Embracing Surrender & Finding Peace

And so it’s happened.

I get it.

It was on the flight from Atlanta to Dallas after a nap, listening to the gentle voice of Eckhart Tolle read The Power of Now. Words I’ve heard him read countless times, for I always listen to Tolle when I go for a run or in times of anxiety, if I wasn’t too far gone in the fear to remember to listen. I’ve heard his words again and again, but this time I truly heard the words. I felt them cause a shift in my consciousness, and I was overcome with a deep sense of peace.

Surrender.

Surrender to the pain. Go into it. Don’t try to avoid it or deny it, for that causes more pain. In fact, these were the exact words I said to my beloved last week. I knew that was required to transcend pain, but I didn’t realize until that moment on the plane that I had not been going into the pain myself. I thought I was, but I was trying to avoid it just like he was.

I deal with it every day. Pain, fear, anxiety. But every day I reach out to friends, old & new, to talk about it. Tell my story. Search for answers. Anything to find a distraction, to try and escape.

But by trying to escape, by seeking solace & support, I just kept the pain cycling through my brain. By trying to escape it, I was actually holding onto it.

When the next twinge of pain from the loss comes, or just the normal fears that pop up in the egoic mind, I will sit with it. Be fully present with it. Feel it deeply and acknowledge it. Let my heart break open wide and then be filled up and healed by the peace and love that emanates from within me. From all life. As they are one.

And by going into it, I will transcend it once again. Just like I did today.

This very thing I told my beloved we could do together, and I still would love the opportunity to have a relationship as a spiritual practice with him, today I realize I can transcend the pain on my own.

I found peace on my own.

My heart calls out to him, hoping we can share this new-found peace and mingle it with our beautiful love, but if he doesn’t hear…or isn’t ready to hear…that’s okay, too. I’m really fine on my own, and I know there will be many more tender hearts with whom to share this love.

I just really hope he’s one of them.

Namaste, friends. I can’t thank you all enough for your support and time and care over the last week. James CA & James K. Alphasiren. Jason. Thomas. Sam. Virginia. Keith. Erin. Gabe. Jessica. Dr. Q. Reid. Marcus. Michael. Spencer. John. Sweet Lazuli.

And, forever, Ethan.

Now, which is all that exists, I am so happy. So at peace. And it comes from within.
Breathing out, I smile.

~ by omgrey on February 27, 2012.