I mean. Seriously.
Could I be this strong? The woman who was crippled by heartbreak twice last year?
Of course I’m hoping that it’s not truly over, over. I hope that he can accept some basic truths about life and relationships. Truths, by the way, that have been validated multiple times over the weekend by several people in the poly community. (The poly community is ridiculously small, btw. Two men who had written me on OKC that I turned to for poly support turned out to be the husbands of the women my ex has been talking to. I mean, really? What are the fucking odds?! Ridiculously small.)
Don’t get me wrong. There have been tears and a few minor panic attacks, but just for the first two days, and not near as much as I expected (or feared).
No panic today. Few tears.
A lot of strength. In fact I realized today that I am incredibly strong. All my support network have told me this again and again, and today I completely believe them. Not only am I strong, but I realized that I’m also a pretty incredible woman. Intense, sure. Emotional and passionate, definitely. But I’m not apologizing for that anymore. It takes a strong man to be with me, and I’m no longer going to minimize myself. There is strength in tears. There is strength in facing fears. There is incredible strength inside me.
Here I am. Standing on my own two feet, knowing I made the right choice by standing up for my self-respect. If its over, then it’s over. But I still hope it’s not. Because now we can come back together in love and there will be much less anxiety on my end, knowing I won’t be crippled if/when it ends. I know I will be okay because I am okay today.
Here is the strong woman you want, sweetheart. Who would’ve guessed it was me all the time? Thank you for showing me just how strong I am. I am so grateful for the time and love we’ve shared, and I so hope we can share more time and love and still grow together and learn together. I’m a better woman today because of you, my love. I’m healthier and more fit. And I’m stronger. So much stronger.
Too late for us, my sweet auctioneer? I hope not. But if so, I’m okay.
Sad. Regretting our fears got the better of us. Wishing I would’ve handled things better.
Missing you. Loving you…but not broken.
Really remarkably fucking okay.
I took care of me, for a change, and it feels great!
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~ by omgrey on February 19, 2012.
Posted in Lost in the Aether
Tags: author, broken heart, fear, grief, healing, heartbroken, honesty, intimacy, love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, paranormal romance, passion, polyamory, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex, shattered, strength, strong