Pathology of the Commitmentphobe
Until last month, I had never heard the term. Of course I have known many men in my life that were afraid of commitment. Women, too. I’m afraid of commitment in some ways. And I’m too committed in others. (Maybe should be committed 
)
But while searching for answers last month after a sudden and thereby shocking breakup, I’ve learned some new things about people, relationships, and myself.
One day when I didn’t want to spend another day leaning on very patient friends or crying alone, I went out to Barnes & Noble to find How To Survive the Loss of a Love. While there in the relationship section of the store, I saw a book called He’s Scared, She’s Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears that Sabotage Your Relationships. Although I didn’t really understand what had happened to cause my recent relationship to crash and burn so suddenly, I did know that it had to do with both of us being trapped in our fears.
As I sat in B&N with my Tomato Basil Panini, I started reading. There it all was in black & white. It was as if the authors had observed our relationship, took notes, jumped in the TARDIS, went back twenty years, and wrote this book. There were all the answers I was searching for. The explanations of why he did what he did. Perfect descriptions of everything that was going through my head and my heart. Soon thereafter, I had not only bought that book, but I also got the authors’ first book Men Who Can’t Love.
By the end of the week, I had read them both cover to cover. These authors and their research helped me heal. I was finally beginning to understand what had happened, and I finally got that it wasn’t my fault.
Back during the first week after my breakup, I wrote a blog post called Engulfment Fears: Running Away From Love, in which I expressed just how ridiculous that fear was (along with how its polar opposite, abandonment fears, were also absurd). One commenter said I had totally missed the mark on that post. And he was right. I did. I had no idea that this level of commitment fear was actually a psychological illness, a pathological phobia in many cases, and it makes me feel ever so sad for those who suffer from it.
From the foreword in Men Who Can’t Love:
Woman after woman told story after story about man after man who went from loving to rejecting–for no understandable reason. These men were in hot pursuit one day and in flight the next, omnipresent one week and “gone,” “vanished,” and “unreachable” the next…
When a woman is involved in a relationship with a man who undergoes a transformation that takes him from attentive and caring to distant and hurtful–for no apparent reason–it’s not surprise that she typically becomes profoundly traumatized…
In fact, the intensity that surrounded their relationships was usually so overwhelming that the women frequently saw their connections to these men as something preordained and beyond any logical explanation. These men were running away from acceptance, love, and passion!
The authors go on to say that they wrote the book to let these women know that “they were not at fault.”
This was not happening to them because they were not giving enough. This was not happening because they were not understanding enough. This was not happening because they weren’t patient enough. This was not happening because they were not enough. This was happening because they had partners with serious problems, and any attempt to do more for these partners would only intensify their confusing behavior.
As I’ve written about time and again, everyone has fears. I know I sure do. And it’s in sharing those fears that two people can become closer. It’s in facing those fears together that intimacy can develop, and a couple can actually learn to deal with them in a healthier way and perhaps even transcend them. But in order to do that, one must first acknowledge their own fears. It’s difficult, and it takes serious courage to look at oneself and then to admit that you are swimming in fear.
But we all are. It’s okay.
What’s not okay is to avoid those fears, deny them, and allow them to hurt other people again and again. And that’s what these commitmentphobes do. They know they hurt their partners (and yes, women can be commitmentphobes, too. It’s stereotypically, but not exclusively, men), and they keep doing the same thing time after time. They keep finding new partners, jumping from one intense relationship to the next, leading each new wo/man into believing they are in love and intimate and special. Then they turn from loving to callous overnight, leaving yet another broken heart in their wake.
This is not okay.
A relationship with a commitmentphobe is both so deeply profound and transcendently loving on one side, and completely crazy-making on the other. They always keep their partners off-balance. As soon as their partner gets comfortable in the relationship, their phobia makes them create drama. Because a happy relationship means commitment. It means that they might not have a way out.
If his fear is strong enough, this man will ultimately sabotage, destroy, or run away from any solid, good relationship. He wants love, but he is terrified–genuinely phobic–about commitment...
As I read through these books, I was appalled by story after story of (mostly) men doing the same things my ex did, some to much more horrifying degrees. One woman said, “I was overwhelmed by the level of emotional intimacy he gave and expected. And I liked it–it made me feel safe and secure.”
Yep.
I think the most horrifying part of the book is when I read the section called “Meaningless Tears.”
At the very beginning–on the first or second date. [for me it was the 6th date, three weeks in]
And amazing number of women have told me that these men are apt to have tears come to their eyes early in the relationship. This usually happens when he is telling the woman some “sensitive” tale about his life or displaying his emotions on some subject…The message that is conveyed to the woman is: I trust you with my feelings, and I want you to trust me. She usually does.
I did.
That’s also the night he first said he loved me through those tear-filled blue eyes.
Hook. Line. Sinker.
Woman after woman. Story after story. They all “spoke to the same issue: an abandonment and betrayal of trust that had taken place in a relationship in which they had been encouraged, by the man, to expect tender intimacy.”
These men pursued. Convinced. Wooed. Loved.
Turned on a dime.
Then left.
Every man interviewed said basically the same thing, too. They all knew they do this to women. They know their patterns. They know they send mixed messages. They know that there will come a point where they will have a total Jekyll/Hyde transformation and turn from a loving, attentive, compassionate man to a cruel, heartless, arrogant asshole. They know they will break her heart. They may feel guilty, but they refuse to take responsibility for the harm they’ve caused. Then they jump into another relationship to relieve their guilt, believing that THIS time will be different. Always looking for some perfect fit that doesn’t exist because when the anxiety sets in, the smallest flaw can be an excuse to leave.
And they do it again. And again. And again.
These wo/men are manipulative and emotionally abusive. The damage they cause is very deep. They toy with their partner’s emotions, always giving mixed signals:
No matter how much these men and women claim to want easy, uncomplicated love relationship, on some level they are always creating conflict. These men and women will usually be giving their partners a wide variety of intense messages that can best be described as mixed or double. For example:
- Very seductive/very rejective
- Very intimate/very withdrawn
- Very accepting/very critical
- Very tender/very hostile
- Very romantic/very distant
- Very sexually provocative/very sexually withholding
- Very giving/very cold
…Your touch says yes while your words say no; your body says stay away while your eyes say you care; your tears say you’re sorry, but your behavior doesn’t change; your smile says you’re happy, but your posture says you’re scared. There are always two messages; there is always a contradiction. (He’s Scared, She’s Scared)
They are so deeply conflicted and severely terrified, so desperately wanted love and intimacy on the one hand and their pathological fears stopping them from keeping it on the other. They feel claustrophobic, as if their very life is being threatened. It’s tragic and so very sad.
Perhaps even more sad are the partners and string of broken hearts left in their wakes. These wo/men who have so cruelly been cast aside out of the blue generally blame themselves. But it’s not their fault.
But, as I’ve said before, my sympathy ends when your issues hurt other people. Especially when you KNOW your issues hurt other people. Get help. Stop dating until you can stop hurting others.
You know your pattern.
Get help.
Stop hurting people.
“Love and fear cannot exist in the same space” ~Unknown
-_Q
More research:
- Signs of a commitmentphobe
- Symptoms of a commitmentphobe
- The commitmentphobe
- Overcoming commitmentphobia
- Overcome Commitmnetphobia: Guided Self-Hypnosis
-_Q
oh, i feel like emailing this post or sending the book to the last guy who f*cked with my mind and heart. i still hate him and will never forgive him. i hope he lives a long lonely life, fully aware of the fact that he can never make anyone happy, the only thing he’s good at is causing pain.
Certainly don’t let him back in your life, but if you can find a way to forgive him, you will feel more at peace. Don’t forgive him because he deserves it, because he probably doesn’t. Forgive him because you do. It’s not about him. It’s about you and your peace.
These men are good at causing a lot of pain, but that’s because they are in so very much pain. They are trapped in and crippled by fear. It must be hell. So you can have sympathy for their plight…but have that sympathy from a very far distance.
Wow. My thoughts have sure changed on this over the past year. I was still so wrapped up in the Betrayal Bond when I wrote those words, feeling such compassion for The Rapist.
They might be in pain, but that’s no excuse for causing so much more. Men and women who do this to other human beings are horrible people. I’d almost say evil, as I have in other posts, but that sounds also like an excuse. Evil and monsters can’t help but be evil and monsters. These are people with free will who have a choice.
They choose to do this.
Fuck forgiveness, btw. I’ve come to realize that this “forgiveness” rhetoric is a way to normalize and minimize abuse. Sure, you can be at peace if you forgive, but you can be at peace if you don’t, too.
Peace to you.
Your blog entries are always interesting, this one made me think. I had stopped dating for 6 years because I had failed relationship after failed relationship. Part of it was being commitmentphobic, the other part was dating men who were just as commitmentphobic.
I decided to “fix” what my issues were before dating again. I recently waded back into the dating pool and of course came up with a winner of a commitmentphobe.
It’s interesting, the changes in my attitude regarding this. Your post helped define some of the behaviors and of course makes me think, which is always a good thing
I’ll be looking up the books you quote, they sound like a good read.
Thank you
Keep writing and I’ll keep reading.
First, GOOD FOR YOU for being self-aware and responsible enough to own your stuff. That alone is so very rare. And even greater kudos for actually working on it!
These books really helped me put words to some of the behaviors, which tend to be so insidious that they’re hard to pinpoint, let alone articulate. They are a great read, and I think you will find them very beneficial in your circumstances.
Thank you for commenting, and thank you for having the courage to look within and work on your stuff. Most people can’t do that, I’m learning. I’ll be publishing a post next week on the problem with being self-aware…and that’s most people aren’t.
Namaste.
SO interesting…thanks for sharing. Anything in any of these books talk about how to address these issues with a lover? Is that even possible?
Yes. They do talk about how to address with a current lover, to help save the relationship. I wish I had read these books first, but sometimes it just can’t be saved. If both parties aren’t willing to invest themselves, there’s not much you can do.
A quote from He’s Scared, She’s Scared: “a real relationship and a real love requires two people. One person can end a relationship, but it takes two to make it work.”
I can’t recommend this book highly enough. It does have ways to help you save the relationship, all based around not getting caught up in your partners psycho-drama of ups and downs, pushes and pulls. Keep your own distance. Become intensely self-protective, and build up a life outside of your partner.
The best way to address the issues with the partner is to go to professional therapy together. S/he must admit they have these unhealthy, pathological fears and find the courage to face them. You can’t be their therapist, but you can support him/her while they go to therapy and even attend therapy with them.
Methinks it’s a particularly interesting subject for the poly community …for so many reasons!Thanks for the food for thought!
For any relationship, indeed, but especially for a poly one. Thank you for reading and commenting.
Reblogged this on pickled feelings and commented:
ever come across one of these? it’s a recipe for disaster and heart-ache, all bundled up in a guy with a pretty face:)
Very nice! Thank you!
commitmentphobe- i think i’ll be using this term more often… thank you for this wonderful piece of information.
Thank you for your comment! The books are brilliant.
wow. I’ve been lucky enough not to run into any extreme versions of this type of person, but it’s sounds scary–for everyone involved. How do these people deal with family members who might demand something? Do they run from them, too?
That’s an interesting question. It must be different for family member, depending on the level of pathology. There are some commitmentphobes who never buy furniture or anything. They rent everything. But I think most aren’t that extreme. Most “active runners’” fears play out in romantic relationships. Although, my recent ex refuses to be held accountable for anything. He feels freest when no one knows where he is or what he’s doing, like he’s invisible to the world.
As the “passive partner,” my commitmentphobia comes out when I need to order something off the menu and there are too many choices. Decisions are very hard for me to make, and then sticking to them is even worse.
Extreme versions must be truly devastating, like a man just disappearing the night before the wedding. It was hurtful enough the way my ex did it, I can’t imagine something like that.
Interesting. While a certain desire for freedom is normal, that level of mania would seem to point to something else. Not wanting to be accountable for their own actions, not wanting to let anyone know where they are… sounds like the person is mentally on the run. Like they have some deep-seated guilt for some past action, real or imagined, and they are afraid the consequences are going to catch up to them.
Doc
I love your writing on relationships, the wisdom and honesty you bring from your personal experiences resonate deeply with me. This one is especially timely for me.
I just ended an intensely vibrant & emotionally painful relationship with a man who I now realize is likely a “dry” commitmentphobe. (borrowed from the 12 step term “dry alcoholic”- somebody who no longer drinks but also doesn’t address the underlying causes of their dysfunction)
This particular variation on the theme went like this: he was very forthright about how he ‘didn’t really know what love was anymore’ and didn’t want to try to figure that out. But he was also very attentive to me, more so than any man I’ve met in a very long time. The sex was amazing. And the simple fact that he was willing to admit he had problems with commitment and would talk about that in an intimate way (though, in retrospect I now see, awareness does not = willingness to try to change) made him intensely shiny and attractive to me.
Luckily for me, I fairly quickly realized that despite our mutual attraction, he was quite content with his life the way it was and he had no desire to do the work necessary to build a healthy, mutual relationship. For him, the pain & fear of change far outweighed the pain & loneliness he’s currently experiencing. So, with tears in my eyes, I strapped on my jet pack and made good my escape.
But what I long to do was somehow post a huge warning sign for the next woman who encounters his seductive charms. Because she is probably already falling hard for him. And I feel sorry for her. No one needs to go through that vortex of pain and vulnerability, no matter how good the nookie is.
And the reason I’m commenting here is mostly to echo your wise words: sometimes no matter what you do, things aren’t going to work out. It really isn’t you. It’s him. And that sucks. But as Barney (Neil Patrick Harris’ character in “How I Met Your Mother”) says: “When I feel sad I stop being sad and be awesome instead.” Wise words indeed from one of the most prototypical commitmentphobes ever seen on tv.
You describe by ex almost exactly. Awareness does not equal willingness to work. He, also, is incapable of investing in and building a healthy relationship.
My ex, however, seems to go in and out of awareness. He knows he hurts women, as he told me that “women tend to get hurt” at the beginning of the relationship, but he deals with that by absolving himself of all responsibility. The women are responsible for their own emotions, which is true.
However, if these women were falling while all along he was telling them and showing them he wanted something casual, and that was the agreement, then he is not responsible because he was clear in words and actions of his intention.
But he’s not. With me, both in words and actions, he led me to believe how special I was, that he didn’t give up on relationships, that he was attached to me and crazy about me, that we were solid, then over the course of a few hours, turned into another man altogether.
Looking back, the subtlety of the underlying emotional abuse, articulated so well in these books, has become glaringly clear. The lies and deception have become clear. How he lies with the truth or by omission.
The damage is quite deep, and I realize that I’ve been traumatized. This, after all, was the most signifiant relationship in my life next to my marriage, and he led me to believe I was safe. Without warning, he turned from loving to cruel, tender to abusive.
Yes, terribly traumatic.
I hope your recovery hasn’t been as hard.
Interesting that you cite NPH, as my ex resembles the actor greatly. What is it about our society that makes us praise and practically revere the womanizer? What is so funny about devastating other people with lies and promises?
I want to warn other women, too; and I also pity them. I’ve tried to warn one and her husband, not only for the potential emotional betrayal if she opens her heart to him, but also for the STD he has and doesn’t tell lovers about before sex, if ever. I didn’t find out until 6 weeks in, and his other GF didn’t find out until after having sex with him for 5 months. Disgusting, really. That level of disrespect and downright antipathy for women, regardless of the low risk of transmission. It speaks to his character and complete lack of integrity.
But, yes … be awesome instead.
Peace.
“women tend to get hurt” Red flag! This is like the wife beater who describes his spouse as being accident prone. *He* doesn’t do these things, she brings them upon herself. *He* doesn’t hit her, *she* keeps running into his hand. Bullshit. This kind of person doesn’t understand how they are involved with the misery they sow all around themselves. It’s borderline psychopathy. He doesn’t see those around him as people.
Why does society praise the womanizer? Because he’s confident, and confidence is attractive. Of course, he’s confident because he’s delusional. In his world view, the only result of his actions is success. Any other outcome is someone else’s fault.
Doc
My goodness! Do you know him?! This describes him perfectly. He refuses to take any responsibility, as in my poem “Oh, that’s right.” And, yes, huge red flags that I didn’t notice early enough.
It is psychopathy, I believe.
Reblogged this on Ma tanière… My den… and commented:
Interesting read, it sort of hit home.
I’m scared of making choices, and yes scared of moving in with Bear, deciding he’s “the one” (for however long the relationship works, that is). What if I’m missing something? What if I make the wrong choice? What if?
What if I choose to trust life instead?
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Fantasist or Commitmentphobe? | thehuntformrrightnow said this on June 12, 2012 at 6:12 pm |
Reblogged this on thehuntformrrightnow and commented:
More on the commitmentphobe. A good read. Zac had tears in his eyes early on in our ‘relationship’. Tears. Yes! Tears!
[...] Pathology of the Commitmentphobe (omgrey.wordpress.com) [...]
Fear of Intimacy – Let Life in Practices said this on June 16, 2012 at 8:16 am |
Reading this was intense.A week ago today the love of my life ended it out of the blue and left me totally heartbroken, confused and lost.I believed 100% that he was the one, and he gave me no reason or signs whatsoever to think otherwise.He persued and persued me in the beginning and made me feel like the most beautiful woman alive.Everything he did made me feel so safe and happy..just complete.He was aware of how I had been hurt before and told me how he would never hurt me, thought the world of me, was very excited about our future together and all the adventures we would have.He even said I had ‘converted’ him to believing in marriage after never believing in it before…he made me trust him completely and every second together felt like a fairytale.I’ve never met anyone like him and he just lit up my life and I could tell the feeling was mutual, he had told me how excited he was about our future together and how happy I make him.
He opened up one day telling me about his last relationship which was 6 years long.It ended because she used to make him feel guilty about doing his sports etc, he had expressed to me how he was worried it would happen again,how he had never been heartbroken and thought it was weird how he didnt cry when the relationship with his ex ended, how hes not sentimental and doesn’t understand love.. but I reassured him and everything carried on as normal…he had to go for an operation a couple of months later,and for the first time we hadn’t seen each other for a week.He came over and said how he thought I was ‘more into the relationship’ than him, this was a total shock as you can imagine.We had a long talk about it and it seemed to boil down to his fears because of his ex so I figured it was just something I’d help him overcome.Again, everything continued amazing, great sex life having adventures together, going out all the time,it was perfectI had NO idea how bad this problem was/is for him until a week ago today. I had noticed his phonecalls and texts getting less and less, but then he’d ring and we’d chat for hours so I thought nothing of it.He’s always busy and I like that we could have our own lives aswell as the one together..which he agreed on.Then I got a call from him,after not speaking to him for about 4 days..I knew something was wrong..he heard I was out and asked me to ring when I was home.I felt sick.He casually began talking to me about work, then ‘I have to say something you’re not going to like, but I no longer want to continue with our relationship.’ I had no idea this was coming, it was like the loving caring man I had fallen so hard for, had been replaced with a cold, calculating stranger who was suddenly on a totally different level to me.I was like he had it all planned and ringing me to tell me was just a task he had to do.I was in such shock I couldn’t even cry, it was like being shot in the chest.We spoke for 2 hours, me just asking questions, his giving the same answers ‘its not you, its me, Im so sorry, I just know this is the right thing to do, you’re my perfect girl but I just feel like you need love and I can’t give it to you..I should want to be moving in with you and I don’t, I know we wont be together in a year,I dont know why I feel like this’….there was nothing I could say.I’ve been a mess all week, sleepless nights trying to analyse everything and make some sense of it…so far nothings worked.I haven’t heard from him, I feel like someones ripped my insides out.I obsess about the thought of him being with someone else, we had the perfect relationship and no-one can believe whats happened.
He built up my trust and made me feel this was the real thing.I feel like I did everything I could, gave him space, was understanding, always affectionate and gave reassurance when it was needed.Its like this fears over ride everything else and he has just sabotaged an amazing relationship.He lost his mother a few years ago and said a counsellor told him he has commitment issues, I just never had the faintest clue from him that it was so bad.I miss him terribly and just keep rewinding in my mind how great it was and going crazy trying to figure out how I could have prevented this from happening, Im devastated.Any words of wisdom would be much appreciated x
I am so so so sorry. I know what it feels like, and agonizing isn’t a strong enough word. Shattered isn’t descriptive enough. Devastated doesn’t even come close…
First, go buy the book “He’s Scared, She’s Scared.” it was my lifesaver during those first months.
Commitment issues to say the least. Some narcissistic qualities in there too, sounds like. Although he could at least for the words “I’m sorry,” as hollow as they were.
What you describe here sounds so very similar to what I had with the auctioneer. It is, unfortunately, the way most victims of committmentphobes and/or narcissists describe their relationships.
Perfect.
Fairly tale.
Blissful.
Unlike anything I’ve known.
Ecstatic.
And I have no doubt it was, my dear. Mine surely was.
I’m right here for you. Find a supportive network who will be there for you and who won’t tire of hearing the cycle of questions over and over as you try to come to grips with this deeply traumatic betrayal.
Keep people who give you platitudes like “some things just don’t work out” or “there are plenty of fish…, etc.” out of your life for now. Listen to *no one* who even suggests this is your fault or you should’ve seen it coming.
This is a traumatic loss of a love. Overnight. It’s a shock, like a car wreck.
You will likely suffer PTSD symptoms as you pick up the pieces he so callously left behind. Find a therapist who knows how to deal with trauma and PTSD. There is no such thing as too much support during this time.
Read everything you can find on narcissists & committmentphobes.
Read everything you can find on the effects of trauma and PTSD from emotional abuse. Because this was indeed emotionally abusive.
Read through my blog over the past four months as I went through the same thing. You are not alone.
Write down five things you can do to care for yourself everyday. They don’t have to be big things. Like, rubbing lotion on your body after a shower with loving, caring thoughts for yourself. Having a cup of tea while listening to classical music for 15 minutes. Eating well. A 30 min walk everyday. Things like that.
But most of all. Read that book.
It’s what saved my sanity.
You are not alone.
First time I’ve ever posted anywhere about anything. 3 weeks out of a CP and I’m finally starting to feel myself again. I do have a few questions though. I am a male by the way.
1) Would any of you consider yourself co-dependant or knights in shining armor thus being easily succeptible to flattery or sympathy/wounded bird manipulations?
2) In heindsight did the nit-picking phase of things seem innocent or joking in nature but border on being condescending?
3) Were you ever accused of being insecure because you called them out on an obvious inconsistency even though you know it was a valid reacton/question? Or were you told that your expectations were to high especially when it came to open dialogue, consistency or reliability?
4) Did they act omnipotent or arrogant or lacking empathy for others heartbreaks at times but weak and needy at others, sometimes in the same day or conversation?
5) Did you ever feel controlled in anyway or punished through emotional withholding if you stood up for yourself even over really insignificant stuff?
6) One second they are telling you your meant to be, the next they are barely contacting you and if they do it’s in a very matter of fact manner or coming up with a reason to change plans?
7) When they break up with you its through a situation designed to make the other person feel insecure, in her case this was subconscious, so that they can then villify the other person for asking a valid question.
8) Did you have to actually be the one to say or ask, that it was over?
9) Expect you and others to be completely open and honest with them but don’t hold themselves to the same standard and when you ask them why they weren’t honest they say it was to “protect you.”
10) Have they had recent interactions with an ex to keep them on the line but villify the ex at the same time. Or rationalize it with I didn’t feel bad using him because he/she had been abusive to me. Never have anything good to say about any past relationships, everyone else is a “creeper”
11) Accuse you of picking fights or ruining they’re night even when they inist on knowing what your thinking even if its negative. Mine accused me of having a laundry list of complaints. I complained about 3 things in 6 months and never did it in an attacking way, I would pose it as a simple question and then the tears would kick in.
12) In heindseight did you feel like more of an object or status symbol then an actualy person?
13) Are any of you terrified of what you will do if you ever hear from this person again?
14) Loss of weight, digestive issues, new found social anxeity? Telling the story over and over so you don’t feel crazy? Sleepless nights, vivid dreams about them etc?
15) Anybody ever take any medication to help cope? I’m already in therapy but wondering if I need chemical assistance. I have no experience with drugs.
16) Accuse you of the one who is the problem and even when you admit your faults and say you would want to work on it, it’s still not good enough?
One day she told me we were meant to be, giving gifts, teasing about marriage the next she told me she was terrified and had been for a while but didnt want to tell me because she was protecting me and that was the difference between me and her. She couldn’t tell me what she was scared of. They’re were no signs of her slowing down at all until we hit a wall with our first argument. That was it, like she was looking for an out.
1) I have considered myself codependent earlier in life, but I don’t anymore. It was one of the labels forced on me by CPs and players, turns out. I’ve been very happily married for 12 years in a very healthy relationship. However, what I find, is that people like CP bring out the “clinginess” in others because of their Jekyll/Hyde behavior.
2) Yes. Mine passed way over the border of condescending at the end. He was seriously condescending and downright cruel.
3) Quite often. He told me that he didn’t have the processing capacity to talk about things. Toward the end, he would evade and hide a lot.
4) Emphatically, yes.
5) Yes. Or sometimes a thinly-veiled condescending mockery: “I love it when you sass me,” as if to say ‘how cute it is that you think you’re my equal.’
6) Absolutely. Mine turned to me and in the tone of scolding a petulant child would say (with the scariest deadness in his eyes) “Plans change sometimes. You DO KNOW that RIGHT?”
7) Yes. Exactly. He tried to use my greatest fear to control me and push me into a position of submission on the sidelines, keeping me around for sex while he searched for the “relationship [he's] always dreamt of.”
8) I did break up with him after the second sexual assault, and then I tried to heal things a few days later (not recognizing it as assault yet. So blinded.). But he hammered the final nail in when not accepting reconciliation.
9) I didn’t get the “protect you” part, but there certainly were double standards. Like he wanted me to take his feelings into consideration before I did something or said something (which, of course, I did!) and in the same conversation say that he didn’t want to take my fears into consideration before he did or said something. Freaking out and shutting down that last week and accusing me of bring too much anxiety into the relationship. Things like that.
10) YES! Two of his most recent exes were “crazy.” One threatened to burn his house down and the other, supposedly, stalks him. I never saw her once. But. Whatever. The fire one, he still (as far as I know) sees her often and keeps her hanging on for scraps. That’s the position he tried to put me in at the end, and I wouldn’t be pushed to the sidelines. All he ever did was talk about her and complain about her. But he sure didn’t let her get away. See my post on When Love Becomes Toxic.
11) Oh yes. Accused me of shooting him down on his big night because I said “I felt completely neglected,” referring to a few hours spent with him, my husband, and his ex. He completely ignored me and made me and my husband uncomfortable by grand displays of inappropriate affection to his (previously mentioned fire-obsessed) ex. Confusing her. Insulting me. Infuriating my husband. That was what started the devalue/discard portion of the relationship. How dare I suggest he could be anything other than perfect at every given moment. How dare I actually express my emotions.
12) Absolutely. In hindsight, I feel like an object who was very (frighteningly) easy to replace. Like a wallet.
13) Yes. I avoid huge sections of town. I’m actually leaving moving out of state soon. The abuse, assault, and trauma caused by this man is so extensive, that I’ve been hardly able to function for the past 5 months. I’m terrified.
14) Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. No. Only two dreams in 5 months, thank goodness.
15) I was on medication for awhile, but I’m off it now and feeling better. I needed the medication with him more than without him.
16) Every. Single. Fucking. Time.
I dated a woman just like this she was a angel and then out of nowhere turned on me told me i was perfect and talked about our kids then she would start picking at me she then just said she changed her mind came back three weeks later telling me she left me for another guy to get rid of me because she was ouf control she then told me i could have her body but she has a wall around her heart she also was very selfish and talked bad about all her friends she would break up with me numerous times and come back she would treat me good but then get rude again its just so confusing and sad because she was so erratic im sick inside because it was so great and then just twisted shit just kept coming she went into a rage and told me im not in her heart i left and then she came back all sweet and telling me she knew i was a great guy with a good heart i took her back and she lost it again. Did anything like this happen to yoi? I told her i couldnt take anymore but i cared for her never heard from her again thanks for your questions that stuff happened to me
Yes. It’s happened before and it will happen again unless you address the underlying issues that are subconsciously drawing you to these kinds of women.
Their abuse is not your fault. But still, it’s you who ends up hurt.
You will have to build strong boundaries and filters to protect yourself.
Your stories are textbook. I’m so sorry. I know how hard it is to see it from the inside. Read everything you’ve written to me as if your best friend or brother or sister wrote that about their lover…what would you tell them?
Continued from above:
17) Did you ever feel like you or the relationship was put on a pedestal?
I think it was a little bit looking back, but I put it on a pedestal as well. I guess I believed his pedestal, perhaps. He was so very convincing, but then my CP is also a psychopathic narcissist, turns out.
Thanks so much for taking the time to read through those and get back to me. I asked about the co-dependant thing because the way this person won me over was through her outoing, charming personality and a tremendous amount of flattery on her part in the first months of the relationship. Subtle flattery though, “my sister should really follow our example with her relationships, I’ve wanted you for so long but I was afraid you would reject me, she would tell me how jealous she was of this other person I dated, etc. This person also required a tremendous amount of reassurance on a daily basis, she would ask me things such as: if I a had ever felt this way before, can you rate last nights sex on a scale of 1-10, a host of other sexual insecurities(these were an issue almost every time we were intimate) which according to her were brought on by her ex’s, her job, her job, her job, money, living with her parents, the list goes on. I was always happy to lend my shoulder but in heindseight a huge red flag, nobody should require that much validation on a regular basis and she may just have been in it for the validation/adulation and when I finally spoke up about something….well their went her fun.
The whole objectification thing was also pretty obvious at the end. She was always very proud of how many people would “like” pics of us, sometimes if I was moving too slow she would say c’mon, c’mon like I was a puppy and another time when a ranger asked if we wanted him to drive the fire wood to the camp she immediately said oh no, he can carry that. But the best one was when she was reading 50 shades and getting turned on she would say to me over the phone “where’s my bf when i need him.” Flattering on one level but on another kind of degrading as if that’s all i’m good for. If I’m going to be honest with myself though, part of me got off on that ownership that she was projecting. Maybe I should examine that.
In our final conversation, she started the conversation with “I think we just really like the idea of a relationship.” I started laughing, not at her, it was just some weird reaction to the sudden shock of it. All she could tell me was that she was scared and she didn’t know of what. I asked her what changed in the last 5 days since we had seen each other(during which time she had given me giftts, told me that her family could see us getting married and had even said that their was a reason we met. In a vey matter of fact tone her response was “well that was 5 days ago” things change. Thats when she started in with your to0 insecure, your expectation are too high. I tried to illustrate to her in as non condescening tone as possible, even going as far as to say “I’m not trying to be condescending,” that in her next relationship if the other person is otherwise healthy but starts to act insecure it’s probably due to some valid questions or lack of communication. Her response was, I don’t need life lessons from you…I also asked her if their was anything else I needed to know for my own closure and she again accused me of being insecure. She didnt understand that once that bond of trust is broken through deception or manipulation even if it’s to “protect” somebody that the other person is probably going to wonder what else they have been hiding. She also used the “processing” excuse on me, even though I always expected to tell her what I was feeling immediately, that is until it was something, then I was attacking her. I do think people need time to process I just didn’t like the double standard. She never overtly pressured me into sex but she would pressure me into not using condoms even though she wasn’t on any form of bc. “don’t get mad at me, lets just do it without one for a little while.” Getting my ass to the clinic soon if this is how she was with other guys.
I’m probably having entirely too much sympathy for her especially considering the manner in which she tore me apart so she could walk away guilt free but that’s just who I am, pretty twisted…I’m torn between whether or not this person has a real issue/s or is just still in the selfish @sshole/unaware stage of her life. I guess in my mind I would like to believe the latter just because I do want her to be happy down the road.
Thanks again for listening, I loved the rest of your site as well.
This line made me nauseous:
“well that was 5 days ago things change”
OMG.
Almost verbatim.
A week before things went to hell with my narcissistic CP, he told me that he was happier when I was around and when he was alone. He told me he adored me. That he was attached to me. But he was crazy about me. That he loved me.
When I reminded him of these things he said just a short week ago, he said “well it depends which day you ask me.”
Cold.
I know about your confusion right now, I’m just getting over my confusion and it’s been almost 5 months. The vacillation and the wildly different personalities leaves you feeling like you’ve suffered a car wreck and are in shock.
I hope it’s the latter two, but I’m guessing it’s not. Please read He’s Scared, She’s Scared, and it will become much more clear.
I’m so sorry you had to go through this. I truly and deeply know just how devastating and shattering this is.
Speaking of personality changes….literally an hour after she told me “their was a reason we met” we were sitting on the couch when my pocket knife fell down the crack in the cushion. We heard it hit the floor and she immediately said we need to get that now, I told her I would just get it when we went to bed and she again insisted that we get it now. I was just about to capitulate and get it when her younger sister actually stepped in and told her to just let me get it later….control…when we broke up she actually told me that part of the problem was that I asked for explanations on things. She actually told me that I shouldn’t question her even if her story changes but that I should just accept whatever she’s telling me. Their was one other incident early on when I gave her a sincere compliment on how she looked. She went all stone face and told me that she really didn’t like it when I said things like that to her. This was wounding to me but I apoligized and asked her why it bothered her, she didn’t elaborate. The next morning she acted like it wasn’t even an issue and didn’t understand why I would be concerned. During the break up she brought this up as an example of me being insecure and that I don’t just listen to her.
I actually purchased it yesterday and it’s sheddling a lot of light on this most recent relationship and most of my past one’s. Their has definitely been a pattern worth examination. So maybe she was right, maybe we did meet for a reason…for me to learn more about myself and the people we choose to love.
Best wishes and thanks again!
I’m sorry you had to go through so much pain to be lead to the book. I’m sorry we both did. I suppose most who buy the book have.
This: “She actually told me that I shouldn’t question her even if her story changes but that I should just accept whatever she’s telling me.”
Tells me she’s probably a narcissist.
[...] again, without missing him so much I was nauseous, without remembering how blissful it was, without questioning how he turned on a dime, without realizing it was all I lie. That’s what I was [...]
This describes everything PERFECTLY. The guy I was dating was a serial serious relationship type of guy. Jumping from one serious relationship to the next. He was previously engaged to a woman of 3.5 yrs and then bounced, saying she wasn’t the one. He said he didn’t ‘feel it’ and loved her like family and wasn’t truly in love with her. He said his ex-fiancee came up to him crying and said ‘I thought I was the one for you.’ at a recent party. Then he got out of that, dated another older woman for 3 months and said he left because he thought it was a repeat of his ex-fiancee. I started dating him 2 yrs after he broke up with his ex-fiancee. He explained all these things to me and I never thought he was a commitment phobe. Anywho, we had started the relationship with the presumption that things were going to end because I was already applying to schools in NYC when we started dating. I think he was okay with the relationship because again he is a commitment phobe. Things were very serious between us, living together, having his parents stay at my apartment, integreated into his social circle, etc. He said he never had a girlfriend like me, so fun, spontaneous, adventurous, curious, willing to try anything. (I’m also 24, and he’s 30 but he usually dates older women). I think he let himself go and deeply love me because he knew I was younger and wouldn’t want anything to go further until later in my life. Anyways, I ended up moving to NYC a year later. He bawled at the airport when it was time for me to move. That was our breakup. He went to a camping trip/festival for 2 weeks and then came back and called me. He said he couldn’t imagine being with anyone else but me, for the first time in his life he said he couldn’t imagine dating anyone else and had no desire to, he said he was ready to make a change and sacrifice to be with me. At this point, I gave myself up to him because he did too. He said he wanted to come see me in NYC, and I said only if there was a real commitment because otherwise there’s no point. He came to NYC and we had an amazing time. We painted our future together, talked about everything from marriage to kids. The day after he left me in NYC, he started to change completely. He said being in love with me was conflicting with finding the perfect job in NYC. He did a complete 180 degrees. He broke up with me, I spilled my guts out. Then a few days later, he said he wasn’t in love with me, that he talked about the future with me because it sounded like a nice picture. (He also talked about marrying me before I left for NYC too, and he said it was because he was perhaps teasing me). He’s said I was his ideal woman, hands down. He said all these things that made me believe that I was the one for him.
All of his friends have said we were perfect together and I was the perfect woman for him. They even told me to marry him. Now it makes sense. I think he was truly in love with his ex-fiancee but got scared. It takes a lot to get to the engagement phase but he did. Obviously he was in love with her. I can’t even imagine the pain she went through. I hope to dear god that he doesn’t do this to more women.
Is it sad that I still miss him? I’ve never had such passion in a relationship, and he brought out sides in me I never knew I had even though I was in a 4 yr relationship previously. He was the one who told me he had learned the philosophy of “Love more, fear less.” within the past few weeks. Now, he’s contradicting his own theory.
Will he ever learn? Or will this one just end like his others?
This happened a week ago, and I was a wreck the first few days, but I am slowly understanding and recovering.
I’m so sorry to hear this has happened to you. Yes. He sounds like a classic commitmentphobe. How horrific for you.
And, unfortunately, he will do this to more women. More and more and more and more. Unless he faces his demons and gets serious help.
It’s completely understandable that you still miss him. The words “Love more, fear less” are great to say, harder to do. Doesn’t sound like he’s fearing less at all. And his definition of “love” is to ensure the woman is completely in love and attached and secure, and then rip the rug out from under her. I don’t respect that, not even a little bit. It’s deplorable. It’s disgusting. It’s cruel, and it’s not love.
He will learn if he faces his shit and gets help. But, he probably won’t. Not when there is another “oooh shiny” that hasn’t seen this part yet. He can believe that THIS is the perfect love. THIS TIME will be different. Again, and again, and again, and again — ad nauseum.
I’m thrilled to hear you are this okay just a week ago.
It’s been over 7 months for me, and mine was *very* short-lived. I still miss him. I still love him.
He not only turned on a dime and went from a charming Dr. Jekyll to a horrific Mr. Hyde literally overnight, but in that last week of hell he also raped me twice and was so condescending and cruel…it was like a totally different person.
And I still miss him.
Those trauma bonds are fucking strong.
I’m so sorry you had to endure this. I hope you recover well. I’m right here if you want to talk.
xo
Mine was extremely short lived too.
It started with an email thru connectingsingles.com……..he recently moved from Ireland to London and had only been in country three weeks with his new company. We chatted via email progressed to gmail…..got quite comfortable. Due to the nature of some guys online, I put up certain barriers……so when he asked about how long my longest relationship was i said that it was off limits talking about it. Because of certain limits that I put on our conversations, he thought it may not be appropriate to meet me. I wanted to keep it at a friendship stage. I organise social meetings and invited him to one of it as a friend….meet first for 45 mins and then go to the meeting….which was a comedy show. He never showed up….after waiting 15 minutes I left…..he then called and sent me msgs explaining that there was a situation at work….people were getting fired and it was impossible for him to get a message to me. I gave him a second chance…..ended up meeting him……..got along awesome. He said all the right things…..flirted with me……said I looked better in person than my pics….had a great smile. Was the best three hours of a meeting that was supposed to only be a friendship. He made the first move…..at first i was a little taken aback. So I said no…..he then took my hand in his his……walking down the street hand in hand. He made a pass at me again and I went with it…..it felt quite good. He knew all the right things to say.
Despite it being the first three hours we met…….we discussed so many things….like marriage and kids.
Then he wanted to meet again……so we met the next day. I wanted to meet him so that I could tell him lets just be friends. I felt things were progressing way too quickly. But he kept insisting that he would only meet if we could continue from where we left off the previous night. On my way to meeting with my friends…..he asked to meet up the next night to take me out to a french restaurant for dinner. One of the reasons i told him that I dont think i wanted to be with him was because he was not as adventurous as me….this was before meeting the second time. He met me the second time …and we ended up making out like a couple of teenagers in the middle of the city. I discussed the unadventurous thing…..what i wanted from life…and he agreed with it all. He told me such intimate things about himself and made me get emotionally close. We ended up at his place….of course nothing happened….we just made out. The next day (the day he was supposed to take me out to dinner) he was literally non responsive…..he refused to pick up my calls and barely replied back to sms’. All I was trying to find out was whether we were going to do that day what we had discussed the previous night………….he kept avoiding me. The next day I was pissed….told him I didnt want to be with someone who is unreliable and undependable. Said good bye even! But he persisted…came back to me and wanted to meet me that night. Asked if he could come over to my place and spend the night despite knowing I was pissed off at being treated so lamely. we decided we would meet somewhere close to my place and then see how the night went. I got home and waited…..after a while decided to check up and find out what was happening………….turns out he was sleeping in bed…….apparently he texted me that he wouldnt be able to come. The funny thing was that he knew that I wasnt receiving most of his texts….so he could have called to tell me but he didnt. I then blasted him on the phone for being an inconsiderate jerk. When he realised that the text did not go through he said that maybe it wasnt meant to be which of course pissed me off…..relationships should not be dependant on whether a sms goes through or not. It took me a day to cool off…..but i still liked him a lot. So I then emailed him the second day after the final phone call saying perhaps we could start again and be friends……he could always email me since texts dont work……apparently he already had a date lined up for the weekend and he would be putting all his efforts into that!!
After all the compliments and telling me that he was a ‘taken’ man and not on the market anymore cos of me…..after all the closeness and make out sessions….kissing me on the head…..caring that he showed in action, sms’ that dont go through were what he based that the relationship is not meant to be……Is he a committment phobe?
It seems like he is but I was the one who kept telling him to go slow…..shouldnt he have been happy and kept it there…..instead he kept pushing and once I was comfortable that we were together he does a complete turn. within the space of a day!!! I know this relationship wasnt very long…..but Im still trying to figure things out…..this is the fourth day after the breakup…..and ive been boring my friends with the moaning about it and trying to overanalyse/psychoanalyse it.
My question is does this guy seem like a committmentphobe and how would someone stop such a person from doing it to other people?
Thomas G Hanrahan ….. tomghanrahan@gmail.com hopefully he hasnt done this to anyone else…
You can list him with places like Don’t Date Him Girl as WomanSavers.
Hell!! Create a blog about him.
I say out these fuckers!!
I only wish we could stop these abusers from hurting other people. The inky thing we can do is share information, share the signs, and warn other people.
I don’t know if he’s a Commitmentphobe. Sounds like it with the love bombing and creating false intimacy (on his side) by going so deep so fast and then keeping you off balance by being unreliable and inconsistent. He’s an abuser, and he’s definitely a predator. Your boundaries made you too difficult prey.
Good for you.
Look at my post on Love Bombing and the ones on narcissism and psychopathy. Also look at my posts on Emotional & Sexual Predators.
This man is dangerous. You like him so much because after such a short time because this love bombing mixed with the pulling away has created the beginnings of a trauma bond. Very strong.
Also read”A letter to the new girlfriend of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde.” You’ll see your future with this man or any man like him.
Run. Fucking far away.
Thanks….glad I came across your blog. I’m perhaps one of the lucky ones – he disappeared within a few days.Its horrible to know that others have gone thru far worse for longer. Hopefully my posting will help someone else who is in the same situation or someone who is getting ready to go out on a date with him right now. Fore warned is fore armed! This is all the post was meant to be information……so whoever it is can make up their own mind.
Your writing gave me comfort. I had an almost 3 year relationship with a commitment phobe and now it is over. I ended it. I am still hurting and is in the process of moving on. Tough! Very tough! He wants to continue communicating but I said I can’t, though part of me.. out of love and pity wanted to say yes. But I am glad I had been firmed saying NO. I can’t imagine how all of those men with these issues really display the same stuff…I have read other forums and blogs about this for I am having difficulty with my situation and I was opened up in the world where many women had experienced the same stuff. And it is saddening that many will still encounter this kind of relationship. Thanks, again. You are doing so much help to people seeking comfort and explanations in relation to getting involved with a commitment phobe person. GOD bless you!
No contact is the best way. Unless they are ready to admit their crippling fears and go into therapy to deal, there is no hope for a healthy, respectful relationship with a Commitmentphobe.
I’m glad you found the strength to leave.
Thank you for your comment. It’s always nice to know my words helped someone or eased their suffering somehow, even if by showing them they’re not alone.
Peace.
I know the strength that I am having now is because of GOD. At times though, I really feel so down and low, but somehow I can manage to go about my day carrying hope for the future. I just pray one day I will wake up feeling whole again and really over with him. It is really soul crashing that the most beautiful thing I had experienced will also led to giving me this much pain and loss. It breaks my heart how things are now for both of us. He had begged a lot for me to still be there for him at times because he has no one else in his life who cares about him… but me alone… It is like leaving a child who feels so lost, needing care… I don’t have any hatred on him. You are right omgrey, they are just trapped with their own world. My favorite adage is old yet I really really love this… “LIFE IS TOO SHORT, so make the most out of it!” We all deserve to be happy and I just wished people could realized how much our lives are borrowed and how I wished that those commitment phobes out there will realized this…(ooohh… wishful thinking!) My ultimate dream is to have my own happy family life in the future… I hope I could have this before I die. Thanks, again. Even if I do not personally know you… I felt like I found a friend. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year in advance
I strongly suggest you read the book He’s Scared She’s Scared so you don’t fall into the same pattern again.
I’m surprised he’s so adamant. Normally the active runner is who easily turns away and finds someone else to fill that void. Usually it’s not the Commitmentphobe that’s devastated, it’s the one victimized by them.
Happy New Year
Yes, he is like that to me. When we were settling matters, he said he cannot envision his life without me and that it is very hard for him to accept that we were really over. He said, he knew it is unfair for me to stick with him because of his uncertainty on marrying and having a family. He did promise me that it will be on 2013.. but when I have brought up the issue about it… that was the turnabout… him telling he is not ready…and of when he could not tell. He is just too afraid of failing another marriage, having, kids, etc. (he was divorced and he’s marriage was really unhappy…so was his childhood). He loved my family dearly and asked me to tell my parents that he loved them. He had always been honest with what he feels… he did tell me before that he has issues in committing but because I fell in love with him and I really loved him so much… I stayed and waited… for almost 3 years…I just want the next level… I will soon be 32.. He is 56 by the way (but he looks young)… so I was wanting things for family… of which he is not ready.
He said, I deserve someone better… but he is not closing the door for us… that maybe in time it could still be us… he asked if he can still talk to me at times (while I may have a new search for a new love) because he is considering me not only as a lover or partner but his best ever friend as well. Being firmed on my NO with his request is really painful knowing he wants me to be there for him still.
Especially with the considerable age difference, you did the right thing. If he’s still this scared at his age, that’s it. He’s not changing.
You do deserve better.
Peace.
Thank you…. so much! Peace too!
I have been in a relationship for 2 years with a man i thought was the most amazing person, We meet at work, we had been friends for about a year, I thought he liked me but I wasnt ready for a relationship, as I had just come out of an emotinally and physically abusive relationship, with a definate commitment phobe ( which is my final question, do I attract these people?)
When we first started dating he became very intense very quickly, i tried to hold off a little, as that was how my last relationship had started. But he was relentless in making me feel so special. We talked a long time about not getting involved due to him be 15 years younger than me, I was worried about the child issue, as this had been used against me last time. He told me how he wanted me more than a child, and that we could always adopt.
Within a few weeks of dating, we took a trip to London, when in St Pauls, he baegan crying, telling me that churches make him cry, something to do with him mom and dads divorce , thought he was always vaue about the details.
This made me feel like he really trusted me and must value me, I was gone, my heart was his. Things progressed, he constantly told me how he wanted tto marry me, how he couldnt wait to put a ring on my finger. I would say one day, I had been quite clear that i wasnt that bothered about getting married, been divorced once, and the last relationship only became physically abusive once i agreed to marry him and booked a wedding, then he ran away.
He moved in, invested time and effort in my children and made everything seem perfect. A year in, on my 40th birthday he proposed, a grand gesture infront of my dearest friends and family. I truly believed he must love me. 4 months later he got a new job, and was excited as he would now be able to book the wedding, another 2 months later we book a wedding. Suddenly everything changed! He became distant, was constantly working, got stroppy every time the wedding was mentioned, he went of sex (which had always been amazing) I constantly asked him what was wrong, he said nothing. Then suddenly he came out with’ im not happy’, stating that he couldnt get over the fear of not having his own child. A bit of a bombshell! he became more distant, I tried to talk to him, saying we could try for a child, that I would love one with him, this wasnt good enough, I was just saying it to keep him, and that he didnt want one now because of his career.
I can understand him wanting both and I have made every suggestion to how he can have both, but no matter what i suggest he finds an excuse why it wont work. We broke up, but for the last 6 months it has been on off, the more time we spent together in this period it became apparent that he is terrified. We tried counselling but he just let me take the blame for everything and took not responsibilty, so I stopped going. He tells me he loves me more that anyone ever will but he cant be with me because he is scared of the future. It is trapped in a circle of negative thinking, destructive behaviour and anxiety. I became very ill, losing 2 stone and struggling with anxiety and depression myself. But I got myself help and took a course of CBT, during this time i distanced myself from him, this seemed to work, he started tellin me that he knew he had problems and wanted to get help to sort them out so we could be together.
We resumed counselling toegether and for 6 weeks things seem to be progressing, we started trying for a baby, and making plans for him to move back in , once he had rebuilt bridges with my eldest son. We were just getting there, with him staying over some nights, when he panicked again. He started talking about taking jobs abroad again, I tried to understand he is young, so i suggest he works abroad for a year and we will make it work, it still wasnt enough, he suddenly needed to do it for 4 years! and then he wont be able to have a baby and there we are again…back 6 months. The only reason i took him back was that he was going to get help, but he hasnt, we have gone back to couple counselling, but its not tackling his personal issues, he needs to got to CBT, or at least read some books, but once he had me back, he didnt seem to make any effort. It was all down to me again. To the point he wouldnt even split time this christmas between me and his family. everything seemed to come before me, family, friends, work and most importanly money! He seems to lurch from one idea to another and commit to none of them, and then beats himself up because he isnt achieving anything! meanwhile, im left in turmoil feeling loved and planning a baby one minute, then unloved and undervalued the next. He ended it again on christmas eve!!
Sweet lady. I am so sorry to read this painful story.
He is quite clearly a Commitmentphobe, and if he refuses to take any responsibility for his actions, it could even be worse than that. Look at my posts on Emotional & Sexual Predators and Sociopaths/Narcissists.
You do not want a child with this man. I wast you to re-read what you wrote above and imagine your sister or daughter wrote those words. What would your advice to her be?
He. will. not. change.
No contact. Get him out of your life. He is toxic. Poison. Nothing will hurt more than doing this. You will need a strong support system and counseling.
As to your question about attracting them, yes and no. You are subconsciously drawn to men like him likely due to some unresolved childhood issues that have been replayed again and again, deepening the wound and trauma.
This has been highly traumatizing, both with this man and your former abusive relationship. Make no mistake, just because this man isn’t hitting or physically/sexually assaulting you, doesn’t mean he’s not abusive. In a way, it’s worse because there is no physical “proof.” This Jekyll & Hyde act is tremendously abusive and traumatizing. Plus, trauma is cumulative, so it will keep getting worse and worse. Find my post “To the Mew Girlfriend of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
You are no doubt suffering from PTSD. Good on you with the CBT, now look into EMDR as well and start working out some of this horrific trauma you’ve endured. Until you do, you’ll keep being drawn to men like this.
That said IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. His abusive treatment is HIS CHOICE. He knows what he does, and he chooses to continue.
Read He’s Scared She’s Scared, linked in the post above. You will be amazed. You will think they must’ve answered your relationships and gone back in the TARDIS to write that book. It will help you so much, if for no other reason to show you you’re not crazy and you’re not alone.
The biggest problem lies with him.
Get out. Get away. No contact. It’s the only way to regain your sense of self and your sanity.
May you find peace.
xo
Everytime i read one of these stories i am struck again and again by the similarities, not only in the stories themselves but the feelings of loss, confusion and despair. Recently i was talking with a friend who has recently been betrayed. I tried my best to empathize with his pain over the breakdown of his relationship(which was not hard to do) but at the same time i wanted him to understand exactly what it was he lost. What he lost was a supposed best friend and partner who consistently lied, manipulated, emotionally blackmailed, coerced, demeaned, belittled, “teased”, demanded, expected, operated with double standards, contradictions and hypocracies, was selfish, had terrible tunnel vision, was arrogant and controlling, insecure, had poor impulse control and self awareness, was disrespectful and judgemental of other peoples flaws and shortcomings that she herself had.
What she lost was somebody that cared for her, reassured her, nurtured her, encouraged her and loved her despite all of that and would probably take her back if she wasnt already out there on the prowl.
Maybe 2013 will be his year.
Cheers
Thank you for this. Seeing it in black and white like this touched me so deeply that I cried.
You’re right. I lost a cruel and manipulative rapist. Someone selfish who lied and deceived. Someone who exploits people and takes pride & pleasure in their pain and downfall. Someone who is condescending and uses sexual and emotional violence to punish and coerce. Someone who had double standards and always kept me off balance to remain in control. Arrogant, abusive, demanding, withdrawn only to be affectionate moments later, exploitative, sexually deviant, and narcissistic. Someone who is incapable of empathy, true intimacy, and genuine love.
He lost a woman who loved him deeply, who supported him and encouraged him to be himself, to explore his freedom. Who accompanied him to a place of sexual ecstasy and spiritual euphoria without fear. Who nurtured him and adored him. A woman who, even after the assaults and subsequent devaluing and abandonment, would open her heart and her arms again if he showed a shred of humanity and humility, acknowledgment, and apology.
Yes, it is quite clear now.
Thank you so very much for this.
I hope 2013 is the year for your friend, too. Have him read He’s Scared She’s Scared, linked in the article. It will help him feel like he’s not alone in this.
Peace. xo
Hi im four months out of committment phobic gf who started out as a friend became lovers and left me for dead when i told her i couldnt continue her abuse. The friendship and sex was amazing but then she just changed. I read the book and its everything that happened she ran off w another guy after our relationship got strong she came back three weeks later and i took her back she told me she has a wall around her heart and that she doesnt trust. I tried to tell her she could trust me if she could just slow down and go with the flow and define our relationship. i foolishlu thought i could show her what a true friendship with trust could be…it lasted a few weeks and then she went crazy on me saying she loved the sex but we are not having it again because i am not in her heart. I left a week later she came back apologizing saying everything i wanted to hear. I told her i was done but for two weeks she kept saying she knows she is a mess and has deep issues i trigger. We finally talked she was all over me and it just started again i broke it off and she said she didnt understand i told her i couldnt take her abuse never heard from her again i miss the woman i met but i cant believe what she did to me with push pull abuse silent treatment she hit me once threatened me with police and told me about childhood rape ect. Its just so sad but there was alot of good times and feeling my heart wont let go i used to be a confident man but now i quetion everything about me and why she would treat my kindness and friendship this way i guess i wish i knew if she will do this again or it was me. I am a loving person but she made me insecure because of her erractic behavoir she is on the radio and has a fanbase so she looks so happy yet with me she talked about how unhappy she is with other peoples happiness i know she has issues but do you think she will act like this again? It would hurt to know i created her anxiety and nobody else. Thanks for your site i needed it to know this isnt about me but i cared for her and she made me feel like she cared too. She kept coming back and i was weak because i cared. She probably thinks im weak for trying to be good to her i only took the abuse hoping she could see she could trust me but i just couldnt take another day. Wish she cared i still do and dont know how to trust again u am a shell of who i was
I’m so sorry to read this.
It wasn’t just you. You DID NOT cause her anxiety. If she was raped as a child (or even as an adult) and has never dealt with that, it could be the basis for her deep issues, which she clearly has. But then, who doesn’t? No one that I’ve met. We all have baggage. Some of us own it and work on it and ensure we don’t hurt and abuse others, most don’t.
Of course you went back, you loved her. It’s perfectly understandable, and that’s why it’s so very difficult to stay away and commit to NC (no contact). I still love the man who raped me, devalued me, and then discarded me. I’d like to think I wouldn’t take him back, even after all this time, and because of my very supportive and loving husband (polyamorous), I probably wouldn’t because I know how much it would hurt him after everything The Rapist did during our short, intense relationship, the week of rape and overt abuse, and since: the stalking and threats and such.
It seems crazy that I would even question whether or not I’d take such a toxic person back into my life, but as fucked up as they are and as much as they can jump from one to the next, for me the love and depth was real. Sounds like it was for you, too. My love for him, contrary to popular belief, especially his, does not speak to what a great catch or lover or (certainly not) man he is, but it rather speaks to my depth and capacity to love and forgive. It speaks to my integrity and ability to be genuine and loving, even in the face of severe betrayal and trauma.
Fortunately, he is a cad, so he won’t be back. I hope. It would be very bad for me to forgive and accept a raping, narcissistic sociopath back into my life and my heart. My willingness to forgive and trust and love just might. So, I truly hope I won’t hear from him again, although one day, I’m sure I will. It is the commitmentphobes and narcissists MO.
She can seem so happy, but you know first hand that it’s just an act. You know how she is backstage, even when you see her on stage. Just remember that. She is deeply troubled, and she will NEVER be happy until she can deal with those fucking scary core issues, until she can deal with the rape, the PTSD, and admit/accept/apologize for all the pain she’s caused you and undoubtedly others.
She. Will. Never. Be. Happy.
She’s hiding behind false intimacy and fleeting ecstasy. Both of those things look really pretty on the surface, like her radio persona, but they are empty beneath, just like it sounds she is. She’s getting high on the oxytocin of New Relationship Energy, again and again. She’s an addict.
Of course you are a shell of who you were. So am I. So is anyone who has been treated this way by a commitmentphobe and/or narcissist and/or sociopath. It’s devastating beyond description, and no one can believe it until it happens to them.
My advice to you, and this is so hard–I struggled against this for months, is to be celibate for awhile. Just 6 months to start, a year if you can, and go into therapy for PTSD. You have been traumatized. YOU HAVE BEEN TRAUMATIZED. If you don’t, if you choose to cover up this pain with another round of oxytocin, you will just be compounding your trauma time and time again. Because you will most likely, subconsciously, choose another woman just like her. This time, it will take the new one longer to convince you, but she will, because something in your brain feels the need to work out this, the right way this time, but it will end the same.
Take care of yourself. Learn to protect yourself, recognize the red flags and signs, and LISTEN to them! Meaning, walk the fuck away as soon as you see one.
That’s my advice to you.
May you find peace. xo
I just wish i didnt walk away before we cou talk in person she denied saying horrible things to me so i just gave up the book is dead on with the breakup and the mixed messages i wish she missed me i miss her not the toxic part but the part that was our friendship all she did was care about her and she put me down for being her friend dont understand it but before we were intimate we were friends wish she didnt hate me i dont hate her but i should
It’s better that you did. There would’ve only been more lies and confusion. More vacillation and cruelty.
You did well to walk away.
Yes. The book is right on. It’s what saved my sanity those first 6 weeks.
Staying away is so painful, I really know first hand, but you loved her mask. The fantasy she wove. The Dr. Jekyll high on NRE, love bombing.
Who is beneath is quite empty and ugly, indeed. Although I’m sure you love that part too, as a genuine person would.
No matter how much it hurts, it’s like a withdrawal. Only cold turkey and no contact will help, and it is an agonizing as any physical dependency withdrawal. Moreso, in fact, because it is intangible.
I don’t envy you, my dear, at the beginning of this. But 4 months out, you’re seeing the abuse now. And more might become clear.
For me, I didn’t recognize it as rape for 5 months. I couldn’t understand why I was so upset, so devastated. I knew I had been violated, as I felt violated, so I knew it was some kind of borderline assault, plus the domestic violence of emotional abuse led me to call a survivor hotline. They first confirmed it was indeed sexual assault, and the PTSD specialist I saw out of desperation convicted me it was rape. That’s when the healing truly began, but not before stuffing secondary trauma from my (now former) communities for not believing me, then being stalked by my ex and threatened with a lawsuit.
Still, the support of rape counselors, sexual assault lawyers & professionals, and PTSD specialists saw me through. It’s still a struggle, some days more than others, but I’m so much better. The pain is all but gone, and so is he.
You will find peace, but to do so you must stay away from her. She is toxic. Poison.
Peace.
[...] This blog was viewed 110,000 times in 2012, with 183 new posts. My busiest day was December 9th with 1008 views. Most popular post that day, and a very important one at that: People Who Hide Behind Poly. Overall, my most popular post is PTSD from Emotional Abuse, followed closely by Pathology of the Commitmentphobe. [...]
Will she do this again to the next guy? Just hurts feeling another man wins her heart guess i knew why she wouldnt trust me she just was so evil telling me she doesnt trusr her ability to pixk a guy thanks for your help
She likely will do this to the next guy and every guy after that, if it becomes too “real” for her. She can likely have very superficial and shallow relationships, but they are in satisfying for her. She craves the depth, the intimacy, and that’s why she’s in hell. As soon as she gets it, she runs.
She’ll never be happy. It will all be a facade.
Get into therapy for PTSD. Take care of yourself this new year, and see through these shallow, cowardly women earlier next time, before your heart and soul are committed.
It has been my pleasure. Anytime, my dear.
Last question is that why she kept coming back because it was too real for het so she kept running? Thank you i am going to talk to someone
She kept coming back because she knows it’s what she wants and needs, but she can’t have it because of her utter terror. She knows she’s the one who is empty. She’s feeding off your energy & emotions.
A friend once compared it to a starving person in front of a succulent feast that he is unable to touch.
It must be truly a horrible existence.
But she can stop it if she admits it, takes responsibility for her actions and the trauma/pain she’s caused, and gets help.
She likely won’t do one of those things, let alone all.
I’m so sorry for your pain, sweetie.
Kaiser could be wtiting about me sounds like your friwnd and i dated same woman im having a hard time with this my question is do they ever miss us or were we truly used as a toy my ex was so erratic but it was extreme loving me one day and then upset next almost bipolar i have to admit i still care for her and want to understand…what is a trigger and how did i hit it i miss her and just cant believe this is real how do you just kill a friendship and not care
This was really hard for me to accept, too, so my apologies for having to say this.
You were a placeholder.
You meant nothing to her.
No one does.
She is empty. Incapable of feeling anything but fear. She doesn’t experience love like we do. She doesn’t experience any emotion like we do. She enters into relationship after relationship to cover the fear. It doesn’t matter who.
You will never understand because you can’t. To understand you would have to be a void and terrified as she. You would have to be incapable of empathy. You would have to care for no one but yourself.
Truly, until you’re over the pain, think of her as a different species, inhuman disguised as human to better feed off you. She’s a predator, a vampire.
Seriously.
Read the book again. I marked several sections and read them over and over.
The bipolar you mention isn’t bipolar, it’s the Jekyll/Hyde bullshit, characteristic of the Commitmentphobe.
Read my posts on emotional predators, narcissists, & psycho/sociopaths. Read and read and read…until you don’t have to anymore. Reading & searching helped quell my need to understand, as it helped me do just that, to an extent.
I’m do sorry you’re in such pain. I know what it is like, so much so.
Look into EMDR and other treatments for PTSD.
Turn into the grief. You won’t find it bottomless. When the next wave comes, do it again.
what is wrong with me?
my ex slapped me, threatened me with cops, is on depression medication, puts down everyone she knows, kept leaving me and coming back, telling me the sex was amazing but said I thought it was average, telling me all her negative issues in life ie bankruptcy failed out of college, foreclosure, teenage rape, ect, pushed pulled, was disrespectful, ran off with a guy when we were doing good, came back and told me I can have her body but not her heart, and I finally put my foot down and tell her I cant take her abuse and now she disappeared. I miss the woman who was my friend and in the first month of dating(total seven months) I am so afraid of people now that I have a wall up. I have trust issues, and I dont want to turn into one of these monsters. I cant beleive she moved on after all this destruction without caring. Is this committment phobe behavior, or a personality disorder, or was it me? Sorry for ranting but I am so hurt to know she is moving on like it was nothing when there was so much said in the beginning and then the venom just started. I cant beleive she hates me or that I mean nothing. Its so sad because i have to admit it-I met my perfect girl and she just did everything she could to hurt me, and then pull me back with kind words. When will the heartache end. How do you find a way not to miss the person presented and start thinking about the vicious animal they became. My biggest problem is that I feel like she wont do this again to the next guy so question my ability as a man to make a woman feel safe, secure and most importantly loved. I thought I met my best friend. thanks for letting me vent
You are suffering from PTSD. What you’ve described is a highly abusive relationship. Cut off all contact with this woman & get into therapy for PTSD. You still love her and miss her, although you clearly recognize the abuse. That’s called the betrayal bond.
I’ve written about both PTSD and the trauma/betrayal bond on the pages of this blog.
She’s not okay, likely suffering from PTSD herself from the rape if nothing else. Her depression is likely a symptom of the PTSD.
She will do this to the next guy & the next after that, again and again until she gets the help she so desperately needs.
It’s not that you weren’t enough, it’s that she’s severely broken. This is not your fault. You couldn’t have done anything differently.
Get He’s Scared, She’s Scared, linked from this post, and you’ll understand more. Read up on gaslighting & abusive cycles.
I wish you peace.
Do you think she is really messed up based on what I wrote? My problem is she moved on like it was nothing and seems so happy runing around on facebook. Yet in person she is so mean sweet then mean again and puts everyone down. I dont know if she acts like this with me or everyone she gets close to. She actually asked me if I wanted to fix her. I told her I didnt have the ability but I could be suoportive and she should talk to somebody I just miss the woman I met
Yes. Very messed up.
Read that book. I’m serious. You’ll find so much comfort in it. It will feel as if the authors observed your relationship then wrote that book.
What you describe is TEXTBOOK Commitmentphobe.
Block her in FB. Right now. You’re just torturing yourself. Read that book. Turn into yourself & care for you.
She is toxic for you. She’s toxic for the new guy too. He’ll find out soon enough.
Peace.
I read the book here is my question the reason she is acting hot and cold is because she wants a relationshop but pushed me away because we got too close? She told me she has deep issues and I trigger them. What did I do to trigger it? At the end of the day I guess I dont understand why she wanted me then turn vicious. I know she has problems but I miss my friend. I dont understand why she chose to hate me instead of wanting to be my friend do these people really get this mean? Like our friendship means nothing? Thanks:)
Yes. They really do.
You didn’t trigger anything, and even if you did, you’re not at fault. Anything can trigger PTSD, like for me, the word Austin or auction or even sex.
She’s using that to put the blame on you. Because certainly as can’t be at fault!!!
She wanted you the. Turned vicious because that’s her pattern. She’s deeply damaged. Yes. They really do get that mean. My ex, when he turned vicious, raped me, humiliated me, then discarded me, but not after raping me a second time.
They destroy things utterly because they can’t deal with the emotions, and that is not to excuse their behavior. They are severely dangerous.
I know you miss your friend, and this is was was so hard for me to deal with…took me nearly a year of very hard work: your friend wasn’t real. It was an act. Not genuine. The person you loved doesn’t exist. It’s just a fantasy creation, a very convincing hologram.
I’m so sorry.
I never had anyone go from saying I the perfect guy talk about how our kids would sould with our personalities and then just pick me apart and put down everything good I did for her I wish I understood why she would give me her body but not her heart she just crushed me breaking up and came back apologizing saying she cares and knows she is a mess. I didnt break up because I wanted to end I did it to protect myself but she never called after I told her I wouldnt take her abuse. I thought she would realize her behavior was bad and acknowledge it instead she left not even a goodbye or hope we can be friends I wish I knew for sure she would do this again but I feel like she did this because she is afraid of our closeness and not because she used me
The end result is the same. She shattered you. She’s done it before, and now she’s doing it with a new guy.
It’s what she does.
This is so sad…so disgusting and sad. I put these commitmentphobes/narcissists on a par with serial killers. As you can probably guess, I am the latest victim on your blog. My story is no different – he ripped my heart out and stomped on it. It’s been 8 months since the breakup (we were together for a year)…and yes, our breakup was sudden….out of the blue….but the writing was on the wall….I just ignored it. My relationship was fraught with mixed messages too. It was a nighmare.
I think you are absolutely right when you compare the emotional pain to PTSD. My concern is that I willl never be able to love or trust another man again.
I read the two books you recommended right after the breakup….but it helped very little. I refused to believe that he was a commitmentphobe. Afterall, he was SO wonderful to me….he said he loved me SO MANY times. He was so tender…so kind. Needless to say, I was in denial BIG TIME.
I’m a lot wiser now…..you know the saying, “fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me.”
What’s sad for me right now is that whenever I look at any man, I feel deep contempt. I can’t help but think they’re all like that….they’re all a bunch of cons. This is the damage these creeps can cause….I wish there was a law against it!!! Ha! That will be the day!
I think you are very gracious to give these no good creeps a pass – saying that they are sick. So is a sociopath who commits murders.
I have never been so hurt or humiliated like this by anyone before.
I’m so sorry he did this to you.
They are sick, but that’s not an excuse. They have a choice. And they might very well be a sociopath and/or narcissist as well.
No one wants to believe they’ve been lied to for months or years. I know what it was like for me after 3 months, I can’t imagine a year.
The books certainly don’t cure anything, but for me they showed me I wasn’t crazy, it wasn’t anything I did or didn’t do, and that I wasn’t alone.
This post was written about 6 weeks after my split. If you read further along in my blog under the Relationships category, you’ll read so much more as the veil was lifted.
I’m much less forgiving as my own betrayal bond was loosened and eventually broken.
I look at men the same way. I’m terrified or everyone. I trust no one. I’m disgusted by sex.
But then, my “Commitmentphobe” raped me. He turned out to be very likely a sociopath. Very few sociopaths are serial killers. I’m starting to think thee ones that are at least release their victims by taking their life. The ones like this just kill one’s soul. One’s will. One’s entire sense of self, sexuality, ability to function and trust.
It’s like like PTSD, this fallout, it is PTSD.
I’m right here if you need some support. Get into counseling, someone who is familiar with PTSD, psychopathy/sociopathy, and narcissism.
I’m so sorry this happened to you.
You are not alone. This post is my most read post, consistently. These bastards do a lot of damage to a lot of women. The PTSD is another.
Keep reading through last spring and summer/fall, up until now. You’ll see how my perception changed as the veil lifted. It might help facilitate the change for you.
If nothing else, get into PTSD recovery & heal. Don’t date for a long while. Now after the damage causes by this bastard, you are more susceptible to be victimized again. These horrible men can smell prey, and you already know how convincing they are.
Read the books again, I would read sections over and over just to quiet my mind and derail flashbacks. For a good nine months, I couldn’t do anything but survive, quite literally. Writing these posts helped because of the self-expression, because of the solidarity.
Peace to you.
Remember, I’m here.
Research sociopaths and psychopaths. I’ve written extensively on them on this blog through my research. Read through the Romance & Relationships category, linked on the right sidebar.
I am SO very sorry for what you’ve been through….it was clearly by far worse than my experience….to be raped. I was raped by my ex-fiancee (when I was in my early 20′s….I was a virgin! Imagine having your virginity taken away from you by a rapist!). Needless to say, I didn’t marry him!
I am so grateful for you support as well. I will be sure to read all your posts on the subject.
I have no desire to date anyone…like I said….I can’t trust anyone right now. What’s worse is that I continue to love him….he still has my heart. For the most part, he was good to me…though he was relentless with his mixed messages….and alll of a sudden, heyanked the rug out from under me. We were talking about getting married….buying a house…etc…..then all of a sudden…presto….changeo…..it was over.
I found out through the grapevine that I am NOT the first person he has done this to. It’s his pattern. I wish I could warn every woman out there….but I can’t…..impossible. I want to talk to him though….let him know just how badly he can hurt somone….and that he should get help before he devastates another woman. But he is SO egotistical…..he never could take criticism, no matter how delicately I put it…..he would get defensive and fire back in passive-aggresive ways.
I will also re-read the two books. I think now that some time has passed, I will have better perspective.
Thank you so much for your blog, and for making yourself vulnerable so that others could share their stories. My prayer for you is that you are completely healed and that you’ll be able to have a loving relationship with a great guy
)
M
I’m married to a wonderful man. The man who raped me was a secondary relationship, as my husband and I are polyamorous.
No more. Although our orientation remains, I don’t trust other “poly” people to be truly poly. They’re sex addicts and children and cowards and liars and narcissists. Predators. No thanks. Not for me.
I don’t think that what happened to me was worse. Certainly the rapes were awful, and I didn’t even recognize them as such for five months and extensive therapy in PTSD. The worst of the trauma came from the rape of my soul, not my body. Same as what you’re experiencing. Just to be discarded so unceremoniously, to suddenly mean so little. To be reeling, wondering what happened. That was the bulk of the trauma for me. Understanding the assaults just reinforced who the man really is. Too, suffering secondary trauma from my community and “friends” who called me a liar, etc. That was hard to take. The PTSD and fear of seeing him, etc. etc. etc.
I’m so sorry you were raped by someone you trusted, too. Horrible. You are suffering from PTSD from this abuse as well as from the rape years ago (and probably more abuse in between), and it’s fucks with our boundaries, enabling other narcissists and sociopaths to find us and prey on us. Somewhere we equate abuse with love because of what’s been done to us. This is where therapy is essential.
There is no doubt in my mind that you weren’t the first and you won’t be the last. It is a pattern. My ex, The Rapist, has been with 80+ women in 15 years. No kidding. He also has herpes and just doesn’t tell anyone about that because he has decided the fear is much worse than the actual risk. He’s god, you see, so he can make these decisions for everyone.
I am utterly disgusted by him.
You will feel this way about your ex, too. He is pathetic and cruel. Not worthy of your love, that’s for sure. But I do understand how he still has your heart. That’s the betrayal bond. Learn a lot about the Betrayal Bond. In fact, get the book. Read that, too.
You’ll see in my posts and in my poetry how long I loved The Rapist. You’ll see how I struggled with cognitive dissonance, another phrase you should become familiar with, as you’re suffering from it right now. You’ll see how long it took for me to believe he was as despicable a human being he is. And he is. Utterly disgusted now.
It’s been almost a year since the assaults and the split. I finally see him for the monstrous, cruel human being he is. I no longer have to demonize him into a monster, because he’s far worse than a monster. A monster can’t help but be a monster. No. He had a choice, and he chose to rape, betray, devalue, and discard. Just as he’s done so many times before, just as he’ll do in the future.
One day soon, you’ll feel lucky to have gotten away when you did and you’ll pity the next girl.
There will always be a next girl.
Thank you for your bravery, for speaking out on this blog. For connecting with me. You are not alone.
May you find peace.
Thank you so much for your post/blogs. I am 7 weeks (almost 8) out of a 2.5 year commitment phobic relationship. Mine was interesting. In the beginning, I was the pursuer, which is why I don’t understand it. I pursued and he was non-committal. We ended up dating and together. We were both recently divorced, so we never even discussed marriage until over a year in, but the cycle started less than a year into our relationship. He broke up with me 9 months into the relationship, and then as soon as he got home, said he was sorry and we made up. We were really happy. We “clicked”. We had so much fun together. It was very blissful. I had the time of my life.
Then a year and a half into it, I started talking about marriage/family/kids. He broke up with me again, saying he needed “space and time to himself to discover what he needed/wanted out of life, worries about his freedom…” He came back a week later, stating his was sorry and he loved me so much, promises, promises, etc. etc. I took him back, thinking that oh, now is when he will propose. I was such a fool. I believed he’d changed, because he said that things would be different. Things were great again and fast forward 6 months.
I moved to the same city as him and let him know that I wanted to move in together and think about weddings. I wanted our relationship to progress. That was the beginning of the end. We broke up again and then the next 4 months were the make up/break up cycle. He would come back, make promises about the future, then break up a week later, stating he needed his freedom, time to sort things out, etc. etc. It was awful. He actually had a full blown anxiety attack at my house one day. He would be really romantic one evening, then distance himself that night.
We finally broke up for good right after my birthday. He was particularly mean to me and we ended it. The final texts and our last conversations were about him taking the time to figure himself out, having his space, freedom, etc. We read all the commitment phobia books by Steve Carter. He admitted he had commitment phobia. We went to counseling one time. Then he stopped. So, it ended Dec. 9, 2012. 3 weeks later, he is in another relationship. So much for space and figuring yourself out. He actually texted me 3 weeks after that to let me know that he is seeing someone else. The worst part of this all, is that we work together. That is how we met. And he is dating someone else from work. And now, he is flaunting it in my face. I called him and screamed at him and he said that he had to follow his heart. He said our dynamic wasn’t good in our relationship and that is why we kept breaking up. He broke every promise he made to me. We both agreed to not date anyone else as work. It’s been horrible. I felt like I was slapped in the face. I am doing my best to avoid them now, but it’s incredibly hard. And so very hurtful.
You have been slapped in the face. I’m so sorry this has happened to you.
He’s a fucking spoiled child.
This is obviously his pattern. He’s not interested in working on himself or finding himself or having the space he needs. He’s interested in what he wants when he wants how he wants. Like a petulant child. He’s interested in sex without strings. He’s interested in “freedom,” and he’s too blind to see he’s imprisoned by his own cowardice.
Seriously.
You deserve so much better than this. I feel sorry for the new girl, because she will be where you are before too long, and she’ll be kicking herself for falling for his bullshit. The man obviously has no integrity, or at the very least he wouldn’t be dating someone from work after promising not to.
A promise, after all, is a commitment.
I know this doesn’t help right now, but you are so much better off without him. The best you can do right now is to stay as far away from him as possible. Rage, and you have every justifiable reason to do so, and heal. Find Heal My Broken Heart workshop and others. Grieve, and you will be grieving for some time.
Every time you think you want him back, you remember how kind he *could* be, you remember how blissful it all was, remind yourself that he discarded you after toying with you for years. Remind yourself that he’s fucking someone else right in front of you and rubbing your face in it.
Next time he texts you tell him curtly: Don’t ever contact me again. Period.
Then ignore any other text that comes through. Block him, if you can. Block him from social networks. Avoid him at work if at all possible.
HE IS TOXIC POISON, and for you to heal, you have to purge the poison.
No contact. The man is an abuser, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s a narcissist. Very dangerous. They do a lot of damage.
You got away. You will one day be thankful for that. Until then, let the waves of grief come over you, don’t push them away or hold onto them either, and start to get angry. Really fucking angry that this douchebag narcissist fuck wasted so much of your time. Lied to you. Deceived you. Abused you.
You deserve so much better.
I wish you peace.
This is a great post!
I am probably ordering the books you refer to: I have read a lot about psychology and self-help: I used to be a very negative person and always going after the wrong things in life (looks, prestige, career). I reached a dead end and realized that I wanted to change, and have ever since, and gave up a lot of things to do that.
I still attract negative people though, and, since our fears and wants coincide a lot, I am too attracted to them. There is this girl I like, she is very cute, we live in the same small town in Greece, she has never lived anywhere else, she rarely goes out, she takes walks alone, refuses invitations, etc. We met at work, but not working in the same space any more.
For almost two years now, we have had periods where we were getting very close: she gives me looks, or tells me “I want a serious relationship”, then we go out once, touch for a while, then we start texting, then one day she never texts first anymore, and when I do, her responses get smaller and colder. I call her and tell her “I went there and did this” and she tells me “why didn’t you call me to come with you” so on the next occasion I call her, she says she can’t make it, again and again.. She refuses every invitation. Sometimes she tells me, “we will go out, you will meet my friends” but she never does anything she says. When we meet occasionally in the street (it is a small town) she gets “warm” and friendly, but no steps ahead. This is the particular phase we are in right now.
The first time we got very close, a year ago, we were still working in the same space and started to leave work together, walked around for a while. Then I had to move to another place of the same company, so we didn’t see each other. But then, when I tried to get through to her, nothing. She backed off, no reason; always rejecting invitations, not returning calls. A month later we finally met, because two colleagues of ours were getting married and we were both invited, she was friendly, but nothing more. I came on to her, made a fool out of my self, and decided to give up. And there I was sure there was nothing beween us but, two months later, when I visited that place where we initially both worked, and obviously a girlfriend of hers called her to tell her I was there, she showed up being all in sweetheartness, telling me “lets go, lets leave” etc, in the same way she used to ask me to call it a day and leave work together, as if nothing bad had happened.. I just drove her home that day. Then in the next two months she even called me three times (!) to go out, once we did, the other times I was away. Before all of this, I begged her to go out and she got irritated, even ironic!
She fits the person you describe: you are nice to her, her eyes fill with tears, then she tells you she’s looking for a serious relationship, starts texting you “I kiss you goodnight”, then nothing. She feels bad, she expects understanding. If you feel bad, she treats you like an idiot and makes faces of disapproval at you. She fits the list in “Signs of a commitment phobe” link, particularly points 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, 9, 11, 16, 17, 19, 20, and many others…
Now it is happening again. She it taking steps back. Quited texting, does nothing to meet. What’s up with that? We met today by accident, she was smiling and expecting attention. I don’t get it. I don’t want this any more, I want someone who is willing to give, like I am. Is that wrong? I thought she was special, enjoying simple things, not wanting to show off, like I have become, but now I am not sure if she really feels this way about things or if she is just to shy to show off and to party etc. I don’t want to break her heart, she is such a fragile and sweet girl..
Thank you for your time to read this!
You don’t have to be cruel and break her heart, if she’s truly fragile, but it sounds like she’s been jerking you around for quite some time now.
You deserve better than that.
Set some clear boundaries with her and keep them no matter what. Like no sex, no romantic behavior, no even being alone together.
That’s a start. Ensure she’s initiating contact as much as you. If she’s not, stop contacting her.
If she continues the abusive behavior you describe above, which she probably will, then cut her off completely. I mean COMPLETELY. No text. No email. No looking at her Facebook page. Nothing at all for at least 3 months.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I wish you peace.
I am a recovering CP victim. I have read the books and must say that they really do help you in your darkest hours. I was in an 18 month passionate and lust-fuelled relationship that ended in August 2009. I still to this day think about him and I wish to god that I didn’t.
I am now almost a year into a happy, secure and loving relationship and although it took me another 2.5 years to let this man into my heart, it really has shown me how hard and damaging my previous ‘chapter’ was. Relationships should NOT be hard. You either want to be with someone or you don’t. The difference is that some people have the courage to leave in the right way.
My CP’s history…a married man. proposed to his wife after 3 months and who cheated on her for 10 years, even with her best friend. (Red flag!! Why did I think I could change him!)
My history….a 10 year long term relationship with my high school sweetheart. I had tried to get get out of the relationship for years, but due to having children, felt that I couldn’t. I also cheated as I was so unhappy.
My CP and I worked together and I had no initial interest in him….he chased and pursued me until I began an affair with him. It was unlike any kind of passion that I had ever imagined. Over the passing months we both left our existing partners and tore our worlds apart. Personally I believe that we both used the other as a reason to finally leave. I suppose almost as a saviour to get us out of our unhappy relationships, that’s how I felt at least.
I told him that I didn’t want a relationship with him and that I just wanted to be single for the first time in my life but I swept me off my feet with such ferocity that I melted in his arms at the idea of ‘US’
We planned our futures together, met each others families and created bonds with our children. I was the happiest I had ever been and pretty much as soon as I reciprocated any of the feelings and emotions he displayed to me, he changed his mind.
He became cold and distant at times. Spending less and less time with me.
Trust was always an issue between us and it grew increasingly apparent as one of our biggest problems. I noticed he would hide his phone and then on one of his teams works do’s, he went home with one of our female colleagues. I was destroyed inside and ended it. He denied that anything had happened and blamed his reasons for staying away from home on me by saying “sometimes I just don’t think you like to be told no when it comes to sex”. I stupidly took him back.
Our sex life was amazing, the best I have ever had. It felt as though our bodies were one and that I could never find this connection with another soul. I did always want sex with him, I fancied him like crazy and the more he became vacant, the more I panicked about the next time we would become intimate again.
That’s when he started withholding sexually towards me. He told me that he sometimes didn’t want sex and for a whole week I lay next to him crying myself to sleep thinking that he didn’t fancy me anymore.
He became more and more distant. Our relationship was extremely painful until he finally told me that he needed to speak to me. He told me that he believes that he has issues when it comes to commitment and that he misses me when he is not with me, but feels anxiety in his stomach when he is and immediately wants to leave. I was shocked and hurt. Straight after this he made love to me to the point where I cried, it was so emotional. The next night he didn’t touch me and was cold towards me again. I couldn’t take anymore of it and ended our relationship the next day.
He kept curtain calling for about 4 months after, telling me that he was going to get help. I even gave him a copy of the book. He told me that he would read it after I had a stupid moment of weakness and agreed to meet up with him. We ended up fooling around together and I ended up feeling used afterwards.
Needless to say he never read the book. After four months he started a relationship with another one of our colleagues (breaking my heart further). I moved to a different department so I wouldn’t have to see him and within a matter of months was to,d by friends that he was engaged.
I have many mutual friends on FB with them both and know that they have recently got married. I have seen the wedding pictures. I do not miss him or my relationship but can’t help but wonder ‘why her, what did I do wrong and why did you just give up on me when you told me I was your everything?
I never got closure from him, I never got my answers and I never will. I hope that he has changed and won’t treat this girl the same way that he treated me and his previous wife, but is that likely? He turned my life upside down. My high school sweetheart and I are still great friends and we have both moved on for the better.
What I really want to know is ‘do I ever cross his mind, Does he ever regret the way he treated me and ripped my life apart, do you think he felt the intensity of our connection the same way as I thought he did or was it all an act?’ I feel so mugged off even after all these years. I can’t escape him ever because of work and FB.
I’m sure you do cross his mind, but you either represent his failing, so he pushes you out, or he’s wondering if you’re still hooked.
He’ll do the same thing to the next woman. And the next one after that.
He already has a history of cheating. Serial cheaters don’t stop cheating without some serious introspection, self-awareness, and therapy.
I’m so sorry you have to work with him! What a nightmare!!!!!
PUSH-PULL
A long term relationship dynamic in which one member “pushes” the other away if intimacy becomes too great or the relationship threatens to become “too serious”, yet also “pulls” the pursuer back with signs of interest if the target begins to give up on pursuing the relationship. Typically this habit is the result of some one with a fear of commitment who craves the relationship yet is unwilling to give up the option of keeping all of their options open. Often a form of subtle indecisiveness, in this manner they can effectively stake a claim on the other member with their scent and keep them in relationship purgatory while still being able to jump on a better opportunity if one happens to come along.
Yep. Always keeping options open, thinking something better is right around the corner.
They usually have a history of short relationships and they may never have been married – there is often an excuse that they haven’t met the right woman, or they justify their history by saying they still have plenty of time to settle down as they can have children at any age. A favorite line is “someday”.
If they have been married it is likely to have been for a short time, or, if they have been in a long term relationship or marriage, they will usually have a history of infidelity.
They want a relationship but they also want freedom and space so they are often attracted to long distance relationships and busy independent women.
They are fast to move in on a woman they are attracted to, and they pursue ardently until they win the woman over.
They are very charming. They say and do all the right things and they can be very romantic. They are very good salesmen to get their own needs met, but in reality they have very little concern for the woman’s feelings, as they are always operating from hidden agendas.
These men are usually very affectionate and loving. This is because in their mind the relationship is not going to be long term, so they feel free to give affection and love, knowing it won’t be forever. It isn’t long though before they suddenly start rejecting the woman, by not ringing or not wanting to see her for days, or not including her in weekend arrangements etc. This is because they subtly want to give the woman the message that they don’t want a long term committed relationship.
Severe commitment phobics play the seduction/rejection game. They can’t make the decision to give totally to the relationship, but they can’t commit to walk away either. They feel trapped by both choices. They feel love for the woman when they don’t see her, but they want to run away when they become involved again.
Commitment phobics love the chase but they don’t want the kill. This may happen after 1 night, 1 week, 1 month, 3 months or 1 year. They may start sabotaging just as they are about to get married, or just before or after there’s a decision made to move in together.
They spin stories to justify their contradictory behaviour, and when the woman threatens to leave the relationship they may make promises to change, but they never do.
They tend to treat the woman like a mistress rather than a real girlfriend.
They tend to limit the amount of time they spend with the women and treat her as a low priority.
Commitment phobic men often will say they want a relationship, but they won’t say they want a “no strings attached” relationship.
Their behaviours announce subtly…“You will be special for a short time, but it won’t be forever”.
They often choose women who are not the type of partner they are looking for, for example they may be much older, much younger, married, or they may have different interests. They use these differences as excuses to end relationships.
They can have a history of frequent career change and often work in environments where they have a certain amount of space and freedom.
They treat requests for respect as demands and become, angry, obnoxious and rebellious.
Severe commitment phobics avoid events or outings that may include the woman’s family or friends.
They know an ongoing sexual relationship often leads to commitment so they choose to run when things start to head in that direction.
They like to feel in control and create time frames that suit them, often treating the woman like a puppet on a string.
They don’t like structure, particularly in their personal life.
They tend to compartmentalize their life and keep their work environment, friends or family off limits. They can create wonderful excuses why the woman shouldn’t meet these people.
They prefer not to include the woman in their weekend or holiday plans.
When they get the feeling they need to run, their words and actions are full of mixed messages. They play mind games.
Commitment phobics don’t allow the relationship to grow and they have no intentions of ever doing so.
They can be moody or aloof and blame the woman for why they are acting so bizarrely.
They may withdraw sexually and blame it on the woman for being demanding, or on work fatigue, or illness, or anything else that they can think of.
They can have a history of unavailability and inaccessibility .They can be hard to contact, and they are often unpredictable when it comes to returning phone calls. They can even avoid answering calls completely.
They lie, or they are evasive and secretive about where they are and what they are doing to create space.
Their living arrangements may be rather off-beat. They may have an apartment but they may rarely stay there, preferring to stay at friends places, with parents or ex-girlfriend’s.
They hate planning ahead because that means commitments.
Severe commitment phobics may have very little furniture, not own property or a car, as these represent commitment as well. To some buying a car can be as big a decision as deciding to get married – it can be all too much for them as they don’t want to feel stuck with anything.
They often don’t invite women to their home because of their peculiar living arrangements, but they have no desire to change their situation. Even if their home is comfortable it exudes the feeling that they want to be alone. It is not welcoming to the outside world.
They are often unreliable, late and sometimes they don’t turn up at all. They are like this with family and friends as well, although this is not the case in their working environment.
They tend to blame and find fault with the women they are with, and use this as an excuse to end good relationships.
They are often unfaithful in relationships.
They can be overly committed to their work or to their children to avoid spending a lot of time with a woman.
They may create distance by having affairs, mentioning another woman’s name etc.
Severe commitment phobics rarely lower their defences because they don’t want to get too close to a woman, or vice versa. If they do, they usually only give little pieces of their soul in well- planned instalments, except if they are having an affair. Affairs are perfect for commitment phobics as they feel completely safe to disclose and to chase, as commitment is not an option while they are in another relationship.
If a man has been married he may void putting his divorce papers through as he can use this as an excuse to keep a woman at bay. This helps him to feel safe from the possibility of ever getting married again.
Behavioural inconsistencies are very noticeable with these men when they find themselves getting too close. They become argumentive and abusive, or they create distance. A lot of uncaring sabotage behaviours surface eg. working long hours, taking on extra projects, creating space, not ringing, being late, finding fault with the woman etc
They often choose to travel a lot for work, to play a lot of sport, or be involved in many projects to create distance.
These men know on some level that they are deceptive and cruel to women.
The word “forever” terrifies these men. Love doesn’t scare them; rather it is what love represents to them that scares them. This is due to their negative damaged belief system about love and relationships.
They usually end up behaving worse and worse, and they sabotage more and more because they want the woman to end the relationship as they feel too anxious and guilty to do so.
Severe commitment phobics can also suffer from claustrophobia and/or a personality disorder.
You nailed it.
The personality disorder they most often have is narcissistic personality disorder.
Narcissists are highly dangerous.
Thank you for your wonderful blog!Thank you for opening our eyes!
and when i wouldnt answer his texts quick enough he’d ask why and made me feel guilt,at the same time it takes him hours and sometimes days to respond.I feel so taken advantage of.:(Yesterday he told me that he wants me to find a good guy in LA and that our relationship wont work cause of distance.Well he’s been saying this for a while now and I kept ignoring it.2 months ago he accidently told me that he has commitment issues cause he was cheated on in the past so he distances himself and he said that’s not good.He said he doesnt feel good enough.And I always felt the distance because whenever he’d be in town he would’t even wanna see me often.And he’d make excuses that he was tired.I know that he has feelings for me because he told me that he has them but he’s in denial and he locks up his emotions because hes afraid to get hurt.last month I came to visit him and stayed with him for a whole week 24/7.It was the first time we actually got close,I saw another side of him.I saw emotion.We had a wonderful time.but then things changed.He stopped initiating contact with me.I’d do all of the contacting and he’d just respond.And whenever i’d start to get emotional he’d change the subject and not want to talk about feelings.Now he’s become so cruel and cold.He talks to me as if i’m his worst enemy and I don’t get it.I’ve been the nicest most caring person to him,i’ve always met his needs and did everything for him and he never did anything for me.Never even spent a dime on me,I always paid.At times he’d also tell me to be mean to him for some reason,idk why 
I keep blaming myself,I think i did something wrong.I’m not good enough.I’m so heart broken.I cant eat,sleep,live a normal life.This whole experience was abuse,emotional abuse 
He did the dumping and It feels wrong cause he deserved the dumping for treating me like crap for 7 months.
My story is pretty complicated:( We’re both 23 years old,We’ve been long distance for 7 months now.Even though the distance is an issues I don’t think it’s the biggest issue.I live in LA he lives in NY,I visit him and i have the opportunity to visit him.He visits LA cause he has family here,but he has never visited just to see me.But he’d tell me that i’m the greatest woman he’s ever had.That i’m perfect and i;m too good to him and for him.But he would always contact me on his time and talk to me when he wanted to and answered questions he wanted to answer,i felt like i wasnt totally a part of his life,like he hid a part of himself from me
Yes he does deserve the pain. You don’t. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
One thing I’ve learned the very hard, heartbroken way is that when a man tells you he’s not good enough for him, BELIEVE HIM.
Part of the reason you are so very heartbroken now is because of the abuse. The vacillation between affection and cruelty created a deep and strong bond called the betrayal or trauma bond. This is so difficult to break.
No contact is a must. Cut him completely out of your life. No text. No FB. No peeking on his profiles. No nothing. He is dead to you.
There is no such thing as too much support at this time. Keep one or two friends close. Friends who will tell you what an abusive dickhead he is but won’t drown you in platitudes. Friends who will listen with compassion as you struggle through the cognitive dissonance.
You’re in detox now, as he was extremely toxic to you. It felt wonderful, like a drug, but it was really slowly poisoning you. Now it’s time to cleanse & heal.
Don’t date anyone new for at the very least 6 months, preferably a year. Anyone who you meet between now and then, if they are truly a good guy and not an exploitative asshole will understand and be there when you’re ready.
Read the books I recommend. They will help so much.
I wish you peace.
[...] maybe, in some circumstances, “He loved me AND he raped me.” Some people are just so damaged themselves, that they don’t know how to show love in another other way than through abuse. Others [...]
I’m not sure if describing this as a ‘mental illness’ is all that helpful. Isn’t it better to see it as a weakness in interpersonal relationships, perhaps combined with many of the underlying insecurities that are mentioned? Sometimes it does more harm than good to ‘pathologise’ behaviours and look for certain ‘types’ – there’s certainly a long and lively debate about this in the literature – but while it may sometimes be harder and less immediately cathartic for us, it seems more honest to admit that the situation is actually pretty complicated.
A small example of what could be a problem – one comment refers to ‘commitmentphobes’ as not ‘buying anything, renting furniture etc.’ This could be very much a socially determined understanding of the phenomena. In many countries, especially Europe (e.g. Germany), renting is a common practice, and the idea of ‘owning’ things is, while nice, not always as important as in the USA, where property rights etc. are an important social and economic consideration and matter of security.
There are all sorts of factors. While I’m not condoning lying to and using other people, which of course is wrong, I think sometimes we have to see the act of naming something and then basing our understanding around this as just one strategy among many…in a complicated world! E.g. while there is certainly some truth in likening inability to choose items on a menu with ‘commitment phobia’, it’s also the case that sometimes it is just damn difficult to decide! Perhaps it’s also a comment on our necessarily flexible and dynamic modern values – we simply don’t want nor should we just take the same thing all the time…It works for menus, but doesn’t always work out so well for relationships! Great discussion and blog though, because we can’t come to an understanding of our values and who we are these days without what John Stuart Mill calls ‘experiments in living’…
(I came across the blog researching ‘abandonment issues’, and ended up making a connection – seems like a good thing anyway
)!
Agreed. Behaviors and patterns are over-pathologized, something I discuss in another post.
As with every disorder or issue or behavioral pattern, there is a spectrum. Not being able to make choices on a menu or keeping from owning anything as part of a cultural norm aren’t enough to consider the behavior pathological.
I’m mainly talking about people who habitually, consciously, and methodically exploit, deceive, and destroy others in romantic relationships. This is an early post in a series written last year in the aftermath of a traumatic event and subsequent breakup. Through my research and desire for understanding, this idea of the commitmentphobe was relevant, and it open the door to discovering deeper issues, such as sociopathic narcissism and rape.
Agreed, writing it off as a mental illness suggests these jerks don’t have a choice. They most certainly do, and the choose to hurt again and again.