A Letter to The New Girlfriend(s) of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde

20120727-203316.jpgI didn’t write this letter, but I did put a personal contribution at the very bottom. This rather long letter below is taken from “About Relationships.”

Pretty accurate.


A Letter to The New Girlfriend of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde
by Dr. M. Analise Torelli, PhD.,MA,MSW,BS.

Dear New Girlfriend,

Let me preface this letter to you by acknowledging that you will not believe a word of it…just yet. Not for months, or even a year or two…or three…In fact, you may read it and go running to your amazing new man, your special King and newly found ‘soulmate’ for some reassurance that none of this is true. And he WILL tell you it is all a lie. He WILL deny everything. And I also expect that he will tell you it’s all the imaginings of his bitter ex-psycho GF. Oh yes, he will say, you are SO much better, his Princess, his One and Only Truest Love. And he will warn you not to ever believe a word of anything ANYONE ever says about him…unless it is all GOOD, of course! If you find out my real name, he will convince you most of all that you must never listen to a word I say or write, and that you should never EVER try to talk to me. You will believe everything he tells you. You will. I know. Because I did too. Once Upon a Time.

Right about now YOU, as the next one in line, are feeling like you hit the jackpot and won the lottery all at once. You could not be happier! You are happy, just deleriously HAPPY! You are dancing on cloud nine and ten and counting all your lucky stars. In less than a few weeks since you met Mr. Wonderful…online…of all places, you think you’re so completely ‘in love’ that you hardly know what to do with yourselves. You almost hold your breath until the next time you are together. He takes your breath away to just see that million dollar smile of his! Your heart just melts at the very sight of him. Already you are almost inseparable. In such a short time, days, or mere weeks, you crave him, and you are together every chance you can get. You have already been on some of the most romantic dates of your life in just a few weeks of first meeting. He is Romeo…and you are his new Juliet! The ‘ONE’…in a line of others before you who were also the “ONE’. But let’s not go there just yet. Let’s just stay with this dream for a little while. It feels SO good. How do I know? Because I was in that exact same Fairy Tale dream, not as long ago as you may have been told.

Right about now you are telling yourself, “Yes, but I am different than you”, even ‘better’ somehow. You say to yourself “I am the girl he always dreamed of”, and you know this because he tells you so. You are the one he has been waiting for all his life. The one who is so special, that only you can heal his troubled heart. YOU’RE the one to make him happy, his ‘everything’! He says it all the time. So it must be true. You know, without a doubt that you are meant to be together. It is fate and destiny. What did he ever do without you. You are his precious angel. It is the truly truest TRUE love story, if ever there was one! Even better than in the movies. He is your leading man. You are his leading lady. Your stomach is full of butterflies, you hardly sleep, you hardly can eat, and he is on your mind day and night. Well, those aren’t really ‘butterflies’ girl, that’s your ‘gut instinct’ giving you warnings. But you won’t pay attention. And neither did I. It’s all so deliciously GOOD!

Spoiler Alert: It feels SO good, because it is TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE…none of it is true, it’s just his Dr. Jekyl side that he lets you see at first. His best side, his ‘good’ image and persona are all he allows you to see right now. It’s his best BAIT to lure you in unsuspecting. Keeping you unaware of his true nature,…what you do not know are his dark secrets that he keeps hidden about himself. His Mr. Hyde side is the REAL DEAL and is saved for later, for when he grows tired of you (and he will, even if you cannot imagine it right now), he will show the dark abusive side only much later, when you begin to see that the reality and this dream are two different things. Only when you begin to question him. If you saw his real persona, the dark and dangerous Mr. Hyde side, you would RUN!…okay, you can go back to the dream now…

Close your eyes and count all those thousands of yummy kisses he has given you by now. Oh yes, if there is something he is an expert at, it is those kisses. (I will not tell you that they will dwindle and stop eventually. Right now you only imagine kissing him FOREVER and ever and ever!) Why! Sometimes you feel you can almost fly!, and you are probably floating on air everywhere you go. Your head is up there in the clouds. You see rainbows and sunshine and shooting stars. But you have no idea how thin that air will get one day. And I really don’t want to warn you. Not yet. I truly DO wish that the dream you are currently dreaming was as real as it seems to be for you. I do. I really really do.

It goes something like this; Every waking moment you have thoughts of HIM. Magical, wonderful perfect HIM. And your world has suddenly, VERY suddenly, taken on the rosiest hue! You are in Heaven. He is an Angel, brought to you by God himself as a gift, just for YOU! You must’ve been rewarded (finally! whew!) for something you did right. Your prayers have been answered…at last! He is a dream. A God. A funny cuddley snuggley playful little boy sometimes. How cute is that?! So thoughtful and loving and tender and sweet. So affectionate, he can’t keep his hands off of you. Oh! you feel so good and happy just to BE with him. And you tell him…and tell him…and tell him, ALL the time, just how amazing, sexy, smart, handsome, remarkable, perfect and special…and essential…he is to you already. In just a few short weeks. You feel you have always known him. You BELONG together. He has become your EVERYTHING very quickly. You have been swept off of your feet…literally! And there is your Prince right there to catch you! What a lucky lucky girl you are. Luckier than anyone in the entire universe. Lucky lucky YOU! You hum and sing as you skip down the street. It’s all SO hunky dorie wonderful. And the Tooth Fairy, Santa Clause and Leprechans really DO exist after all! Isn’t it incredible? This must be REAL love!

You are certain that there is no other man on earth more attentive and more of a gentleman. There is no one EVER who could be SO much fun. Everywhere you go he is always holding your hand, or his arm is around you and he is constantly kissing on you,…oh yes!…all those wonderful delightful sexy kisses. Again, on every street corner, everywhere you go. Nonstop kisses. You can’t get enough of him. Right? You haven’t felt this way in the longest time and never thought you would feel this way again, but here you are…already so deeply in love with the ‘love of your very life’.(in record time! WOW, is this what swooning feels like?) Am I right so far? He is just that special. He is already your drug and you are addicted to him, to his very touch, his stories, his wit and humor, his compassion, his utter CHARM…to HIM…the whole package. Come to think of it, his charm is so utterly charming itself, could there be anyone more charming than he is? What a Prince among Princes, and YOU are his Princess in your very own real life Fairy Tale Love Story. How do I know this? Because it was the SAME dream, the same Fairy Tale Love Story…the same exact things he said and did with ME. But don’t believe that. Right now, anything I say to you cannot be true. I am the Evil Witch EX who just wants him back and is sorry she ever left him. (NOT!) Isn’t this who I am in the Dream?

By now he has told you all the ‘stories’ of how his EX’s were so horrible to him, that they just did not appreciate him, and they neglected his ‘needs’ and were abusive and critical and made him feel very bad about himself. If he hasn’t yet, he WILL very soon. Perhaps right now he is pretending everyone is friendly so you aren’t scared away. He knows to disparage one’s EX is a big RED FLAG and on the list of things NOT to say to YOU!…Most likely he has ignored this dating rule though. You will come to notice with time that the ‘rules’ don’t apply to HIM.

Oh! how those witches, those critical nags, haranged him and took everything from him and made him cry. His poor heart was broken, stomped on and smashed to a million peices by those psycho bitches! Awwww, how could they hurt such a wonderful darling adorable man such as he? Oh yes! Did I mention that they all had ‘issues’ and too many ‘problems’ and were ‘bad’ people? Oh sure, they were all probably, just like he says, even ‘psychopaths’ and liars themselves. They just never could ‘trust him'(don’t ask yourself why that is just yet, it may take you out of the dream you are in! Blame them too! Cling to his version that it was ‘all their fault’) Yes! It must be true, because even his family is backing him up on this as they all nod in unison when he tells you how terrible his last relationship was…the one with ME…just before YOU. Couldn’t be the entire family is just that much in denial and dysfunctional…right? I can assure you they are all well aware of the trouble he has caused, but their lips are sealed…They have found ways to punish him and cut him out within their circle, but they will never let you know this…let’s not go there right now either. Right now YOU are the CURE. They are counting on this working out…THIS time he has found someone so special that he could NEVER raise his voice or fist to you, but if he does, it means you were not the right ‘ONE’…nevermind that if it doesn’t work out, HE and THEY will blame YOU next. You did not hear this from me.

Go back to the Dream…and your dream man…and those dreamy dreamy kisses….

Don’t you agree that it is such a pity that this perfect man kept finding Miss Wrong all of his life. I mean, the poor pitiful fella has just had the worst luck with women hasn’t he? He has tried and tried with those witches. He certainly has. He never gives up, even if it means stalking them…but that’s also for much later. YOU are here now to change all that for him and make him so so so happy! He deserves the BEST! And the BEST IS YOU! WooHoo! Yep! Never fear…YOU are here to rescue him and make him feel better. You won’t make the same mistakes like they all have made. You will treat him better than all the rest…because you are the right ‘ONE’. After all he and his family say you are SO much better than any of his EX’s…and you believe it. I remember this part of the dream too. When I was told that I was “a breath of fresh air compared to his last girlfriend” as they all nodded in unison and made remarks about her that I almost could not hear under their breath. Yeah. Poor Prince Charming. All of his Ex’s were just awful. So terrible. Just horrible. But too bad for THEM now! It’s their loss! It’s all in his PAST! He’s all YOURS now! Wheeeeee!

Well, let’s not burst your delightful bubble just yet. It’s fun for me to reminice too. To remember the same EXACT things I felt, as I write this letter to you. Oh yes, I remember it all too well. In exactly the very same way. And that’s because he did exactly the SAME things. Said the very same things. Went on the very same dates, to the very same places. Held MY hand in the same way in the car with the same music on too. Looked into my eyes and kissed me a billion times. Just like he does with you. Pay attention here. He did the exact SAME things, and I felt the EXACT same way you do right now. A couple of years from now, (give or take) this point will be important to you as you sort your way out of the ashes of your life, the damage and cognitive dissonance that you will be left with after the dream is over and you wake up to the nightmare you are really in. Right now there is nothing I can say to you that you will believe. In fact, you must already view me as the sour or bitter EX. That’s the role I am cast in now, in this story you share with HIM.

You have probably been told that the break up was mutual, or even that HE broke it off and he tells you he is sure that I still ‘want him’. Am I close? It would take a miracle on the MOON for him to EVER be truthful and tell you that it was his RAGE, his lies, his ‘keeping his options perpetually open, his words, his neglect…the hours on porn and singles sites, his abuse, his excuses, the cheating, his always blaming others…that cost us our ‘Dream’. The truth is that I left and moved so far away…SO far away, where I was safe from both his lethal violent side and his charm. I am not angry, and I certainly don’t want to be with him. Hello? Pay attention to logistics here and wonder why a woman would move SO far away and leave behind such a ‘wonderful man’, and everything she loved?!! I wrestle with myself not to say this. But the truth is that of all the people I have met in my entire life, I wish with all my heart that I had never met him. NEVER. Not ever. I could not mean this more. And because I truly thought I loved him once too, that makes me incredibly sad.

His lies robbed me of the information I needed to make the important choices for my life and those I love…his lies cost ME dearly. His abuse ripped my soul and took my health. I lost my confidence and my always cheerful personality. I lost the ability to trust…so much so that I became an Investigator to help restore truth in other people’s lives. He took from me what I deserved to know. That he was a violent man and had a record of abuse a mile long. I would never have had coffee with him, let alone give him a second look if I had known. And he knows this. He knows this about YOU too. And he will do anything to keep you from knowing the truth, including denigrating me and calling me a liar and saying that I am ‘crazy’ and ‘jealous’ so you will not believe me. I am risking much to try to save you. But you will only realize this later…later when the dream you are in right now comes to an end. I am sad to tell you that it WILL. One day it will. Because if it doesn’t, you will not survive. Either emotionally and spiritually…or even worse…physically. When you wake up one day and see the damage he has really done and does still to everyone who dares to truly love him, including YOURSELF, that’s when your heart will be broken too.

Another SPOILER ALERT: Now comes the part where you must wake up! But you can save this part for when you are ready. Don’t read any further if you want to sleep in just a little bit more. I wish you were ready for some reality right now as I would like to find a way to protect you and spare you from the destructive nightmare that your ‘dream’ WILL become. I wish your dream would last forever. You won’t believe this either, but I do. There will come a day when small chinks in his armor will begin to show thru. A precurser to the big ones. It might happen sooner, or it might happen later. The timing is not relevant. What matters is that just like everything else is the same in this dream you are in at ‘the beginning’, so will ‘the ending’ be…the very same…a nightmare. Perhaps some details will change here and there…but it WILL end, and you will be hurt. Your sweet and giving heart that’s so full of love and stars for him, so full of unabashed joyful promise, so innocent of what’s to come…will one day feel as if it has been broken beyond repair.

NO! you say?! This is real and it will never end. It’s too bad I feel this way, but it will never be like this for YOU. Ah! sweet girl, it will. Unfortunately, it will. He might try harder this time and do better. The dream may last longer this time with you. He may be determined that this time you won’t leave him. Rejection and abandonment are his biggest fears…right up there with exposure. But the minute you become familiar, perhaps a little boring, or doubt him or question him, or wonder and ask for some clarity about his behavior, he will begin the dance of devalue and discarding you. Oh he will NOT discard or leave you. He won’t break up with you all at once. Instead he will begin to torture you with abuse and neglect and blame, cheating and lies. Then when the push and pull, hot and cold rollercoaster ride he takes you on begins in earnest, you will feel it. And it will hurt. If you are anything like ME, (and you are) you will try to fix things, make things go right. You will lay awake in bed alone and long for him to return to that man you first fell in love with at the beginning when your dream was so new and so wonderful. But at this point you will rarely see him again. Instead, he has become the REAL persona that he IS. Mr. Hyde. If the lovely Dr. Jekyl ever comes back, it will only be at brief intervals, until he vanishes forever. Things will never be the same after this. They can’t. Now you know too much about him and he must be sure no one else will know. Now you become the ‘crazy one’ who ‘harangues’ him…and very soon you will be in my shoes…IF you can escape…

Oh, He WILL be Dr. Jekyl AND Mr. Hyde for you off and on, for a while…and then he will turn sour, sullen and furious!…and then sweet and attentive again, then suddenly rage, then just as quickly smile and kiss you, and then grab you by your hair and threaten to throw you down the stairs, then wrap you in his arms and say he is sorry and he loves you and it will never happen again. Then even the fake apologies will stop. Then he will be protective of you…then barrel down the street at 160 kilometers/hr in a rage when he thinks someone cut him off and risk your life. You will begin to notice that he is SO easily offended. He expects absolute ‘respect’ and to be noticed and if his ‘Dr.Jekyl’ act doesn’t garner the attention and admiration he seeks from others, then his ‘Mr. Hyde’ true self will angrily demand that they notice him! Did I mention the temper tantrums? Oh yes! THOSE! No mere 2 year old could out-do HIS ‘pitching a fit’! Yes! The tantrum part is a lot of fun. Very entertaining. He will whine and mutter and hiss and spit too. And when this happens, you will be shocked. To hear a grown man, nearly 50 years old…whine like a little girl, well it’s all so NOT pretty to see. This will continue…In cycles. Wash, rinse and repeat!

He will scream at you, laugh at you and put you down. The tantrums will get louder and longer. He will step on the toes of tiny little elderly ladies and scream at THEM in the street in front of many witnesses. He won’t care! His perfect ‘Father of the Year’ act will falter and he will rage at and hit his kids right in front of you. He’ll no longer try to hide it. He will complain about every other thing and break objects when he is angry. Then he’ll smile and make a joke. He will neglect you for days and then romance you for a few hours. Up and down and all around. Small things at first, then HUGE! He will make you doubt yourself, mock you and tell you how stupid and inadequate you are. He will play mind games in earnest and play them to WIN. And he will be creul. He will slowly, ever so subtly, erode away your dignity and confidence. He may eventually beat you and bruise you too, as he has done this in every other longterm relationship. But he has been in trouble for abuse and violence so many times now that he’s on the radar of the local law enforcement. So it’s possible he may not go quite this far…with YOU…as he knows the next time he gets violent, he will go to JAIL! Literally! But you will be abused. You will cry as much as you smile at this stage. Then, if you don’t leave him at this stage, you will lose that smile, completely.

Your health and appearance will suffer. Your relationships with your family and friends will suffer too because they will begin to notice things about him that they don’t like, and will be puzzled that you stay with him. You will reach out to them and tell them about some problems and things he does, and they will get tired of hearing it when they offer their advice and support and yet see that you stay with him for more. This is when you begin to lose your dignity. You will even question your own sanity to stay with this man, who once was your Prince, who’s issues clearly go beyond the problems of someone who told you he maybe “wasn’t perfect” sometimes.

He will eventually be who he IS. Nothing you can do will prevent his eventual transformation back into ‘Mr. Hyde’. He IS a very unstable, angry, violent and selfish man with a personality disorder and character flaws that you cannot heal. And being with him will destabalize YOUR life, even your children’s lives and affect them!… If you don’t believe this right now, promise yourself that you will get out immediately at the first sign that what I am telling you is true…For THEIR sake, if you can’t leave him for YOURS! After quite a while of this stage, when you keep trying harder to please him…meeting all his needs…you will notice he will be up all night,…night after night on porn for hours. Hours and hours and hours. Looking like an absolute BOZO the CLOWN totally oblivious you are standing thereas he’s stupidly staring at, talking to and masturbating to some naked women on a computer screen with his pants around his ankles. Just like some common heavy breathing pervert. Yep! That’s the same Prince Charming you are with…right this minute! Take a good look! Not quite the picture of who he seems to be right now, is it? There will be hang up calls and calls from Other Women asking for him and wondering who you are? You will begin to recognize the signs of deceit,(such as, leaving in the morning wearing his ‘special underwear and after-shave on Tuesdays and Thursdays and returning home smelling like…well…SEX…later ) You WILL begin to notice things are a becoming a little ‘different’, even though he is well practiced at hiding and denying that he cheats…And DO listen girl. No matter what he says, how he lies, how he denies…he DOES cheat. And he WILL eventually cheat on YOU.

Oh yes, sorry to let you in on his dirty little secret life so soon. You see, no amount of your ‘trying’ and loving him really really good and really really hard,…will change this about him. Eventually he WILL seek more attention from others. It does not matter how pretty you are, or what a good cook you are, or how sexy and wonderful you are in bed or in the kitchen. It doesn’t matter if you are as gorgeous as ‘Hollie Berri’ or ‘Elizabeth Hurley’ and ‘Christie Brinkley’. Being one of the prettiest, smartest and wealthiest, most talented women in the world won’t spare you or make you more special to him…later…when the newness wears off…and it will!. It won’t matter if you dye your hair like mine and make yourself over to look like ME! (nice try BTW, coz now you kinda look like my cousin) His need for attention and validation is endless and vast and no one woman can fill him up…right now he assures you that you are all he needs…but it’s just another one of his lies.

There is so much more to tell you, but I will spare you the rest, I think you have heard enough to figure your way out, eventually…when you need to save yourself! I can only hope that you have paid attention. But I’m fairly certain that you won’t, just like I wouldn’t have either. Right now you love this Fairy Tale True Love Story and imagine with all your might that you really truly love him. That what you have with him was ‘meant to be’. You have no idea that the man you love right now does not exist. You will cling to this ‘dream’…and HIM for dear life.

You think he loves you. He tells you he loves you SO much. You believe it with all of your heart. And it is so sad for me to tell you this too, but he does NOT know how to love anything or ANYONE…but himself. He can sure fake it to be even better than the real thing though! He is not really Prince Charming, andmore than a Narcissist. Because he is also violent and has been in trouble with the law so many times, because of this he is technically classified as a Psychopath. I can assure you that he is dangerous, in SO many ways. Your spirit, soul…heart and body are in mortal danger, the longer you are with him. So please. Just for a moment, stop to ponder this. Right now, He has convinced you…ever so swiftly…engaged you SO fast…bonded with you so tightly…WHY the rush?, is it because you and HE are just that special? Is there really such a thing as ‘fate’? Or was it his intention to romance you so quickly that your head would be in the clouds and you would not pay attention to those ‘Red Flags’..in hopes that you might never find out the truth that this ‘dream’ he created for you was well practiced with all the manipulations he perfected on the “ONE”s before you. He hopes you will not see these truths about HIM. The truth is that you are really in a nightmare and you won’t know it….until the damage is done and it’s too late for you too…

That’s one truth I hope with all my heart…that doesn’t turn out to be true…

The EX-Girlfriend


Go to the original site for a reading list to help you spot the psychopath.

Also, if you’re one of my ex’s “three wonderful relationships” or someone even newer than that, for he must already be bored with them (or soon will be: 80+ women in 15 yrs), add the following onto the dream described above:

  • multiple energy orgasms
  • big blue eyes crying about how much he hopes his ex is okay
  • how all his exes couldn’t deal with the non monogamy because of their jealousy, how they wanted “all of this” for themselves, but you’re different
  • body buzz
  • “are you here yet?”
  • telling you that although he has other GFs, this bond is deeper and more special. In fact, he doesn’t even know why he stays in that other relationship because he’s not turned on by her and often feels obligated to have sex with her. He cant be vulnerable with her and she just won’t open up to him. But, he decides, he’ll keep her around because he wants the “option to be sexual with her when he wants to be” (and, yes, he really said that. And, yes, he’s still with her.)
  • “spiritual” sex unlike that you’ve ever known
  • Look Into My Eyes
  • lapping up your nectar while still maintaining eye contact
  • telling you how yummy you are
  • how great your communication is
  • how your souls come out between you and merge

It’s all a lie…

By the time he’s telling you “I love you” several times a day, how he adores you and is crazy about you and is attached to you. When he starts missing you when you’re not there. When he says he’s happier when you’re around than when he’s alone, which is so scary for someone as independent as he is…when these things happen, the end is nigh.

As for when you wake up to see the monster one day, and you will (you’ve likely already seen glimpses that you’ve dismissed) replace the physical violence described above with this:

  • if you ever dare to question him while he’s on an ego high, expect to be punished by rape, just on this side of the law so you cant actually do anything***, followed by the coldest cruelty you’ve ever experienced, devaluing and discarding, after a second sadistic sexual assault, that is. It’s truly horrifying when he finally let’s you show emotion, how much he gets off on the pain he’s causing. Truly horrifying.

Just keep admiring him, worshipping him, letting him do whatever he wants whenever he wants no matter who it hurts or humiliates, praising him, fucking him on his terms, pretending that you don’t see the Jekyll & Hyde behavior, pretending that you’re not aware of the increasingly overt emotional abuse, pretending that you don’t see the drastic personality shift the moment he’s no longer in “romantic mode,” excuse away how he can only truly be himself through sex (ignore that it’s a dissociative state common to severe sex addiction), pretend that its okay he deceived you about his STD weeks or months because it’s such a low risk of transmission he’s justified in making that decision for you, let him blame you for everything because it could never, ever be his fault or responsibility, let him put you on the back burner while he looks for something new and better, dehumanizing you because you have the audacity to have fears and insecurities and doubts and misunderstandings, accepting the scraps he throws your way, and you’ll be just fine.

You might even last a year that way. Or if you’re really, really unfortunate, three. And by that time, you’ll be so completely trauma-bonded and brainwashed into his reality, you’ll let him keep you on the side tossing scraps your way now and again. And although you’ll try to get away to heal, he won’t let you by that point. He’ll convince you to take the “love” on his terms, making you watch him fall “in love” again and again with new replacements, always keeping his reserve supply (you) on hand in case one of them has the audacity to tell him they felt neglected one night.

Just to be extra safe, open your legs for him if you must, but don’t open your heart to him and for God’s sake don’t open your soul.

But I don’t blame you for believing. I really don’t. He’s *very* convincing and skilled at what he does.

When your life has been shattered and he’s off to find his new, better victim who is “100% genuinely happy all the time,” I’ll be here to help show you how to pick up the pieces. Please don’t hesitate to contact me then.

One of the *many* “crazy” exes

(Um, not the one who threatened to burn his apt down, who he had to call the cops on. No, not that “crazy” ex.)

(Oh! And not the “crazy” ex who has been his “stalker” for 5 years…just to be clear)


***but just because he didn’t cross the legal line doesn’t mean you weren’t assaulted. Don’t let him explain it away or justify it by saying “I hope it’s okay if i got a little rough” after the assault. After you froze in shock at the sexualized aggression. After he crossed specific boundaries you had in place. After you tried to get him to stop or not be so violent. That’s assault. That’s rape.

And if you’re openly crying and terrified and he doesn’t stop and console you, then it’s at best emotional sadism and at worst sexual assault.

If you feel violated or assaulted, talk to a rape crisis center and tell them what happened. File a police report anyway. I did. For both instances. Then they can see a pattern of behavior. Stand up for yourself and your body.

~ by omgrey on August 3, 2012.

36 Responses to “A Letter to The New Girlfriend(s) of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde”

  1. […] An Open Letter to the New Girlfriend(s) of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde […]

  2. I’ve dated a girl like this, just so it’s not all about Bad Men.

    There are Bad People who are fucking nuts who we somehow love though we realize later what a horrific mistake it was.


    • No. It’s about bad people. Male or female. It’s about abusers and manipulators who think that good people’s hearts and souls are a game to be played and won and controlled.

      I’m sorry to hear you had to go through it. No one really understands the devastation until they’ve experienced it.

    • Yeah no this is male behavior. NAMALT won’t help you here.

  3. I am so sad and blown away by this. So terribly sorry to hear that this happened to you. I had no idea. I can only imagine the destruction and desolation inside you…. My heart goes out to you. It is so terrible that this is so common.
    Working with one’s own issues should be the first priority of anyone wanting to engage in relationship. It is so sad how many of us try and fail for lack of insight or perspective. I thank you for your courage and honesty in sharing this; it is important to evaluate our own actions in relationship and remain open to the mystery of being with another. But we can only do so through introspection and communication. Reading about this kind of abuse, though difficult and unpleasant, can open the door for both.


    • Agreed, and thank you for your kindness and compassion.

      The letter itself, of course, was written by someone else, but it fits in so many ways. Speaking of compassion, or the complete lack thereof, my rapist got his GFs and friends to come and comment how ridiculous and crazy I was on this post back in Aug. I deleted them all, of course, and forwarded them to my lawyer. This was before he tried to confront me during a sexual assault seminar at Burning Man and started stalking me there. Yep. Nice guy.

      Introspection, communication, compassion, and responsibility (for ourselves and our actions, and to the relationship) is so very important.

      Thank you again for your compassion. It’s been a difficult year.


  4. Sing it loud, sister!

    I’m so sorry you’ve been through this as well.

    I love the idea that those butterflies in the stomach could actually be one’s intuition kicking in. Certainly the whirlwind should be a dead giveaway to at least be alert, especially if one already has a history of ending up with abusive men.


    • Thank you. I’m sorry, too, for your experience. Although I couldn’t read what you missed as it was too triggering to what I thought I had, what he convinced me we had together.

      But it was all a lie. All of it.

      Mr. Hyde is the true face, and it’s horrifying. I left the state, and I’m so glad I did.

      Peace, sister. In solidarity…

  5. […] letter below is taken from Caught in the Cogs (who adds a lot of interesting commentary that a person might want to be aware of), who in turn got […]

  6. […] I saw this post addressed to the new girlfriend of Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde, including the remarks that follow the letter, I couldn’t help but think of this one that I […]

  7. As an openly identified sadistic Dominant this entire discussion is intensely painful to read. Communication, self reflection, insight, and mutual respect are incredibly important in that area of life we call “the Lifestyle”. While I know that people such as this do exist and successfully prey on those who find it hard to believe such relationships can truly exist, (can I say, the innocent?) it is painful to the extreme. I know that exciting and erotic, mutually supportive and affirming relationships can exist on the edge of human sexuality, but for so many who do not know, THIS seems to represent what it is to be in a BDSM relationship, uncaring, narcissistic and destructive.

    Learn, understand, read painful letters such as these, be wise, but never stop going for what your heart demands.

    The Eroticist

    • Hello, Eroticist!

      Thank you for your comment.

      Yes, it’s is incredibly painful to read, and I assure you it is excruciating to live through. Shattering. Truly devastating unlike that I’ve ever known.

      It is such a shame that people get altered perceptions of the BDSM lifestyle, and books like 50 Shades of Grey certainly doesn’t help, but J. Q. Public is very far from understanding BDSM or even “the lifestyle” like swinging or polyamory. They can’t see the difference between being open and cheating.

      Those who prey on the “innocent” (certainly innocent relative to the predators) and the naive perpetuate the misunderstandings while exploiting and (sometimes permanently) damaging people due to their selfishness, pathologies, or lack of self-awareness/responsibility/integrity…or all of the above.

      The only thing to do is to talk about it. Continue to be open, honest. Continue to behave with integrity. To communicate. To educate. And, yes, to read painful letters (and blogs) like the one’s you’ll find here and heed their warnings. It is far less painful to read about it than to experience it.


      • I’m very sorry to hear what this violent manipulator and abuser put you through. I dated a guy who was the non-violent version of this pattern: fell in love in a whirlwind, initially full of compliments, kisses, fabulous sex, and protestations of undying devotion. Badmouthed his ex’es. Had to keep his women “just friends” about whom he talked constantly. Interest began to wane after about 8 months, and he refused to talk about what was happening. Just started being neglectful when the novelty had worn off but when I was really hooked. Never verbally or sexually abusive, never ever violent – just lost interest. Dumped me at 13 months, but then kept coming back, flirting with me, toying with me, no doubt because his ego needed the boost of seeing me swoon. It took me another year, until he took another woman whom he again claimed was “just a friend” on a trip to Hawaii. Texted me a picture of their drinks at the airport. Very painful to be manipulated like that but that was what finally woke me up. Moral: If it happens too fast and it seems too perfect and fantastic to be real, guess what, it’s not real. Thanks for being brave and sharing your story. I hope that now, two years later, the pain has mostly faded for you. I found a really wonderful man – someone I knew I trusted because we had worked together. We fell in love slowly. Four years together and we’re going strong. Wishing you all good things…

      • I’m so glad to see you found a wonderful person with whom to share your life. Respectful and kind.

        I’m sorry to hear you death with a similar jackass as I did. Narcissistic. Commitmentphopic. Emotionally manipulative. I’m glad he’s out of your life.

        Apologies for taking so long to respond.

        May you find peace.

  8. I agree that continuing to talk about these issues openly is really the only way to deal with them – exposing the individuals involved where and as possible, but widely educating others in general about what to look out for.

    Fifty Shades is a mixed blessing. On the one hand, Christian is clearly an obsessive stalker, but on the other, there *is* a very strong emphasis on the consensual, and at the end of the day, even his worst traits don’t actually ever harm Anastasia, unlike what the typical narcissist actually does to his victims.

    I’m intrigued that it’s opening doors to our world to many others, that it’s removing the stigma of being kinky. We just have to find a way to communicate what is *really* healthy to those flooding in our doors.

  9. […] choice. Excellent because it is exactly how sociopaths and/or narcissists really act, the entire Jekyll and Hyde phenomenon that is present throughout the abusive and unhealthy relationship with this type of […]

  10. […] choice. Excellent because it is exactly how sociopaths and/or narcissists really act, the entire Jekyll and Hyde phenomenon that is present throughout the abusive and unhealthy relationship with this type of […]

  11. Accurate. Years later you remain unable to fully commit to another man. Trust is gone. And having raised children in this environment, they are attracted to dominants.

    • I’m so sorry to hear. Yes, the kids would have learned that’s what love looks like, unfortunately. However, as they become aware of this, they can consciously make other decisions. Sooner rather than later, I hope, they’ll learn that the spark of chemistry that feels so initially exciting is really a warning bell going off in their brain.

      You’ve endured so much. No one deserves such treatment. These horrible people leave so much damage in their wake.

      May you find peace.

  12. This story sounds so much like my own! I’m so thankful that I escaped his abusive clutches after a year. Now i actually feel sorry for the 21 year old girl he is dating. He cheated on me with her (I am 33 by the way). And I know for a fact that he has already cheated on her as well. Hoping she would stumble across this blog one day….as my ex is so mentally unstable, I would not put it past him taking revenge on me and my two small children should I forward this to her email.

    Lucky for me I have since met a wonderful decent man who has helped rebuild my self confidence and my trust in people. He has helped me realise MY dreams and is helping me reach MY full potential. Since meeting him, my health has also improved – while I was with my ex I have lost a seriously dangerous amount of weight due to stress and emotional abuse. Some may say that physical abuse is worse, but emotional abuse is just as hard – you just don’t see the scars immediately, and the scars take longer to heal.

    So to all who is in a similar situation as this, I do hope that you take notice of every word that is written in the above letter and get out as soon as possible and never once look back.

    • It’s because the scars aren’t visible that they take longer to heal. Without the bruises and broken bones, victims of emotional abuse suffer the additional trauma of self-doubt around the abuse and lack of community support.

      Thank you for your comment. I’m glad to hear you found a decent man.

      May you find peace.

  13. Reblogged this on Caged .

  14. Hi Dr. J,
    I wrote a novel reflecting on this topic once. And I would love it if you would review on it.

    I did a combine degree in journalism and social science in my undergraduate and it gave me an opportunity to research this topic in depth on a professional level, by my 2nd year in college. I was intrigue by the topic, after seen female university student in emotional abusive relationship and choose to be in denial.

    Later after graduating from university, I decided to write a novel reflecting on how western culture lead many women to be obsess with fairytale romance and its direct link to why over 48% of women been in psychical or emotional abusive relationship. Drawing upon works of relevant experts such as Sue Jackson from the University of Victoria (http://fap.sagepub.com/content/11/3/305.short) and Julia T Wood from University of North Carolina (http://spr.sagepub.com/content/18/2/239.short)

    Because, I think this entire issue have a very negative influence on the whole society. Been taught true love and happiness is romantic relationship, cause many women to be obsess with it. So, if she is in an highly abusive and romantic relationship, she is less likely to leave the relationship, due to been obsess with the romance, which lead to the high rate of abusive relationships. I believe the high rate of abusive relationship is also very bad for children, because they will grew up in the abusive household. I also believe it is very bad for men, because a high rate of abusive relationship, lead to people to be trusting to women who claim to be in abusive relationship, which lead to society to be trusting to women whom lie about been in abusive relationship, due to malicious intention. (I mean as a guy, this is one of the reasons, i don’t dare to get married) So, it is bad for women, children, their love ones and to men.


    • The grand majority of people do not lie about being in abusive relationships, nor do they lie about domestic and/or sexual assault. Many people are in denial about abusive relationships because they have never known anything else. Their caregivers were abusive, but they were also essential for survival throughout childhood. They can’t tell the difference between abuse and love. Often it isn’t until the trauma accumulates over decades that the person begins to realize. Trauma is cumulative.

      As for your idea that women are obsessed with romance and that’s very bad for men, etc…certainly the way women are socialized in this culture contributes to dysfunctional relationships, as is the way men are socialized. But to say that women’s “obsession” with “romance” is what leads them to be in abusive relationships is sickeningly victim-blaming rhetoric. Your further assertion that this “is very bad for men” clearly shows your gender bias and inherent misogyny.

      People who are in abusive relationships are abused because they are with *predators* — regardless of gender. These predators prey on those who have survived others’ treachery, showing them a kind, loving façade until they are hooked. (read about love bombing and the betrayal bond)

      I don’t review novels anymore.

  15. Looks like this is an old post, first I have read it tho.. I recently read one in a narcisist point of view and how they feel they can treat us nice people who love them and would do anything for them. It was an eye opener. My ex still throws me crumbs, trying to keep me hooked, we go back and forth daily.. He also has a new girl who he is trying to keep from knowing the real him.. I’ve already enlightened her some.. It’s her choice on what she wants to do.. How can I blame her for not leaving him wen I can’t completely leave him alone. Although he won’t eave me some either. I’m getting closer and closer as the days go by though. Trying to fix the damage he has caused by his lies and he emotional abuse, making me feel crazy, all the time. Tie heals all wounds in time..

    • I’m so sorry to read about the narcissistic abuse. The only way to get away from a narcissist is to go completely into No Contact (NC), so you can start to break the Betrayal Bond.

      May you find peace.

  16. That was soooo amazingly me! The letter ive been wanting to send for over the last year! If i could figure out how to do it, i would send it now! Not for vengence of any kind, way, shape or form but to save her from feeling the same devistating pain ive felt from him! Thank you so very much! It was like reading my own life story! Just amazing!

    • Thank you for commenting! I’m so sorry you had to endure such treatment. Only those of us who have can see through the mask.

      May you find peace.

  17. I read the words “trauma bond” and then the definition. I am in the midst of a relationship with one of these very strong bonds. I know it’s toxic and I have to get away. But everything inside of me is screaming at me to hold on! I’ll get my happy ending. Even while I read the words I’m in denial, that’s not us. I know with everything inside me that I will never love anyone else. Ever. Oh how fucked up is that! For Christmas I got dragged out of the car by my hair and punched and kicked in head because he was scared of me. He broke his hand on my head 10 years ago and I cope with it by making a joke about it. That’s what you get for punching me. I hate this pathetic,simpering mouse I’ve become. How do I begin to stop this while I’m still in denial about it? He has cut me out of his life so he can work on himself. I feel like I’m going to panic constantly. My whole body hurts from the constant tension. It’s my birthday today and I’m trying to make my life about me again. I’m to old for this shit anymore. Now I just have to make it happen. Live in the now. Stop waiting for the man I love to come back. He’s gone and never coming back. Only his evil twin . I hate love

    • I am so sorry to read you were trapped in this Bond. It is extremely strong. My advice is to reach out to a women’s center and R aINN. There is no such thing as too much support to get you out of the situation.

      Find any and all resources in your area or online and call them all. The more people you hear validating your experience, the stronger you will feel.

      May you find peace.

  18. Reblogged this on No Way Back and commented:
    Practically word for word (minus the violence) though the veiled threats were there. He repressed everything apart from his libido. I was in love with a shell. I look back and see it all so clearly. The hidden traumas, the fact I guessed his secret over 13 years ago. Me supporting him backfired immensely. I have never known such despair, such cruelty, such unkindness and disrespect towards others. I could write a thesis. Now I’m over the horror it is fascinating but I don’t want to spend my energy on him and his why’s. He had my love for over 20 years and abused it totally. He is now abusing his children through his abandonment of them. History carries on…..

    • I’m so sorry you had to endure this, and I also apologize for taking over a year to reply! I just saw this today. I don’t check the site very often, and I’m apparently no longer getting notifications. I’ll see if I can remedy that.

      I’m glad my words helped validate your experience. That’s so important when you’re trying to make sense of an abusive relationship and see through the trauma bond.

      I hope you’ve found peace.

  19. […] red flag is Jekyll/Hyde behavior. Consistency is key. Of course everyone has a bad day now and again. They might snap at you or […]

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