Polyamory Podcast Hiatus

UPDATE 3/22/13 — this post has become more about an index for the Austin Poly Rapist saga and a resource for those trapped with sociopaths, commitmentphobes, and other abusers/predators. Here you can see the transition between the love bombing of the narcissist/sociopath and the horrific damage caused and aftermath. You can learn how to get out of it, how to heal, resources for support, and more.

May you find peace…

-_Q

Original May 2012 post:
Forgive me, dear readers and listeners.

I will be taking at least a month-long hiatus from podcasting the relationship essays. The next ones in the queue are from early this year when things were blissful with the auctioneer, before I was aware of the underlying abuse I’ve discussed at length in the past months since the split (i.e. devaluing and discarding). As I’ve said and read about again and again, narcissists are extremely convincing.

It is still far too painful and the betrayal too fresh to read those posts and relive the gorgeous dream that turned into a horrific nightmare overnight, so I’m taking a hiatus from reliving it again to care for my heart.

I hope you all understand.

It’s interesting to view the progression of the relationship, however.

To see how it can seem so beautiful and turn into something so painful. To watch how I took on the blame myself, even in the posts, and believed he was patient, loving, and kind. How I deluded myself those first weeks after the split. How my found peace was likely utter aftershock and near catatonia. How my readers rallied around me in support and solidarity through the comments. How I slowly realized just how deep the damage was.

Yes. He is a master manipulator. No doubt.

• Kramping My Style
• The Joy of Sex
• Building a Romantic Relationship
• Primarily Secondary
• Facing Fears
• The Impact of Abandonment Fears on Self-Esteem
• Letting Go to Love More Deeply
• Put on the Back Burner
• Standing Strong
• Enlightened Relationship & Transcending Pain
• Engulfment Fears: Running Away from Love
• Breathing Out, I Smile
• Grass is Greener Syndrome
• Embracing Surrender & Finding Peace
• He Said, She Said
• Letting Go
• Creating a New Identity
• Feeling Helpless
• You Are Not Alone in This
• When Love Becomes Toxic
• What Are You Laughing At?
• Evolve, Damn It!
• Oh, That’s Right (poem)
• Pathology of the Commitmentphobe
• PTSD from Emotional Abuse
• The Problem with Self-Awareness
• Allegory of the Cave
• Authentic vs. False Self
• Look Into My Eyes (poem)
• Starting to Function Again
• Ethical Responsibility: STI Edition
• Silence is the Abuser’s Greatest Weapon
• Texting Fantasy
  
• People Who Hide Behind “Poly”
• How to Fuck Up a Relationship
• My Heart Still Wants to Believe (poem)
• Poly vs. Amory (serious rant)
• Please, No Platitudes
• Love Bombing, Sex, & Flattery
• A Fate Worse Than Death
• Cut the Double Standard
• Inside the Mind of a Monster
• Sixteen Years Later…
• An Open Letter to the New Girlfriend(s) of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde
• The R Word
• Out, Damned Spot, Out
• Drink the Kool-Aid
• The Power of Responsibility
• “My Friend, the Rapist”
• Safe to Burn
• Six Months Ago Today
• Responsible Community Response
• Of Grace & Gratitude
• Clarity and Consent
• Burning Strong
• Stalking at the Burn
• A Moment of Courage (poem)
• Courage, Integrity, & After-Care Respect
• Still (poem)
• Positively Sex Positive
• Exposing Predditors
• Falsely Accused
• A Fan Letter from a Rapist
• Ending Rape Illiteracy and 50 Actual Rape Facts
• Successful Polyamory, or Poly vs. Amory (non rant)
• Who’s to Blame?
• How I Became a Rape Victim
• A Rape in BRC

Yep. The cost of 3-4 weeks of bliss has been 22 weeks (and counting [edit: make that 36 weeks and counting. 8/14/12; um, 40 weeks. 9/10/12, but I’m coming out of it now, especially after what I witnessed at Burning Man. Yep. Done.]) of fearful confusion if not downright agony. Thus is the ratio of a relationship with a very charming narcissistic commitmentphobe. Please learn the signs early and save yourself the pain I’ve experienced.

The Polyamory Podcasts will resume in June, I hope. Certainly, I will be able to read them without tears by then. Right? I’m already close to that now thanks to the support of dear friends, readers, and loved ones.

Namaste.

.

*Update 5/29/12* — let’s make that July…
*Update 8/6/12* —-Um, September?
*Update 9/10/12* —–Yes! September! Poly Podcasts to return very, very soon…but in a different way than before.
*Update 10/8/12* — Okay, so not until October. I’m better. It’s been a long, horrible road, but the sun is rising now. More productive every day. Before long, I’ll tackle this podcast again, but likely won’t go through my Romance & Relationship posts like I was. Just chat about other poly/relationship/sexual topics. Maybe even have guests!

Also, I’ve updated the list of links above to include more related posts on the topic.

*Update 3/22/13 — 14 months after the rapes. I see quite clearly now that although I glimpsed “heaven,” it was a lie. Drug-induced lie, one I didn’t consent to. It was real for me. The cost for that brief fantasy has been over a year of PTSD, rape recovery therapy, and living a life of isolation and hell. Not worth it. Please keep that in mind when reading the earlier posts before I had detoxed from his poison. Also, the Polyamory Podcasts will likely never resume, at least no time soon, as I cannot talk about sex anymore. My entire view of reality has shifted, as you will see in some of the later posts. Such is the life sentence of a rape survivor.

Not on this list, many many many more post on rape and rape culture, healing, coping, and the like. Please check out the “Romance and Relationships” category to read late 2012 and 2013 (and beyond) posts.

~ by omgrey on May 11, 2012.