Polyamory Podcast Hiatus

UPDATE 3/22/13 — this post has become more about an index for the Austin Poly Rapist saga and a resource for those trapped with sociopaths, commitmentphobes, and other abusers/predators. Here you can see the transition between the love bombing of the narcissist/sociopath and the horrific damage caused and aftermath. You can learn how to get out of it, how to heal, resources for support, and more.

May you find peace…

-_Q

Original May 2012 post:
Forgive me, dear readers and listeners.

I will be taking at least a month-long hiatus from podcasting the relationship essays. The next ones in the queue are from early this year when things were blissful with the auctioneer, before I was aware of the underlying abuse I’ve discussed at length in the past months since the split (i.e. devaluing and discarding). As I’ve said and read about again and again, narcissists are extremely convincing.

It is still far too painful and the betrayal too fresh to read those posts and relive the gorgeous dream that turned into a horrific nightmare overnight, so I’m taking a hiatus from reliving it again to care for my heart.

I hope you all understand.

It’s interesting to view the progression of the relationship, however.

To see how it can seem so beautiful and turn into something so painful. To watch how I took on the blame myself, even in the posts, and believed he was patient, loving, and kind. How I deluded myself those first weeks after the split. How my found peace was likely utter aftershock and near catatonia. How my readers rallied around me in support and solidarity through the comments. How I slowly realized just how deep the damage was.

Yes. He is a master manipulator. No doubt.

Yep. The cost of 3-4 weeks of bliss has been 22 weeks (and counting [edit: make that 36 weeks and counting. 8/14/12; um, 40 weeks. 9/10/12, but I’m coming out of it now, especially after what I witnessed at Burning Man. Yep. Done.]) of fearful confusion if not downright agony. Thus is the ratio of a relationship with a very charming narcissistic commitmentphobe. Please learn the signs early and save yourself the pain I’ve experienced.

The Polyamory Podcasts will resume in June, I hope. Certainly, I will be able to read them without tears by then. Right? I’m already close to that now thanks to the support of dear friends, readers, and loved ones.

Namaste.

.

*Update 5/29/12* — let’s make that July…
*Update 8/6/12* —-Um, September?
*Update 9/10/12* —–Yes! September! Poly Podcasts to return very, very soon…but in a different way than before.
*Update 10/8/12* — Okay, so not until October. I’m better. It’s been a long, horrible road, but the sun is rising now. More productive every day. Before long, I’ll tackle this podcast again, but likely won’t go through my Romance & Relationship posts like I was. Just chat about other poly/relationship/sexual topics. Maybe even have guests!

Also, I’ve updated the list of links above to include more related posts on the topic.

*Update 3/22/13 — 14 months after the rapes. I see quite clearly now that although I glimpsed “heaven,” it was a lie. Drug-induced lie, one I didn’t consent to. It was real for me. The cost for that brief fantasy has been over a year of PTSD, rape recovery therapy, and living a life of isolation and hell. Not worth it. Please keep that in mind when reading the earlier posts before I had detoxed from his poison. Also, the Polyamory Podcasts will likely never resume, at least no time soon, as I cannot talk about sex anymore. My entire view of reality has shifted, as you will see in some of the later posts. Such is the life sentence of a rape survivor.

Not on this list, many many many more post on rape and rape culture, healing, coping, and the like. Please check out the “Romance and Relationships” category to read late 2012 and 2013 (and beyond) posts.

~ by omgrey on May 11, 2012.

19 Responses to “Polyamory Podcast Hiatus”

  1. Take care, and rebuild. You have the technology. I believe that whilst no one is invincible, that conversely no one is beyond hope.

    Rebuild, reforge, re-emerge.

    • Thank you. Will do. I’ll still be writing new posts and publishing the Avalon Revisited fiction podcasts. Just can’t do these at the moment. Thank you for your understanding and care.

  2. I knew I had moved on when I couldnt tell you the number of weeks it had been because I wasn’t counting. Getting out of our own heads and helping others is a healing balm. Tears in eyes- me too. Catatonia describes me perfectly. Whatever it takes to heal ourselves must be done. Seeing them laughing with another woman, clearly having moved on, forced me to forget them. We are nobody’s booty call. Let us know that you are ok physically as well.

  3. Your a tough cookie, but your not made of steel. Its ok to take a break from this and heal yourself. Hopefully you have purged all the emotional poison he heaped upon you by venting it in your form. Now is the time to move on to other things and let the emotional scar tissue form. He is not worth the pain he is causing you, so let those who DO love you fill you up and make you whole. BIG HUGS to you

    Clint

    • Agreed. Not worth it.

      I have moved on, for the most part. The waves of grief come quite rarely now and they don’t last for long.

      I’m not over him. I likely won’t be for another six months. And by “over” him I mean to say that I’m not yet indifferent to him. Seeing him would upset me. Hearing from him upsets me. Hearing about him upsets me. Reliving it upsets me, which is why I’m not doing these podcasts yet.

      I love him, no doubt, and I likely always will on some level. I don’t really fall out of love. Especially one that got in so deep.

      I’m really doing quite well.

  4. […] was so hoping to be back to recording the Polyamory Podcasts by now, but I’m still not ready to go there. I’m feeling so much better over all. Truly. I do […]

  5. […] As much as I’d like to tell everyone exactly what he did to me and show everyone what he’s capable of, it’s not safe for me to post that here in detail. And If I’ve become anything through this ordeal, it’s self-protective. I have alluded to the assaults before in poetry as well as other blog posts, so you can look there i…. […]

  6. […] my case, I’ve been very *very* transparent and honest on this blog regarding the events without going into graphic detail in such a public forum (although I have on other rape survivor […]

  7. Have you considered having guest podcasters read and comment on these essays for the podcast? That way you can get by them without having to re-live the experience so fully.

    And it will keep your podcast from becoming another casualty to a bad relationship. Just a thought.

    Doc

    • I LOVE this idea, Doc!

      Would you like to start?!🙂

      You’re right, there have been far too many casualties to this, the most recent being my Olivia Grey FB profile.

      • I’d be happy to help, although right now my first priority is getting my own MoPO contribution ready to turn over to Tee and Pip. Send me and e-mail with the name of the essay you need me to read and any other notes and I’ll get it into work as soon as I can.

        Doc

  8. […] is why I write about my personal experiences publicly, not only to process and heal myself, but to give others the sense that they are not alone. When I […]

  9. […] can follow my journey with the links from the post called Polyamory Podcast Hiatus, also anything with the tag “austin poly rapist.” It’s an interesting one, and […]

  10. […] can follow my journey with the links from the post called Polyamory Podcast Hiatus, also anything with the tag “austin poly rapist.” It’s an interesting one, and it might be […]

  11. […] response in cases of PTSD and Rape Trauma Syndrome. Because of the type of rape and betrayal by The Rapist, aka Austin Poly Rapist, since he used intimacy and love as weapons, since the rape of my body was the least damaging thing […]

  12. […] still in recovery from the rapes last year, and I’ve learned how The Rapist’s (aka Austin Poly Rapist, The Auctioneer) calculated manipulation and covert abuses throughout our short-lived relationship […]

  13. […] in this blog, Rapist 1 is The Writer, Rapist 2 is The Musician, and Rapist 3 is The Rapist, aka Austin Poly Rapist. There have been many other sexual assaults, severe sexual abuse or harassment, and rapes over the […]

  14. […] Musician on the pages of this blog and in my award-winning poem “New York Rain“, and you can read about The Auctioneer as well, throughout my recovery in 2012 and in the poems “Look Into My Eyes” and […]

  15. […] bright, but after that second assault and discard, not to mention the third (The Auctioneer, aka The Austin Poly Rapist and The Sociopathic Rapist; or, for brevity, The Rapist), I quickly became a romance writer who […]

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