Standing Strong

20120219-210008.jpgI’m remarkably okay.

I mean. Seriously.

Could I be this strong? The woman who was crippled by heartbreak twice last year?

Of course I’m hoping that it’s not truly over, over. I hope that he can accept some basic truths about life and relationships. Truths, by the way, that have been validated multiple times over the weekend by several people in the poly community. (The poly community is ridiculously small, btw. Two men who had written me on OKC that I turned to for poly support turned out to be the husbands of the women my ex has been talking to. I mean, really? What are the fucking odds?! Ridiculously small.)

Don’t get me wrong. There have been tears and a few minor panic attacks, but just for the first two days, and not near as much as I expected (or feared).

No panic today. Few tears.

A lot of strength. In fact I realized today that I am incredibly strong. All my support network have told me this again and again, and today I completely believe them. Not only am I strong, but I realized that I’m also a pretty incredible woman. Intense, sure. Emotional and passionate, definitely. But I’m not apologizing for that anymore. It takes a strong man to be with me, and I’m no longer going to minimize myself. There is strength in tears. There is strength in facing fears. There is incredible strength inside me.

Here I am. Standing on my own two feet, knowing I made the right choice by standing up for my self-respect. If its over, then it’s over. But I still hope it’s not. Because now we can come back together in love and there will be much less anxiety on my end, knowing I won’t be crippled if/when it ends. I know I will be okay because I am okay today.

Here is the strong woman you want, sweetheart. Who would’ve guessed it was me all the time? Thank you for showing me just how strong I am. I am so grateful for the time and love we’ve shared, and I so hope we can share more time and love and still grow together and learn together. I’m a better woman today because of you, my love. I’m healthier and more fit. And I’m stronger. So much stronger.

Too late for us, my sweet auctioneer? I hope not. But if so, I’m okay.
Sad. Regretting our fears got the better of us. Wishing I would’ve handled things better.
Missing you. Loving you…but not broken.

Really remarkably fucking okay.

I took care of me, for a change, and it feels great!

~ by omgrey on February 19, 2012.

9 Responses to “Standing Strong”

  1. Here’s simply wishing you better, stronger days… and moving further and further from the negative…

    Armand Rosamilia

  2. Hey, I’ve also had some hard times in my relationship; breaking up with a primary of two years at the moment, and your recent posts have really resonated with me.

    You can be stronger, you can learn from your experiences. ❤ I'll be looking out for you and how you'll get through this.

    • I’m so sorry to hear about you & your primary! The pain of heartbreak can certainly be deep, no doubt, and the grieving process can take much longer than it should. But it takes as long as it takes. Unfortunately, there is no avoiding it.

      The only way out is through.

      I’m right here if you need to talk. I know how important that is when processing pain.

  3. Yeah, OkCupid can be that kind of odd little echo chamber. When I got myself setup on it, 40 of my top 50 local matches were people I either already knew or were friends of friends. I figured it’s either a useless tool, or it’s telling me that I’m already pretty good at finding the people I want to be with.

    • I just couldn’t believe it. I hadn’t been on there for so long because I was completely fulfilled in this relationship, but this weekend I went on to answer a bunch of messages that had piled up. Two of them were these men. I still can’t believe it. The worst part is that I turned to them for support on this issue before I fully realized who they were…so it’s rather awkward, especially in one instance.

      Hopefully it didn’t make things worse for me. How could I have known? Whatever. What’s done is done.

  4. […] who I am. As I said before, I’m not apologizing for it […]

  5. […] loving completely. Reveling in the joy when it comes. Standing strong against the storms when they […]

  6. […] Standing Strong […]

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