizer adds an explanation to the story so that the abuse is understandable. [New promise or explanation]

More betrayal: The abuse and exploitation continue in a number of forms. [Now you examine your own sanity, value, and costs for having stayed.]

Reframing: The victimizer interpreted costs to you as minimal and reframed them as necessary for the good of the relationship.

Life crisis: Ultimately, reality asserts itself and you realize you can go no further. (Carnes)

Yet the bond remains even after the relationship is severed.

According to Carnes, “there was just enough truth to make everything seem right. . . . a little truth with just the right spin.” The rest was exploitation and a harsh form of abandonment, which he connects to the core of addictions and shame. It is worse than neglect, being purposeful, in my case even intentionally cruel. And “if severe enough, it is traumatic,” he concludes, creating “a mind numbing, highly addictive attachment to the people who have hurt you,” leading to self-distrust and self-abandonment. (ptsdme blog)

People who are caught up in this type of bond experience symptoms similar to PTSD like nightmares, flashbacks, and panic attacks. Even before the relationship is over, your body might know before you do. For the first time in my life, I was thrown into daily panic attacks, and I couldn’t understand why. Looking back, and after a lot of research, this is common to those victimized by Narcissists. People who have had no history of an anxiety disorder or panic attacks suddenly are finding themselves popping Xanax just to make it through the day. Constant nausea. Inability to eat. Weight loss.

The body knows. It has encountered a poison, and it’s trying to purge. It’s thrown into a survival fight or flight mode, and it remains there day after day. It’s exhausting.

But that is not the worst. The worst is a mind-numbing, highly addictive attachment to the person who has hurt you. You may even try to explain and help them understand what they are doing–convert them into non-abusers. You may even blame yourself, your defects, your failed efforts. You strive to do better as your life slips away in the swirl of the intensity. This attachment causes you to distrust your own judgement, distort your own realities and place yoruself at even greater risk. The great irony? You are bracing yoruself against further hurt. The result? A guarantee of more pain. This attachment to the person that betrayed you has a name–they are called betrayal bonds. (Carnes)

And of pain, or the remnants of the pain, the fading scars that never seem to go away…

But who can remember pain, once it’s over? All that remains of it is a shadow, not in the mind even, in the flesh. Pain marks you, but too deep to see. Out of sight, out of mind. (Atwood)

As for the unending circular questions, try these on:

Why would you want to be friends? Why would you go back into a situation of abuse?

But those questions, as logical as they are, don’t have answers yet because the betrayal bond is not broken. Some part of you is still empathizing with the abuser, rationalizing his/her behavior, wondering if it’s something that you had done wrong.

As Carnes says, “You will never mend the wound without dealing with the betrayal bond. Like gravity, you may defy it for a while, but ultimately it will put you back. You cannot walk away from it. Time will not heal it. Burying yourself in compulsive and addictive behaviors will bring no relief, just more pain.”

-_Q

If you think you might be still trapped under a betrayal bond, here is an online assessment from Dr. Carnes’s website. I wish there was a step-by-step method I could give you on how to break these bonds, but it will likely be a lot of work to break the bond and end the pattern. The first step to healing, of course, is to identify the root problem. I have known “decording” and “soul retrieval” to work for some people, if you have a more alternative spiritual outlook. The latter has worked for me in the past. If your beliefs tend toward the conservative and “traditional” medicine end, psychotherapy and time may not be enough. Please look into Carnes’s book for help.

-_Q

Atwood, Margaret. The Handmaid’s Tale: A Novel.

Carnes, Patrick J. PhD. The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships

Find samples of each on Google Books (Carnes) (Atwood).

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~ by omgrey on May 18, 2011.

58 Responses to “Breaking the Betrayal Bond”

  1. http://angerclinic.wordpress.com/2011/01/16/interpreting-emotions/

  2. [...] Sometimes called Stockholm Syndrome, a betrayal bond is an inexplicable bond one makes with his/her abuser. Until that bond is recognized and broken, the victim of abuse cannot heal or move forward. Often times, we see the periods between abuse as kindness, and we start to empathize with our abuser. It is very important to recognize this pattern and break it. For links to helpful books and the quotes from the sources spoken about in this podcast, please visit the original blog post. [...]

  3. I love this. I recently got out a relationship that was physically and emotionally draining. While he never put his hands on me other then to restrain me, he did hurt me mentally. The manipulation was the worst! Once I was able to recognize the mental abuse, I ran. Problem is, he’s following me. He doesn’t want to let go of me. Horrible…

    I love this post. I’ll be following.

    http://raviolisandwaterworks.com

    • Emotional abuse can be as damaging as physical abuse. One friend suggested that it might even be moreso because it’s so very intangible, like invisible to anyone outside of your mind. Harder to see. Harder to define. Harder to prove. With physical abuse, there is no denial of abuse. The bruises and physical pain, even from forceful restraint, are quite evident, not only to you but to others. The unquestioning validation can be healing, and I have been very fortunate to have that sort of validation from friends regarding my recent emotional abuse. In fact, they defined it as such before I did, helping me accept that’s what had happened. It is wonderful you were able to see it yourself and leave on your own. It shows that you are a very strong woman, and I admire you for having the ability to do that. I’m sorry to hear he’s following you, and I sincerely hope that you can get rid of him for good. The Narcissist sites might help you. Have you gone into No Contact with him? It is the only way.

      Thank you for your comment and for the link.

  4. [...] year I also wrote about shame, victimization, and betrayal bonds. All well worth another read. No doubt. Gaslighting and Projected Abuse are two types of very [...]

  5. [...] for the health and well-being of one or both people involved, especially in cases of abuse. That betrayal bond must be broken, as painful as that is. Sometimes it needs to end for other reasons. One of the [...]

  6. [...] PTSD and Emotional Abuse. If you are exhibiting any of the signs, you might be trapped in a betrayal or trauma bond with the abuser. This makes it even harder to get away and [...]

  7. [...] fears and live in deep denial. But this is also very accurate, in relation to being trapped in a trauma bond and the struggle to first see and then break that [...]

  8. So glad you mentioned HPD Here. HPD sufferers,because of the often- accompanying dependent personality traits,are sometimes in a bizarre, emotionally abusive relationship with the person they depend on!! It increases the misery. I lost my grandpa 2 months shy of my 4th birthday and I was taken to a wake when I was only 4 years old! Definitely had authoritarian parents, but dont understand how this would create an overly-dramatic personality,as indicated in the HPD page. The person does not feel their emotions are excessive. They have interests and a lifestyle that are the opposite of “shallow”, I, for one, lead a pretty buddhist lifestyle of no possessions, dont even own an Ipod! but yes, I allow for the possibility we may appear this way to others. I hope we can remember to change these parts of our ingrained personalities. Despite attention, we feel ‘ignored'; a very uncomfortable thing. Very brave of you to write this, dear.

    • Wow! You said it perfectly. I didn’t even know what was happening to me or what I was experiencing. I was numb until I could not even feel anything at all, like a robot going through the motions. My brain felt like it couldn’t work. I couldn’t think rationally at all and I couldn’t understand why, yet I felt like I deserved it in a weired kind of way. This is about the warped definition of love and connection that I learned growing up and then I met someone who matched that deffination to a tee and we re-played it perfectly so I dont blame him. I just look at it as a very painful lesson that i had to learn so that I can have a better understanding of myself and the relationships that I tend to keep creating in my life. Good luck to you in your future.

      beginning to understand my truth for the very first time.

      • It sounds like you were having a dissociative episode. Read my posts on PTSD.

        Yes. Blame him. As you get further out of the betrayal bond you’ll see more of the abuse you endured. He might have fit the definition of love and connection, which likely looks a lot like abuse and cruelty if it’s like what I was taught, but that doesn’t make it your fault. Sounds like you were raised by an abuser, so that’s all you know. Just because you’re attracted to well-disguised abusers doesn’t make you responsible for their abuse. They choose to abuse and hurt others, as that may be what they learned to do.

        Victims of abuse either become abusers or are attracted to abusers, usually. But some self-analysis and different choices can free you from either role. It’s not an easy task to break from from childhood norms, but it can be done with introspection and self-awareness.

        May you find peace.

  9. [...] psychiatrist says this thinking is part of the trauma bond, and that it will lessen with [...]

  10. I took that test and scored a 25, if 11 is bad I must be really terrible. But thanks to you I am no longer flailing around blindly in the dark. I can start to see what I have done wrong and now act better and try to heal myself. I may be messed up and having to totally start over, but at least I know WHY!
    ITS not all my fault, but its me who has to clean up the mess. Long road ahead. I just hope you are there to help me on.

    • You’re not terrible and you didn’t do anything “wrong.” I challenge you to stop using these judgmental terms to describe yourself.

      If you took the Betrayal Bond test, you’re trapped in betrayal bonds with one or more relationships. Now you know. Examine those ties, the behaviors of others, and start to break those bonds & ultimately those patterns.

      Get into therapy to help. It’s certainly helping me.

      Peace.

  11. 1 thing that really helped me break my primary betrayal bond was learning to tell the difference in spoken words & true intent. My abuser saying he was “sorry” , versus being truly remorseful. If someone is remorseful they dont give u 5-10 reasons why they behaved badly, (& those reasons are almost always somehow your fault), their “reasons” never justify the behavior: ex: “u were indecisive so I screamed insults at u in front of everyone…. ” and doing that helped the situation HOW exactly?? The truly remorseful person doesnt continue & repeat the offensive behavior. A remorseful person won’t minimize the offense or its effect on u. Basically actions > words. Anyone with a tongue can talk & talk is CHEAP! Watch & see how they act & it becomes crystal clear abusers arent sorry. They use us as emotional dumping grounds. I refuse to be dumped on anymore!

    • Agreed. Easy to say the words “I’m sorry” or “I love you,” something entirely different to mean them. Although I got a lot of “I love you”s, and they were so very believable, he never apologized for anything. Not even once that I can recall.

      Good for you for taking a stand.

  12. [...] suicidal ideation. Expect confusion. Expect them to love their abuser through it all. The trauma bond is extremely strong, and confusing feelings around abuse and assault are completely normal. Someone [...]

  13. [...] Ah, yes. The joy of the trauma bond. [...]

  14. My therapist just introduced the concept of betrayal bonds, and, fortunately, I found your post. Can’t thank you enough, not only for the content, but also for the way you brought Atwood and Carnes together. (Oh, I scored 29 on the index.)

    • I’m so pleased you’re finding the blog useful! The more people learn and understand trauma bonds, the more we can support loved ones and avoid abuse…and heal.

  15. [...] back, I can see that I was deeply trapped by the Betrayal Bond. I’ve learned a lot about Betrayal Bonds, PTSD, and survival between now and then. So many people have written me just having been victims [...]

  16. [...] falls in love, although it would more realistically be categorized as Stockholm Syndrome, aka The Betrayal Bond. Derek isn’t quite as bad as the other vampires in the Blood Shade, an enchanted island under [...]

  17. [...] falls in love, although it would more realistically be categorized as Stockholm Syndrome, aka The Betrayal Bond. Derek isn’t quite as bad as the other vampires in the Blood Shade, an enchanted island under [...]

  18. [...] I had emerged from the trauma-bond cloud and accepted that what had happened back on February 12th and 16th, 2012 was, indeed, rape, through [...]

  19. [...] of trauma can be quite debilitating, as I’ve discovered. I’ve spoken a bit before on The Betrayal Bond, and I’ll be looking more closely at this phenomenon as well as things like Gaslighting and [...]

  20. […] own assaults, just as this culture teaches every woman to do. Besides, I was still trapped in the Betrayal Bond with him when I wrote this. I’m far out of it […]

  21. “Why” they hurt others (and us) is easy. They are inconsiderate selfish sadists. They don’t care who they hurt and they get off on it. They are paying the whole world back for whatever wrongs they felt have been dealt to them, and if you are in their path you are going to pay. They are scorpions, poisonous spiders and snakes. I grew up with every one of them. It’s that simple. And that explains it all. Do we want to handle these types of destructive creatures? If the answer is “no,” then give them wide berth. Don’t touch them. They are toxic and that’s the end of the story.

    Now just how to not get caught back up in their trap, wishing hoping praying that “this time will be different.” Hah… that’s what they are looking for. The trauma triangle in action. No more for me, no matter what they say! Dear God please protect me and guide me and show me The Way.

    Thanks for this wonderful blog. I can see there’s lots of reading here for me.

  22. Gracias, amiga! More to come I hope… progress, always progress at least…

    “The winds of grace blow all the time; all we need do is set our sails.”

    Dear God please show us The Way.

  23. […] not a lover. The vacillating (mostly covert) abuse and (mostly overt displays of) love creates and extremely strong bond, as shown in Skinner’s experiments with pigeons: intermittent reinforcement. This is […]

  24. […] The Betrayal Bond. Once you understand The Betrayal Bond, you’ll understand more of this. […]

  25. I am so relieved, and also really horrified, to have discovered through my therapist that the relationship I have been in for two years … was a trauma bond. I’d never even heard the term before! It explains everything, and now that I have answers (I have been so confused, tormented, hurt, in love, completely unable to leave him, and totally dedicated to him while compromising almost every aspect of myself) I can let go and begin to try to work through it and hopefully heal. I scored a 25. My GOD! I’m very scared that I will relapse, and that I could end up in another relationship with a man who causes me such ongoing trauma while I remain unquestionably dedicated. It’s frightening. But, now I have a gameplan, my therapist is wonderful, and I am determined to heal. Thank you for this. All information providing insight into this confusing and damaging kind of relationship is very helpful.

    • I’m so pleased you’ve found it helpful and so very sorry you had to experience it.

      It’s is a frightening prospect, moving forward, especially knowing how effectively some people covertly abuse and manipulate their partners. I’d suggest, and I’m sure your therapist is on the same page, to take some time and heal yourself. This kind of emotional abide is a significant trauma, and it will take some time to unpack a lot of beliefs. It’s important to do so you don’t fall into the same pattern with another abuser.

      It is horrifying to realize how cruel and downright evil some people can be under the guise of love.

      May you find peace.

    • Thank you Anniegirl… I will have to take that “test” again myself. I am sure I will score 100%. You – and this website – have given me hope for the future, which I needed so much.

  26. I’m so glad my therapist told me about Betrayal Bond, Trauma Bond. It makes so much sense, and we both agree that I have suffered with this for a long time. I’m healing right now, and am no longer with my verbal abuser. I am still thinking about him, though I know I would never put myself through the abuse with him again. It is so true. I’m a nurturer by nature, and always look at the positive side of everything, including people. Because of my personality, I have been in 3 bad, long term relationships. I felt like I had the word’s “abuse me” written across my forehead! But, I was strong enough to end and leave all 3 relationships. I am very happy being single right now, and want to heal first before I feel that Mr. Right will walk into my life. I will no longer allow anyone to treat me with disrespect and any kind of abuse. No excuses for them anymore. I will definitely read the book soon. God Bless all of you who suffer from this.

    • Thank you Celia… your story is just what I needed to read tonight! Gives hope to us all. Hugs, Catherine

    • Thank you for your comment, Celia. I’m so pleased you got away from your abuser. It’s a wise choice to heal completely first before entering into another relationship. You are more aware of the way abuse manifests, sometimes so covertly, that you’ll be able to see red flags early on now. Trust your instincts. If you feel uneasy at all, get out of there. Mr. Right is out there. So many Mr. Wrongs use his disguise, but by healing first and learning more about your patterns and vulnerabilities, especially as a nurturing woman, you can learn to listen to your gut and tell the difference between genuine excitement for a new relationship and your nervous system saying DANGER!! They feel quite similar to someone unaware.

      May you find peace.

      • Best thing you said: ” learn to listen to your gut and tell the difference between genuine excitement for a new relationship and your nervous system saying DANGER!! They feel quite similar to someone unaware.”

        I can attest to that. I learned that I was “always wrong” when I was being abused in my family, so my personal relationships are a mess. I learned the exact opposite in my business affairs, as I learned from experienced, truthful business people who taught me to trust my instincts and what to look for and how to protect myself. And most importantly, how to get out before I got hurt! So I practically never got burned in my business affairs, but constantly burned in my personal ones. Talk about opposites!

        I’m now trying to learn to apply the same principles to all the relationships in my life, business and personal. Meaning if someone lets me down in a personal relationship, I don’t make excuses for them or give them “second chances.” And I don’t listen to so-called “friends” who start defending wrong-doers and telling me I’m wrong for going with my own perceptions. All those kind of people have to go!

        Life is starting to become easier, when I learn to listen to myself. But I still ignore far too many warning signals and red flags, all because I am desperate for support. That has to change.

        Thank God for the internet and sites like this one, and people aware and courageous enough to share their tales. Gracias Dios, for favors large and small. Amen.

  27. PS: I don’t mean I never “forgive” or “cut people off” completely in my personal life. I do mean that I don’t keep giving in the hopes of receiving. I will do a small transaction to see how it turns out, before I give them all my trust and confidence. “Friends” are confidence people too… both men and women. Time to see who is a user and who is not! If they are really trustworthy, then I know to be friendly but keep my distance as well.

  28. I pray this blog sets free victims of what has been called “the worst form of child abuse”: parental alienation. Thank you.

  29. Reblogged this on Moms' Hearts Unsilenced.

  30. […] μέσα στον τραυματικό δεσμό (trauma bond)/δεσμό προδοσίας (betrayal bond). Ζητούσα από το βασανιστή μου να γλείψει τις πληγές […]

  31. Excellent article.
    The problem lies with the fact that somehow you say, hurt people hurt people. So you see their pain and then try to keep the friendship. But that’s when you forget your own pain. And that is self destructive.
    If that person scares your heart, and your heart still feels the trembling.
    Then it’s better to move on.
    Love isn’t supposed to hurt, even with friends.

  32. Thank you for this most insightful and profound entry. Breaking the betrayal bond is definitely what I have to do, and finding a way to stop wondering “what did I do wrong?” It’s been years and as you mention, nothing has fixed this on it’s own. Now it’s on to find these books and start reading, and “doing the work” whatever that entails.

    Dear God please show me The Way. Amen.

    • Contrary to popular belief, time does not heal all wounds. It’s quite unfair that people hurt us in this way, and it’s even more so that it’s up to us to repair the damage they caused. I think you will find this book most helpful, as well as the PTSD Sourcebook. Both, in addition to the other books I’ve blogged about, have helped me.

  33. “Hurt people hurt people.” Yes, and so do SADISTS. No reason to feel sorry for them. That’s the “hook” that has always got me in the end. And I paid the price for “trying to be nice” or because I “felt sorry for them.” That’s how they get you. They wait for someone to fall for their need to kill.

    Just like the man who found the rattlesnake frozen in the snow and brought it into his tent, and when the snake thawed out he bit the man and killed him. Read the rest of the story. It’s a good one.

    • Agreed. I don’t feel much compassion for them. Many people have been hurt by others, but these abusers CHOOSE to continue the cycle. My compassion stops when these “hurt people” hurt more people, especially when they take no responsibility for their actions or the consequences and damage their actions cause.

      If they were to own it, apologize (sincerely), and make reparations (whatever the survivor wants)…making the kind of sacrifices that would equate the suffering and loss of life/income that their abuse/assault caused their victims, then my compassion would return. But if they just use it as an excuse (or others make excuses for them) because these predators were also hurt, fuck that and fuck them.

      No excuse. Words mean nothing.
      They must step up, take responsibility, and dedicate their lives to healing themselves and those they hurt, no matter what the cost.

  34. […] http://omgrey.wordpress.com/2011/05/18/breaking-the-betrayal-bond/ […]

  35. I’ve been really struggling. I was in a relationship for 3 years (right after my divorce to a man who cheated on me over and over again) to a man who was very fun and exciting. We lead a fast pace of friends traveling, and hanging out. I finally felt like i was living. After 6mo he moved in with me and I never had my space back. He started to become demanding that it was my job to cook, clean, do his laundry, and take care of his kids (one being disabled and unable to talk, the other an angry teen. Both lived with us). My former life was me having all the time to myself and having coffee with friends because my ex never wanted to do anything with me.
    This man became so demanding and telling me that I have to ask him before I could go with my friends or even how long I could go visit my grand kids. Then he constantly was going places with his kids and i always had to be with him! never any alone time! I finally kicked him out after 3years and he got another girlfriend in less than a week. All along still begging me to marry him. I was crushed. His daughter struggled because I was a mom to her and she wanted me at her track meet instead of his girlfriend. He told me then that she would not be second to me and we broke up so I needed to get over it and move on and stay out of her life. Now really crushed!
    I moved on and found a really nice man who is calm.
    After 6 mo we got back together because he promised change and said he loved me so much and broke it off with his girlfriend. but when he started chewing me out again I walked away. He’s threatened suicide, had people call me and beg for another chance, made an appt with a pastor, proposed marriage, and called me bawling etc… I rejected all of it.
    Problem is… I’m so torn with him. He was so exciting and we use to talk on such a deep emotional level that we know each others soles. He sends me love notes, begs, misses me, loves only me, etc… And I find myself missing him to tears. I don’t want to but I can’t stop! He says we are sole mates and we will never find a love as strong as ours. He said there is something in his every day that reminds him of me. I end up bawling. No matter how he has hurt me he keeps saying that he was hurt too. Help! When he loves me it can be so powerful! Why am I so easily drawn back when my head says stop? I just miss him so much

    • This is exactly why people like this guy are so dangerous. You’re hooked in deep, and you love them so much. He’s exciting, yes; but is it worth it? Threatening suicide is highly abusive, as is manipulating his friends to beg for him, and the rest of his behavior is misogynistic. You must go to NO CONTACT with people like this. The only way is to cut all ties, I’m afraid.

      The man who raped me was also very exciting. Best sex ever. Transcendent. In the end, a few weeks of bliss was so not worth years of agony. I paid for a few moments of heaven with years of hell, not to mention the thousands spent in therapy and lost because I’ve been unable to work with the PTSD.

      It’s not worth the cost.

      You’re describing the *classic* abuse cycle. It doesn’t end until you get away. You miss him so much, and I get that more than you know. That will fade as you get further and further away from him. Think of him like crack. Glorious short-lived high followed by weeks or months of withdrawal. Keep doing it, and you’ll rot from the inside out.

      May you find peace.

      • Thank you. I needed to know that! Thanks also for telling me about the rape. He came over one night to get his stuff and we talked for hours until he raped me too. I bawled for weeks. When I brought it up to him months later when he wouldn’t leave me alone, he was upset and said he didn’t do that and would never hurt me that way! He said we were so attracted to each other and he thought we both wanted it. I said no several times but when he told me to get my pants off I just took them off so I blame myself for not fighting hard. It all happened so fast that I was a zombie and disconnected. Now I know he raped me too. Thanks for your response.

      • Yes. It was. You were in a freeze response, dissociated. I’m so sorry he did that to you.

        It wasn’t your fault. You said no, and he didn’t respect that no. More importantly, you didn’t say yes.

        May you find peace.

      • Thank you so much omgrey! Your words are so encouraging you identify with all the drama each one of us have lived through. It seemed like a great relationship at the time because of the excitement involved but we all were so brain washed we couldnt see the abuse. Its been 3 years since my ordeal and i can finally say it has opened my eyes and made me a stronger, wiser woman. Many Thanks to you omgrey!

      • You’re so welcome. I’m glad you found my words helpful, and I’m even happier you’re away from that toxic relationship.

        May you find peace.

      • Don’t ever be fooled into thinking you can skirt around the dangerous parts of a treacherous individual. There are so many avenues of betrayal, deception, & abuse & they can be put into effect so gradually that it goes unnoticed. Once you realize a person is a narcissist or worse- do your best to avoid them at all costs. They are like sirens who lull you back with manipulations & disguises then leave you blindsided with your worst nightmates . I don’t know why they get such a kick out of torturing good people but it doesn’t matter as much as the fact that they should be seen as lions who want nothing more than to feed on your flesh.

  36. Reblogged this on trainerchick and commented:
    I can relate to this in so many ways. Im reblogging because i want others who may be dealing with the same thing to be enlightened and hopefully seek the necessary help.

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