There are a Lot of Really Nice Rapists Out There


You think I’m kidding, don’t you.

A fellow survivor and friend pointed this out to me this week, and I was utterly astounded. Truly, I don’t know why I’m surprised at any of this anymore. Now, in the above clip, the woman is cut off.

I wish I could say I understood what she was saying…

I wish I could say that she was expressing that there are a lot of rapists who **seem** nice, but are really raping assholes. After all, if all rapists were creepy, disgusting dudes who drooled and didn’t bathe and masturbated in public before the raping started, we’d all have a better chance at avoiding being alone with rapists. Wouldn’t we?

Although some rapists are like that, most aren’t. Most rapists look just like anyone else until the raping starts. Sure. They seem nice. They’re charming. Handsome. Funny. “Spiritual.” Whatever…up until the raping starts.

But…she’s not saying that. She’s saying that RAPISTS have parental rights, and they should because “there are a lot of really nice rapists out there.”

I really, really wish I was kidding.

  • It’s not enough that our communities don’t believe us, embracing our rapist and shunning us.
  • It’s not enough that the cops minimize our violent rapes into some watered-down, understated sexual encounter.
  • It’s not enough that we have to go into therapy for months or years, losing our ability to trust anyone.
  • It’s not enough that sex is never the same again, and that we can’t bear to have sex that’s not exploitative or violent or completely dissociative, not even with our own husbands.

Nope. None of that is enough, is it?

There are states that feel the need to give rapists PARENTAL RIGHTS for rapes that resulted in pregnancy. Victims must seek permission from their rapist to get an abortion, otherwise THE RAPIST can sue their victims for murdering their child.

Are you fucking kidding me?

On top of being violated in the absolute worst way possible…

(Honestly, had you given me a choice before my rape to be raped by the man I loved and discarded or to die, I would’ve chosen death. Easily. Hands down. It is truly a fate worse than death.)

these states (31 States!) say that the RAPIST has a say in whether or not the woman, whose body he violently violated, can abort or not. If she chooses to have the baby, then THE RAPIST has PARENTAL RIGHTS to see the child. Certainly not. But they get visitation rights. Yes, they do.

If she gives the child up for adoption, understandably, as recovering from rape is often a life-long process, she is demonized for giving up her child. If she keeps the child, of course, all health care for these babies ends the moment it’s born. So there is the mother, rape survivor, with an unplanned baby from a rape, no insurance, PLUS she has to see HER RAPIST for weekly child visits. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

A few months back, I featured a beautiful piece of satire called “A Fan Letter to Certain Conservative Politicians.” Well worth another read. Scalzi hits the nail on the head.

Still think I’m kidding?

Read this: Rapist Who Got Young Girl Pregnant Traumatizes Her Again By Seeking Visitation With Her Child

She was 14 when she was raped.


He confessed, and they still didn’t convict.

This is reality, people.


The friend who alerted me to this ridiculous clip has a daughter from a particularly brutal rape. My friend nearly died. She had to give up the name of her rapist or go through the humiliating process of running an ad that read: “{victim’s name} was raped on the night of {date}, in or around first and main streets in {city} the rape resulted in a pregancy if you are the father, please step orward to claim or terminate your parental rights.”

My friend tried being an advocate, talking to senators and the like. This is what she got: “But they are the fathers.”

This was 18 years ago. Nothing’s changed.

Think 18 years is a long time for nothing to have changed? Try nearly five centuries.

Lord Chief Justice Sir Matthew Hale, a 17th-century English jurist: “In a rape case it is the victim, not the defendant, who is on trial.”


So, two women are abused every hour in Pakistan? 
One woman is RAPED every. single. minute in the USA.
SIXTY women are RAPED every hour in the USA.

When will we, America, say NO MORE to the RAPIST?
When will we, America, hold the RAPIST accountable?
When will we, America, support the victim and not the RAPIST?
When will we, America, not blame the victim but rather question the accused?
When will we, America, take the blinders off and acknowledge that ONE BILLION women will be beaten or raped in their lifetime?
When will we, America, admit we have a rape problem that’s even bigger than India’s? Where 1800 women are raped every day? Where only 3% of RAPISTS ever see even 1 day of jail time?

When will you, reader?

~ by omgrey on February 20, 2013.

34 Responses to “There are a Lot of Really Nice Rapists Out There”

  1. the ONLY way is to band together in self defense, w hich would mean violence of course. We can use other methods, too, as an organized but the best way to fight violence is with physical self defense, also known as war. This is not a matter of convincing people, other than to convince them to mobilize an army. I just entered a post on a BDSM website how “consent” is always accepted by the legal system as an excuse in domestic violence, eg , “she liked it.” Most of the men were writing about how the legal system says you cant consent to certain things, by definition, and these “dominants” are all trying to figure out a way to not get in trouble with the law if their “submissive” “cries wolf” or if the law otherwise intervenes. As if the law ever intervenes – -what a joke!

  2. i intended to write: the are other methods that can be used as an organized group. We can consult with feminists from older generation, or study, to find out what did or didnt work. One suggestion is requiring collateral before consenting to be alone with a man. Another is having a woman, from our organized gp, outside the door at all times when alone with a male, esp when being intimate.

    • Great ideas.
      I want to look into cultures that deal well with the issue and have a high conviction rate. Know of any?

      • I dont have a whole lot of info. I know t here is a matriarchal community in China — I suspect the sexl assault rate is low, there. I have seen research that even in animal communities, when they are female led, the violence and rape is vi rtually eradicated – -and that came about as a result of the dominant males dying off from food poisoning, leaving the females and more passive males to establish new rules.

        I also know that Scandinavian countries have a very good reputation for being progressive on these issues, and i did visit and observe some major differences in those countries, but i dont know the stats on rapes, convictions, etc. Those countries also have a philosophy that is often called socialist, as they heavily tax the wealthy, to ensure that no one who is disabled or poor goes without a decent standard of living. I think we could study how these countries, or that Chinese culture evolved, perhaps?

      • Scandinavian countries came to mind, as did Canada & New Zealand.

        China would surprise me.

        I’m looking forward to researching this more for my book. Thanks for the info!

      • Please keep us posted on anything you discover — so important to spread the word, which you hav e been doing admirably! ! I will be happy to be a resource if you think i can be of any help, with my experience visiting Scandinavia.

      • Thank you, and I will!

  3. I often dream of leaving the US to live in Scandinavia — but not only do i not do so well in the cold, but i feel an obligation to better women’s lives in my own country – -and i have seen the power of even 2 w omen putting up a united front. It is SO important.

  4. It’s ironic bec the BDSM community brags that it is “safe sane and consensual, ” even more so than general society, bec all the rules are laid out ahead of time, and their activities are done in public parties, with security present. I have wondered if that is true — less sexual assault??

    • I have a Dom friend who says that ALL BDSM play should happen in public. Period. If it doesn’t, then it’s a huge red flag.

      I have other friends in the BDSM community that disagrees. It does minimize sexual assault, I’d think. Certainly rape.

      Most rape happens when only two are present.

  5. True, being alone would seem to be the biggest risk. But i do read on the websites, stories of people who, even in public, go into “subspace” and are then unable to use their safety words, and things happen. Also some are encouraged to let anything fly, if t hey “are a true submissive.”

    • Bullshit.

      Truly submissive is not accepting abuse or assault. That rhetoric pisses me off.

      It’s a way for abusers posing as doms to normalize and minimize their abuse.

      • Oh, I completely agree. I was pointing out those stories as examples of people who are doing things in clubs or parties,, ie, in public, yet are still open to being abused. And if the abusers happen to be popular in those cliques, even worse for the victim — i t hink she will still be accused of “misunderstanding things,” you know….

      • I know you agree!

        The abusers are usually the popular ones. The charming, funny ones. The ones who throw parties.

        They’ll be a chapter in my book called “it’s my party and I’ll rape if I want to”

        It’s the mentality of these men & their communities. No one wants to give up their fucking parties, even when several women have come forward.

      • Right, it’s those “nice rapists.” I worked for the domestic violence courts and saw a lot of things, not to mention my own experience. People refuse to believe it’s those popular, sweetheart, men that can be the most manipulative and dangerous. I’m disappointed to hear that even when several women come forward, it doesnt taint the group. But yes, no men want to give up their privileges — they have to be taken from them. (Great name for your chapter, by the way — when is the book due out, and do you have a title yet?)

      • I’m writing it in May. Not sure when it will be out. Later this year.

        Not sure about a title. It’s about responsible community response to accusations.

      • Hey , sis, I’ll dance with you.
        Did you participate in Eve Ensler’s 1 billion rising?
        And i agree TOTALLY, those who embrace the rapist are as bad as the rapist in my mind. I’ll dance on all their graves. All that’s needed for evil to prevail is for good people to do nothing, as the saying goes.

      • Well said.

        Nothing’s as bad as a rapist in my mind, but those who enable him aren’t far behind.

        Re: OBR, I did on my own. Still don’t feel safe with people. I blogged about it on the 13th: Sexploitation & One Billion Rising

      • ok, i’ll check your blog. I saw Ensler speak about it last summer at the NOW convention, and dance with all of us. S he was motivational. But i would rather have been OBR doing somet hing more rebellious, en masse. Ever ything seems to come attached with the implicit message: “No actual males (abusers) were hurt in the making of this rebellion.”

      • That was one reason I couldn’t do it. Even though I live in a different state now, I’d see my rapist in any male dancer. He’s, I’m quite sure, speaking out on sexual assault & rape these days because he was “falsely accused” as a way to gain further trust with women for being a sensitive, empathetic, loving & understanding man…if he’s playing that game, how many others are?

        I trust no one.

      • My rapist is very handsome & charming & fun loving & “spiritual.”

        Fuck him.
        Fuck everyone who embraced him.

        One day, I’ll dance on the sociopath’s grave.

  6. Those kind make me sick. I’ve got a restraining order against ME for spoke speaking out about one of my rapists. In the simple-assault trial, the judge said that the rapist was so successful and i was so attractive, this couldnt have happened, essentially. All my medical records and witnesses of him running away meant nothing. (Of course he was never prosecuted for rape, only for simple assault, and that was a joke, but i pursued it because i wanted to.)

  7. Oh he was acquitted, and his lawyer had me followed, i was told, and even left a dead animal at my doorstep after the trial. (His lawyer is famous around here, for defending Mafia murderers.) But i had my day in court, even though it cost me money and now i have a restraining order ag ainst me, and what seems like permanent pain in one arm. But i dont regret speaking truth to power, not at all. (And thank you for your empathy — i’m sorry for what you went through, as well — what most of us,women, i believe, go through.)

  8. i was getting my car oil changed, and the TV in the waiting rm was running a graphic story about rape, so i asked the manager to please c hange the channel. A male customer standing there started laughing. I quitely stared him down and asked if he thought the topic was funny. He said no, that he was “laughing at something else.” I stared him down til his smirk disappeared, and said, “You better be careful what you laugh at.”

  9. Peace, strength, determination of purpose — all wrapped up one amazing package, that each of us possesses. Onward – -and love to you!

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