Falsely Accused

Trigger Warnings.

In every conversation about rape I’ve encountered in the past months, whether I participated in the conversation or just observed, there have been at least one or two men who claim to have been falsely accused of rape themselves, so their argument remains that survivors can’t just name names “willy nilly.”

I have a theory which I would very much like to explore further. Judging from my own experience and the experience of countless survivors I’ve spoken with in addition to the staggering rape statistics for this country, I’ve made the hypothesis that most, like 94-98%, rape allegations are true, not false. Studies have shown this as well.

Accused rapists often don’t consider what they did as rape because they can’t see themselves as a rapist. It has also been proven that men do self-report if The R Word isn’t used in the description, as shown in Lisak & Miller’s study reported in Meet the Predators.

Here is the problem with these accused men’s beliefs, which speaks to a larger cultural dilemma, society’s definition of rape is far too narrow. To be a considered by the police and society as a “legitimate” rape victim, you basically have to be this:

i’m white. i’m sober. i’m a mother. i’m married. i’ve never been in trouble with the law. i’m dressed in overalls made of the thickest fabric ever created. i’m wearing granny panties. i’m a happy and all around fantastic person. i’ve only had sex with one person and that’s my husband, after we got married, of course. i’m attacked by a scary, hairy, drooling crazy person, unknown to me. i’m scared, but not too scared to scream and kick and do everything in my might to get away. i’m raped by penetration and he leaves sperm behind. he’s got a weapon, a knife, and he stabs me somewhere. i survive. i go to the police immediately. i’m crying, i’m hysterical, but not hysterical enough to forget even a single detail. i’m perfect in every aspect of my life, even while being attacked and raped.

This is shown again and again, from the “Rapists Speak” Reddit thread to the victim-blaming questions to the way a rape victim is interrogated by police. It always comes down to the victim. If she fought enough. If she said no, and if she said it enough times with enough emphasis. If she screamed. If she struggled. Etc. Etc. Etc.

But what was also shown in that Reddit thread were men confessing that they KNEW what they were doing, even though they said afterward that’s not what they did or “you know you enjoyed it.” But they knew what they were doing when they were doing it, planned or not. Whether they went into a “fuck-trance” or whether it was premeditated. Whether they were “somewhat remorseful” or still beat off to their rapes.

“If the men who admitted to it on Reddit are any guide, no matter how they justified it in the moment, they know it.” (Source)

They. Know. It.

The problem in our society is that we can’t prove that. These men who self-reported did so anonymously. Many have since deleted their anonymous accounts. But they all know what they did. My rapist knew what he was doing, too.

Yet, I can guarantee that every one of those confessions and anonymous revelations, if asked by a friend or the victim or their community would say the same thing: “That bitch is crazy” or “I’ve been falsely accused.” Why? Because even though they know what they’re doing is “crossing boundaries” or whatever euphemism they justify their behavior with, their victims didn’t scream and scratch and kick and fight. Their victims don’t have a shred of proof but their word, and the rapists know that. The rapists know their victims will not be believed.

And they’re right.

I’m rather amazed that I’m still shocked to see things like this after everything I’ve endured and read over the past 8 months, but I was appalled when I saw this, especially when reading that the university was trying to cover it up: Miami University’s ‘Top Ten Ways to Get Away with Rape’ Flyer Fiasco

Included on this list is #5 Sex with an unconscious body does count, #7 Practice makes perfect, the more you rape, the better you get at it, and #10 RAPE RAPE RAPE, it’s college boys live it up.

Perhaps the sickest thing about this list is that it’s absolutely spot on. The only thing a man has to do to get away with rape at a 97% success rate in the United States is to rape. Even if there is video. Even if there is DNA evidence. Even if she is unable to move or speak because of a disability. Even if there are witnesses.

97 out of every 100 rapists walk free. free. free. free. Continuing to destroy more lives.

What they do is what works. They rape their drunk acquaintances because it works. They rape their drunk acquaintances because we let them.

We need to revoke the rapists’ social license to operate. We need to stop asking, “why do we think he didn’t know she wasn’t consenting,” which is the first question now, really. First as a cultural matter — leaving the legal matter aside — we need to adopt the stance that sexual interaction ought to always be had in a state of affirmative consent by all participants; that anything else is aberrant. If someone says, “I was sexually assaulted,” the first question should be, “why was a person continuing with sexual activity when zir partner did not want to?” (SOURCE)

Let’s look at this word “rapist.” Is someone a rapist if they’ve raped only once? If it was only for 2 or 3 minutes? If it was a “misunderstanding?” An excellent article in The Guardian asks the question “Who is a rapist?”

More often than not, we just say who isn’t a rapist. Deuteronomy says he’s not a rapist if you didn’t scream. Some judicial systems say he’s not a rapist if he’s your husband, and increasingly few say he’s not if he marries you right after. Cops, prosecutors, juries and members of the public who eventually get called to serve on them have myriad of unwritten rules about who isn’t a rapist: famous men, men whom you kissed that night, men with whom you (or anyone) previously had consensual sex, men who were going to pay you for it, men who are “too attractive” to have to resort to coercion, men who didn’t have weapons, men who haven’t ever raped anyone else and seem too old to start now… and the list goes on.

The truth is rapists 75-80% of the time don’t look like the dark scary guy in the alley way or the creepy guy drugging someone’s drink. THIS IS SO IMPORTANT, LADIES AND GENTLEMAN: We cannot tell if someone is a rapist or not by looking at them. Not even by getting to (seemingly) know them. They look like any other guy, even handsome and charming and funny, up until they start the raping.

We believe that rapists are defined by their criminality and that people whose lives aren’t defined by that criminality – be they sports stars, coaches, international leaders, whistleblowers redefining journalism in the digital age, the creators of popular movies or songs, or just the nice fatherly guy next door – well, they can’t be rapists.

Life, and people, are more complicated than that. The cute guy who let you cuddle up next to him during a movie becomes the man who crudely forces your legs apart and enjoys himself more when you struggle. The friend who you let stay in your extra bed becomes the man who shoves his fingers in you when you’re too drunk to know.

The hook-up buddy becomes the man who ignores your boundaries and your nos and forces open your clamped legs. The guy in your group of friends who you were laughing with half an hour ago becomes the man who walks into your room and molests you when you’re asleep, even turning on the light to inspect his work. The older guy who was nice to you in the afternoon becomes the man who shows up in the middle of the night and pins you down in your own bed with his body. Your loving boyfriend with whom you consent to sex becomes a man who clamps his hand over your mouth to stop you from screaming as he anally rapes you while in a “trance”.

Some of them stop when you cry, when they look at your face and see you feel you’re about to be raped, when you say no, when you push at them screaming. Others don’t. Some go to jail, but most of them don’t.

Some grow up and marry women who don’t know what they did, have children they want to protect from men like them, smile at you at PTA meetings, or even show up at your door years later to look over some storm damage on behalf of your insurance company. Some stop, some learn better, some spend years hating themselves; others brag about it, or self-pleasure while remembering it. But one thing they all have in common: none of them looked or acted like rapists, and few in their lives, unless they were reported, suspects they were.

In many cases, they aren’t the violent sexual predators you’ve been taught to expect and guard against. They aren’t always sadists who enjoy it more because it hurts (though they exist, too), but, at some point, they all just stop caring how you feel because that isn’t remotely necessary for it to feel good to them. In some way, they’re reading off the age-old script: sex is something you have that they want, and your resistance is just a barrier to push past– or the lack of resistance, even if you’re incapacitated, is acquiescence. (SOURCE)


False allegations have been cited to range from 1.5% to 90%, a ridiculously high range. Upon some research, the high end, a 90% false rate is from a “study in Scotland by police surgeon N.M. MacLean of only 34 rape complaints made from 1969-74. Complaints were labeled false if they were made after a delay. Or if the victim didn’t look “disheveled” or upset or seriously injured.” (Source)

Of course, as a rape survivor and the SHEER NUMBER of rape survivors I have met in the past 4 months alone, virtually every. single. woman I’ve met and/or talked to about rape since, I’m more apt to believe the 1.5% false reporting, and have cited that figure several times on my blog. The 1.5/1.6% figure comes from several sources, including rates of child molestation reports, the pedophilia scandal of the Catholic Church, and from the Portland police department as reported by the director of the Attorney Generals Sexual Assault Task Force.

However, that figure might look more like 5.9%, according to the Yes Means Yes blog and Lisak’s study. This study, unlike the 90% cited above which took into account 34 accusations, Lisak’s study looked at every single rape allegation made to an undisclosed US university police department over a 10 year period.

These reports were broken down into four categories:

False Report: After a thorough investigation, evidence showed that the assault had not occurred.
Case Did Not Proceed: Whether because of insufficient evidence, inability to identify the perpetrator, the survivor withdrew from the process or the survivor’s account did not meet the definition of a sexual assault.
Case Proceeded: Either formal or unformal disciplinary measures were taken.
Insufficient Information: The file lacked basic information necessary to categorize it…

One important part of the paper is the definition they used for false reports. They didn’t make it up. They applied the guidelines issued by that notorious bastion of feminist indoctrination The International Association Of Chiefs of Police:

The determination that a report of sexual assault is false can be made only if the evidence establishes that no crime was committed or attempted. This determination can be made only after a thorough investigation. This should not be confused with an investigation that fails to prove a sexual assault occurred. In that case the investigation would be labeled unsubstantiated. The determination that a report is false must be supported by evidence that the assault did not happen.

I will be the first to admit that false reports sometimes happen. Women, and men, for unbelievable reasons will lie about this, a morally reprehensible crime almost as horrific as rape, as previously mentioned, but our society, again, does us a disservice in reporting such crimes.

Each time a wo/man is caught or has admitted to lying about rape, it is publicized everywhere. Quoted and forwarded and pointed to as “SEE! THE BITCHES LIE!” evidence. At the end of that post that lists 15 examples of false allegations, fain-would-i-climb asks “Do you realize how men who have been jailed for FALSE RAPE have their lives RUINED?” right after saying stick to “Innocent Until Proven Guilty.” Um. They were proven guilty. That’s why they went to jail. If she later said she lied, then it points to another problem with the legal system, especially since 97% of rapists walk free.

1600 women are raped in the US every day. Do you realize how RAPE RUINS THESE WOMEN’S LIVES while their rapist walks free 97% of the time? A fraction of a percentage of convicted rapists are innocent men, granted, even one is too many, but to quote this fraction of a percentage as if it is somehow comparable to the 97% of ACTUAL RAPISTS who walk free is ludicrous.

Of these 15 examples over a five-year period, including one from an 8-yr-old, in three different countries, just under THREE MILLION women were raped in the US alone. Seriously?

Yes. Petty, childish bitch, indeed.

What people fail to realize is that false allegations ARE SO RARE, they make great, sensationalized news stories.

Rape, on the other hand, is so horrifically common, at a rate of 1600 rapes a day in the US alone, that it’s no longer reported by the media unless it’s high-profile, like with a celebrity or athlete or politician.

#1. Recanting is not necessarily admitting to lying. People can recant for a number of reasons. Outside threats to self or family. Shame. Bullying. The list goes on.

#2. Dropping charges is not necessarily admitting to lying. Victims drop charges for a number of reasons, in the cases of rape and sexual assault, normally because they don’t want to be retraumatized by the legal process. They don’t want to be victim-blamed in public, especially when there is only a 3% chance of success for them. They want to try and move on and begin putting back together the life that was shattered by their rapist.

#3. Unprovable cases are not the same thing as no crime committed or no violation perpetrated. Again, only 14% of cases ever go to trial. Most reports are dismissed before even contacting the perpetrator because there just isn’t enough evidence to win a criminal trial. And remember, rapists have gotten off even when there was video and DNA evidence and bruises. They’ve gotten off when the victim was unable to speak and unable to fight him off because of severe cerebral palsy. It has nothing to do with whether the rape occurred or not. It’s what can be proven in a court of law beyond a shadow of a doubt. And, as one of my rape counselors told me, the judge has to turn to the jury and say “if he thought it was consensual, you cannot convict.” Honestly? Even with DNA evidence, all he has to say is “she wanted it. It was consensual.” Even with bruises, all he has to say is “she liked it rough.” Even with video, all he has to say is “it was a game and she was acting like that as part of the game.” Quick presto, reasonable doubt. 97% walk free.

#4. Lack of evidence does not mean the rape didn’t occur. If even with DNA evidence, bruises, and video rapists can walk free, then the grand majority of rapes that occur, albeit the ones that are reported, don’t have enough evidence. A grand majority of the time women don’t kick and scream because they’re too terrified. They freeze up. They cry. They try to push away.

Doesn’t mean it wasn’t rape.

The sexual assault/rape spectrum is much broader than most people think. Too many still think of stereotypical rape as the only kind of “legitimate” rape, and it’s just not reality.

For every man who admitted to plying victims with alcohol, another simply held a woman down; for every man who professed to being so aroused by a woman that he “had” to force her, another admitted to molesting a woman who was unconscious; for every man that went after a near-stranger, another hurt someone to whom he’d been close.

The people who need to be educated about rape are our men and boys. They need to learn that sex isn’t a zero-sum game, it’s not keep-away or capture-the-flag, it’s not a thing they do with their genitals to the genitals of another person at whom they don’t look, let alone see.

It is something they can engage in and share with another person and, if the other person – the whole of other person – isn’t sharing in the sexual act, for whatever reason, at whatever moment, then it’s not sex. That’s when it becomes rape – and no matter what you look like, or what other good you’ve done in your life, you’re then a rapist. (SOURCE) (emphasis mine)


Likely what’s going on here is that you two have two different definitions of “rape.” Did you “accidentally” rape her? Did she check out? Cry? Look scared? Try to push you away? Say or indicate no, even once? Did she say “yes” freely, or was it under physical or emotional duress? Fear?

When rapists engage in sex acts without bothering to gain their sex partner’s consent, they are not “accidentally” raping someone. Rapes don’t come from miscommunication. They are not isolated, unpreventable incidents. They are a product of institutionalized, reinforced, life-long privilege. They are the symptoms of a flaw in the rapist’s entire worldview. They are the product of the way the rapist has habitually devalued women, laid claim to the bodies of others, pursued what he wants no matter what—and never thought anything of it because he has never been called on it. That’s not an accident. That’s a system. (Source)

The question you should be asking is why were you still having sex with her if she thought she didn’t consent or withdrew consent.

This is where personal responsibility and integrity come into play.

This is where some serious healing can happen for the victim and learning for you.

If it truly was a misunderstanding, then it is up to you, accused, to show some care and kindness and clear that up.

This person you cared for enough to stick your dick into is hurting. Badly. Believe me, women do not want to identify as a rape victim, something they’ve been terrified of their entire lives. This person is traumatized. And if you think of her as a person, as opposed to an ejaculatory tool, take the time and care to find out why. Take responsibility for your part in the “misunderstanding,” if that’s indeed what it was.

If you think of her as an ejaculatory tool, you have no business having sex in the first place. That’s exploitation. Consider hiring a sex worker rather then resorting to that. Have a little integrity.

Now, if you have emails where she’s threatening you with things such as “come back to me or I’ll tell everyone you raped me,” can mean one of two things, generally: 1) you violated her and her boundaries somehow, and now if you’re just tossing her aside, it’s compounding the feelings of exploitation and shame on top of the assault. 2) she’s manipulating you into a relationship you no longer want, but look closely at your behavior. Are you already fucking someone else just days or weeks after breaking up with her? Not a crime, certainly not, but rather douchbaggy and cruel and dehumanizing. Just look closely and be kind.

Still. Even if #2, she feels slighted. Why is that? Kindness will diffuse this in most cases. And by getting to #2 in the false allegations category, we’re looking at fractions of a percentage. So show some self-awareness and integrity. Don’t knee-jerk react and throw gorilla dusk. Be a man.


People seem to still be under the misconception that rape is “easy to charge and hard to disprove.” That truly could not be further from the truth, whether in a court of law or in a social/community situation. The opposite is actually true.

In my case, as well as every single case I’ve read about or discussed with other survivors, they were the ones questioned and shamed. Their rapist was embraced, that is until, in a few cases, he raped again. And again. And again. Finally, when an arrest was made, people started to believe.

How many women had to be hurt because the initial victim who spoke out wasn’t believed?

How many lives were ruined in part because YOU didn’t believe?

How many women were forced into silence even in the courtroom? It took a 16-yr-old to show me the courage possible. Thank you again, Savannah. Thank you, too, 19-year-old Chloe, who wrote on Facebook and Twitter, “ATTENTION WOMEN, They are predators and will show no remorse for anyone.” Yes.

There is one person responsible for rape, and that’s the rapist. “The vast majority of the offenses are being committed by a relatively small group of men, somewhere between 4% and 8% of the population, who do it again … and again … and again.” (Source)

It is time to name and shame rapists. Publicly. Or, at least, in our communities through lists shared by women, warning them about certain behaviors of certain individuals before they get involved with them, are alone with them, or even associate with them, because

Thanks to a widespread culture of victim-blaming and rape apologism, attackers usually have it pretty cushy. Victims are still not likely to report the assault and when they do they’re very likely to be blamed for it—an awful reality that re-traumatizes the victim and paves the way for future rapes.

So making the world more uncomfortable for rapists—letting them know that there will be consequences that include public shaming—is something I’m entirely at ease with. Especially considering how often women are silenced around issues of sexual assault. Sometimes that silence is enforced through a culture that makes women afraid to come forward, but sometimes that silencing is explicit. (SOURCE)

I can hear you all now.








Let’s take this one by one, shall we?

1. Innocent Until Proven Guilty

As I said last week, this is not a constitutional right, first off, so stop spouting it everywhere like it is. This pertains to, and only to, a criminal case in a court of law. This does not pertain to social structures, peer regulation, or cultural consequences.

This is not a court of law. This is the internet. This is society. This is culture…

This is what the 5th Amendment says: “No person shall be…deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law.”

He’s not being put to death. He’s not being incarcerated. He’s not having his house taken by the government. Due process of law includes a trial. And if he goes to trial, he will be “Innocent until proven guilty,” a very cliched way of saying presumption of innocence IN A CRIMINAL TRIAL. IN A COURT OF LAW.

So, the presumption of innocence is written into US criminal law, and it comes into play ONLY in the case of an arrest and a criminal trial.

So please stop spouting this cliche. It’s not relevant outside of court of law. This is culture.

People do things, and it is the community’s responsibility to hold members accountable for their actions and to protect themselves and their members from harm and to support those in need. That’s what a community is for.

There are consequences to actions. Everyone must face consequences to their actions, good or bad. Right or wrong. There are consequences, except when a community protects a rapist because it’s so immersed in rape culture it can’t even see straight. So afraid of “drama” that they shun and shame victims.

Let’s turn this around. Enough spouting cliches and platitudes. Hold rapists accountable. Make them respond to accusations instead of making the victims hide in shame.

2. There will be a Witch Hunt

Really a bad analogy as well as highly misogynistic. Thomas, on Yes Means Yes, says, “This use of “witch hunt” to describe a process of social transparency is misplaced. At best, it represents a failure to think though the meaning of the rather shopworn phrase. At worst, it is a conscious rhetorical attack, trying to enlist the image of broken limbs and burned corpses to churn up sympathy for the wrong side. It’s bullshit, and I plan on liberally linking this post when people say “witch hunt.” He continues:

I’ll tell you why: there are three components of a witch hunt, in historical practice, that do not fit an environment of public transparency.

(1) It’s all made up.

(2) Confessions are extracted by torture.

(3) The result is execution.

First, neither Agnes Sampson, nor any of the dozens of indicted coconspirators, cause the storms that forced the King’s ship into a Norwegian harbor. Storms are not the result of black magic; there were no “real witches” to find.

You can’t say that about rapists, and you can’t say that about rape. Or, you can say it, but it’s ridiculous, and you won’t be saying it here. The problem of rape in BDSM communities is not a natural phenomena like weather top which we simply assign a blameworthy cause. It is a problem of bad actors doing bad things.

Second, I have yet to see anyone advocate the procuring of rapists’ confessions by physical torture. In fact, my position is that all physical torment should be entirely consensual and the recipient’s limits respected. I think I’ve been quite clear on that.

Third, I have yet to see anyone advocate execution as a punishment for rape in BDSM communities. I have not seen that, and I have not taken that position. I am not the government, I don’t have the power or the inclination to sentence people to lethal injection or electrocution or to be hanged by the neck until dead.

When people talk about the consequences of someone saying, “so and so raped me,” let’s be realistic. They’re not going to go to prison, except in the most unusual circumstances, for the reasons I covered at length in There’s A War On Part 4: Just Us. Realistically, what might happen is that some party promoters will decide that person is not welcome and some people they know may decide they don’t want to be friendly with that person anymore. And my observation is that even that is usually only a very partial effect.

So that’s nothing at all like confession under torture followed by burning at the stake. (SOURCE)

Thomas. You are my hero. I hope to meet you one day.

3. No to Vigilante Justice

Again. We’re not talking about criminal cases here. We’re talking about social responsibility. There are no vigilantes dressed up in spandex and using never-before-seen technology to violently take down criminals. There is no sociopathic serial killer punishing victims that have slipped through the fingers of justice.

Get out of your comic books & TV shows, people. This is reality.

1600 women raped every day is reality. Someone has to stop this.

4. Defamation of Character, Slander, Libel, etc.

Wow. Am I sick of this one. These words are thrown around so easily, and so many don’t know what they even mean, let alone what it takes to win a civil suit on defamation or slander.

Slander and libel are false or malicious claims that may harm someone’s reputation.” (Wikipedia)

Key word there: FALSE

Again, NOT A COURT OF LAW, number one. Number two, not a civil court, either.

This is community.

Saying and writing things, even true, can bring about a civil case for defamation, which are extremely expensive and nearly impossible to win.

  1. Prove that the defendant made a defamatory statement about the plaintiff. A defamatory statement is one that damages a plaintiff’s reputation for good character.
  2. Prove that the defendant published the defamatory statement about the plaintiff
  3. Prove that the defendant knew that the defamatory statement was false. (Source)

That last one is the kicker. The burden of proof in a civil case is on the plaintiff.

Plus, the truth is a defense and sexual assault is a matter of public concern.

5. Ruining a person’s life

Let me again quote Thomas:

“When people talk about the consequences of someone saying, “so and so raped me,” let’s be realistic. They’re not going to go to prison, except in the most unusual circumstances, for the reasons I covered at length in There’s A War On Part 4: Just Us. Realistically, what might happen is that some party promoters will decide that person is not welcome and some people they know may decide they don’t want to be friendly with that person anymore. And my observation is that even that is usually only a very partial effect.”

And that is my observation, too. Some people might be “more cautious” or “keep an eye on him,” but that’s about it. Let’s look at me, once again. I lost every relationship except my husband. I lost friends, communities, my job, my home. I’ve spent thousands on therapy and moving expenses. I’ve lost my sexuality. My ability to trust or form friendships without fear, let alone date. I’ve suffered 8 months, and counting, of PTSD effects.

He’s lost nothing. He still has his “three wonderful relationships.” He still has his job, his communities, his home. He can still run on the greenbelt. He can still have sex and date. He doesn’t go to rape counseling 3x a week 8 months later.

I do.

So, tell me, whose life was ruined here?

What happened to me is the rule, by the way, not the exception. Cut the double standard.

6. People will just “cry rape” willy nilly

Yes. What a nightmare scenario that would be. Thank you, again, Nick. Here is a slice:

Imagine a world in which anyone could just, willy-nilly and without any consequences, accuse men of rape. Why, men would have an incredible burden to bear in such a society! We’d have to be very careful whom we let into our lives, and be sure that anyone we spent time alone with was someone we could trust. We’d have to avoid being alone with strange women, lest we be hit with a damning accusation out of nowhere. When going on first dates, we’d have to be sure someone knew where we were, and was willing and capable to act as an alibi if we got a strange vibe.

It wouldn’t prevent us from living our lives, of course, but some part of our minds would always have to be devoted to making sure someone knew where we were and could vouch for us. At night, walking down the street, we’d have to be careful not to enter dark areas where we couldn’t be seen. We’d probably want to do most things in groups of other men. In particular, those men who did get accused of such by a good friend or family member would have–justifiable!–trouble learning to trust women again. And of course, despite the stereotype that would develop, most of the accusations would come from friends and family.

In such a world, the prevalence of rape accusations would no doubt be incredibly high. I’ve heard estimates that, if such a thing could happen, as many as one in five or even one in four men might be accused of rape in their lifetimes, and even those men who weren’t in that large minority would always have that possibility hanging over their heads.

In case you missed the sarcasm and satirical tone in this piece, this is what women go through every. single. day. out of fear of being raped. And that last part, he’s referring to the actual statistics that between 1-in-3 and 1-in-5 women are raped or sexually assaulted in their lifetime. Again, refer to earlier in this very long post about just how often false reports are made.

The real nightmare here is that men would have to pay attention to their behavior and be held accountable for it, and for many, many men, that is truly a nightmare, not just a satirical piece of writing.

And it’s about fucking time.

7. Right to privacy

Again, not a constitutional right, although the fourth amendment “stops the police and other government agents from searching us or our property without ‘probable cause’.” Again, POLICE AND GOVERNMENT, not friends or rape victims. Your privacy in society is a privilege, not a right. That privilege can be taken away when you violate others’ rights, like by raping someone or by posting pictures of underage girls as “fop” material on Reddit. It is, by the way, an inalienable right to not be raped. Each of us OWNS our body. It’s ours, and it can only be entered with given and maintained consent. Period.

That’s a fucking right.

Now that all that is out of the way, let’s proceed with naming and shaming accused rapists:

I’m with Germaine Greer, let’s have an online database, or at the very least ones in our own communities.(Some sites that identify harassers. Hope to see this grow over the next several months.) Although, I don’t believe they should report them online instead of reporting to police, but in addition to. Again, this doesn’t ostracize the accused rapist, but it warns other women before they get involved. Greer says, “As it is we get nothing. They are still walking around and doing what they have done the whole time. There is always one guy, say at a university who gets through lots of girls like a knife through butter.”

With 97% or rapists walking free and with the average rapist raping 6 different women…with 1600 rapes every. single. day…we must do something. Please.

8% commit 95% of the rapes.

“Ruining” one life to save 5 others is a fair trade off to me, especially since their lives aren’t ruined but rather mildly inconvenienced by comparison. These accused lives aren’t ruined the way that survivors’ lives are ruined. They can still have sex without crying. They’re not in therapy for years with PTSD. They don’t lose their sense of self, their homes, their friends. What happens to them? Their dating pool *might* (and that’s a big fucking maybe) be slightly reduced. He’ll turn on the charm and those big blue eyes will tear up, and there are still plenty who will believe he is the victim in this unfair world.

At worst, they might have to be a bit more careful when having sex about “crossing boundaries” and actually have to treat partners like human beings instead of discarding them like yesterday’s garbage.

Boo-fucking-hoo. I really feel for your pain.

As the legal system continues to largely fail in cases of violence against women, especially in the cases of sexual assault and rape, we must take up the slack in our communities. We must be responsible until the laws catch up.

Let us remember that the following used to be legal until there was such a change in public opinion and action that laws were made:

Bullying is legal. Even encouraged. Boys will be boys, after all. And, didn’t you hear, if a boy is mean to you it means he actually likes you. Not to mention bullying anyone perceived as weaker than the bully, for anything from weight to skin color to sexual preference to body style to taste in music, and it causes numerous deaths and unknowable trauma in its victims. There is a strong link between bullying and suicide, btw, just as there is a strong link between rape and suicide. Imagine that. Maybe because bullies are often rapists, and rapists are always bullies. A bully is a coward with power.

Cybertrolling is legal, like what Violentacrez and other scumbags like him did (and still do).

Emotional abuse is legal. Many, many forms of Intimate Partner Violence is legal, as are many forms of Domestic Violence. And, as we all know, unless the bruises are visible and there were witnesses, it’s a private matter. Right?

Just like rape.

Let us remember the following is still illegal in some states:

  • fellatio & cunnilingus (often grouped with sodomy laws, below, which also include bestiality, and pretty much anything but missionary position)
  • sodomy (10 states, plus 4 more if you’re gay)
  • same-sex marriage

We live in a society where some states regulate what is and isn’t legal sexual activity based on your sexual orientation. *cough*TEXAS*cough. Imagine that. The same state in which police told me it wasn’t criminally rape because I didn’t *say* no while being orally raped, even though their own LAW says differently. So, according to the Dallas Police department, just make sure you tie up and gag your victim before you rape her. If she doesn’t fight back or *say* no, then it’s not really rape.

We live in a society where a man can confess to being a serial rapist and to enjoying raping women, “the squirming always made it better,” and people will thank him for his honesty and courage.

We live in a society where only coercion with a weapon is legally considered coercion, whereas emotional blackmail, threatening abandonment or some other emotional backlash, or just ignoring every no and pressing forward is actually coercion.

So, please, with the embarrassing failure of our legal system (97%!) against rapists coupled with the idiocy of some things that are and aren’t legal, stop making whether or not a man is prosecuted and found guilty for rape the line YOU draw. Crossing the line from consensual sex to rape is far, far before what can be proven beyond reasonable doubt in a court of law.

Until criminal law catches up, more and more sexual assault victims are turning to Civil Litigation, where all is needed is a preponderance of evidence not proof beyond a reasonable doubt. So the “she wanted it” defense, doesn’t work.

The great thing about Civil Litigation is that it’s public record with names and details.

Public. That’s right. Out in the open.

Which is where I’ve always been.



Added 3/23/2013: Why I Won’t Publish Your Comments About False Rape Accusations – excellent article

~ by omgrey on October 24, 2012.

20 Responses to “Falsely Accused”

  1. there is a movie out now, about the 3 boys who spent many yrs in jail after being falsely convicted in the assault and rape in “the central park jogger” case. (someone else made a full confession.) I resisted seeing the movie, as it appears to be focused on the horrible injustice, racial profiling, etc, that was done to these teenage boys. I get it. What i also get is that the chances are probably 95% that these boys have already had sexual contact with a girl/woman against her will, as most men have. So i dont want to pity them. I care not whether they define themselves as rapists, as long as they pay for it. I realize how silly it is that our culture and the men we know tell us they have never raped/sexually assaulted. Yeah, and i have a bridge in Brooklyn i’d like to sell them.

    • Great. A movie. “Based on a True Story,” so it must be exactly the way it happened!

      Now Hollywood has joined in making the RARE occurrence of a false accusation (& and even rarer that there was a conviction) into a film that rape apologists everywhere can point and say: SEE!!!!

      Meanwhile, in the time it too them to make and release the film, half a million women were raped in the US.


  2. It is a documentary and in a film festival so may not make it to Hollywood, but even documentaries can be edited, and have a point of view, of course. Well i dont think the victim accused those specific boys, i’m pretty sure she was beaten unconscious and 3 boys were convicted, while only one man confessed to committing the crime and doing it by himself. The movie is more a story of how the media frenzy was so great that the police and public were desperate to have someone arrested, so they did some racial profiling and arrested innocent boys.

    But i agree — very rare that the law or anyone cares at all when there is a rape, and since most women, unlike the poor woman in the movie, are raped by their partners, no one in our society really cares about those kinds of rapes. And i also agree, what a better film it would be to focus on all the males getting away with this shit, and how the vast majority of men sexually assault, get away with it, support ea other in this endeavor, and have made women internalize supporting blaming the victim as well. Most films have focused on one case, like “The “Burning Bed, “The Lorena Bobbit Story,” etc, so then everyone thinks it just happens to individual women. A documentary on the vast amt of men who routinely commit sexual assaults would be good.

    “War Zone” was a documentary made by a woman who walked through the streets of NY and confronted every man who sexually harassed her (made comments toward her, whistled, etc), and other women. She turned the camera on them and asked them what them think they had the right to do that.

    • That last one sounds like a great documentary. Good for her.

      And, yes, documentaries can be edited. There is a lot of power in editing. I know. I’ve made two documentaries myself.

      And look at the films that get made…the exceptions like “The Lorena Bobbitt Story,” and why? Not because her husband repeatedly raped and abused her. Oh no, that’s far too commonplace. It was made because that vengeful bitch cut his dick off. That’s why. Nothing to do with the domestic violence and repeated rapes. Not at all. That’s a private matter.


  3. […] really not going into the excuses ad-nauseum again. It’s all in my False Accusations post. To summarize: we’re talking about these accused rapists not being welcome at parties […]

  4. […] of sexual assault accountable, SOCIALLY ACCOUNTABLE, for their crimes. Until the law catches up, we must turn the shame onto the rapists and abusers where it […]

  5. I just want to thank you for this lengthy, awesome, and informative post. I will definitely reference it when speaking with/communicating with others on the topic of consent and sexual assault.

    As a fellow survivor I want to thank you for your bravery, your commitment to healing, and your desire to reach out to others. You are not alone, and because of your post, neither am I.

    • Thank you so much for commenting. Please do spread it around. I think perhaps ill take this in pieces and do a series, as this is very lengthy, indeed. It took me 8 hrs of highly triggering research and writing.

      So, thank you for sharing it.

      Thank you for reminding me I’m not alone, too.

  6. […] Falsely Accused […]

  7. Reblogged this on Rethinking Me(n) and commented:
    Everything about this post is spot on. I wish other men would take this message to heart and share it with the other men in their lives.

  8. Excellent and heartbreaking. 97%…

    Btw. posts with more than 12 tags are excluded from the WordPress topic reader.

    • Thanks for letting me know! I was taught to tag like crazy for SEO, but the WordPress topic reader won’t catalog posts with more than 12? Interesting.

  9. […] the rest of the article here…and read more on the myth of frequent false accusations here and here and […]

  10. There are a lot of positive things about this post that others have covered already. I wanted to mention something else important that is more visible from my perspective as a white cis man than yours, which is that I didn’t feel in any way attacked while reading this post, which I almost find more amazing than all the other great and necessary things you’ve said here. People of good conscience trying to *do* something about all this still frequently end up triggering defensiveness across, say, male/female boundaries when they’re speaking their truth, and whenever that happens, a huge portion of the audience is lost, and the message loses some power. And even if I know to watch for it, it is *so* hard to stay present with someone when I feel attacked. I do it anyway, try to stay connected, see where the other person is coming from, but it’s a lot harder. And being able to speak this powerfully and honestly about this kind of issue *without* making men reading it is a real art. I really appreciate whatever extra effort you’ve put into making that happen, and it means that your message will reach a much wider audience.

    • Thank you for saying so, Scott. I’m glad you didn’t get into a defensive space and miss the underlying message.
      Your comment today inspired me to read this post again for the first time in a couple of years. I almost didn’t, as I didn’t want to open up that part of my life again now that I’m finally functional, but I’m glad I did.
      It wasn’t as triggering as I would’ve thought, but it did make me very sad.
      It’s 4 years later, almost to the week of The Austin Poly Rapist’s assaults (Feb 12 & 16, 2012), so this time of year is always difficult for me.
      I’m sad because not too much has changed for me in that time of healing. Whereas I lost my identity along with everything else except my husband, I’ve build a new identity…but I might’ve lost my husband. The rape traumatized him too, and lengthy 3-year recovery took its toll. The one thing I thought I couldn’t lose because of this rape, I have lost, too. We’ve been separated for 9 months now. Divorce is likely.
      I have to be medicated for PTSD-caused anxiety to function, so I don’t spend as much time looking over my shoulder. Still, I spend virtually all my time alone in silence.
      I have made some new friends and sometimes I think about trying to date, but ultimately I’m afraid of people now, men especially. After the rapes and the way that community treated me, I haven’t been able to regain my trust in people. I just don’t feel safe.
      I still can’t have sex, even after all this time. I certainly can’t imagine being in a room alone with any man, let alone having sex, for I know first hand that he can do whatever he wants and get away with it. I know no one will believe me, and I’m not willing to risk another 3+ years of my life and thousands in therapy. Not again. Not yet…maybe not ever.
      So you can perhaps understand why I think that banning a rapist from social gatherings isn’t such a big deal by comparison.
      I’m glad to hear about the discussion group. I also suggest a planned course of action when someone does come forward with a report. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the way the Austin Poly Community treated me (and embraced my rapist) was **as traumatizing** as the assaults.
      Had they shown kindness and support to me. Had they believed me. Had they not called me a liar (publicly, no less)…I don’t think the trauma would’ve been this extensive.
      Thank you for reading. I’m pleased that my experiences and words might have helped others from experiencing the same fate.

  11. The sounds completely devastating. I doubt there’s anything I can say that wouldn’t sound trite. It’s clearly an enormous and difficult problem, and I’m glad I’ve seen progress here locally and also that rape culture and consent awareness in all of the major groups I’m involved with have increased markedly in the past few years. The benefits of surviving trauma, like all the amazing articles you’ve written, are never worth the cost, but it’s quite something that you’ve managed to pull so much from such terrible experiences. I know that I’ve seen my own already fairly feminist and liberal outlook shift over time in ways I previously thought impossible. Reading some of your work has certainly been part of that. I let one of the facilitators of the Consent Meetup here know I contacted you in case there’s benefit to mutual communication, which naturally is entirely up to you. I experienced some plant-based healing recently that was truly life-changing and is supposed to be especially beneficial for trauma. It also shifted my outlook in ways that helped me overcome some of my own internalized misogyny, which has been a huge relief. Everyone’s experience is different, but I have to wonder what the world would be like if everyone had similar revelations.

    • Thank you for your kind reply, Scott. It has been a pleasure speaking with you.

      I’d be interested to hear about your plant-based healing.

      I wonder what the world would be like in that instance, too. In fact I think there would be a remarkable improvement with just self-awareness, owning one’s shit & mistakes, and having the integrity & courage to apologize and make amends.

  12. One of the more oddly meaningful positive signs? This year’s Burning Flipside theme is “No.”

  13. […] several blogposts by self-appointed saviours of other women I came accross a blog that started out good only to end in recomendations that would totally reverse the […]

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